And it bloody sucks!
I have been without a decent computer for going on four months now and that is a hell of a long time for me. My blue baby died in October of LAST YEAR and I haven't yet been able to get it fixed or gotten Randy to do something with it. I started using the E-machine that Denise and Steve gave me that had till then been the kids computer but now even it is dying on me. I don't understand. I keep it cleaned out. I don't put software that can be malicious on it and I use anti virus out the yang. But yet within five minutes of getting on the internet this thing freezes up and takes nearly ten minutes to thaw. Good God spell checking ONE WORD can take up to five minutes if it has a mind to.
And no one understands. My mom lets me use her computer but then she has to come get me or I have to go over there. They've closed the library near me and the next is maybe fifteen miles so Can't go there because then I get a lecture on gas prices.
Someone had once offered to help me fix it but he's got his own life and contrary to what I want to beleive no part of it includes me.
I started a new med that is an anti depressant but at this point, it's such a low dose that my depression has now triumphed over it. For one whole week I was okay. Shit was sliding off me like a greased pig and now. it's sticking.
I have no computer, I'm fucking alone and will be on yet another valentines day, my mom still treats me like I'm sixteen and no matter what I do I can't shake her, My frie3nds for the most part go about their dailly lives and don't give me even half a thought.
You know I bet if I just sat here not moving, not facebooking, not tweeting, and doing absolutely nothing even blogging, it would take the most diehard of my friends about three to four days to figure out that something was wrong. DOn't get me wrong. They are awesome friends but let's face it, in four days even three I could have died and be rotting and they wouldn't know it because I'm not one of those friends that they think about on a daily basis. I think about them, most of them on a daily bais but I don't seek them oiut and say anything because most of my friends and I function under the allusion that if no one has called/texted me about you saying your dead, then you are alright.
But I'm not.
I hate my fucking life. I can't do anything. I can't get a job because I have no car. I can't get a car because I have no job. I think and I'm not 100% sure but almost there that my God sister has jilted me of the estate money my godmother left me. Estates close after a year and it has been a little over that now. Like 15 months. I don't like sounding greedy but to be quite honest, that money is possibly the only thing that is going to save my ass right now.
They have cut off my water twice. I have managed to keep my power on but only by hook and crook. I'm damn lucky they are still picking up my trash and my gas bill is over 400 because it's been at least three months since I was able to pay them. Come spring, they WILL turn my gas off. There is no doubt of that whatsoever.
I can't hold on much longer. Randy says anything I need for the kids just tel him. HE will send it but then he has a me moment or a minutes for his fiancee to shout at him because he's once again taking care of my children and he stops doing right and does what she wants him to.
And how freaking fair is this? She had a effing PhD and a job, but HE has to pay for her mortgage, the childs daycare, and half of her household bills??? One wonders what the hell SHE'S paying for. Then on top of that, his mother can't bleed her daughter dry anymore since she has massive medical problems so she's turned to bleeding Randy. God knows what bills he's paying for her.
So I try not to complain when the child support is a little late because I know he has two other women sqwaking in his ear but how's it going to look when his first three kids are sitting in a dark cold house because he had to make a choice on which woman to listen to and his ex wife lost?
Won't look bad on him because I'm an adult, I should have a job,. I should be contributing to the household. Hell technically, I should be running th household. It's kinda hard to do that without a job.
The best part, everyone is pretty much demanding I move. Show me a way to move to a new house for free and I will do it. Last time I checked, you need deposits, moving costs, and everything else that goes with moving. If I can't get the money out him to pay the other stuff, how am I going to get that??? Hmm???
I have a fucking headache3. One that requires the new migraine med.
I can't do this anymore. I think I am just going to stop trying and let myself sink. It's not like anyone is going to swim to the bottom to help me up so who bloody cares anymore.
Fuck life. I'm done with it.
