Today is one of those days where I pretend that it's a good day but in reality I just wanna walk out in the middle of the street and scream FUCK at the top of my lungs for as long and as loud as they will let me.
And here's the kick in the face: There are way too many effing reasons to pinpoint why!
I mean, there's the usual. I'm so lonely I could and usually do cry. I mean on the nightly. Can't relax myself with a small drink anymore because a small drink relaxes my brain into thinking that it has the right to think about the fact that not one damn person on this godforsaken planet wants me. And I can have friends who will do the obligatory "You are pretty... No you are! Don't feel that way... the right guy will come along and he'll be worth the wait..." bull and it might draw a smile from me for the moment but you know what. screw the wait. Would it kill for just one guy to want me now? Would it be so much to ask the cosmos to send someone, anyone, that finds me attractive enough to want to be with me?? I mean what the hell did I do that was so effed up that I have to be punished for this many years??
And then there's my issues with Kayla. There is something off there. I don't want to say something wrong. It's not wrong, it's off. I know it is. And I'm tired of doctors blowing me off. They have been blowing me off since she was one years old and I'm tired of it. I get called over concerned. I get told I'm just trying to medicate my children. I have even been told that I have munchousin Syndrome. I mean really?!? All of this so that they won't simply check her. Well no more. They will check her. They are going to get my baby right.
I finally have a departure date for my kids. They will be going back with Randy the day after the Graduation at Kayla and Livy's school. He's flying out for it and he's taking the kids back with him. So I need to have Jovaughn packed up and ready t leave my house for good by then. The girls just need to be packed up and ready to be gone for the summer. Last Summer it wasn't as bad but this summer is going to be bad. Very bad. Last Summer I hadn't had male companionship in a long time so not having it then was no big deal to me. All I wanted was to hang out with my friends and chill. Then I met him and I had it for the first time in a long time and dammit I don't know if it was the fact that for the first time ever my eyes rolled back in my head on their own own or maybe because of the mere fact that it was it but I miss it. It's like a kid who grows up not having a lot to eat all their life. Then they go a few months and they have all they want. Then they're forced to go back to basically nothing. That kid is going to do it because they know deep down they can but before they remember that they can survive on barely anything they go damn near crazy first. That's where I am. Damn near crazy.
Dealing with my roller coaster moods is driving me crazy. I mean honestly crazy. My days of being able to cope with being able to call the shots on whether or not I act on getting up out of bed some days is becoming a real challenge. The temptation to take one of my bottles of vodka and just numb myself and do whatever floats across my brain some days is way to tempting. Listening to the voices in my head has become too much of a hassle just like shutting them up has become too much of a hassle. Blogging to let at least one of them have a voice every now and them is too much. It's like a effing television that some has turned the volume up to max and hidden the remote. All the channels are playing loudly and I can't stop it. I have stories that need to be written shouting their words at me. I have alternate realities playing out in there to the point where sometimes, I don't know what's real and what fake. I sometimes wake up and I'm so confused that Im in the bed I'm in because I felt so real and so safe in the dream.. Almost like this was the dream. All of my doubts are screaming at me from another section. While the little dwindling part of me that still trying hard to hold on to reality is screaming alternate pleas for help and shouts of something I can't make out. Then there's my mothers voice. The one that booms over it all telling me what to do, why I need to do it, when to do it, how to do it, where to do it, what the outcome will be, and the consequences of not doing it will be. Liquor makes the dull, I find but isn't that the point? The make them shut up for even a little while? Of course when they quiet for even a little while, I'm lonely which leads back to the top of my problems.
It's getting to be too much. And I... I don't know if I can do it much longer.
And the sad thing is... I think the only place I can admit that out loud, is my blog.
