So I posted a blog the other day about being hurt by a friend. It's normal for me to post a blog when I'm thinking about something and need for it to get off my mind. Usually the blogs are about people in my life and I choose to write here on my blog because in my mind it's better than posting it on Facebook for all to see or taking out a page in the daily news for even more people to see. At least this is my reckoning... I might be wrong. Who knows.
Well it seems that the person that the last blog was aimed at actually does, or rather did,(I'm not entirely sure) read my blog. How often I don't know. I mean if you had been a regular reader she would have known that her act of unfriendship hurt me way before it got to this point. If she had been a regular reader, she would have seen that I hit a very low point last year and needed help. But then if she had been a regular reader and didn't bother to even post a keep your head up comment then that would be another act of unfriendship. Do you know what I mean? It's like no matter which way I turn, she was either not being a friend because she knew that I was hurting and still did nothing or not reading and still didn't bother to even text me when she found out she was pregnant. Something I would have been over the moon to hear since the last time was in NJ she was taking pre-natals because they were trying.
Where was I? Oh yeah, she apparently does or did read my blog because she responded by telling me that I was as usual (I kinda need clarification on that but whatever) wrong and not to contact her.
I really don't think she read the whole blog because I haven't tried to contact her. I spent a month looking at her info page because I was blocked from everything else. Then I put a Random hello Thinking about you or some piss on her wall to see if she would even respond. I then waited a week and when it finally sunk in that she wasn't going to respond and that she didn't care I deleted her and I have never tried to contact her again.
Although now that I think of it, I think she might have been one of the people that got the mass Happy Thanksgiving text. Not sure. I know I didn't make the mistake of looping her into the Merry Christmas or Happy New year or Happy Valentines day text. *Shrugs*
But I never tried to contact her. At least not after that very impersonal Thanksgiving text. And yes I admit it was very impersonal but it was the quickest way to wish every one of my contacts a happy turkey day. I don't try to be personal in stuff like that.
I am honest to God confused at how she was hurt at my blog. Had it been written about me by someone I would have at least tried to explain why I cut them out of my life like a cancerous tumor that was infecting my whole body. Hmm... Maybe it was analogies like that which might have pissed her off... Did I put any of those in there? Lemme check...
Hmm. maybe it was when I played the race card. For that I apologize kinda. Not that she'll ever see this but still I kinda apologize because It was sorta unfair. I never came to her face to face with my concerns that I was just the token black friend. So how could she know? I never came to her and told her how on her wedding day her son made me cry because he said something to the effect of Black people always copying each other and so do monkeys and all black people were monkeys or something like that. The whole family laughed because well I guess to them it was funny and I was expected to see the humor in a child's statement but I didn't and it hurt, but I wasn't going to ruin her wedding day with it. I never came right out and told her that 90% of the people she introduced me to as her friends treated me like a canker sore. And that one of the couples in particular saw me in Target one day and upon seeing me whispered to each other pointed at me and promptly turned the other direction. No... Friend's don't point out stuff like that.
I also never stepped up and told her that her basically forgetting about me hurt. But then what friend does? How do you approach someone and say to them, you are treating me like I don't exist and it hurts? And don't say that's how you tell them. I want to know which of any of my readers would go to their best friend of 22 years and say that. No, you would just wait one more day for them to remember that you are on the same planet. And then another. And another. And another until the days roll past and before you know it, five months has rolled past and you find out something that hurts you so bad it's very nearly physical.
But I digress. That's only my feelings. Apparently I was very off on how I felt.
Sigh... It's whatever. I'm still confused but I guess I am terminally to stay that way.
