No one has ever asked me my name...

And the bad part is I’m not sure I have one.  From the beginning I began to answer to Dette and I guess that became my name but to be honest I want something more exotic.  Nothing stupidly exotic but something that differentiates me from Claudette because I am not her.

No matter whether you believe we are two different people or not, I honestly don’t give a rats ass but just don’t confuse us.  I will answer to Dette if it will make everyone feel more comfortable but I’m pretty sure that’s not my name.

I should probably figure out a name for myself.

Hmmmm

I’m back, bitches!

So Claudette posted about us last night.

Cool cool.
But I’m here and I think I’m gonna stay for awhile.  They seem to love abusing Claudette if there at the hut so let’s see if they can take a little bit of their own medicine.
Fuck this.  Fuck them.  This head Nigga Bitch is in Complete Control and there ain’t nothing they can do about it.
I’m about to be like Slim Shady up in the Bitch...

"Guess who’s back!  Guess who’s back?? Guess who’s back‽?"

Multiple personalities

So it’s not super widely known that I do actually have dissociative identity disorder.  I was diagnosed years ago.  Nearly twenty years ago.  I don’t take medication to keep them split because for the longest time it wasn’t needed.

There’s only two of us.  Claudette and Dette.  At least I think her name is Dette.  To be honest I never asked.  For all I know her name could be Beatrice or some shit but Dette is what she answers to apparently.  Besides I can’t see a badass like her having a name like Beatrice.  Not that I have anything against that name.

In the past the way to tell us apart was Dette wore braids.  I did not.  This started in high school.  Those of you that might be reading this and actually have known me since high school, think about it.  When there were braids in my head did I not say things that should have been filtered?  Did I not have a backbone?  Now think about when I was wearing the hair that God gave me.  I was quieter, I held my tongue, I followed the crowd.

Claudette is who Randy met in college but unbeknownst to him he was soon sleeping with Dette.
Dette likes sex, by the way.  Claudette could take it or leave it, it doesn’t really matter.  Being raped has that affect.  Like I’m totally good with everything that comes BEFORE the actual act of coitus but the actual act.... mmmm could we maybe not?  Dette on the other hand, loves everything about sex.  The before, the mad rush during it, the wanting to do it again five freaking seconds later.  Do you know what it’s like waking up the morning after Dette has been out to play and actually having a hicky on your neck or a handprint on your ass sir rug burns?  Damn she and randy used to have fun and sometime during the night Dette would curl up to sleep and when I woke up that shit hurt.  Or why did I wake up naked when I KNOW I went to bed in a Shirt?  And Dette breaks vibrators.  I kid you not she buys and plays with those things so damn hard she snaps them.  Five in the last few years.  Like, babe... we share a bank account... can you not??

Shit sharing a body with her, so... so...

I can’t say annoying because she’s done some good shit.  She’s cussed out people with her mouth that I only cuss out in my head.

It’s harder to tell is Dette is out now a days because we no longer get braids.  We have dreads.  I mean I suppose if there’s a tell, it’s that I like my locks up,  she’s always liked hair swinging in her face.
Too many therapists have told me that she and I exist in a more controlled pattern than most people with did.  They say that most people don’t always know the comings and goings of the other but I can see and hear everything she does and she can hear and see verything I do because more than once I will be trying to handle a situation and a small voice says "let me out I can handle this!" I’m usually her little voice saying "it’s enough... he’s already pissed his pants what else do you want?"
She currently not happy because we are having stomach issues and she can’t gorge on whatever she wants to shove down our face.  I’m willing to bet that since we share a body she feels the exact same dibilitating pain that I do when we’re trying to pass food though whatever obstruction is down there.
For the moment I’m in control but we have a meeting with our boss’s boss on Monday.  Let’s hope Dette stays in and we still have a job.

We also have a date next Sunday.  What the fork?  We date now?  Part of me hopes she come out for that one, because me, Claudette m, has about the same social skills as a frightened rabbit...but the rest of me hopes she doesn’t because she’ll probably rip that poor boy in half with her antics and probably jump him.

Also we like two totally different types of guys.  I like white guys.  She likes black guys.
Awkward...

I am officially working for the hut for free.  I past fifty hours three hours before my shift ended today so Monday is all gratis!  Let’s see what time I show up for inventory...
Well Kay was awesome enough to make me soup for dinner.  We’re in clearing liquids yep foods for the next few days.  Fun.

Time to enjoy my night.  I don’t have to get up at any specific time tomorrow so yay!!!


Ciao Bellas Mi Amore

Jersey...

So Mary Beth and I drive up yesterday.  I kept her awake and she kept me awake and by ten thirty us old ladies were snug as bugs in rungs in bed.

Today was the band reunion and god I love coming up here for that.  I wish I’d come the first year but yay!! Mr. Mac was able to come this year!!!! I hope he never does write that book of Claudette Stories because of almost anyone on this earth... he might have as many as my mom if not maybe more.

Then I got to go to the shore.  My excuse was I wanted to show Mary Beth the shire but let’s be honest... it’s not a full trip if I don’t stick my toes in the sand and let the water rush over them and give me a homesickgasm.

Like literally, every year I think about if I could come back to live.  Could I live at the jersey shore again?  And I com to the conclusion, every year, that no.  I love my classmates and my friends from here and yes I miss the ocean like a fat kid standing outside of a closed bakery but the list of people is miss in North Carolina grows every day.  I don’t even think about moving to England in my dotage.  

I’m a New Jersey girl living in a North Carolina world and I might Bitch and moan but I love it.  I love it all.  And now that I got my garden the little country girl in me is so satisfied she purring.  

We check out tomorrow and take mommy and friend to Atlantic City for the day and depending on what time we get back from that I may or may not let my mom talk/ nag me into staying the night in her room and driving back Monday or I might just hit the road because I’m pretty sure traffic will be lighter during the evening hours and the DC triangle might not be so hellish.  Omg we spent maybe 80% of the drive up sitting still or going so damn slowly we might as well have been sitting still.

So if any of my jersey friends read my blog, I love you I really do and I always will... insert Whitney Houston Gif here... I won’t be moving back here.  I’ll visit you often, probably every year from here on out, but won’t be moving back.

I miss North Carolina.

I don’t think I’ve ever said that before.

I can’t wait to get home.

CIA, Bellas!!!

Sexual frustration

May not be good for my psyche but I can tell you one thing it is good for.  A dirty Pizza Hut.

I have been cleaning non stop for like three days.  First my living room then last night after work my bathroom and bedroom and today I seem to have a personal vengeance against dirt and oil buildup in this hut.  

But it looks good.  I’m earning my vacation.  I can tell you that much.

I would post pictures but that’s against policy so....

Back to it I go!

Ciao Bellas!!

Am I allowed

To call white people ghetto?? 

I honestly don’t know.  I mean white people aren’t allowed to call black people N*ggers without permission from black people and really not even then so I need to know, as a black person, can I call a white person ghetto?

The Sports Clips next door to us has this stylist; and I use the term lightly because if she styles like she dresses and does her own hair, her clientele is doomed; named Brittney.  When she called to place her order she was snotty.  When she came in to pick up her order she was snotty.  Like there was not a point at all when she wasn’t acting like a bitch. And not a normal "can I speak to your manager" bitch but a bitch that I really really really wanted to throat punch Bitch.  She says "oh and I want a drink." She has it hidden so I didn’t know she’d already gotten the drink.  She’d ordered off the five dollar menu so I asked her if she wanted the four drinks for five dollars or did she want a two liter.  "Why the fuck would I want four drinks? What are you talking about?" And she holds up the small mt dew.  So I charger her for that and she’s pissed because it’s two bucks.  She throws singles at me like she’s a stripper and after I cash it out she says "Oh and I need a ranch"  so I inform her that they are seventy cents extra.  Oh she snapped that last bra buckle holding in for dear life at that!  How dare I charge her!  They never charge her!  She wants my district managers number! When I wouldn’t give her that she said I shouldn’t worry she’d call corporate.  

You all would be proud of me... I smiled and told her to have a nice day.  She responded with I hope yours is as nice as your attitude.  Considering I stood there with a smile on my face and in my voice that means my day is gonna be awesome!  Yay!  So nice of her to wish me such a good day!!

Sigh... another day another slice of pizza.

Mornings in Charlotte

Stink.

I’m serious.  Have you ever rolled down 485 with your windows open? It freaking stinks.

And that was my first actual thought AFTER caffeine.

You guys don’t know I had fifty shades of kinky fuckery dreams last night and woke up in a surprisingly good mood despite falling out of my bed when my alarm rang because I couldn’t disentangle myself from my sheets.

Then I made the mistake of eating a croissant from Starbucks and that forker is fighting back hard this morning.  Don’t think I’ll get around to eating then second one if the first one fights this hard.  I seriously should schedule another appointment with the doc and mayb this time I won’t be in crying pain so he’ll focus on that issue.  Last appointment he pressed on the already hurting tummy and it sent me into tears and fetal positions so he fixed that issue and I so don’t totally blame him.  

But back to the issue at hand.  The highway seriously stinks and maybe it’s because it’s hot and all that dirt and sugaw creek is heating up but damn.  

Hah, you thought I was gonna run with the kinky fuckery dreams didn’t you?  Yeah, no.  The things that I saw in my dreams last night will not make working today easy.  Like at all.

Although I must say they’re getting more vivid. Right before Nelly screamed "So hot in here!" This morning at seven twenty, I could have sworn on a stack of bibles that the were lips on my nipples and a hand between my legs.

Damn... I need to end this.  Where is my government issued XXXXXX because goddamn I’m about at my limit.  

Question to any readers... what’s your stance on hickeys?  I like them.  Only ever had one but I liked it.  It was a visual reminder of what I’d done the night before...

Mmmmm visions 

Dammit!

Well... today is gonna be fun...

Can’t wait for this weekend

Normally I don’t say anything about my trips because one I don’t want to get robbed and two I KNOW I’m not going to have enough time to see everyone and I don’t want to disappoint anyone but damn if I’m not looking forward to my trip to New Jersey this weekend.  I need this.  

I’m tired y’all.  Like nine and soul tired.  And the body is no longer willing to work with me.  

I think I have an intestinal blockage because when I eat something... anything, it takes maybe four or five days to get through whatever is blocking the works down there just to come out the other end.  In my life I have never gone this long without being able to poop.  I used to be an everyday maybe couple times a day pooper but now I’m lucky if I can poop every four or five days and lord a mercy does this hurt.  Like a bring me to my knees hurt.  I’m afraid to eat.  My clothes are falling off of me because I’m losing weight because I know if I eat it’s going to get backed up and it’s going to hurt so I don’t eat.

Can I just get a new body?  Maybe one with slightly bigger boobs and a slightly smaller ass?  Maybe one with real working parts that don’t grow tumors and cause me pain.  And it’s not an all day every day pain it’s a random you’ve eaten now face the consetwondays later pain.

Getting old sucks.  I honestly don’t see how people live into their nineties dealing with their bodies crapping out on them.  Fork this!  I’m not going through another fifty years of this...

And before anyone comments, not that anyone ever does comment on the page, I have mentioned it to the doctor.  He thinks it’s diverticulitis or locis which I guess would be the chronic version of it.  And he gives me pills.  And days of work.  At what point is he going to do something other than throw pills at me.  Pills which, by the way, get caught up in the blockage and don’t help push anything through.

Maybe I should start seeking another doctor...

Hmmmm....

So I’m already screwing shit up

So without warning or explaination, two of my shift leaders decided fork this and walked away.  One of them had the thought to tell me she wished I had become the gm earlier and she probably wouldn’t have left but here’s the thing.  I worked a whole day with her and she never once said she was leaving.  I’m pretty sure she even still has her key.  

Then I thought I had an opening manager here this morning but apparently I didn’t do guess who’s working a double?  Yeah me.

I’m going to need to have a staff meeting because one I need to meet everyone and find out when they are available to work because the last gm basically told them when they were to work and would brook no questions about it. Fork that.

I can’t say I’m coming in here trying to be people’s friends but at the same time I’m not coming in here trying to be the whip snapper either but I think I’m going to have to. 

I havent quote gotten back to the I wanna go home phase but I’m getting there...

So I fucked up...

I spent most of the day watching Fifty Shades of Kinky Fuckery... or Fifty shades of Grey to everyone else.

Yeah bad idea.  Just reminded me of ho horney I am. Like there should be a legal limit as to how sex deprived one person is allowed to be before the government steps in and says "okay, it’s been long enough.  Here’s XXXXXXX he’s going to reset your limit."  Also don’t try to sit there and decode the x’s yall... they’re literally JUST x’s.

So Anna got her fair share of sex in three books and three movies.  Hell she got her share, my share, your share, and all the shares floating out there.

I wonder does that life actually exist?  I’m not stupid yes I know BDSM exists but even at some point I’m sure the kingpin or BDSM was going "Daaaaaaaayum"

I’m a simple woman.  I am also a romantic but baring that I’d take a little gentleness from whoever XXXXXXXXX turned out to be.

I think we’d start with a heavy makeout session.  The kind where your both breathless at the end but so very very ready to just run to the next base?  By this point he should have the bra off and my girls should be standing at attention.  Now at this point he can lay me down or stand me up but if he’s standing me up, he’s coming from behind.  Kissing the neck while hand one works lady A (no... I don’t have name for the girls) and the other hand needs to be working its way into my drawers.  And this does not stop until I’m grinding on his hand so hard.... mmmm

Now if he’s laid me down he’s obviously not coming from behind. He’s going straight for lips on nipples. Tug them bite them suck them like you are getting angel milk from them. Flip you tongue back and forth. When he’s spent copious most of time there then he can with work his way down mouth wise or work the hands.  Tbh I prefer he uses both.

I’m not an easy person to make cum but when you achieve it, you know it.  Finger me,  get those digits up there, find the g spot.  I assure you I do have one and it’s been tapped once before.  Now here’s the important part while your fingers are working, his tongue should be introducing itself to my clit.  Suck her lick her DO NOT THUMB HER.  Seriously no woman in the history of women wants your thumb there guys.  Yes we know the thumb is convienient but no.  He’s clumsy.

At this point my government issued XXXXXXXX should have seriously cramped or broken finger because if he’s followed the guide I have cum and I should have cum hard.

And it’s not over yet boys.  I give decent bj’s. If I get to a point and you can’t take anymore, Pull my hair flip me over in all four nd go for it.  If you have the dexterity to reach around and play with clitty again please do.  You can also spark me.  Make it rough.  Make every yes that escapes my lips sound like you stole it from that gap where my uterus and cervix used to be.

If Anna had gotten a little of what I just described as my perfect night of sex I think she would have been just as happy.  

So tell me, what’s your perfect night like?