But I'm not sure I want this on my mind as I sleep...
I had another night of my mom pushing my buttons again. Well, not a night. A couple of days actually but it almost came to a boil tonight.
On Thursday or maybe Friday, I'm losing days, my boss said to me that he might need me to stay late today which is totally fine. I had planned to take Jojo to the mall but quite honestly, given that even if I had gotten out on time, by the time I made it to him it would only give us two hours of mall time tops, I figured that I would take him next week after they got out of school and maybe I could take him to lunch and really hang out with my son which is something that I haven't gotten a chance to do in a long time. But OMG I mention to my mom that I might need to work late and before I can get to anything else her first question is, "Don't they have anyone else they can call? You are always there." Yes mom, they do have others that they can call. But Sometimes they need someone quickly and if needed I can get there in fifteen minutes. And Yes, mom they do have other people they can call but nine times out of ten I'm not doing anything that can't be rescheduled so I'm a good candidate for call in. I kindly kinda didn't say any of that although I should have. I didn't really get the chance because on the heels of that she launched into "And you don't need to just brush Jojo off like that. You never make time for any of your kids anymore. You always prefer work. I've been more of a mom to your kids than you have in the past two months."
That was over the phone last night. (Or thursday) she has no idea of the hand gestures I made or the faces or the words I mouthed.
Why does she always go straight for the jugular when she isn't getting her way? Why? Even my ex only used that one a few times before he learned how dangerous that was.
On top of matters that probably could have been better in some alternate universe Hooptie's oil leak is now and oil flow. I put it in and she dribbles it out like a two year old. I buy more and put it in... She dribbles it out. Decided not to drive her home tonight because honestly I wasn't sure she'd get there. Had to call mom to come get me. I was still sticking to my plan of calling Jojo and offering to take him out the following week so that we could spend more time together but she decided no, lets all go get Jojo and take him to the mall.
I hate malls. I hate shopping. I hate shopping with my mom. I tolerate shopping with my kids. Going to the mall with my mom and kids... groan.
Keep in mind that it has now been 24 hours since I've eaten anything besides a Starbucks Frappuccino which has long since worn off. A fact that I mentioned to my mom who simply passed it off as "You always do that to yourself. You have no one to blame but you don't ignore your kids because you did something stupid."
That damn jugular again.
My mother has only been in HH once and that's for very good reason. I don't want her in my refuge. However, because of this, she doesn't get to see that some days, there are so many deliveries that if you don't learn to eat on the fly, you don't effing eat. Today was one of those days. I could have stopped at McDonalds to get something I know that, but I wasn't actually hungry and I figured I would grab something for the girls and I to have for dinner after I got off since my mom said she'd take them home around five. That was before discovering the car was now non functional which doesn't really matter because six pm rolled around and she still had them at her house and had fed them. I am not mad that she fed them mind you but...
So I spent the hour at the mall with my son. I had fun. He's a fun guy to hang out with. He's taller than me, stronger than me (So when I say he pulled me around the mall, I mean he pulled me around the mall) and has this Barry White esque voice that people hear and can't believe he's only fifteen. I sorely regretted that we only had an hour but mother must have her way.
When we took him home I mentioned that I should be nice and go in to see my ex mother in law even though I really didn't want to but thought I should be nice. Mom's response. "Just remember that I've had a long day and I'm tired."
I'm sorry, YOU'VE HAD A LONG DAY?!?!?!? I went to be at 2 am, was up at 8 to be at work by 930. I drove pretty much ALL DAY long until about a quarter to six and then had to wait for her to insist that I go to the mall because I was quote "ignoring my children" On the way to the mall I had to listen to her bellyache about my aunt who's moving down here. Because you know, Claudette doesn't have enough issues in her life right now and could always use more to pile onto her empathetic ass.
If you know me you know that I have a hell of a poker face and that face means something is very wrong. Also, if I start to speak in monotone, you should try to move away from me fast. Preferably in a zigzag pattern. Or if you are very brave and can stand the inevitable flow of tears, grab me and hug me tightly until I break.
After 34 year on the planet with me and giving birth to me and raising me, my mother still hasn't figured out how to tell if I'm pissed off. Or, if she has, she totally ignores it.
She also side seat drove. If I was going down a hil and the car sped up, you know like cars tend to do downhill, I got blamed for speeding. If the jerk in front of me slammed on his breaks causing me to do the same to avoid rear ending him, I should have anticipated that he was going to need to stop and not been following so close/stopped way back there/been slowing down so that a abrupt stop wasn't necessary. At one point I was next to someone who guided to the center line so their car was sorta close to me. I moved slightly over so that I was a good safe distance from the person. But I was too close to the edge of the road so just to make me turn my head and take my eyes off a very curvy and heavily trafficked road my mother suddenly grabs the dashboard and braces herself like we're going to crash. Because I was too close to the edge of the road.
I love my mother. I love my kids. But life is getting harder. to deal with now that I'm finally doing something for myself and working.
Let's not go into the fact that I'm sorta dipping my feet into the dating pool. Ssshhh... That's another jugular shot that has been hinted at but not used outright yet. I'm waiting for her to tell me that I'm putting a man ahead of my kids. Please god let her say it in front of someone that can either intervene on my behalf or strong enough to hold me back. Please God. The response she gets might just give her a coronary.
On another note, my ex sister law is moving and one of the places she looked at turns out to be a road less than three miles from my house. Pretty sure that if she's looking to rent a house, she's moving her mother, my xmil in with her. Three Miles from my house. THREE MILES. THREE GODDAM MILES!!!
You know what? right now, I don't know whether to bang my head against a wall until the bad thoughts stop or go down my melatonin and trazodone/ tramadol cocktail with an actual cocktail.
I have to be up for church tomorrow morning. I also need to find a ride to go get my car. My mother waited until I left my car at work to tell me that she won't be able to take me to get my car because she has a meeting directly after church.
So... I'm supposed to take her car home and come back to get her when she's all done at church. At four. When I have plans as early as five that I'm still getting ready for. Yeah no. Just let me strap on my Wonder Woman cape. I got this. I totally got this.
I spent time in an actual padded room when my kids were babies because I couldn't cope with my life and had a minor mental slip up. Regardless of what the memes say, the padded room IS NOT fun. The straightjacket IS NOT fun. Especially if you are a claustrophobic and being unable to move your arms drives you more insane than the thing that landed you in the looney room did. Do you know what they do to people who can't control their mental breakdowns and flip the fuck out? The drug them. And not the daily deal with humans drugs, oh no. They shoot you in the arm, it burns for a second and then you are knocked the fuck out dreaming of unicorns farting rainbows and potpourri clouds that rain skittles. And when you wake up, you have about five seconds of clarity to realize that if you don't want to be knocked the fuck out again you need to control yourself.. And then reality sets in and you try to move your arms and you can't and the whole vicious cycle starts all over again. I spent three days trapped in that cycle before some kind person thought to remove the straightjacket before I woke up so that when I woke up I was able to move and think and appear like I had my head screwed back in the right place.
Sigh. It's still not off my mind but I'm tired. I have eaten for those that were concerned. I braved the 11pm line at McDonalds and got food. I hugged my daughters goodnight. I kissed their foreheads. I told them sweet dreams and they told me that they loved me and called me Mommy. They are above my head, snug in their beds asleep and I am listening to them turn over on their mattresses that squeak slightly when they do.
NO matter how many times my mom goes for the jugular shot about me being a bad mom, I hold onto images like this. I take myself to the late nights when I can go upstairs and tuck them in and kiss their foreheads and whisper that I love them. I remember that every morning they burst into my bedroom and wake me up with hugs and kisses and say "Good morning Mommy!" I hold onto days like Mother's Day when they make me chocolate pop tarts and pour me Mountain dew for breakfast and give me huge gaudy cards that leave glitter everywhere that tell me I'm the BEST mom.
My kids love me. I love my kids.
I am NOT a bad mom.
I might fall down and screw up, but that's what mothers do and better the mom fall down than her child.
I am NOT a bad mom.
I am NOT a bad mom.
Why don't I believe that right now?
Sigh... Stay frosty, Peeps. Tomorrow is June. A whole new month. A whole new beginning.
Three months and sixteen days until my birthday. I might actually be looking forward to turning and admitting I'm 35...
G'night!
