When my marriage blew up, I cried maybe three real times that I can think of. Three times that the tears meant something. The rest of the time I shouted and I fought and I said some things that shouldn't have ever been said as well as some that should have been said years before. They both earned me an enemy and a friend that come hell or high water has my back for probably the rest of my life.
Hang on, my windows media player thinks that NOW is the best time to play Backstreet Boys' "I'll never break your heart." Really?!?!?!
There is way too much of that on my WMP and thanks to my mom needing a few songs for a disc I'm supposed to make there's a shit load of songs praising god. Sorry, but that is NOT what I need to hear right now.
Where was I? Oh. I fought and shouted when my marriage ended because I felt I had been wronged but in this, I was the one doing the wronging and at the moment, I am doing one hell of a job beating myself up so I guess I am fighting but still...
Like I probably said before the person that got hurt by my blog is not the first person to be hurt. The last person I hurt knowingly however, I didn't want a second chance with. Ironically, it's me not wanting a second chance that won me one as well as a third fourth and so many more chances than I'll ever use.
If you haven't guessed, the last person I knowingly hurt with my blog was my ex husband. And it was him seeing how I felt all spelled out for him that showed him I was hurting and not capable to saying what I said there to his face. I eventually did say those things and many many more to his face but when I finally said them, I wasn't hurting him, I was earning his respect because in his eyes, now I could go out into the world and actually express how I felt to someone else. It was okay for him to cut the final string.
He was soo soo wrong. I still can't tell people how I feel. I just sit and nod and let stuff build up inside until it all comes rushing out in one torrential outburst that comes with casualties.
This time... this time I truly and honestly didn't mean to hurt anyone. I just meant to get certain things off my mind. So if I fight, who else can I fight but myself? Who else can I beat the shit out of but myself? Who else can I scream at but myself?
I'm afraid to sleep. I don't think I've ever been afraid to sleep. Last night I didn't take the trazodone because that keeps me asleep. Instead I tossed and turned all night because that way, there was no chance of dreaming something that would make me cry. The result was that I cried all night anyway but I was awake for it.
I'm not hungry although I know I should eat. I bought a bag of Dove Chocolates as a last minute comfort food that has always worked in the past. (In an "Oh shit, I just ate an entire bag of chocolates." now I have something else to feel guilty about kinda way) But Dove chocolate tastes like sawdust. I cooked tonight. I made chicken tenders, rice and corn. On a normal basis, I can down about six tenders, half a bag of rice (Which equals about a pound), and almost a can of corn on my own. Yeah, I'm a big girl. Do you know what I managed to shove down my throat tonight? Three tenders, three spoonfuls of corn, and not even three spoonfuls of rice.
At least one good thing will come out of this. I'm going to be an absolute stick figure by the time I get my head above water.
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That's number seven tonight by the way. Six went the way of the medji with what I suppose you could call dinner.
You know what, I'm sitting here reading this and thinking about how pathetic I sound. I mean I have my reasons for why I'm so broken up but I'm not going to share those here.
Hopefully the fact that I know that I sound like a pathetic blithering mess right now will make it easier to sleep tonight. I fully planned to take my meds and get a good night's sleep. I have to work tomorrow night and I have to work with the person that I hurt. I really really don't want to spend the night doing stupid things like crying everytime he has to say something to me.
That would be bad.
I am currently trying to plod through my DVR. How to get away with murder (Which has a lot of sodomy in it. Okay maybe that's not the best way to say it but the gay guy has an ENORMOUS amount of sex. On network television. I'm jealous and intrigued and damn proud! Go Gay rights!! Someone is wearing the big ball sack over there!!) is holding me but not holding me. Grey's anatomy, it's ok No one falling in love there. Scandal... I dunno yet. There's always sex.
Little side note... The little notes they put inside of the dove chocolates that are supposed to be encouraging... aren't.
I want to take a bubble bath. No, I want to go to a spa and get someone to rub me down until all of the feeling in my body falls off to the floor. Can someone do that for me?
I need to start rambling again. If I can start rambling again, I can try and get back to who I was.
Hey I haven't cried in about an hour though. Water is not leaking from my eyes but the adverse side of that is that when I stand up, I'm going to have to pee like a racehorse. I won't be getting up anytime soon.
Dunno what time my aunt is going to pick me up for work tomorrow but I have a feeling that if I get good sleep tonight I should be able to power through the rest of season four of The Walking Dead before she gets here.
Right now, I need my bestie, a tub of ice cream, and a string of Lifetime movies. Very little talking, enough crying so that I don't ever cry again. I need my bestie to sit next to me and just say "Yep." when I go off on a tear filled tangent.
Aw fuck, I'm crying again.
I'm going to find something to watch that will make me laugh.
Right after I go pee, Damn water. What is the city putting in this stuff?
