I might as well put out that warning now. I'm not in a good mood, this WILL be one of those woe is me posts, and please don't respond or comment with inspirational sayings or "Advice" because at this point I don't think I need it. More to the point, I don't want it.
I have come to the sad very sad conclusion that I am not meant to be romantically happy in this life. It sounds really fucked up but I honest to God believe it now. I thought it before, but now I believe it. I really think that my one chance at happiness was my fucked up marriage and I ruined it.
And You're probably sitting there and thinking "WTF is she smoking" to make me say that but here are a few fun facts about me.
After Randy and I split up, I didn't give time to anyone else until we were officially divorced. NOt that I actually wanted to because at the time I realized I needed to work on me and not work on another we, you know. I kept my head down, I raised my kids and I went on with life like nothing huge was happening because let's face it, nothing huge was happening. Towards the end of my penance in New Jersey I had a crush on a guy named Brent. I have to say, for the first time liking a guy since my husband it hit me hard but a couple of things were against me. First off, I was color blind, he was not. If you don't get that, I can't help you. Second off, the mutual friends we did have were trying to hook him up with someone else which for awhile made me feel like chopped fucking liver but I got over it. Right around the time I realized he was not colorblind.
So then I moved to NC and for a solid year, I did nothing, saw no one, and didn't have the chance to develop any attractions. I lived and let live.
About a year into my time here, my bff set me up with a night of fun. That was all he was supposed to be. I knew this and went into it willingly. I wanted to, hell my body needed to, so I did it but then a strange thing happened. He wanted my phone number and crap and he actually texted me and paid attention to me. We went on two date and slept together a couple of times before he just dropped from the face of the earth. Didn't stop me from obsessing over him for a good bit. And honestly, I know for a fact that it wasn't him I was obsessing over, it was the sex. For the first time ever, I actually enjoyed sex. For the first time ever, I orgasmed. In ten years of marriage, I never truly got to do that. I could fake like I got to do that like a porn star but I never actually got to do that. Anyway, I was caught up on him for a long time before my friend suggested that nother guy and I would be good together.
He actually was a good guy. A little self absorbed and a bit of a pompous know it all at time but he was a nice guy and Momma always said that sometimes you have to overlook a few bad habits when you are with someone special. We did go out once but it kinda fell in the category of hanging out with a friend. At the end of the night, he sat in the car and told me that his cats got out before he left home and he had to go let them in. End of outing. A few weeks later I got an attack of bold and actually asked him if he was ever going to ask me out because to be honest, we were walking that path... the pre date "I'm-gonna-ask-you-out-someday-just-wait-for-it" path But the answer I got was something along the lines of I was a disorganized homebody who didn't enjoy the outdoors so no, he was never going to ask me out. I'm not even going to get into how many ways he was wrong on his assumption but the fact was that it was an insult and it hit home so end of that attraction. Do I still find him attractive? Yes. If he realized he was a pompous ass who insulted me without giving anything a try and asked me out anyway, would I say yes? I might go camping or hiking with him put off any romantic connotations that came up and make it clear that I saw him as a friend because I honestly do see him in the friend light now.
So everyone said get a job and get out of the house and I would meet someone and I would have fun. For those people I have two words: Thank you. I did get out of the house and get a job and I am having the time of my life.
But on the first day at my new job, I turned around and I saw HIM and suddenly I was back in high school with a whole new twist. He was fine and he had a smile that made me see stars. He had a voice that sounded like Barry wife and sent shivers up my spine. And all the air sucked out of the room and it was impossible to convert air into carbon monoxide. Dude I was hooked. So after a few conversation I got another attack of bold and I asked him out. He said yes. We went out and had fun and at the end of the night he kissed me. A real kiss. One that still sends tremors to my belly and it's been a couple of weeks. But here's the thing, everytime we try to plan something something happens. I'm starting to think that it's fate trying to tell me, "No, you don't get to be happy. You had your chance and you screwed it up. No love for you! Love Nazi!" (If you don't get that, you aren't old enough to read this blog. Turn around and go back home to Mommy right now). I can't help it, but that's the way I feel.
And I have calmed myself down enough to realize that by thinking this way I am shooting myself in the foot by giving up so quickly. In reality, blogging out a little of my frustration has convinced me that I am doing just that and to take a step back to let it develop as it wants to. It's like that song. You can't hurry Love, you just have to wait. So I will wait and let whatever is going to happen, happen.
See, I started this blog all crying and angry and Now I'm not so upset. Blogging helps.
Gonna sign off now and go read. I started The Mortal instruments, City of Bones and it's really good. Stay frosty peeps!!
