...So for awhile nothing new huh? Well there were some new developments but that's been developed and done. I hung that picture on the wall and have stared at it so much I broke it, ha ha.
I make jokes but in a way it kinda hurts.. But then I always make jokes to make the pain ebb.
So for a hot second I had some lovin' in my life. Doesn't matter who I did or didn't tell. It's a ghost matter right now.
The problem is, I'm not sure that it was ever meant to be anything long term or what. I've only dated Randy so uh... kinda fuzzy on relationships and the mechanics. Whatever. I've got one problem. I've got this feeling that keep nagging at me...
Yeah, have no clue what the feeling is. It's actually kind of annoying, really. IDK I mean, I keep my phone fully charged like night and damn day in case he texts and I get this happy jumpy and lemme tell ya, horribly annoying feeling in my stomach when he does. If I am in another room and have actually let my newest body part stay in my bedroom or where ever for more than five minutes, I practically have phantom limb syndrome. But at the same time, I'm pretty sure it's now just a friendship and well... Can I say I feel like it just might be slowly killing me.
Okay that is a very grandiose exaggeration of it but you understand. That flowery, sickeningly happy jumpy feeling in my stomach becomes a steel toed boot that's kicking hard. Here's the odd thing. I could say this is all one horrible crush but it's not kicking my heart, it's kicking my lungs.
I mean, WTF?? Someone wanna enlighten the girl who is new to this world of having a guy actually talk to her? I mean I should take what I can get and run with it. Right?? Am I right??
Good freaking Lord. the feeling is annoying. What the feeling turns into is annoying. the fact that I am living this but have no clue what it is annoying.
And OMG my air conditioner is freezing me to death, hang on I'm going to turn it down... Okay back...brrr...
So in high school I had major massive crushes that took hold and regardless of the fact that he, whoever he was that year was either clueless or fully aware of my *love* (and I use that term so very loosely you'd swear I had butter in my hands) I held on relentlessly. Freshman year of high school there were two. The trumpet and the drummer... Oooh the drummer... sorry flashback. Sophomore year was the saxophone and the trumpet player. No flashbacks there. Junior year... hmmm... obviously he was forgettable whoever he was and senior year... now that was a landmark year. I set my little heart so high on the social ladder I couldn't even see it anymore. I *loved* two of the classes biggest socialites. That year they both knew. I know this for a fact. One of them even thanked me for the tons of secret admirer cards I stuck in his locker in my yearbook....yeah...
See? I have no clue how to handle anything with the opposite sex. You guys!! Help!! I feel a serious repeat of high school happening and I feel like I'm on that runaway train that you see in stupid old comedies where they try to hit the brake and it pops off and then they try the anchor and the chain breaks and they keep careening down the hill...
Yeah okay, now I'm blathering. Sorry but you know I tend to do that when I'm picturing the tremendous wreck that's going to happen.
Oh yeah, another hilarious anecdote. About three weeks ago, I had a major and I mean MAJOR mental breakdown and almost called him (Gasp) to tell him that once my kids came home we'd be done. No shit I did. My two besties in like the world quashed that one in the ass. Really quashed. I had convinced myself that I'm not worth the time it would have taken to be with me. Funny huh? For once my insecurities might have actually saved my ass but I'm going to have to wait until Cupid puts me at the top of a mountain with a rail car and no brakes to find out. of course seeing whats happened, my besties are probably going to let me tank that one and it will be the worst thing I ever do and I will be mad that I followed my instincts.
Frack!! Why can't life come with a manual? Why must everything be so damn difficult? I'm pretty sure I asked that awhile ago in another post.
So tonight I'm not going to stay on the computer all night. I'm actually going to do what I need to do and then go read in bed and call it a virtual night. I have church tomorrow and I am determined to stay awake this Sunday.
I still want to scream obscenities...
Okay. Good night my loves. Happy blogging and happy living. More scattered thoughts from a highly unorganized mind later!!
