But I just can't make myself lay down. For the past month or so I have had this recurring dream/nightmare that has either kept my brain awake or woken me from a sound sleep. I shouldn't let it bother me because I know it's not real but the thing is more than a few times when I have dreams so vivid and recurring, parts of them come true.
It's gotten so bad that it's physically manifesting itself on me now. At least I think that it is.
The thing is, I keep having a nightmare that I get shot in the head.
Yes, you read that right. I get shot in the head. Right behind my left ear.
I've had the dream from so many points of view it's almost like watching a crime drama unfold. At first I thought it was a story trying to manifest itself in my mind but when I tried to write the images I saw and things I heard, I started to shake. So violently that I nearly fell out of my chair.
When I see it from my POV, I'm in my car driving on Sugar Creek road just before it turns to Browne road. here in Charlotte. I'm listening to Becky G's Shower and I'm coming around the bend just past Browne's Ferry when I hear a pop followed by the most intense pain I have ever had in my head. Worse than almost any migraine so far and I have had some whoppers. And you would think that that would be where my POV ends, but it doesn't. I'm alive long enough to feel it when my car veers off of the road into a light pole. First I feel the horrible shake on top of the pain in my head and slowly a crushing feeling that comes up from my legs until it merges with the pain in my head and it all goes dark and then boom, I'm awake. Usually in a sweat and more than likely shaking.
When I see it from the shooters POV, and yes I have had that unfortunate happening. He cocks a shot gun and takes aim. I can hear his heartbeat which is eerily calm until he sees the wreckage and realizes that instead of scaring me like I think was his intent, he's more than likely caused serious injury. I'm not sure but I don't even think he realizes I'm dead of that he actually hit me. I never see more than what feels like five minutes. I have also felt like I was me in his brain and I kept on screaming to stop that he was going to hit me and I was going to die but it doesn't matter. He takes aim and shoots.
The most heartbreaking POV is the scariest one of all. I'm nothing. Floating above it all but yet somehow able to move around and see faces. And the face I see scares me so bad.
It's John. And his face just has this look on it that I can only describe and hurt, anger and complete disinterest combined.
A few weeks ago I was making brownies for a coworker and had some an remembered how much his roommate loved my brownies. I called and he said come by. I told him I can't because I don't want to see him. That's what I said. I should have said what I really wanted to say was that seeing him probably would have made me shit my pants because I had had the dream from the nothing POV and my own by then. When I went to take bob the brownies, I already knew that John was the shooter.
Part of me said that I took Bob the brownies hoping to see him to put my fears to rest that he wouldn't look at me with the hate I saw on his face in my dream and I would be okay. What the rest of me was thinking by going over there I don't know. Once I sent the text offering Bob the things I couldn't very well renig....
But then he showed up at work. For reasons I don't care to explain here not that I know all of them but when he walked down the storefronts towards me I froze. To those that had no clue about my nightmare I just looked shell shocked to see a man that I care/d so much about but I froze because of the look on his face. It was the same look. How do you make your body move when you are scared frozen?
I can't do this anymore. I have a constant migraine that spreads from the exact spot that I get shot at. I can't even listen to the song Shower anymore because when she gets to "You light me up inside..." For the last three lunch runs on Wednesday, I have started going down David Cox all the way to Olde Statesville and up to Huntersville because I'm afraid to drive that stretch of road. If I have a delivery that forces me to drive it, I grip the wheel so hard my knuckles turn white and or I speed through there like the devil himself is on my ass. One day I'm going to get pulled over and if he stops me right there...
It's bullshit. I'm mad and scared out of my mind in every conceivable way and blogging about it is my last ditch attempt at making it go away. It fucking sucks that I have no one to talk to that won't look at me like I'm nuts and tell me to grow up or to just let it go. If it was that easy to let it go, don't they think I would have??? If it was that easy to admit it was a dream and move on doesn't reason say I should have done so by now??? So far I've made myself say out loud that it's a dream. I have managed not to show that driving that stretch is affecting me that bad. I've managed to stay talkative and pretend like nothing is wrong but with me getting little to no and broken sleep, I'm pretty sure that my cracking up is imminent.
Have you ever felt like a porcelain doll with a milion crack already on your face and you realize that it's only a matter of time before everything just falls apart? I've become that doll. At this point, I'm waiting for everyone else to see the cracks. That or just waiting for the day when I shatter.
Sit. Worry. Wait. Sit. Worry. Wait.
Well, the sleeping pills I've take for tonight are starting to kick in. Maybe I can manage to stay asleep for more than two hours a click this time.
Please God make this go away. At the risk of never having another original thought in my head again, just make it all stop. The voices, the images, the vivid dreams. I would trade it ALL away for five moments of boring sanity.
Just five minutes.
