Okay so let's recap the past 18 hours...

So yesterday afternoon as I was going out to my car to go to work, I noticed that I heard water going like a sprinkler left on.  It was hot so I let it go and kept on going.  When I got home last night near ten the water was still going and I assumed that the neighbor with the perpetually green yard must have left his sprinkler on into the night.  Didn't think much of it at all, went in the house to find that BOTH of my girls were taking out their braids...  It was ten at night and they weren't done.  They didn't finish until something close to twelve and I had to relax and dry their hair.  So I didn't go to bed until almost two this morning.

At seven ten, Olivia comes in to wake me and make sure I get up because they have the dentist in about twenty minutes.

We will call that Walking Dead: Level Mom.

Of course this picture was taken AFTER I walked outside to hear the water STILL running but this time noticed that the neighbor in the house just slightly down the hill now had a huge puddle for their yard.  The guy with the perpetually green yard lives one house over from them so for him to flood their yard the house between them should have a lake for a yard as well but they don't.  I walk around my house and realize that it's MY water that has been running for I wanna say at least 16 hours now...  Can't wait to see this bill.  Someone had unscrewed my hose and turned the water on at full blast.  I don't know who and I don't know why but if I ever find out.  As me if the cops will be able to hold me off.

Get the girls to the dentist and surprise they are the first people there.  This never happens.  THe woman says that this week is testing that's why it's dead and I'm one of the few parents with school age children who kept their appointments for today.  I asked the girls when their testing ebgan and they said Tuesday so I'm good.  The woman says to me that she called and reminded me about testing and gave me the option to reschedule.

She called me at 8 am.  How many people do I have to tell that I am not one of those people that's up and At 'em at 8 am.  Having a conversation with me at 8 am will only bite you in the ass.  It won't bite me because I won't remember it and if I was supposed to show up somewhere and you didn't reminds me when you were assured I was coherent, it will bite you.  Trust me that it will never bite me in the ass...

Left the girls to get some food because I was now still only partially awake and my stomach was demanding I feed it.  I went to The McDonald's on Freedom.  Never have I ever been in a more ghetto McD's.  And I have known this place was this ghetto for years now but whatevs...  The woman behind the counter screwed up my order so freaking bad her manager gave me a free sandwich.  This may or may not have been totally because of that since I've known the manager there for about five years now and maybe once every six months she slides me free food when I order.  Whatever.  Then the cashier says to me that she likes my t-shirt (I was wearing the one that says I'm sorry for what I said when I was hungry.  Can be found here.)  BUt just as I'm about to tell her where she can find the tshirt to buy one herself, she says "BUt your boobs are too big to be going without a bra."

It is at this point in the blog that I should point out that I happened into the McD's the one day that Old Men's club had decided to come in and sit ALL ALONG THE BACK WALL for a chat n chew.  no less than 15 old senior men heard her say this since she wasn't exactly quiet.  Also, what appeared to be a Mommy group (Like four young women and a few babies) sitting near the doors.  They all heard this comment.

Sort of wide awake now, I contemplated being the badass New Jersey bitch I really am deep down and giving her about 90% of the anger building inside which was not all her fault but I didn't.  I stared at her.  I may r may not have opened my mouth and closed it a few times but when nothing came out, I just walked away.  Took my food and walked away.  I figure that this was God reaching down and telling me that today was not a good day to go to jail.

Came home and crashed.  Hard.  Got up and went on FB.  One of my friends posted a video of a teacher breaking up a school room fight by taking off his belt and whipping them... View Video here.  I commented and said outright that the teacher was wrong.  As of 2:32 pm on 5-18-15, the comment thread read as such...

The first person called me crazy and the second reply had so many ebonics in it that I'm sure they deserve the beatings they say they got.

Just putting this out there but it's people like this that sometimes make me ashamed to be black because white folks see this shit and they assume ALL blacks talk like this.

As for the teacher, I stick by my guns, I would beat the Hell the Holy and the Future out him for taking off his belt and whipping my child.  End of story.

So this has been my last 18 hours.  I really honestly just want to go back to sleep and make it all neverwas....

I am so very very very over today and it's JUST a quarter to six!

Why?

That's all I want to know.  Just Why?  Why is that when I FINALLY find a happy spot, circumstances have to pull me back down??

So Sunday Morning, my favorite cousin in the entire world passed away.  This was not sudden, it has been expected for awhile.  But still, she was my other mother.  The things a daughter should know that my mother didn't teach me, Floreine did.  And when I didn't learn them fast enough, she whipped me up the stairs.  Yes, you totally read that right, she whipped me up the stairs.  (See I come from a generation that got the bejesus slapped or spanked, or in my case, whipped out of them when they thought they had the right to talk to adults like they were adults when they were still kids.  Today's kids don't know anything about that because now parents get in trouble for smacking, spanking, and whipping... it's called child abuse.  No!  It's call home training and discipline!  Look it up Child protective services!  It's in the freaking Bible.  Spare the rod and spoil the child I.E. Handle that shit while they are young and they won't turn out to be turds as adults!  Sorry... tangent rant...) She was... I mean... they say that cousins are a person's first best friend in life, She was mine.  Part mother, part best friend, all cousin, and all mine.  And she's gone.  She was the one that stood up for me and took my side when I was treated unfairly and believe me I had my fair share of not being treated fairly by the family sometimes.  She was the one that stood by me and said I would get my time to shine and made sure I got it.  She had my back.  She was my Flo Cousin.

So I managed to get Mommy out on the plane yesterday and I was planning to drive out there for the funeral.  Again, this was my Flo Cousin.  I want to be there to say goodbye.  My mother decided that the 15 hour drive would be too much for me.  I don't care.  This is my Flo Cousin.  So Auntie PAt agreed it was too much BUT she offered to fly me out there.  Had it worked perfectly.  I could leave here tomorrow after work and be there by night, get up go to the funeral Thursday and then fly back.  If possible, not even miss work although everyone was cool if I missed Thursday.  My Mom decided, that I would be inconveniencing everyone if I did that.  They are two hours away from the airport so having to drive to get me and bring me to the family then having to drive to take me back the next day.  Looking at putting someone on the road for 8 hours.  Never mind that I could call a cab.  They have flat rates for airports.  Nope, nope, Claudette, you can't go and say goodbye to your favorite cousin because it would be inconvenient for everyone and just to make sure that you understand what I'm saying to you let's throw in "everyone is already down because she's gone, it's not fair to add getting you to the airport to their troubles."

So I'm not going to the funeral.  I'm going to sit here.  I'm going to work.  And on Monday I'm going to pick Mommy up from the airport.

But you want to hear something?  Something HILARIOUS??

Mom didn't want to pay upwards of $175 to kennel her cat for the week she'll be gone so guess who has to leave work in NORTH Charlotte to drive to EAST Charlotte to make sure that the cat has food and water EVERY DAY and scoop out her litter box EVERY DAY (because someone spoils her cat and never let's her crap sit in the litter box for more than 24 hours) and then has to drive home to WEST Charlotte EVERY DAY???  Yeah, me.

So ... in the end, no one gets inconvenienced but me.  The one that is always inconvenienced.   Because yeah... this is how my life works.

And I've held up.  I haven't had my true and real breakdown yet.  I need to.  I really need to.  I have had little cloudbursts where I couldn't hold back the tears but I haven't had the big one yet.  I can't though because I have my kids right now and I hate it when I cry in front of them because they feel like they need to fix it.  No matter what it is, they need to fix it.  You can't fix death.  Even in Harry potter, one of the most magical places ever, you can't fix death.  So no, can't cry in front of the kids.  When I don't have the kids, I'm at work.  Can't cry at work.  Just can't.  Cannot have a complete breakdown at work.  Even if your boss is one of the coolest guys around and one of your best friends who would totally just stand there and hold you while you soaked the hell out of his shirt.  No.  Just can't.  That's work.  Gotta be professional at work.

So I'm not going to get to break.

But I managed to find a place in my mind where I can still function and laugh and joke and be human and this morning my time hop ap on my phone decided to remind me that today was the first anniversary of the day I wen out with John.  Yeah him.  They guy I kinda fucked over but then I really tried to apologize and he treated me like shit and then he went and quit an every single time our paths cross he looks at me like "drop dead in a painful way" because the one time I went to see his roommate I said I didn't want to see him when I should have said the truth was that I can't see him because stupid fucking me still likes him no matter what I do and if he just would smile at me and kiss me again I would so be in his arms and I know this is a stupid horrible run on sentence but I can't help it and yes, I still like him.  I still want him and there's not a damn thing that I can do about it even though when he gives me those drop dead looks a little piece of me dies and spirals away.  Yes, I know I'm a pathetic idiot.  No, I don't know how to fix myself.  If I knew how to fix myself I would.  Do I tell myself I can do so much better than John?  Yes.  Do others tell me I could do som much better than John.  Yes.  Does my brain believe it?  Maybe.  Does my heart?  Hell the fuck no.  If he walked up to me right now and held out his hand and smiled and said "Let's start over." I would hop skip and jump merrily into that trap and never look back.  The fact that I can admit that makes no difference to my heart.  None.

So I went to work and managed to laugh and have a generally good day despite the fact that one year ago today I went out with the man that my heart really does think might have been the love of my life.  It was all good.  Got home and kids hadn't done their chores.  I can deal.  Mother in law texts to ask me if I found a camp for the girls.  I called her (first fucking mistake) And told her no because I don't have custody of them.  Randy does and he's supposed to be taking them to Oklahoma with him because he's to much of a pussy to inform his job that he has ironclad custody of his child during the summer and either they postpone his training or they find a way to send them with him. (Small aside, two years ago, Randy decided that I was a shit mother and he filed with the state and the county to have full time custody of my kids.  He fell through on that but it got put IN WRITING *Which when you put something in writing with the county/state courts, you might as well have chiseled it in stone* that he had custody of them from the day after school ends until two week before school begins.  I am okay with this because for about 90 days, I get to be an adult that doesn't have to worry about getting home to the kids.  I get to actually have a life.)  She says, she thought that I would find a camp and he'd pay for them because he told her that that's what I was going to do wince he can't take with him. (In other words, I have to get up and make sure they get to the camp bus stop and I have to make sure that my work schedule allows for me to pick them up from the bus stop and I have to cook for them and find other stuff for them to do while he gets to spend his days in a classroom and his nights doing whatever the fuck he wants to do. In short, Claudette is still the responsible one that gets to give up the precious little free time she gets... again.)  I told her no.  I legally don't have custody of them.  That Randy does and they if they don't go with him, they will be sitting wherever his new wife Gabby is staring at her all summer because she married him knowing that he had FULL custosy of his kids during the summer.

Insert guilt trip.  Or rather, insert guilt trip attempt.  The only thing that she managed to do was annoy me.  I will not bend on this summer.  He made his bed and now he will lay in it or I will go to the courts and have his custody terminated.

And I am sorry if I sound like a whining little bitch right now but you know what??  I'm tired of being the one that everyone shits on then walks away.  I'm tired.  Plain old fashioned tired.  Why is it that to avoid inconveniencing everyone else I have to bend over backwards, forwards, and sideways?  Why do I have to be the one that takes and takes and takes what everyone else wants to dump on me and deal with it?

What about me?

What. About. ME?

When do I get to say goodbye to my loved ones?  When I get to go out and party without having to come home?  When do I get to meet a guy and have sex with him because I don't have anything or anyone else to think about for that moment in time?  Am I supposed to wait until my last child is over 18 and away at college?  I'm supposed to wait another five years?  Is that how that works?  I'm thirty fucking five and I feel like I'm fifty.  I missed my teens because I had to be the good girl and be with Mommy.  I missed my twenties because I had to be the good Navy wife and good mommy.  Now I'm missing my thirties because I have to be the good daughter and the good single mom.

I seriously just want to run away for a few days.  But I can't.  Because I would be inconveiniencing too many people and that's not what Claudette does.

Claudette needs a fucking lobotomy.

Fuck today.  I'm going to bed.

Oh wait no... I have to go feed the cat.

Fuck.