December 27, 2023

 SO it's been a few days since I last posted.  I didn't forget, I just wasn't interested in sitting at my computer...

Ive lost count of how any days off Facebook It's been but I still don't miss it and I'm kinda wondering if I'm even going to go back.  It just seems like a big bother.  I'm neither happier or sadder... I just am.

Now onto news.  

Christmas happened.  You know that song that goes Beas greens potatoes tomatoes etc?  Yeh, that was my house. we had:

• Baked Turkey
• Baked Chicken
• Grilled/baked ribs
• Ham
• Sweet potato pie
• apple pie
• Collard greens
• baked potatoes
• mashed potatoes
• caramel cakeYellow cake (mine)
• cornbread
• rolls

I honestly feel like I'm leaving something out but we had a lot... and very little left over.  You know how Jonny Depp keeps asking why the rums gone in POC?  That was me..... Why's the food gone?  But we had a lot of people over.  And three people got to go plates.  Auntie pat came.  It was a great night.  We had a lot of fun.  And the next day, the sky fell down.

No like.. literally.  We got over five inches of rain.  Belmont is STILL under a flood warning because their sewer system sucks.  Its been a whole day of not rain and the water in the river that separates Belmont from Charlotte that was dangerously low is touching the bottom of the damn bridge.  There's a dip in the road near Sam Wilson Road on Wilkinson and that shit was a lake.  Im not even kidding.  There's a whole ass pipe that supposed to drain all that water from this very recognized dip into like this valley but did it do its job?  Nope.  At some point it did because the road drained but I think that's because someone came and did it manually.

I feel sorry for the homeless because dude, every single place that the cops normally don't bother them was ad partially still is under water or so wet it's marshland.

I wish I was kidding.

Side note, I'm watching Frozen for like the nine hundredth time... Did no one notice that they just left Kristoff and Sven at the lake?  Like uhm... sirs... you bought a kid with you and said child was not with you when you got home.... maybe start a search...?

Anyway.  In other news, my mother was right again.  And I hate it.

So the heat has been slowly diminishing in my car for like three months.  Maybe more. At first it wasn't a big deal because I live in North Carolina.  It's like perpetually warm.  If you can get past the winter months first thing in the morning, it's pretty much hot by noon.  So yeah it was a concern but not a big one.  Then it was only hot when I was going 85 mph down the highway, and the these last two or three weeks, I have had nothing but cold air.  Not even warm enough to do Lyft, so I've been doing door dash.  At least the only person catching pneumonia in my car is me.

We're up here googling like we know what the fuck we're looking at and come up with like four things it could be.  And we figured it was the midrange price wise thing and we were prepared to get car shield and all that and put my car in for servicing.  I got hoodies and padded leggings for Christmas so that I could keep working and not catch my death of cold.  Then out of nowhere, not only do I not have heat, this fucker wants to randomly start overheating.  Not all the time and really for like two minutes every four days.  And Mommy, again OUT OF NOWHERE says, go get a ting of coolant and put in your car.  The first day, I ignored her, the next day I fobbed her off, the third time she mentioned it, I flat out lied that I went and got it and put it in.  Tonight, this damn hunk of wheels and bolts does the bing bing bing overheating song and I'm like, I'm right here at Walmart, let me get this damn coolant.

Y'all, my coolant reservoir was so damn dry that shit had COBWEBS.  I quite literally heard my car go AHHHHH when I filled the reservoir.

And then I turned the car on and do you know that raggedy piece of wheels nuts and bolts had fucking heat???  Like, I'm sitting here in padded leggings, a long sleeve shirt and an extra plush hoodie burning the fuck up because now my car wants to work like a functioning car and I'm like oh no you didn't.

SO then I had to fess up to my mom.  She's like I'm gonna beat you.

Fun fact. I don't have to outrun my mom anymore... I just have to go two feet farther than her oxygen hose and she just put the short one back on because the long one was getting tangled.  So I basically just have to get past the living room and Im home free unless she chucks that one, gets to the laundry room, and puts THAT oxygen on.  If she can do that, I'm screwed unless I can get around her and get back to the other side of the house.  I figure it, I can do that, after getting down to my end of the house and getting back to her end, she'll give up.

I'm evil.

Oh!  I almost forgot the most important part. WE GOT A PUPPY!!!!!

I was doing door dash and I got an order for the PetsMart right down from the house and I was like I really don't wanna do a dash in gastonia but it was nine bucks so I took it.  I get there and the worker lady is outside holding this whining ball of black fur with the most adorable eyes you've ever seen and I'm like can I just hold him.  She says yes but before she can actually hand him over, little man jumps out of her arms and into mine like Pikachu, I choose you! Licks ensued.  

His name is Vishous Rhage But we call him Rhage.  He's named after my two favorite Brothers from the Black Dagger Brotherhood.  Petsmart says he's a pitta lab mix but the way he howls id say he has some husky in him.  But get this.  Someone dumped him in the bushes.  That's how he came to be at petsmart. I hope they burn in hell.  This little guy is on'y about 5-6 weeks and he's as big now as Luna was when she was six months old.  He's gonna be a big dog.

HE's not even my dog.  I wanted him to be my dog but he's Livy's dog.  All the animals in the world belong to Livy.  It's fine.  It's totally fine.

Okay well, that's all my news.  And I'm tired so I'm gonna call it a night.

Night loves!!

December 17, 2023

 I didn't do jack shit today.

I mean, I did my nails and watched Wonder Woman.  Did a load of laundry then made pancakes and bacon for dinner.

Took a shit.

That literally sums up my day.

Oh! I watched the first season of the First Wives Club on Netflix.  Love me some Jill Scott.  Have since she whacked that uppity shit in the back of the head with the bottle in Why did I get married. Michelle Banteau is kinda funny too. She hosts the Circle on Netflix and she was the MC in that survival of the thickest I watched last ... well I was gonna say last week but that was like four days ago.

Shit.

The baby turns 22 in a day. 

Yes.  Yes 22 is still playing relentlessly in my head.

The middle minion is on the train. At this precise moment, she's in Greensboro NC.  112 miles away.  I briefly toyed with staying up to go get her from the train station but that'll be at three am. I love my child but I need Amtrak to do better. I took that very same train down to Charlotte from NJ 26... oh god old moment... years ago and I remember damn well that that train got in at a reasonable hour but now 26...oh god damn I feel old... years later that bitch wanna roll in like a WYD booty call at three am... DO  BETTER. AMTRAK!

I'm doing pretty good at remembering to do this every night.  

Why does Netflix pretend like that twatwaffle Meghan Markle is the reason Suits was popular??  Ugh... I can't stand her and Cuntmilla. Now watch me finally be able to move to England and be one of her loyal subjects. Snort.

My head hurts.  I'm about to fall in to bed and give my pillow some head.

Snort... like I remember how to give head.  It's been way too long.

I think I need therapy y'all.  I'm cracking up. Well not that's not true I was cracked years ago. Now I'm broken and laughing at my own bad jokes.

Snort!

Groan.  Help me

Also I think my keyboard is dying. Poop.

Okay, I'm really signing off now.  Night!

December 16, 2023

 Is this Day three of Facecrack?  I've kinda lost count.  I don't wake up and it's the first thing I check.  One person outside from the six I've told has noticed.  They texted me and asked if I'd blocked them.  I don't block anyone.  Well, that's not entirely true but you have to do a lot for me to click that button.

Had a very interesting Lyft night.

Also had my first contract violation with them but it was taken off pretty quickly.  I went to go pick up a Lyft ride in Gastonia and the older lady, her son, Daughter, and grandson get in the car.  Now, my screen says I'm picking them up taking them just outside of McAdenville and taking them home.  Before I can even question how asinine that sounds to me, the older woman says to one of the younger adults that they're going to have to wake up the grandson because he's going to miss the lights.  Big honking screeching sound in my heads.  Wait a minute.... Your stop is the McAdenville lights???  And she says yes.  With a dead ass straight face this ditzy ass white woman looks me in the eye and tells me that they've books a Lyft to go through McAdenville to see the lights.  I told her no and that I was cancelling the ride.  Now the young man, (I'm assuming was her son in law because the girl looked a bit ike her and had the same clueless why is this lady mad face as her mother.) looks like he wants to say "see, I told you this was a shitty idea."  and he starts to get back out holding the still thankfully sleeping little boy.  Mom is angry.  Why won't I take them to see the lights?

Now if it had been a Monday thru Thursday I would probably have not had as big a deal with this run but Saturday night at 7 pm, the line just to get into McAdenville is about a one to two hour wait.  Then you can't really get through it speedily because the normal 25 mph speed limit is kinda reduced to like 2 because people want to see everything.  So picking them up at 7, we might have gotten into the lights around 8 maybe 8:30 gotten through them by 8:45-9:15 and then back to the house.  So looking at a minimum of about two hours with this family in my car.

For $13.09.  Oh no, you don't need to go back and read that again.  The whole trip would have paid me $13.09.  See when you add a stop to a Lyft, I'm supposed to get there, wait up to 5 minutes and then continue on.  If this had been a normal Lyft that whole trip might have taken 20 minutes but nooooooo they want to catch a Lyft to see the lights.  Not a Lyft to get out and walk the lights and call a Lyft on the other side, not they wanted me to take them through the lights.  No. No.  Nah.  Hell no.

She called Lyft and complained.  But I beat her to the punch because the moment I drove off I was on the phone with customer service and they guy was like why did you cancel the stop was approximately five or somewhat miles from the start and destination.  While he's talking to me, her complaint comes through.  She emailed it in.  She told them I flat out refused to take them anywhere.  I don't think she gave a reason just that I refused.  So now, I'm explaining to the operator and the very best thing I can tell him is of he had google he'd understand.  But I did tell him that they didn't want an actual stop stop, she wanted her "stop" to be going through this three miles town at two freaking miles per hour.  Now I don't know if he googled it or what but he put me on hold and came back less than two minutes later and said not to worry about it, they were going to handle this and it wouldn't affect me.

Also, not sure if I mentioned it last night, but my heat is busted in my car so Mommy bought me a little dashboard heater.  It was working really well, and then it wasn't.  I thought I blew a fuse because the whole cigarette outlet is toast now.  I stopped by Auto Zone today and pulled the "Im a woman and only know that car go zoom" face and he went in and got the fuse only to show me that it wasn't blown.  So now I have a way bigger problem.  Yay.

I really need my night meds to kick in.  Toodles for the night, I'm going to lay down.

December 15, 2023

 Day 2 without Facebook.

You'd think since I preface every blog with my days off Facebook count that I care but I'm finding that I don't really care for the book of Faces.  And with that comes this odd calm of not seeing people deliriously happy and at the Christmas parties no one ever invites me to.

Sometimes I wonder if I should have a Christmas party but then I don't think I should.  I go all Donna Reed when I'm in charge of entertaining.  It's pretty for you, but so not pretty for me.  For me, it involves a lot of very spastic movements.  Maybe a lot of yelling and a few tears... 

I went lifting today.  I like Lyfting way more than Dashing.  I don't have to do anything except drive.  True I get the odd stinky person but that's why they make glade air freshener oil.  I just have to remember that one pump will do it.  Two is pushing it and three I have to put down all the windows.  I will not be lifting at Christmas though.  Oh hell no.  I did that at Thanksgiving and oh my lord the airport was a nightmare straight out of M Night Shamalan. People were actually getting out of cabs and walking to the entrance.  If they'd have staying in the cabs a lot of traffic might have been managed but then Charlotte drivers don't know how to queue correctly.  They never have.  

I am going to DD around Christmas and probably Christmas Eve because they have been giving super huge tips and I just ordered my Catering bag so hopefully I'll get orders that make the bending and lifting and climbing of stairs worth it again.  I probably never should have ventured into Lyft.  I would never know how much more I like it.  But I guess that's life.  Always finding new ways to live it.

Had a ride all the way from Albermarle road up by Lawyers road all the way to Stanley today.  An hour and a half in the car with this guy that was a tire mechanic and smelled like it.  Not a bad smell, per se just not a smell I would volunteer to smell for that long.

I don't really have much to say tonight.  I'm actually rather tired.  Ive already turned on the heated blanket that keeps my bed nice and sweltering.   It should be toasty hot by now.

So goodnight.  Sleep tight!

Day 1 without Facebook.

 Well blogland, I deactivated my Facebook last night.

Admittedly I did it in the midst of the beginning of my seasonal breakdown and I was crying and as I always do, I just wanted to run away.  I think deactivating Facebook is the adult version of running away.

The problem is, Facebook or rather, Meta owns so damn much that it's next to impossible to log into stuff once you shut down your account.  Like every turn leads to reactivating the bitch so you can't really run away.

I get sucked into this black hole every yearend I'm never able to fully pull myself to the edge until after the Valentines Candy is sold out and all the lovely doves shit is over.

For the 16th yearn a row, when the clock strikes midnight into the new year I will be alone.  Nearly everyone I now will have someone to kiss and I will not.  For God knows how many years in a row, I will have no-one that thinks of me on Valentines day.  No one to send me a card or kiss my cheek and tell me they love me.  

Because no one loves me.

I have to sit here in my room every night and watch people meet that special someone, brag about how happy they are, post pictures of them together, get engaged and eventually married and they play all this out on  Facebook for everyone to see and then either don't get that some of their friends look at that stuff (because we can't avoid it) and want to go cop squat in traffic. It's not that I don't want them to be happy.  I really love that they're happy.  Just want to be that happy.  Just once in my life.  

I was married but I was never happy.  Randy didn't want to be married and he made me feel every bit of his anger at being married.  Every single day.  I was never happy in my marriage and neither was he.  Th difference is that he went out and he found Gabi and they are happy. He's finally happy and I'm still sitting here in the fall out shelter that's become my life.

Do you know that I haven't been invited to a holiday party in years.  Every year I see people post pictures of their parties and I might lie them or comment that it looks like they had fun and they inevitably come back and say "You should come next year!"  I would freaking love to come but I only find out you had a party the day after.   Stop telling me I should come next year if you never tell me when the fucking party is!  That just tells me that you don't want me there in the first fucking place.  I have never once been invited to a Halloween party, a Friendsgiving, or a Christmas party. Not even a New Years party.

I'm 44 years old and I have never once been see to a holiday party. Not even a 4th of July party.  I had a birthday party thrown for me once but it wasn't really a party for me.  I mean only two people talked to me the whole night.  At my party.  That felt great.

I finished Survival of the Thickest on Netflix yesterday.Good show but it made me realize that I'm simply not fat enough.  You can have love if you are a twig. And you can find love if you are big as a Macy's day parade float. But if you are only mildly big, you don't get love.  You get backaches and headaches and wanting to crawl into traffic on a major highway blindfolded.

And don't try to lose the weight  so you can be a skinny mini because being big and beautiful is so in right now.  It's hot.  For years we lived with the barbie thin models and now, the big girls are taking over. But not the little big girl, just the big big girls.  They're the only ones that are beautiful enough to be happy in their skin.

I swear if I were more religious, I would join a silent convent.  Never speak to anyone ever again.  Won't have to worry about parties.  Won't care about being left out.

What a crock.

Sixteen years I've been feeling like this.  My marriage sucked warm donkey balls in the desert sun but I would have rather been miserable WITH a husband than miserable knowing I failed at marriage.  Just like my parents.

I thin that's what it comes down to honestly.  All my life I've wanted to be someones loving wife.  I'm not lying when I tell you that I really had no other when I grow up goals besides being married and growing old with him.  No princess, not anything remotely feasible.  I only ever wanted to be the someone that he came home to night. I only really ever wanted to be the someone that kissed him as he left for work and kept the house.

Which is odd because I kinda suck at housekeeping.  Well not not really I don't, I just have no one that I will ever bring back to mine so why clean it up.

When I think of all the boys I had crushes on in my life I feel like I didn't even know who the girl that liked them was.  And some of those guys are just straight assholes.

Like Ben Brody. That little fuckface with the gimpy thumb.  I was in love with him his senior year and he ignored the ever loving fuck out of me.  I saw him after I was grown and married.  Randy and I were at Atlantic City and I introduced him and do you know that that that maggoty fat fuck had the nerve to look at Randy with pity like "Oh man you married her? I feel for you man."  I had a crush on Chuck Egan.  He like some skinny brunette.  BE he's still good peeps.  There was Jason Ambrose.  No idea where he is now.  Don't really care.  Jason Sadwidth.  I think that was his name.  I know it was Jason.  I really liked him but I was just the goofy friend to him.  The girl with the Swiss rolls that would always share.

Don't boys know that if a chubby black girl shares her Swiss rolls with you, that means she pretty much loves you? I mean come on, we don't come up off of chocolate for just anyone??  Liked a guy named Mered Parnes.  Also Santo Perrotto.  They can both rot in a hell of my choosing. Both of them.  Both of them took big strides to embarrass me to show me just how revolting I was to them.

And then there was the great Donald.  He knew I liked him.  HE even threw me a bone and we slept together but I had a mini mental breakdown because things in my life were going just a lot haywire and he dropped me so damn fast I got whiplash.  It's taken me years say outloud that I dislike him.  I haven't gotten past dislike. Im stuck there.  But I dislike Donald because he used me and let me hang there like stinking rag just waiting for him to have time for me again.

I need to go to bed.  It's a quarter after one... 

And I'm all alone and I need you now.

Sorry my subconscious would have sung that song all night in my dream if I hadn't finished it.

Blog you later.

So over living here...

 Well, 2023 is coming to a close.

Surprise surprise, life still sucks ass. No not ass.  Ass isn't the right word.  You know how when you are walking across the lawn in the rain and you step in a mud puddle and just as you are trying to get the mud off your shoe, you step into a dog shit pile and as you're rubbing that shit off your step into a manure pie because the lawn was just mulched.  Yeah, my life's like that smell.

Pizza Hut fired me exactly one week before my birthday. Do I feel bad?  No, not at all.  Honestly, I'm glad to be out.

Financially I'm struggling but I'll get there.  One day.

Keep in mind, that's the ONLY thing I'm hopeful about for 2024.

I sent yet another year with no man even so much as grazing any part of me hidden by clothes.  Y'all, not so much as a smile from one.  

I gave up soda to help watch my weight.  I gain ten pounds.  Or twenty, I'm not counting.

I stopped living my whole life online.  Not sure why I did that but I think it was because I was made aware that guys don't like women that are attached to their social media. Pretty sure that was bullshit.  It's whatever, I don't even know how to post deep in-depth shit online anymore.  

You know, I have changed who I am so many times, I don't even know who I am.

How sad I that?  I don't even know who the fuck I am.

I know I'm fat.  I think I'm black.  I mean currently my mom is slow cooking neck bones in the crockpot and it smells like boiled footballs so I know I'm not that black.  I'm like just a smidge past the Mason Dixon black but not slow cooked pork neck bones black. Cause ewww. I know I can be annoying.  I figured that out years ago.  I also know I'm batshit crazy.  I feel like that's part of my charm.  But as for the rest of me I don't know who that is.

Did you know that a lot of new shows on Netflix were about plus sized black women finding their groove this year? Do you know what that taught me?  That I'm not fat enough to find my groove.  The men seem to only want the really big girls.

Why can't they want the moderately big girls?  Or maybe they do and they just don't want me.

My last post was may 22, 2022.  I said I was pretty sure I'm never having sex again.  Called it.  

At this point, that's probably a good thing.  Im pretty sure if I were ever able to have an orgasm again, Id do some dumb shit and bark because I don't know how to react.  

Fuck the new year.

Happy 2024yall...

So tired...

 Wow... it's been almost a year since I used this blog.  One would think that Iforgot it was here, but I haven't.  Every now and then I pull it up and read back that was the mess that is/was my life.  It's not fun.  Its a special torture that I reserve for my really bad days.

Well, I'm back at slut hut.  I went back as a driver, but it took them approximately five months to lasso me back into a collared shirt.  Not even going to cover how that happened.  If you know you know.

On to the title.  So tired.

I am so tired of people telling me, "I can't hang out with you because you have kids."  Like, have you ever heard of a babysitter?  Ever?  They exist so that parents can go have a life.  Except for me apparently.  I don't need to hire babysitters, because 80% of the people in my life decided that they can't hang out with me because I have kids.  Why hire a babysitter when you have no life.

And my favorite are the men who LOOK ME IN THE EYE and tell me, "I can't date you because you have kids."  Like, when I was freshly single and had three not quite big enough to fully understand kids, I saw it, I accepted it without much of a fight.  When their father managed to not only have one relationship with another woman while he had them, and then proceeded to marry another woman while he had them, I thought, okay, they understand.  Now to find someone for me.

But no.  I am undateable because I have kids.  Period.  No argument.  

I've been told that THIS YEAR. 2022.  I have a 23, 22, and a 21 year old.  My 23 year old has a son of his own.  I am a mother fucking GRANDMOTHER, but nope, I can't get a date... because I have kids.

And yes, he was serious.

I'm the fuck friend.  But only occasionally.  Why?  Because I have kids.  Now I'm not even the fuck friend.  

Im honestly scared to even attempt to have sex again.  It's been so long, what if I fuck up and scream out that I love them and want to marry them?  What if I bark?  Oh God, what if I fart in the middle.  I'm 42 now and a grandmother, sometimes the gas has a mind of it's own. LOL, just kidding, but secretly... not really.

Not that it matters.  I will likely never have sex again.

Because I have kids.

They say life sucks and then you die.  Is that a promise because I think I've more than fulfilled my sucking quota.  I'd like to die now.

And be reborn as someone pretty with a flat stomach a nice ass and more than a handful of tits.  

Probably won't get sex then either...

groan...

What the fuck...

 ...did I do to deserve this Karmic revenge?  I feel like I did some serious shit to someone in a past life that THIS life is where the karma bus dropped me off and told me "good luck" and drove away.

So Mildred died Saturday.  It was not a surprise. It w as very expected.  We all knew it was coming Saturday was a great day.  One of the bests that I have had in a long while. But Sunday?  What the fuck and where the fuck did that come from.  Dell called me to tell me about her mother and I was quiet and went on.  I don't know if it didn't hit me then or what.  But I don't think that's what this past few days is about.  Sadly, I think it was the trigger.

Since Covid started, my mother has become this recluse that acts like I am her one and only lifeline to the outside world.  If I step away for even a second, she will drown.  Like literally drown.  If I work more than my normal in her eyes, she suddenly needs to call me EVERY DAY and sometimes during work.  But if I answer and tell her I'm at work, se's like "Oh! I'm sorry!  I forgot!" but then has to have a conversation regardless and if I insist that this can be done later, she gets all moody.  Even if I call her back when I'm not at work, moody.

I don't understand this at all.  Like AT ALL.  I was raised by a no nonsense, I-can-do-it-all-by-my-damn-self woman who raised me not to be needy.  As a result, needy people annoy the ever loving hell out of me.  I even raised my kids to be self sufficient so that they aren't needy.  Well two of my kids at least... well one... Fuck it, I don't know.  So my mom suddenly needing me every goddamn day is throwing me and when I try to distance myself just a little bit because I don't want to snap, she makes it seem like I'm leaving her on a island all by herself and sailing away for parts unknown.  Never to be seen again and this causes a panic attack. which makes her call and whine and need me.  I don't even know what happened Friday but not being able to catch her breath and me not responding in the manner she deemed appropriate for the situation caused a whole host of problems.  It went into t Saturday but when she checked the location on her phone to see that I had flitted all the way down to South Carolina we went back to me sailing away and leaving her on an island all alone and BOOM, instant full blown, I can't breath, I'm scared and you aren't here I need you help me whoa is me episode. Sunday, much of the same but I was local now so it wasn't THAT big of a deal.  Monday, her doctor called her back and told her it was a panic attack and guess what?  She's fucking fine.  Oh but not before she ordered a medic alert panic button.  Yay.  We have to cancel the trip to Cherokee.  My time in the mountains with no one but me and a stream and a rocking chair?  Oh that's toast.  No, she doesn't think she should be around the smoke and she won't be able to walk tat far and cue violins but maybe... since it's her birthday this weekend I can take her by the new casino at kings mountain where she's been wanting to go for weeks now.

Does anyone see what she did here?  Guilt trip.  It's my birthday so I HOPE you'll come by.  I'm feeling better now and when I feel better I get so LONELY.  Instead of going all the way to Cherokee where I won't be able to walk the casino, maybe we can go the one twenty minutes from my house that's equally as huge but you'll be WITH ME when I have to sit down because I CAN'T BREATHE.  I don't like it when YOU are down.  It makes ME feel bad.

I swear my mother could give a Jewish mother from the sixties a master class in how to successfully throw a guilt trip.  Any one of the mothers on sitcoms from that era have absolutely NOTHING on my mom.

And I absolutely CANNOT vent to my friends because they don't have moms anymore so no matter what, even when they say I can vent, I feel like world's most ungrateful person because they're moms have gone on to god and I'm here complaining about mine.  

It is so hard for me to ask for help.  I don't know how and if I manage to  get the words out for one time in my life, I get platitudes.

why doesn't anyone understand that I just need to walk away?  From all of it.  Create a new life in a place that no one knows me and not do this anymore.  What scares me the most is that my mom is 76 this year.  I don't have many more years left with her and when she's gone, I am probably going to do just that: Walk away into the sunset and not one bloody person will be able to find me because I am so over this.

Like I said, I think Mildred dying was the trigger that set off a bomb that's been smoldering for a long time.  I don't even like my job anymore.  Death has always felt like a sinking ship to me.  A sinking ship that drags everyone around it under with no hope of getting back to the surface again.  I usually walk away before death swings his scythe.  But I couldn't this time and this time, it dragged me under and took all the compassion I had because I can't tell you right now that I care about anything.

My job annoys me, my mom annoys me... but here's the kicker, if you tell her you just need space, she gets moody and remember that little goddamn island and me sailing away...?, the fact that my kids refuse to knock before they bust open my door, yeah that annoys me too.  My animals annoy me.  The fact that that fucking kitten has managed to most likely get Satan's mistress pregnant and I'm going to have to deal with that soon annoys me.

I don't have a pastor that I can talk to because Hagwood, not that personable and guess who is good friends with my mom?  Can't talk to anyone in the church because guess who they're ALL good friend with?  Don't have a man that can just give me one of those man hugs that fix shit because I am only a fuck friend.  Derek, on'y wants to fuck me.  Doesn't want that emotion shit.  Donald?  Only wants to fuck me.  Like he won't even read a text I've sent for a whole fucking week.

Fuck this!  Fuck it all!  What the fuck did I do to someone in a past life that this is my penance? I can't find love.  Like he's not out there.  I don't believe any of it anymore.  He's not.  I'm going to die alone.  I am going to be singing all by myself until the day that I can finally finally FINALLY lay down in bed and close my eyes and wake up in a new life.

And please God if I did anything to anyone in THIS life that's going to screw the next life just let me be someones guardian angel of something.  Please don't give me another life like this.  I might just have to fall from grace and defect because damn, it is incredibly had to associate the God that church tells me loves me with any deity that would let this life continue like this.  How can I believe that some unseeing force of whatever WANTS me to be this miserable?  

Just please tell me what did I do?  Why is this my life?  Who did I screw so cosmically over and where can I find them to apologize?

I can't do this much longer.  I just can't...

Growing up

 So I told my mom when I got the new car, it would just mean me having to grow up.  Gone are the days when I can choose not to work until noon or one pm and be off by five.  I have to grow up and take the morning hours so that I can afford the adult car.

To that end, last night I started a new bedtime routine.  I take my pills at nine and go to bed by eleven.  At 10:45 last night I shut down my computer and climbed in bed.  At 11 when the bedtime alarm went off I turned off my phone and rolled over.  Did I go right to sleep? No.  But I didn't give up and go back to my phone I laid there and eventually it was five AM when the rain started.  And then it was 8 am.

I don't feel like I wanted to stay in my bed forever, and I don't feel the least but tired.  I almost kinda hopes that this will become my new normal.  It's not a bad feeling.

But I have to go. It's raining again and that means people in Charlotte will completely forget how to drive. So one must be on her p's and q's today.  Today is the 8 hour day so let's see how this goes.  

Smell ya later... Hey now, you didn't really expect me to jump totally into Adulthood did ya? LOL

Ta!

Why

Why does no one ever listen until you find yourself screaming?  Bald from where you e pulled your hair out not that it matters anywhere because stress is causing it to fall out anyway?  Clothes are falling off of you because you e list so much weight because you don’t even have the desire to eat even enough to keep yourself alive because if you’re alive that means this just continues.

I want to die.

I don’t even want to run away anymore I... I just want to die.

My mom is going in for surgery and as per her usual her being scared that she won’t make it out alive means that she feels like she had full god given permission to treat me like shit.

I am never going to be the daughter she wants.  I don’t call every few hours.  I don’t go visit her.  I don’t make her my number one person all day every day.

During this fucking pandemic shes has closeted herself in her house.  She won’t go anywhere she won’t do anything.  But me, the essential one is supposed to drop everything and run out to Gastonia and visit her.  At no time did it ever dawn on her that she could climb in her car and come see us.  Why?  Because my house is a mess and my lawn is not awesome and it’s such a long way and yada yada bullshit.  I mean, even if she just sat in the driveway to chat isn’t that a reasonable compromise than me trekking out to Gastonia all the damn time?  

This year on her birthday she pretty much demanded we come out to her.  That would have been fine and great since it was her birthday and no one would have minded but doing that meant that three people had to call off work because she wanted us ALL DAY and when I mentioned maybe half the day she pulled the “But it’s my 75th birthday!” Card.

In June I went away with my friends for one weekend and I didn’t call her every night of that mini vacation so by the time I got back she was butthurt  and didn’t want to speak to me.   

I wish it was just my mom this time.  It’s never just my mom. And I’m old enough to realize that my mom only gets under my skin when something else has already broken the skin.

I recently got insurance through my job.  Which is awesome but to maintain it you have to work an average of 35 hours a week and no matter how many times I try to tell them I am tired and hurting and need to keep it at that 35 maybe 40 hours a week, Linda keeps loading me up to the point where last week I hit 58 hours and this week is rolling up on the 50 mark.  I even said I wanted to make Saturday my one day off.  The one day where I could just take it down.  That email was responded to by say lol ok and could I work next Saturday...

I just need it to stop.  All of it.  Stop.

I have runner tendencies and I really feel like the day after I lose my mom people are going to look up and I’m going to be gone.  Slipped away without a word to anyone to a place where I can finally take a deep breath and exhale.  Someplace where no one is constantly nagging me, asking me for anything, or demanding anything from me.

Someplace where only those who have been paying attention will even think to look.

Away.

I guess she's gone

So I'm guessing Roxie is gone.  No goodbye to me or anything.  Not even a random bag of Candy Corn left on my desk.

But I guess that's okay too.

So I'm pretty sure I'm ready to talk about it without crying too much and if I or she talked about it I apologize for repeating myself (Ourselves?). But Monday night was unofficially the last time I will ever set foot in a Pizza Hut again.

Monday, and understand that this is the last night that Roxie and I were together, we get this call from a friend at another hut telling us that the manager there was telling someone how he was taking over Arboretum the next day.  That was our store.  She called us to warn us that we were getting fired.  So we called Brad who, of course, sent us to voicemail but answered the "Am I getting fired?" (Because he refused to acknowledge the DID diagnosis) and he answered with "no but we need to talk tomorrow". Our response was that we were off tomorrow.  Never once did we ask if we could meet Wednesday or anything and never once did he offer to meet us somewhere Tuesday.

Wednesday morning, I woke up.  Just me.  Roxie was there but she was chilling.  It was a day off so she wasn't needed. I could feel her but not to the point where she was in any way in control.  And I spent the day cleaning and doing laundry and whatnot.  Brad texted and asked me to meet him at the Bojangles behind Mountain Island at 930 am.  I asked is this a meeting I had to dress in uniform for.  He said yes, I said okay.

Wednesday Morning, again, I woke up.  But instead of knowing Roxie was there, I didn't.  I even sat in the car and asked her if she wanted to do this or did she want me to do this and I got no answer.  None whatsoever so I figured if I needed her to handle this she'd come out.

I was wrong.  Roxie apparently decided it was time for me to start living and handling shit all on my own.  Admittedly I still kinda low key resent her for that but in a way, I can't really blame her because I know now, that I was hiding behind her.  Anyway, I walked into he restaurant and brad came in shortly after.  Without preamble he slid a sheet in front of me and told me in the most clinical and cold voice that I have EVER heard that I was being demoted to a shift leader.  Not assistant manager not being given the help I need.  Not even going to be working with the guy that said he was taking over my store. I was being demoted and sent back to prosperity.  The store I was shot at over some damn chicken wings.  And I was being demoted to a pay rate lower than that that I had hired my own shift leads at.

Understand that at this point they have more than doubled my rent, taken away my food stamps and for days I had been living without water because I couldn't afford the bill.  Not once did Brad ask me if everything was okay.  He's over there every damn day asking if Diamond was okay and texting her all the time but never once did he ask me if I was okay to which I would have probably not said yes for the first time.

Not only was he sending me back to the store I was shot at, he was cutting my pay in half if not more and telling me that sometimes I'd even be a driver.

I cried for Roxie.  I signed his paper because I thought I could do it and maybe then I thought I could do but I signed it and left.  I got in the car and I begged for Roxie to answer me but all I got was silence so I went to housing and showed them and then I went to Kelley who reactivated me as a Keeper.  So didn't have a gap job wise.

And then I went home and commenced drinking.  You don't need to know the gory details of it but apparently I am a very... uh... social drunk and called a lot of people.  In the end, Kat had to come from her job and put me to bed.  Also... Apparently Roxie said goodbye to her.  She said that I had been asleep for awhile but I looked her in the eyes and said Thank you for helping her, I can sleep now.  So Roxie said goodbye someone.

Not that I'm not used to it.  Usually when Roxie goes away for long periods of time she doesn't say goodbye in the traditional sense.  I usually get what I feel like is a random hug and then she's gone and I don't know when she'll be back.  If she'll be back.  How to bring her back.

This episode in "Down the Rabbit hole" has taught me one thing though.....  As a person, you expect certain people to always be there and some others to at least not run away but more than two of the people that I had hoped would at least try to help me, ran.  And I don't mean ran with small letters I mean RAN with capital bold letters.  One of whom I, Claudette, really liked.  And honestly, I think him running away hurts more than Roxie going away because I know one day, Roxie will be back back but him, he, he won't be because I think I'm smart enough to realize now that when the chips are down, he will probably cash out and walk away from the table.  And I don't think I can feel that hurt anymore.  Realizing that he could do that as coldly as Brad and his meeting hurt almost as bad as Brad and his meeting and I can't feel that way ever again.  I don't want to feel that way ever again.  Either you are there for it all or not there at all.  I forgive him though.    If I had readers out here, I would ask if it's possible to even feel like a friend to him but I don't have readers.  Silly Dette, Readers are for popular people! LOL.

I mean, can you call someone that drops you that bad a friend?  Can you?

One friend gave me his honest open opinion about the whole thing and I respect him.  He's still my friend.  I may be feeling a bit salty towards him but he's always been my friend, he's always given his whole opinion and he's never lied.  So yeah, he's a friend.

I have to think on the first guy.  Probably to be blogged about another time because that's going to have to be a conference between my head and my heart and right now, my heart is on crutches hobbling to and fro and my head is being stubborn and telling my heart to suck it up while it goes through stacks of paperwork for the last few weeks trying to sort out what the hell just happened.  How we went down the rabbit hole how we called out Roxie, how the last few weeks just happened because I'm going to be brutally honest, There are somethings that Roxie did that I have no memory of except snatches of conversations she may have wanted me to hear or text messages between her and whoever.  Right now my brain feels like the most overworked secretary in the world.

But I'm able to function again, so Roxie, if you're out in the ether and you surface long enough to read this, Thank you and I love you because if you hadn't been here these last few weeks I'm pretty sure id be dead right now.  So thank you.  Thank you for being the Wonder Woman you apparently always have been.

Ciao Bellas. Have to take the minion to work.

R- Let’s talk about sex baby...

Let’s talk about that for a second.  

I mean.  I just stood in the mirror looking at this body for like twenty minutes.  It’s got some curves and some dents but it’s not bad.  The boobs are about palm sized and not hard, the nipples are kinda responsive.

It’s not a bad body, so why does no one want it?  We need to work on that.  Yeah.  

I wonder...

When people decide to kill themselves, do they contemplate it for awhile, then decide they aren’t going to do it, then decide to change their lives, then something snaps and boom?  Life over.

Problems for them done, problems for everyone else just beginnng?  Like is there a thought process?  Stages?

I’m pretty convinced that if there are stages, I’m at the life affirmation, deciding to turn it all around stage.  That being said I wonder what stage is next?  The one when you get extremely angry because you realize your ass is stuck?  The one where you jus decide fork it?

I wish I could just kill me and not Roxie because it’s me that’s depressed.  She’s not depressed.  She’s angry that I can’t pull myself out of this depression.  Not even having probably the best weekend of my life can pull me completely out of this hole.

And believe me when I say it was the best weekend I have had in so long I can’t remember a better weekend.  But I was only halfway out of my hole when I had to go back to work and got blamed for shit that I wasn’t even there for.

My inventory was off.  No prep was done.  Truck was still in the floor.  The computer was frozen. There was expired product in the walk in because of the two managers there, not one person realized that he sixteenth was two forking days ago and that the tenth was over a week ago.

But it’s my fault.  Because I’m the general manager.

I’m both relieved and terrified to say that it took Roxie point five seconds to decide fork the cohabitation thing and shove me back in my black hole of nothing which is oddly becoming quite a comforting place since nothing and no one can seem to hurt me there.

Well the cheese can.  The cheese and the hut can hurt me no matter if I’m in my deep dark blackness, at the beach frolicking in the waves, trudging through sand dunes tonsee a ighthouse that admittedly was really pretty, or even having a drink for my goddamn birthday.  The cheese can hurt me.
Something happened to all the wings.  I wasn’t there but it was my fault that we only had three bags this morning.

Have you ever seen two personalities fight over a text?  I assure you it’s actually kind of funny.  I mean when my ass began to get cheeed this morning I was like "but I wasn’t even here how is this my fault?" But Roxie was all like "You can kiss the part of my ass that I haven’t wiped after eating four day old Mexican food!" We typed the response text so many times and deleted it to rewrite it, that we actually got a text in the middle of it asking if we had an answer.

Sadly or maybe not sadly, an edited version of Roxie’s text is what got sent...  the boss realized later in when she went off on the other managers for ignoring her but sitting up and clapping for the batshit crazy phsycho manager that is allowed to quit every damn day for two weeks and still have a store show.  I swear.  Roxie’s pissed off was felt in like six stores and the dm’s office/car today.  She asked three times if anyone had any wings and no one bothered to answer.  So finally she asked if she could be taken out of the chat because she was tired of being ignored.  That she was always there if they had a question that she might be able to answer but it was amazing how when she needed one goddamn answer suddenly everyone’s phone was dead. She was immediately answered with no no one had any spare wings and the dm telling her to order some from the warehouse and he would personally go pick it up.

I can’t say how I came out of my black hole that Roxie places me in for my own protection but I’m out.  Probably because she worked hard to correct the mistakes in the store today and when she’s tired here are less barriers for me to get through.

It’s okay Roxie.  You sleep now.  Tomorrow I will see the doctor and try not to sound like a blubbering mess that’ll get us locked up in an asylum when I try to explain how stressed we are.  I never get to say this to you, but I got you.  For right now.  I got this.  You rest.

I’m not out of the hole that threatening to swallow us both, but I’m out of it enough that for this one time, I can hold you and tell you it’s going to be okay for tonight.

It’s an aside, but everyone knows that losing someone very dear to them is horrible and there’s levels to your healing process but telling someone to stop complaining that they looked ugly on the morning of their fortieth birthday because every birthday is a gift and her husband didn’t get that gift is not okay.  Not okay like at all and the person who pulled that stunt is so very very lucky that both of us have an immense amount of respect and didn’t go off in her for it because it was done to us at the worst possible time today.


I’m tired now.  I think going t bed is the best possible thing I could do.

Ciao Bellas

Not waking up

It’s hard to show who’s typing right now because both of us are wondering what hat it be like if we’d never been born?  What what it’d have been like if we never split into two and what would it be like if we took the rest of this bottle of clonazapam and a handful of tradodone and just... didn’t wake up...

It’d be like going to sleep right?  Dying? Leaving all the pain behind and for once not feeling like we’re no good enough, not pretty enough, not competent enough, or just to put it simply not enough...

The mother unit would be broken, there’s no doubt about that. But unlike us, she has God to turn to. He still talks to her.  Or maybe it’s that she still talks to him.  We’re not really sure how the religious thing works anymore.

The kids would be mad and sad but they’d have their dad and Gabby to cling to.  He’d get to be the only parent whichbhes wanted for as long as e can remember, she’d get to be mom to all of them.  Well probably just Livy and Jojo.  We don’t think she really ever cared for Kayla but we did and that was enough.

Kay would blame Pizza Hut and we feel that somehow this would break her more than it would break anyone else.  For that we apologize.

The father unit.... ell bless him but he’s just come back into our lives and he’s never been aware that there’s wonof us and he’d probably say I was Gods plan and the mother unit would finally beat he shit out of him because there is no plan that her God could have that would rob her of her baby.

The Hut wouldn’t feel a damn thing.  They’d replace us without a second thought although if we ever did this there would be a note telling one and all that he Hut precipitated this cation of cowardice.

Of all the people we would feel for... not sorry... but feel in our eternal soul... would be the friend units that have always been there and have bent over backwards to try and pull us out of our holes.  They have talked us down, talked us up, takes to us t our lower points, laughed with us at our higher points.  For them we would probably hate what we’d done.

But we’d be free.  And maybe finally the two different people that we are.  Claudette could see what Roxie looks like and vice versa because we thing if we ever got separated we might look like very different.

We apologize.  But this is something hat we’ve been thinking more and more about every day that life tells us we aren’t good enough.  We apologize if we ever do this but the pain is getting too much and we can’t hold on much longer.  We’ve been holding on as long as we can and pretty soon our grip is going to slip and when it does....

We are truly sorry.

Grey walls

Roxie here... so I did a thing.

  A couple of things actually.  I asked someone for a play date but he said he was busy so I was faced with a couple of options.

One.  Deal with it.  Nope.

Two: respect his request for monogamy and find something to do with our time.

Three: screw his request for monogamy and go find us a plaything which would likely get us caught up in something we didn’t want to be in and the play date requested would find out and that would be the end of that.

We chose option two.  Or rather I did.  I chugged a shitton of starbucks and painted a wall.  With glitter.

And I only half finished it.

Claudette was a little peeved.

I need a play date.  I don’t think Claudette will handle it well if I paint anything else...

Government issued dick where r u?

I’m reaching that point where the government issued fuck boy should be getting ready to be shipped to my house any day now.

I mean seriously, why isn’t this a thing?  Why can’t the government just make this happen?  They can regulate everything else...

I’m about to go watch fifty shades of kinky fuckery again just so I can remember what sex between two people is because self serve sex is NOT sex.  I don’t care what people say.

I’ve screamed my own name so much even the neighbors know when I’m using the self serve lane...

Excerpt of Catching the Duchess

Just because I want to be obtuse....

She stalked back to the stairs and back up to the kitchen muttering about men and their stupid ways.  Rosa didn’t even look up as Paige stomped through.  Andrew met her at the stairs and quietly pressed himself against the wall for her to pass.  She muttered all the way to her room where she slammed the door hard enough to make the pictures on the wall shake.  

She barely been in the room when the door opened and Milo came in.

"You are the most bull headed woman I have ever met.  Do you ever listen?  At all?"

"Yes I listen but I don’t take orders.  You can’t order me around like I’m one of your subjects."

"I know you’re not one of my subjects.  They listen!"

"I don’t do blind obedience."

"I’ve never asked you for blind obedience.  Never once!"

"No you just wanted me to be blind!" Paige yelled.

"How do you figure that?"

"I was supposed to be blind to the fact that you hired me a bodyguard so you’d know where I was all the time?  I was supposed to be blind to you paying my bills? I was supposed to let that poor kid that Rogan beat up rot in jail or let you hurt him more?"

"I hired Rogan to make your life easier.  I paid your bills because I love you and I want you to want for nothing! And for the last time, He SHOT YOU!  Of course I was going to beat him as badly as I could."

"This is what I’m talking about!  You run roughshod over my life like I can only hurt myself if I’m in charge of it!"

"What the hell?  How did you get that impression?!" 

"His gun shot me.  It didn’t shoot you!" Paige yelled. "I let him go because he didn’t mean to shoot!"

"How exactly do you hold a gun to someone’s head with no intention to shoot?"

"He was a teenager who needed money!" Paige yelled "He was desperate!"

"Oh My GOD you have such a bleeding heart!  If it had been anyone else he would have shot them, taken their wallet, and gone about his business."

"If it had been anyone else and he’d meant to shoot them he’d be in jail now."

"Exactly!"

"Exactly what?!?!?"

"He meant to shoot you!" Milo yelled

"I wouldn’t have even been in that damn park if you hadn’t hired me a bodyguard that I needed to sneak away from!"

"Will you stop jumping around on subjects!?!?"

"Will you stop trying to control me like one of your subjects?!?"

"I DO NOT control my subjects!"

"If you say jump, do they ask how high?"

"If I were stupid enough to make such an asinine request, they might!"

"Exactly!"

"Exactly what?!?!?"

"You!  You can’t control everything!  You have been pulling the strings since the night I met you!"

"Besides trying to protect you, name one thing, one thing that I did wrong."

"You could have told me who you were!"

"We’ve been through this!  You wouldn’t have believed me and when you finally did you would run away!"

"Who says I wouldn’t have stuck it out?"

"My grandmother told you who I was and you ran away.  And not just ran away, you ran around the whole damn world and back again!"

"Because I wanted you to give up!"

"I will never give up."

"You have to."

For a second, Milo had to take a step back.  As she‘d said the last sentence color flooded back into her eyes.

"Why?" he asked gulping.

"Because you and I can’t be together."

"Give me one good reason."

"You’re a Prince in a country that’s still a monarchy."

"So?"

"You need to go back to your people.  You’re going to be king someday.  They need you."

"I need my queen."

"The Queen, your grandmother, has made it abundantly clear that I’m not good enough for you or her country." Paige replied.

"Then my brother will have to be king."

"You think it’s a simple as that?  I will not be made out to be the modern day Wallis Simpson.  You will not abdicate your throne.  You will go back to Dalistos and we’ll forget any of this ever happened."

"No."

"No?"

"You heard me.  I snuck off the island to find you.  I followed the plan of a teenager to get to you.  I am not going anywhere without you."

"Why won’t you see reason, Milo?"

"Frustrating woman!  How many languages do I have to say it in?  I love you!  Ti amo!  Ik hou van je!  Rakastan sinua!  Eu te amo!  Seni seviyorum!  Je t'aime!  Jeg elsker dig!!  Nakupenda!"

Paige stepped back from Milo.  With every language his voice got louder.

"Okay I know French and the Italian, but I’m sure a few of those you made up." She said.

"In order, English, Italian, Dutch, Finnish, Portuguese, Turkish, French, Danish, and Swahili.  I’m pretty sure that I can find a few more languages both made up and real to say it in but the point is that I love you and I’m not going anywhere until you agree to be my wife.  From the moment you snuggled against me after the first night I knew that you were more than a one night stand.  When you cried in France I knew I had moved too fast but I couldn’t stop.  Heaven help me, I wanted for you never to want for anything in your life.  I wanted for you to know unconditional love from a man and no strife or heartache.  I can’t apologize for the way I went about it but I didn’t know any other way than to give you the same comforts I have.  My grandmother is a witch.  She always has been.  She had to be.  After my father died she was faced with having to raise two grandsons and she had already spent half of her life to that point raising a son to be king.  So she’s bitter.  It doesn’t excuse what she said to you, nothing will.  But she’s on the island.  If you won’t go back there, I will abdicate and stay here in England.  Dominic will be king and you and I can live our life in peace but you have to believe me when I say, for the last time,  that I am sorry for everything in the past and that I love you." Milo said. "I’m not going anywhere."

Milo finished and pulled Paige to him in an Earth shattering kiss.  It started as an act of dominance but quickly turned into a struggle of mastery.

He put both hands on the collar of her shirt and ripped it apart, sending buttons flying.  She did the same to his t-shirt.  He ran fingers around the waist of her skirt and yanked.  The silk tore away leaving Paige in her bra, underwear, and pumps.  Paige shoved his shorts and underwear down with one push and he sprang free against her stomach.  He grabbed her hair and pulled her head back.  As she gripped him in her hands he ran his tongue and teeth down her neck.  Suddenly Paige pushed back from him and out of his embrace.

They glared at each other for a moment in pure lust. As they stood there, the clear sapphire that was Paige’s normal eye color deepened into a fathomless pool of blue so dark he couldn’t make out the pupil.  Before he could adjust, Paige whipped a stunned Milo around and shoved him down to the bed.  As he sat on the edge of bed staring up at her, Paige sunk to her knees and took him into her mouth.  He grabbed the bed post tightly as Paige took him to the very back of her throat and purred.

"Ah God!" Milo choked out.

With hands, tongue, and lips, Paige worked to bring him to the edge.  Just when he thought he was going to go careening off the mountain gladly, she would ease up and take him back down.  The fourth time she brought him back to the edge, Milo put his hand on the back of her head and refused to let her stop her sweet torment.  When he could stand it no longer, he took his hand from the back of Paige’s head and grabbed the bedspread.  She came away just as Milo growled her name and came over her hands.  Paige sat back on her heels and looked smug as he spiraled back down to earth.

Satisfied that she’d won the upper hand, Paige got to her feet and walked to the bathroom, but she didn’t make it far.  Milo shot up and grabbed her hand.  With a devious smile and more energy than he should have, he threw her down on the bed.

"My turn."

"Show me what ya got." Paige taunted.

Slowly, as if he were a tiger stalking his prey, Milo crawled up the length of her.  He pressed her into the mattress with a kiss but came up as she caught his bottom lip between her teeth.  He tugged it free and started his descent lower.  Slowly he pulled the straps of her bra down each arm until, too late, Paige realized that in her position, her arms were now trapped.  Slowly he pulled the cups on the bra down so that her breasts freed themselves.  He took one nipple into his mouth and tortured it with his tongue; relishing the way it came to life and hardened in his mouth.  His tongue flicked back and forth over the ultra sensitive bud until Paige was squirming.  Then he moved to the other breast repeating his sweet ministrations until she was panting from the sensations.  He moved up to kiss her again.

"Is that all you’ve got" Paige taunted when he’d pulled back.

"Oh no.  Not by a long shot."

He went back to her breasts but this time, the hand not supporting him worked its way into her lacy underwear.  With his index finger he began to play with her bud, coaxing it from its hiding spot.  He’d flick his tongue then he’d circle his finger.  Paige moaned and bucked but he held on.  Slowly, Milo slipped his middle finger into her, working it in a circular motion.  Presently he slipped his ring finger inside the tightness.  Paige bucked harder, but it only made his fingers sink deeper.

"Ah!" She moaned.

After her nipples were sufficiently suckled and in no danger of ever retreating, Milo, still working his hand began to work his mouth down her body.  For a fraction of a second, he removed his hand only to turn it and begin ministrations again.  With his free hand, he slipped the bit of lace down and began a slow, sweet reign of kisses up her inner thigh pausing to circle the tender flesh at each kiss site with the point of his tongue.  Paige buckled and twisted, trying to escape, but nothing could free her but the orgasm that seemed to be just out of her reach.  As his kisses reached his hand, Milo let his tongue replace his thumb as he began working her clitoris. Slow swipes with the tip of his tongue and it came out to play only to have Milo blow cold air on it for it to retreat.    It was when he began to suck at it in earnest that Paige shot like a rocket to the top of her peak and prepared to jump off.  The slight tension around his fingers tipped Milo off and he ceased his ministrations completely, sending Paige sliding back to the base of her mountain.

"No!" Paige groaned. "No! No! No!"

To which, Milo responded by resuming his torture by returning to her breasts and starting from the top.

In answer to the four times Paige carried him to his peak and denied him release, Milo worked Paige up only to deny her the very same jump into oblivion.  She mewed, groaned, and even cursed him roundly but he refused her the final break.  

"Please…" She mewed.

It was the tone Milo had been waiting for.  He left her breasts one final time and moved his face down between her legs.  Silently, he curled his middle and index finger into her and circled all while using his tongue to draw her bud out to play again.  She tightened around his fingers, her bud came out to play, and she spiraled off into oblivion calling his name as she broke into a million pieces. Before she could touch back down to earth, Milo’d unhooked her bra, freed her arms, laid back on the bed, and pulled her astride him.

As Paige’s senses touched back down, Milo slammed her onto him and grabbed her hips setting a breakneck speed.  Not one to be outdone, Paige held on letting the sensation build.  Suddenly, Milo withdrew from her causing Paige to half scream, half whimper.  He bent her over and took her from behind.  He leaned in close as if he were going to stretch and kiss her, but he wrapped his hands around her middle to finger her as he thrust, sending ripples of desire through Paige.  

Every time one of them was close to that epic, final jump into oblivion, Milo would stop and reposition them.  After taking her from behind, he went to her on top but backwards so that when she lay back, he had free reign on her breasts.  When he felt her tightening again, he swapped them around again, so that he was on top and able to make it as slow as he pleased.  To her credit, Paige tried everything in her power to speed him but the more she tried, the slower he went until, at one point, he was pausing between each thrust of his hips.

"You can’t continue this forever." Paige breathed. "You have to let go sometime and when you do…"

"I’m taking you right with me." He replied as he thrust into her one more time. "Do you yield?"

"Never."

He ripped himself from her body only to fall to the bed and drag her on top of him.  She tried to get on him but he kept moving from her grasp.

"Do you yield?" he asked.

"Never." She replied catching him and holding him straight as she sank onto him.

This time Paige set the rhythm for a bit before Milo took her hips in his hands and began pumping her harder.

"Do you yield?" he asked

"Never!" but there was much less conviction to the word than before.

He began to thumb her clitoris again as he grinded her atop him.  She was powerless to escape the iron grip he had on her hips with his other arm and he could feel her tightening around him once more.

"Do. You. Yield?" He ask forcefully thrusting himself into her more fully with each word.

"I yield!" She screamed with her head thrown back.

Milo grabbed her hands and they both jumped over the edge.  Spent and unable to move on her own accord, Paige flopped onto Milo’s chest panting.  With extreme effort, Milo wrapped his arms around her and rolled to the side.

"Now, will you marry me?" He asked.

"Uh huh." Paige sighed.

"Ti amo, amore mio." (I love you my love.)

"Ti amo, troppo." (I love you too.)

The job

.... is going to kill us, we have come to this conclusion. We have also come to the conclusion that we are going to try this living in tandem thing since neither of us likes being locked away so we really feel bad for y’all... like all of y’all because we’re pretty sure it’s gonna be hell

On y’all...

Not for us.

Doctor canceled our appointment for medication refill so that might be why we are cosharing this body the way we are.

Boss hasn’t gotten to meet Claudette.  He’s white and kinda cute so she blubbers.  I ask questions.  He’s almost fifty and has two daughters and hasn’t been married in awhile.  Like awhile awhile.  She’s gonna have to handle that and stop blubbering when he works out makeline.

Am we weird that we find men who can dig their fingers into make like ingredients like pros so damn sexy?

I think we are.  Like prescription grade weird.

Anyway, we rocked the fuck outta work today and made $47 in tips PLUS beat our forecast.  So take that!

Yeah.  Today was a decently awesome day.

Signing off, Roxie! Stay chilly bishes!

So much shit....

You guys.... so much shit is going down, I'm not sure if I'm here or she's here... I think we're BOTH here which isn't good for anyone.

So tonight my newest District manager just found out that I haven't been lying when I keep telling them that I DON'T KNOW HOW TO DO MY JOB.  I have been telling them... WE have been telling them over and over again that there's no much shit we don't know how to do that they want us to do.  When it gets frustrating that no one listens and Claudette cries John and Sherry tell her to stop crying.  Sherry tells her "I wouldn't have given you this promotion if I didn't believe in you Caudiette!" I'm serious ya'll this woman has known me almost a year and has NEVER ONCE gotten my name right.  When We ask her for help all she has ever thrown in the past three to five weeks is a pep talk.  John gets pissed off when Claudette cries because she's so forking frustrated that no one will listen.  But tonight Brad asked the million dollar question...

"Well, you were an assistant Gm for what, a year or so before you got this store, right?"
"No, Brad, less than six months."
"Excuse me?"
"I started AGM on February 10."
"...of last year....?"
"This year."
"Excuse me?  I was under the impression that you had been running stores for awhile before this.  We have to get a list of things you know and don't know."
"Sherry has the list."
"What?"
"The list you're talking about.  It has three columns.  One for associate, one for shift leader and one for AGM/RGM' right"
"Yeah."
"I know everything in the associate list, missed four things in the shift leader list and only new four things in the AGM/RGM list"
"FOUR THINGS‽‽‽‽‽‽"

At this point you could practically hear his eyes bulging out of his skull.

"Yes four things and every time I ask for help and tell people that I don't know what I'm doing, John tells me to stop crying because that's all he thinks I do, and Sherry gives me a pep talk.  At least you have tried to help me but there's only so much you can do with the information you've been given and I don't think they told you the truth."

"..."

I think we are on the verge of being fired.  And we will be damned if they fire us because they put us in a position that we've told them repeatedly we weren't ready for.

And it all keeps coming down to one thing.

Sherry engineered this to get rid of us.  When Josh got on her nerves because she kept trying to make him feel like an incompetent ape that didn't know his job, she banished him to another district.  Somehow I annoyed her and she engineered this to get rid of me.

Before we got Chris at Mountain Island I was very sure that the Island was going to chew him up and spit him out like it did every other manager.  I called Sherry and I told her that when this store chewed upon the manager and spit him out I wanted to be trained to be the GM."  Those were the exact words that Claudette said to her.  Chris arrived three days later and four days later Claudette was given her own store.

And two weeks later, the island chewed up Chris and spit him out.

Sherry did this.  Somehow we pissed her off and she banished us.  And worse, she lied to her boss about what we could do in order to get rid of us.

Claudette is kinda worried that she's gotten Sherry in trouble with the revelation we imparted tonight.

Roxie (We're trying out names while we still "discuss" *Fight* over what I am going to be called.) doesn't give a bloody shit if Sherry gets her ass ripped from ear to ear over this.  Because every single thought we can have comes down to Sherry lied to get me out of her district.

And We'll be dammed if they fire us for not knowing our job.

Fork this.  Shortest respite in history.

Roxie's back bitches.  buckle up and hold on.  Shit's about to get real.

Whatever

I read back so I know what she's been up to so it's whatever, but she does have a name.  It's Dette and she's been answering to it for 23 years.  IF you answer to a name for 23 years, thats your name.  Deal with it.  Whatever, she 's gone.    Let's see if I can handle the world since she thinks that she has to be y superman cape.  I can assure you, she's not my superhero cape.  I can do this and she will no longer be needed.  She comes busting out when SHE thinks I need her but I don't need her.

Begone foul went and the next time you come busting out of your little room, I suggest you not get too comfortable out here in the light.  The sun is mine.  And I keep what's mine.