So this morning I got out of the car at work and my boss walked up to the door with me. I said "Good morning." but the response I got was "Are you still leaving?" I gave a firm yes and I could almost hear the iron door on my good day shut tight.
It wasn't a bad day, per se, but it was the kind of day where you're in a conflict and one person in said conflict has just realized that no matter how much they baited and goaded, they've lost. Lost with the kind of splat that a pie makes when it hits someone in the face on television. We chatted but like the last few weeks' worth of conversations, I kinda felt that it was very stilted. Two players on a stage kind of thing. My artsy fartsy kinda readers should understand that. This last month has really felt like a bad B rated stage play. IDK work used to be my sanctuary. I used to go in and just know that it was going to be a good day. I was going to be happy. Then suddenly like a lot of things in my life lately, the whole axis just tilted and I could take it or leave it. My AM, she started picking and choosing what days she was going to be nice and which days she was going to snip and snap at me to the point where internally I wanted to pull her throat out through her ears. My relationships with my coworkers is the same. Some days we all laugh and joke around and other days it's like "why are you even walking up my aisle??" One of the guys used t laugh and joke with me and then his humor suddenly turned nasty and downright mean. I don't get the supposed Ghetto humor but oh well. My actual boss and I hit a plateau and that's where we are now. In that horrible b rated stage play each of us dancing neither of us giving the final line.
I don't care anymore. I can take it or I can leave it. This can get read and I can get fired tomorrow for saying anything about my job although I didn't mention names of call anyone anything and it honestly wouldn't make a ripple in my pond because I realized something a few days back. Dammit I've been in retail for sixteen years. I may not count cash and do markdowns with the speed and accuracy that certain people expect from me, but very few people can whittle down a line of customers like I can. I am a pro on most registers and I can do it with a smile and not have pissed off customers when all is said and done. I don't need a recommendation or a transfer. I can walk into almost any retail store and ask and probably get a job . I think if I am going to stay in retail when i get to Charlotte, then I would like to work in a boutique where it's just the manager and myself. I wouldn't mind being a photographers assistant either. I have so many interests it's hard to know which one I would like to turn into a career. BUt I figure if I hold my faith, the path I am supposed to take will glow.
I am going to miss my friends. For a long time, they have seemed like the wind that helped spin my world and I realize now that some of them weren't the wind. Some of them were the base my world sat on. And that was wrong. I got to a place where I depended on my friends to include me in the things they were doing and it didn't dawn on me that not only did I not belong with them sometimes, I had spent my life being such a wallflower that they began to assume that I wouldn't want to be involved. It was my fault and I apologize if anyone reading this ever thought that I was attacking them in my hurt at being left out. I am not apologizing fror the being hurt, just apologizing for the way I handled that hurt.
I have a little over a month before I leave New Jersey. The old me would have expected my friends to rush in trying to spend that last minute with me but the new and improved me knows that they won't. My good friends, the ones that have put up with my mood swings and everything that comes with them, might want to spend a day with me and that is fine I will take it and I will smile and I will laugh and I will have a good time and at the end I will probably cry.
One thing I would like to do before I leave... I would like to have a night in the city. I want to go to a club or a bar in NYC and dance and drink and have the absolute time of my life. If I could I would like to get dressed up and for once, for once look like I am thirty and flirty. I know it'll never happen mainly because most of my friend don't like the city and hmmm what am I forgetting? Oh yeah! I own nothing that makes me look thirty and flirty. Well I do have the dress and thanks to Andi I have the support so I can wear the dress, but I don't have any place to wear the dress.
Enough lamenting and wishing. I have somewhere to be soon so oh well...
Wonder where I can get a countdown widget for my facebook...
Single and blogging is feeling a bit wistful...
