I don't know. Maybe I need to get laid and then I will stop being overly emotional. Maybe if I release whatever it is that released when you get some, I will regain my ability to be a level headed person again.
I want to scream one thousand cusses right now into the wind and not stop until I have no breath left in my body. Why must men be so damned infuriating? They are forever complaining that they don't understand women but the truth is, we're not the hard ones to figure out. Men are WAY more complex than women are.
I want so bad for this not to be another blog about how my ex is pissing me off. There's about a hundred of those running through my mind right now and I need to deal with that. There's a lot of crap running around my brain right now but I can't put it here because like shitting in the wind, it'll come back and land right in my face. I know it will.
I'm sitting here fighting off tears because life is so hard right now. There are so many demand on my time and not very many of them are mine. This past Saturday was probably the most fun I have had in months because I got to do something for me. It'll be a cold day in Neverland before that happens again.
I had two things that I wanted to do this month. Just two. I wanted to go see Thor and I wanted to go see The hunger Games. I've missed my chance with Thor. And I can already tell I'm not going to get to see the Hunger Games. At least not on opening day. I did get Saturday and I had hella fun but think about it. I had two small things that I wanted to do for me this month and they have to go out of the window in favor of someone else's plans.
I got some disheartening news yesterday about something that's had me questioning a few things. One of them being should I have ever left New Jersey. Sometimes I'm not so sure. My son doesn't love me enough to pretend I exist unless it's a blue moon. So that's the same as when I was there. My love life is about the same. No one gave a damn about me in the dating circle in NJ and No one give a damn about me here. My friends still love me no matter where I go so there's that.
Sigh... I'm just so tired of being treated like everyone doormat. So tired of being treated like I don't matter unless I'm needed. So tired... So freaking tired.
I'm turning into a used up, dried up old prune and no one seems to care. I'm screaming out for just a little relief and everyone is so busy with what they need from me or want from me or can get from me that no one hears me.
I'm 34 years old and I feel like I'm 50+. I can honestly see why no man wants me. What man my age wants someone who is so old in the inside?
I can't have any more kids. At least not naturally and sometimes I'm not sure if I want to do it again at this stage in the game. Five years ago when I was still 29 maybe. I have 6 years, one month and two days until my youngest is 18. I have hit the home stretch and everyone says I'm going to have empty nest syndrome like crazy but I don't think I will. In six years, one month and two days from today's date this will be absolutely nothing holding me to this spot and... and... and...
I'm still going to be sitting right here being the good girl, making no waves, making no loud noises, hoping that someone will come along and notice me. Sitting here in my polished shoes, and pretty white pinafore dress with my hair done up really nicely, wearing a big smile. That'll be me.
Oh, my dad is in the hospital again. Not good.
We may not have always gotten along, but god, I don't want to lose my Daddy. I'm not ready to lose my Daddy...
...
Sunday, November 17, 2013
Don't sweat the petty things...
Pet the sweaty things...
I always hear people say that and I get it but I don't. I care but I don't.
You know, I used to pride myself that for awhile, I had the kind of relationship with my ex-husband that many divorced people wished they had. We talked, we hashed out problems with little to know ripples, we so parented with a finesse that made supernanny look like a novice.
But ever since he's moved here, I find that all I want to do is rip his head off and shove it up his ass. On a daily basis. Well maybe not a daily basis but at the very least on a weekly basis.
I mean, I don't pretend that I am a mild mannered person. I couldn't pull off that lie if you paid me a million dollars and got me high on Godiva chocolates. At best most days I pull off civilized with a very convincing flair. But he pushes buttons in me that only someone that I lived with for so long can push and I wish to everything holy that I could reprogram those buttons so that he can't find the combination that makes me go off like Mt. St. Helens.
This weekend we had a plan. He kept both of the girl Friday night because he wanted to have a B-day party for Kay. That was fine but Saturday he was supposed to drop Kay off at my moms and keep Liv. It was part two of Kay's birthday celebration with my mom. She bought her her favorite Microwave pizza and a small Ben and Jerry's ice cream and they were going to stay up and have a girls night.
About ten last night, my son Facebook messages me and I asked him if Kay was still there and he said yes. The answer I was expecting was no, she left awhile ago. But no she was there. So I called my ex and asked him why she was still at his house when he was supposed to have dropped her off hours before. His answer was that when he got to the house to pick her up, she was still in her pajamas and hadn't washed up. So he left her there and went back to work. But here's the thing, he fixes ATM's on site so when he went to work it was over an hour or two away. Now most people would have just put her pajama clad behind in the car and taken her over to her grandmother's house because it was a promised thing. But no, not him. Didn't think like that.
There's not to say that there's not fault to Kay in this. Although I'm not sure that he even told her what time he would be back for her, hence why she was still in her pjs... When I have to pick Kay up at a certain time I say that I need her dressed by a certain time and when I get there, she is dressed. We have no problems. I don't know what if anything he told her but I know she wasn't dressed.
Why does this annoy me so much? Because my mother went out of her way to get stuff that Kay likes so that she would have a good time and he called her at seven to tell her that it would be eleven before he got to her. Kay goes to bed on the weekends at eleven. So she would have had no free time at Mom's because it would have been time for bed as soon as she got there. He knows this.
Another thing that annoys me is that he has no respect for bedtimes in general. When he returns them on Sunday night's it's always after nine pm. Nine and nine thirty are their bedtimes Sunday through Thursday. This is not a secret. I say it every week. We've been doing it so long that the girls actually get tired around these times. But he repeatedly drops them off around ten.
IT makes me want to scream. I swear I am reaching my end.
He also, and this is perhaps the most heinous of the things he does just to annoy me, brings her to my house. The girlfriend. She still has whatever he beef is with me leftover from when I blasted her on Facebook about not giving a crap about the other children in the household and not even stopping to see if they look okay before dragging them out of the house. She acts like I'm loosing sleep over her not liking me and I need her to understand it's not my place in the world to like her. I could probably give a half a rat's ass if she doesn't like me, really. I just want for my girls to be cared for when they are in her care and since they only go over there on the weekends and he works on the weekends, those weekends when she isn't at work, she's caring for my kids. But since she has this thing, I have requested a few times that he not bring her to my house. Not even to sit in the driveway. I have the right to request that. Yet he continually acts like if he just happens to have her in the car, I'm going to be okay with it.
I can't wait until we go to court for this whole custody thing. I need to go to court.
I always hear people say that and I get it but I don't. I care but I don't.
You know, I used to pride myself that for awhile, I had the kind of relationship with my ex-husband that many divorced people wished they had. We talked, we hashed out problems with little to know ripples, we so parented with a finesse that made supernanny look like a novice.
But ever since he's moved here, I find that all I want to do is rip his head off and shove it up his ass. On a daily basis. Well maybe not a daily basis but at the very least on a weekly basis.
I mean, I don't pretend that I am a mild mannered person. I couldn't pull off that lie if you paid me a million dollars and got me high on Godiva chocolates. At best most days I pull off civilized with a very convincing flair. But he pushes buttons in me that only someone that I lived with for so long can push and I wish to everything holy that I could reprogram those buttons so that he can't find the combination that makes me go off like Mt. St. Helens.
This weekend we had a plan. He kept both of the girl Friday night because he wanted to have a B-day party for Kay. That was fine but Saturday he was supposed to drop Kay off at my moms and keep Liv. It was part two of Kay's birthday celebration with my mom. She bought her her favorite Microwave pizza and a small Ben and Jerry's ice cream and they were going to stay up and have a girls night.
About ten last night, my son Facebook messages me and I asked him if Kay was still there and he said yes. The answer I was expecting was no, she left awhile ago. But no she was there. So I called my ex and asked him why she was still at his house when he was supposed to have dropped her off hours before. His answer was that when he got to the house to pick her up, she was still in her pajamas and hadn't washed up. So he left her there and went back to work. But here's the thing, he fixes ATM's on site so when he went to work it was over an hour or two away. Now most people would have just put her pajama clad behind in the car and taken her over to her grandmother's house because it was a promised thing. But no, not him. Didn't think like that.
There's not to say that there's not fault to Kay in this. Although I'm not sure that he even told her what time he would be back for her, hence why she was still in her pjs... When I have to pick Kay up at a certain time I say that I need her dressed by a certain time and when I get there, she is dressed. We have no problems. I don't know what if anything he told her but I know she wasn't dressed.
Why does this annoy me so much? Because my mother went out of her way to get stuff that Kay likes so that she would have a good time and he called her at seven to tell her that it would be eleven before he got to her. Kay goes to bed on the weekends at eleven. So she would have had no free time at Mom's because it would have been time for bed as soon as she got there. He knows this.
Another thing that annoys me is that he has no respect for bedtimes in general. When he returns them on Sunday night's it's always after nine pm. Nine and nine thirty are their bedtimes Sunday through Thursday. This is not a secret. I say it every week. We've been doing it so long that the girls actually get tired around these times. But he repeatedly drops them off around ten.
IT makes me want to scream. I swear I am reaching my end.
He also, and this is perhaps the most heinous of the things he does just to annoy me, brings her to my house. The girlfriend. She still has whatever he beef is with me leftover from when I blasted her on Facebook about not giving a crap about the other children in the household and not even stopping to see if they look okay before dragging them out of the house. She acts like I'm loosing sleep over her not liking me and I need her to understand it's not my place in the world to like her. I could probably give a half a rat's ass if she doesn't like me, really. I just want for my girls to be cared for when they are in her care and since they only go over there on the weekends and he works on the weekends, those weekends when she isn't at work, she's caring for my kids. But since she has this thing, I have requested a few times that he not bring her to my house. Not even to sit in the driveway. I have the right to request that. Yet he continually acts like if he just happens to have her in the car, I'm going to be okay with it.
I can't wait until we go to court for this whole custody thing. I need to go to court.
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