Bloggers this started out as one the absolute best mothers Days I have ever had. no, not one of the best, THE best. Maybe topped only by the one I spent pregnant with Jovaughn and got my very first mothers day card. I got a dress, jewelry, a pretty pink bear, and cards that were really nice and best of all, this was the first year that I didn't give them the money to buy my gifts! I didn't fund my own mothers day this year.
As my Facebook status said it all, I was in a tiggertastic, wonderfic, terrifical mood. And yes, I did make up the words because I was just that happy.
Went to church and found out that after I had dressed down to go sit in the nursery like I do on second Sundays that the nursery was closed but that was no big deal I still looked good and the music in church today was freaking banging. I mean it was off the hook and I don't usually say that about church music. But it was slamming...
I got a slight headache towards the middle of church but even that was not a huge deal because our organist has a bit of a me complex and without my earplugs I get the headache. I went outside it was copacetic.
When Church was over we went up to Concord for dinner and bloggers this is where things went wrong. Dinner was good that wasn't the problem. It was at dessert. I don't know what it is about mass dining restaurants like Golden corral and Ryans but something in the chocolate cake always makes Jovaughn's stomach upset. The strange thing, every time we go he gets something chocolate, like he's glutton for punishment. Every time I say something to him and every time he swears he'll be okay and every time he's blows up the bathroom so bad we have to spray air freshener in the OTHER rooms just to be in them.
Well this time, he went up for dessert and came back with a slice of cake so damn big I'd be surprised that there was any left on the serving plate. I told him we go through this every time and this time I wasn't going to do it, that he needed to put it back, I pretended not to notice that he rolled his eyes. He couldn't be that stupid to do that in public... Not my son...
But Mommy came in on the end of the conversation and saw the cake and put her veto on it which is to say I suggested he put the cake back, she Demanded he put the cake back. She then got up to help the girls. Jovaughn managed to slip past me when he got his next plate and when I looked over he was forking TWO chocolate brownies with chocolate frosting on top. Seriously?? He put back triple chocolate cake for double chocolate brownies... Seriously?? I calmly looked over and said he was bringing this on himself and just to be clear I did not have the car tonight and I was not calling an ambulance because his lactose intolerant ass was eating so much milk chocolate. Again my mom came in at the end of the conversation and she called him out. I had refused to call him out aside from telling him I wasn't calling an ambulance because I absolutely refused to ruin my mothers day. I just wouldn't.
You see he has been doing this for almost two years now. Whatever I say goes in one ear and totally out the other. No regard for what I say at all. If I tell him to clean his room, he shoves everything in his closet and goes about his business. If I saw wash your ass, he uses a wet paper towel. If I say put your deodorant on, he put on the minimalist amount and goes about smelling like a heard of elephants that rolled in their own filth. One time he actually smelled so musty we had to roll the windows down in the car. If I remind him to change his underwear he might, but it's a toss up on whether or not he'll put yesterdays underwear on or clean ones. I say take a shower, he wets his arms legs and head with a washcloth while running the shower water so I think he;s taking a shower.
And rightly enough, my mother had enough of the disrespect for me today. He broke that last straw on her back today and she called him on it and that little fucker... yes I said it... rolled his eyes. Well he got called on that too with then caused him to turn on the "I'm so hurt" waterworks.
He cried. Can you believe that?!?!? HE cried. At this point I sent him out of the restaurant cause again. I'm not ruining my mothers day.
We get home and he promptly goes off. I said to him do not come back in here until it's time to come home. I also said do not bring your friends over, because I don't want anyone here. He came in three times for water, one time in an attempt to come home (And sleep as it turns out because he got up at four am to watch a beyblade movie on netflix...) and the final time he came home I said fine and two minutes later his friend shows up. To which i said, no you need to go home. He said he couldn't because his dad just took his mom out to dinner and Jovaughn had told his parents that he could stay at my house till they got back.
I sucked it up only because I didn't want him wandering the streets but as soon as it started turning dark I made him leave.
At eight, Jovaughn asked if he could go to bed. Keep in mind that he smells like the afore mentioned elephants. I told him no he stank and he needed to take a shower.
He rolled his eyes at me.
This time my back broke. I threw the first thing I could find at him with unfortunately for me was a can of frosting. My poor frosting. Then i beat him with my hands since the frosting coing at his head had stunned him long enough for me to catch his ass.
I can't do this. I don't want to send the boy to live with his father because one, I would lose my house because my three bedroom hangs on three kids. Two I would have to fight to get him back and three he treats me now the same way his father did then so how is sending him to the prime example doing a lick of good?
Adding the problems with the boy to the fact that with each passing day I grow lonlier and lonlier makes me soak my pillow with tears every night. I mean it, for the last few weeks, even if I have a good phone conversation and take my melatonin, I still cry myself to sleep. It's a huge weight on me and I don't know how much I can do it.
Forgive me bloggers but sometimes... sometime I just want to wait until they are asleep, pack a bag, lock the door and walk away. I want to just go away and not be mommy. To not have to have eyes rolled at me or to be ignored, or treated like the maid or cook. TO not have to answer asinine questions to just be me. I never got to live my twenties. I was forty by the time I was twenty two. I never got to just have fun without responsiblities.
I want that. God help me, I want that. I want to laugh with someone. I want to go out with someone. I want someone to like me.
Thats what I want. I want a man to like me. I want him to like me after he finds out I have three kids. I want to go out on a date. I even want to go out and get drunk and wake up with someone in my bed. Even if it's a Coyote Ugly morning, I want it.
Enough pity party. I can't let this beat me more than it has. I can't.
Sorry, bloggers. I know I don't come here often as I should and when I do theres always something wrong but I try. I actually intended to come here and tell you about my wonderful day but then it all went wrong. Well not all. I refuse to let this taint the whole day. I refuse.
Le Sigh...
Single and blogging is going to go eat some ice cream and just roll through the tears. They'll come. They always come.
