...is it that the only guys that pay any attention to me are old male versions of cougars? Nothing against them but they make me feel ugly. Guys my age look at me and I don't know what they see, but it's obviously nothing desirable...
Don't mind me, I'm somehow dragging myself kicking and screaming into a funk. God how do I do this tom myself?
Well I know how, I start thinking about my perpetual single state and it's like a free pass to depressionland. I swear it's the biggest theme park I've ever heard of. It's got everything. The hall of realistic mirrors, The roller coaster ride where you get to find out things about your friends via a stalker feed on the side of the facebook you got to keep up with them, oh and let's not forget the dunking booth that's filled with the disenchantment water from Harry Potter and the deathly hallows... I realize that not everyone has seen this movie so basically it's a waterfall that takes away all spells. If you've made yourself believe you're pretty and desirable, this water takes away that illusion and reveals you for the fat frumpy bag you are, or in my case, I am.
Yes, we all love Depressionland. If you buy a season pass it comes with a free xanax prescription.
It would seem that this trip in, I'm living most of my most depressing moments in my dreams. I smile and joke on facebook, but the reality is, I take the mid morning night because I toss and turn at night and yet still manage to wake up with a wet pillow. At first I thought I was just really sweaty but then I realized that the newest ride in Depressionland; Midnight Madness, comes complete with nocturnal unconscious crying.
...Joy...
So yeah, I've reached the point in all this when I'm questioning a lot of decisions I've made in the last few months.
1. Did I really need my nose pierced? I wanted it for so long. I have always thought they looked cool. I still think mine is awesome but I was in Wal-mart today and a little girl said "Mommy, she has a pretty in her nose!" to her mother. The mother looked at me and pulled her daughter closer and told her we don't stare at people like that. I mean WTF? It's not like I had a tattoo suit and piercings coming out of every orifice. Granted that doesn't mean the person under the tats is a bad person but really? A simple nose piercing make me one of those people to others? The whole point of getting it was that for once I was doing something I wanted to do because I had no other reason besides I wanted to. I felt good about making a decision and following through with it. I felt good. Period. Now suddenly, I'm one of those people...
2. The contacts. It's no secret, I really sincerely HATE my brown eyes. I always always have. My dad used to call them beer bottle brown and true to fates way, he said it around his friends and so the name BUD (yes as in Budweiser) has been a constant nickname of mine around those people... and the people they introduce me to when I'm in the same room as them... "Hey remember when your dad called you Bud?" Yes I remember when my dad called me Bud, I was small and tiny and it annoyed me then but I couldn't say anything because I was a child and apparently no matter how old I get I will still be so to you so whats the use of telling you I HATE that effing nickname? I guess you can say the contacts hide Bud.
3. The biggest indecision yet, was instant gratification worth it? I'm not the kind of person that can do that and not feel something. I want to be but then I don't want to be. Ugh!! I'll cry that one out in my dreams. I guess. I can't actually remember some of my night time dreams.
And that's another thing, I can remember most of my mid morning dreams and surprise surprise, we're back to the friends leaving me behind. Not the Charlotte friends or My Sissy. To date, the only person that has been in the mid morning dreams that I actually wanted to see her there was Shelly and that because in every dream she appears in she does the same exact thing... She walks up, looks at the friends leaving me behind, sighs, looks at me, holds out her hand, and says, "You have to pick your heartaches, Claudette, and that is not one you want to dwell on." Go on, ask me what she does after that and I couldn't tell you for crap. She's says the line she helps me up and then poof she's gone. Sometimes it's not the friends dreams, it's something totally different and she says the same thing. This so totally leads me to think that my dreams are being controlled by my subconscious "heart" or wants and desires and neither of them are working with me right now.
I really think it might have been a bad idea to stop taking my depression meds so long ago. Maybe, just maybe the doctor that put me on them had a point. I mean I know that reportedly all military wives are depressed and in need of massive amounts of behavioral medications but maybe I actually needed them... I convinced myself that The problem was Randy and not me. That once I was rid of him on a day to day basis, I didn't need the pills. I think I should have found another doctor and gotten a second opinion of just how mentally deficient I am. Yeah... time to find a doctor. Time to give into my worst fear that I am indeed one of the many masses that actually need uppers and downers.
I hate that expression Fuck my life cause really? Who's life is that bad but damn if I don't want to just down shots of vodka and say it repeatedly right now.
Like Vodka is going to help... Yeah, I'm feeling lower than the dirt that's under the concrete my house sits on so yeah, let's compound that with a super downer... This is why I buy a bottle once every four or five months (except when I'm partying) because I buy it, take one damn drink and then it sits there for months...
Fuck depression. I want to be able to say that outloud but I always stumble over the words. I can write it all day long, but I cannot say them.
Damn damn damn damn damn.
So okay, I'm going to fold the clothes and go lay down. I'm not going to sleep, I actually fear sleep right. Think I am going to watch Phantom of the opera.
Love gone bad then good then bad bad then who the hell cares... LOL
Anyone else notice that my thoughts aren't actually scattered these days...?
