When I began this blog, I originally intended for it to be my own place where I got things off my chest or out of my head. If you know me personally then you would understand why I say out of my head as I tend to overthink things that stay in there too long and when I overthink things, matters grow worse.
I'm not sure when the last time was that I blogged and frankly, I'm too lazy to go back and read (also I tend to get caught up reading my blogs and as I have over 200 that would mean I would never finish this post) but I think I may have still been working at Hungry Howie's the last time I blogged.
I left Howie's in June. Well technically I left Howie's in February but went back a little less than a month later in the end of March. In hindsight, I should not have gone back. I should have kept moving forward but I needed money and I needed to get out of my house.
But here's the thing, I left originally because I got up most mornings and cried because I had to go to work. I hated it there. As much as I loved my boss as a person, because she genuinely is a loving soul that means no one any harm the business practices she had to follow at the whims of the big bosses were less than above board. In the end, I didn't feel appreciated and the pain I was causing myself every day by continuing to roll dough when my doctor had warned me to stop was getting to the place where I couldn't do anything I loved to do with hands because my hands were turning into dead weights at the end of my arms. So I left. I came back hoping to feel different but I didn't. The second time I lasted two and a half months.
And i went to pizza hut. That's where I am now. I like it there. It's run by a huge corporation, not two brothers and their three friends. So when I do something and it doesn't stand out, I never feel unappreciated because I know I am one of a faceless crowd to the bigwigs. My coworkers are for the most part a fun bunch of laid back folks. There's not in house drama that everyone is gossiping about, no one living in another's pockets, no nothing that comes with small business. I also got to work with J again as my boss. Someone who has generally always believed that I could be more than I appear to be.
I am happy where I am. I am happy with what's on my plate.
But as always when I am happy, something has to come along and try to snatch my happiness.
In August, I seem to have pissed off the person that I once called my bestie by not leaving work to go give her a hug when she was down.
It goes deeper than that. She says i walked away from her when she needed me and that I had, in fact, been walking away for awhile.
If that is the truth as she believes it to be, then that is the truth. I had been walking away. I really had.
I know I had. I had started to walk away from a lot of people and situations that made me feel like I wasn't appreciated.
I have to say, the most significant time I felt like I wasn't anyone to her was the night that I handed in my notice to Howie's the first time.
I remember that I could barely drive for the tears rolling down my face. I had just quit my job. I had nothing lined up, no prospects on the horizon and I had quit a job that I was good at because I wasn't happy. What the hell was I going to do? How was I going to support my kids, pay my rent, do anything? So I did what instinct told me to do, I ran to my bestie for comfort.
When i got there a mutual friend was over playing a game with J. The man that I had a crush on for years. Quite honestly, the one man in Charlotte that I have no desire to drink around, the one man that reduced me to stuttering and awkward giggling. I had no desire to have him see me at such a weak point in my life. But bestie, took that opportunity to try once more to make fetch happen. in the midst of one of my freak outs I was told, "You should cry more, He should see you when you're like this."
I mean really? This statement was quickly followed by the seven words I hate most...
"If it makes you feel any better..."
I don't know about coming from anyone else to anyone else, but whenever I heard these words from her, it meant, it's no longer about me, it's about her.
I remember that I left soon after that that night. In my state I was sure that the horrible things running through my head would spill out of my mouth.
Then i further pissed her off when I didn't immediately introduce her to my boyfriend.
yes, I KNOW that technically one should introduce the best friend to the boyfriend nearly immediately but for once I wanted someone to myself and there were circumstances that prevented me from trotting him over to meet her. They had to move and her house was in disarray. My mother taught me growing up that you don't have guests over when your house ins't guest worthy. I couldn't arrange a place for us to meet because she never leaves the house.
I also believe that before the boyfriend meets the friends, he must first meet the people who come foremost in your life. For me this was my children and my mother. When I told her this, she outright said "Screw your mother and the girls! I'm the bestie, I come first." There are a million mean spirited things I could say at this point but the only thing I will say is NO ONE is more important to me than my children and my mother. NO ONE. Not even the man I eventually marry will be more important than the four of them. I can honestly say that it was that moment right there that I decided to stop hiding the fact that I was walking away. That was when my respect was lost.
When the initial break came, I held firm to the belief that this time, i was not going to say I was sorry first. She had called me a bad friend, something that I am not. Something that hurt me so deep I wasn't sure the cut would heal. And then she went on Facebook and made it worse by telling her friends that I was never there for her, that I had ended our friendship because I couldn't be bothered with her anymore.
What about the days that I was scheduled off to take her to the doctor? What about the fac that for three years she lived across the street from the grocery store, well within walking distance, but I had to get up on my mornings and days off to drive three miles to pick her up and take her ACROSS THE STREET??? What about the times that she didn't have food in her fridge and I cleaned out my freezer and or cupboards to give her food? What about the times when she needed bestie time because she was having a bad day and I used my dwindling funds and bought a bottle of something to take over there so that she could have some comfort? What about the pills I was prescribed to help with my pains but shared with her because her doctor refused to give them to her?
But I was a bad friend.
I got so tired of seeing the little barbs against me that I took her from my news feed. She in turn deleted me from Facebook completely.
In the past two months, I have had moments when I wanted so bad to text her or call her to tell her something and even some moments when I want to just say I was sorry fro not giving her the hug but then I realize that she very easily and swiftly cut me like a cancer from her life because she didn't get what she wanted from me.
Sadly, the longer we are estranged the more I think I was never considered a friend by her and that hurts even more than the initial.
I hope she will be the only person cut from my life because I finally have the courage to stand up for myself, but at the same time I fear she won't be the last.
I really sometimes wonder, why is it that people love to be there to commiserate with you but hate to see when you are finally able to stand up and see the sun? Why do I keep falling for people that only want to see me at my worst.
Why can't the world have more people like M and S who are genuinely happy fr em when something good happens as I am for them when something good happens? Why is it that with them I can have actual conversations and we can agree and disagree and no one gets butthurt but with my friend of eight years, one simple refusal to leave my job and go to my boss' house to give her a hug results in eight years turning to ash?
I'm so confused and unfortunately blogging has done nothing to help. But it's two thirty in the morning and I have to drive all day tomorrow... err today so I must needs go to bed.
