I cant say that I have a reason for this other then I really just don't use my phone to blog, i usually wait until I get home to write my feelings down the computer. But today, I'm feeling like another manic period is creeping up on me. I can honestly say that I have not had one that threatened to hit this hard in a while. Im sitting here at work about to go in and I'm outside crying like a baby.
Why? I dont fucking know. I dont even think theres a reason except...
I feel so totally alone right now. Like stranded on a desert island kinda lonely. And its NOT the "I really need a man" kind of lonely. Its the "I dont know what the fuck I mean but I FEEL it" kind of lonely.
There is no one that I can talk to. Ninety nine percent of my friends turn my bad days into their own personal therapy session when I take the chance and talk like everyone urges me to. This is precisely WHY I keep all of my feelings bottled up inside. Just about every time I go to tell someone about whats making me feel like shit I get, "I know cause like I..." and thus begins them telling me about their craptastic day/week/month/endless moment.
And im too much of a chickenshit to just open mu mouth and say that for once I don't give a goid goddamn about anyone else right at the moment.
Plus im in PMS week so the hormones and the emotions are ganging up on me which isny makinh anything any better. If anything its making them worse because the need to tell people to shut up and for once be the friend I need them to be instead of dumping shit on me is something thats really hard to control.
I wonder if anyone else feels like that and what they do about it. I wish I still had a therapist that would sit and listen unobjectively but stupid me decided I didnt need her. Nor did I need the meds that kept me on an even keel with the world...
So I have fifteen more minutes before I have to go into work and pretend like I feel like being a people person today.
What I wany to do is to curl up in my bed with my dvr remote and stay where the world kicked me. Not say anything to anyone and not do a damn thing. Wonder if I can convince Ambs to let me go. Pretty surr thats a no...
Sigh... let me get my ass up and get in there. The sooner begun, the sooner done...
