This is my year...

So I'm kinda thinking that this is my year...

For years I've been sitting and minimally complaining about how I never catch a break; how I take one step forward and get pushed three steps back.  I blogged about it but on Facebook and to my friends, I rarely said how much it was bothering me that nothing was happening for me.

I realized that part of it was my fault because I wasn't doing things I could have been doing to help myself, and because it simply wasn't my turn.

It wasn't my turn to catch the so called break that I thought was long deserved and long denied.

I apologize to God for all of the whiny girl prayers I sent up.  I would have deserved it if he had smote me down.  But he didn't because he's a kind and loving father and he had a plan for me.

So, last Monday I bought a car.  I researched and researched and even watched four cars on Ebay motors for like five days before I finally threw everything I'd found out of the window and begged my mom to take me down to Rock Hill Public Auto Auction in South Carolina.  What I walked away with, or rather drove away with, was a green 2001 Volkswagen Passat Wagon...

Isn't she cute?  She has issues, but then every used car does.  But she gets me from point A to point B.  And she's all mine.

And on the heels of that, I was driving home on Tuesday and decided to check my email at a red light.  Imagine my complete surprise when I found an email offering me a new author contract!!!

I have always considered myself a writer, but now I can SAY I am.  I am going to (hopefully) be paid to write!!  And the best part is that they've only bought part one of the story.  If Part one sells well, Part two is all but written and ready to go.  I'm doing some final tweaks and then I'm going to move on to another story altogether and then back track to the daughter of the first story's story.

Honestly, right now the only thing that could possibly bring me any higher than I already am is if the guy I've been crushing on to ask me out finally.  Seriously, that's the ONLY thing that could take me all the way up.  I don't even care if it's the absolute worst date of my life, the fact that he asked me out would be the cherry on the top of my cake.

I am seriously loving life right now!!  This is my year.  I can feel it!

Words...

Words are my chosen profession;

Words are what I wield like a sword.

Words both create and destroy in my world

But words fail me when I try to speak to you.

I want to say notice me.

I want to say talk to me.

I want you to know that I think you are my knight in shining armor

But when I have the chance words run away and stupid giggles fill their place.

Why do words work that way?

Why do they run away?

And why do giggles replace them?

So here where you won't see

Here where you won't go,

Here where they'll never reach your eyes,

I can say it:

I like you.

Like you as if we were in high school.

Like you the way the band geek likes the quarterback.

Like you like that girl in the back of the room

   Who only took that seat so she could stare at you.

Please give me a chance.

Please don't pass me by.

Please ask me to the dance.

Please don't take a pass.

Words are my chosen profession.

Words create and destroy in my world.

So maybe one day my words will inspire you.

Maybe one day you'll see me trying

   And you can fill in the words that always run away...

Do not stand between a mother and her child's welfare.

...It is quite possibly the deadliest place to be...

So I haven't blogged in a while because two things have been all consuming on my mind and neither of which are things I WANT on my mind.  To that end I have been knitting and watching Downton Abbey incessantly.

But I think, perhaps, now I must blog about at least one of the things that has worn me down to a shell of my former conscious.

LAst Monday, 2/10/14, my daughter, Kayla was suspended from school for fighting.  To say I was upset is probably the understatement of the year but what will come at a shock was that I was upset at the school and not my daughter.

For four years, I have been going through this.  When my son was in Ranson, bullies picked on him and he told teachers, and I wrote letters and made calls and nothing was ever done.  My son never snapped  because he made friends with a thug that afforded him a measure of protection.  Did I like it, no?  Was I happy my son wasn't picked on anymore? Yes.  But it started again when Kayla started school.  She comes home, she talks to me, she goes to school and talks to teachers, I made calls and got sent to answering machines, I send notes that got sent to the place where notes they don't want to read go to die.  They haven't done a damn thing ever, but suddenly they want to do something the one moment that one of my children has finally had enough and snaps?

On top of this, The kids have been out of school since Tuesday afternoon.  According to the Zone Coordinator, the school day has to be in session for the suspension day to count.  With the last three days being called out, her suspension hasn't counted.  Tuesday counted as the first day but no other day has as yet counted.  If they go back to having school on Monday, which not saying anything against my fair city may not happen because they refuse to waste snow plows on the side streets that 40% of the children live on, Kayla can't go back to school until Wednesday.  IF they don't go back until Tuesday, she can't go back until Thursday.

My child is NOT going to get her 180 days and I will be damned if they try to make her go to summer school because of this.  I fired off a letter to the CMS school facebook as I don't know who runs the page but I have a feeling that they will see that it gets to the proper people.

I got a reply back from the web administrator who gave me the principal at Ransons Email. and I sent a letter off to her.  CMS is about to learn that the most dangerous place to be is between a mother and anything that concerns her child.  I may go down.  But I'm going down swinging...

The letter I sent to the principal:

I have a question and I hope that if you can't answer it, you can point me towards someone that can or forward it to whom it needs to be addressed.

My daughter was suspended last Monday from Ranson IB Middle for fighting a boy who called her, for lack of a better phrase and not to be crass, an "obese dog" if you get my meaning. Tuesday was the first day of said suspension but then there was no school Wednesday, Thursday or Today. I understand the "Rules" say that she can't now go back until next Wednesday because the school day has to be in session in order for the suspension day to count but I disagree.

For the first, as it stands, she will not get her 180 days of school. For the second, the child whom my daughter fought was given no recourse other than being taken off the bus that day for his slanderous remark towards my child. I know this for a fact because one, he lives across the street from me, I witnessed him getting on the bus in the morning, and several of the neighborhood children made it a point to come to me and tell me that he was on the bus telling everyone that the "obese dog" (again, I am trying to be tactful but please note that he was STILL calling my daughter out of her name) Got suspended for hitting him but he got nothing because he didn't fight back.

For the second, the exact same situation happened to my next door neighbors child during the first snow days we had. The days days the children missed then were the final two days of her suspension and when she went back on the very next school day, no one batted an eye.

Now I know that you cannot discuss the punishments of children not my own but I don't think that My child should have to face the possibility of summer school because she wasn't able to get her 180 days. I have spoken to the zone coordinator for Ranson and I do not think that my daughter should miss any more days. The fact is, that her problems with bullies at Ranson has gone on since 2012 and the school has done absolutely nothing about it. Whether this is by choice I don't know but I do know that my daughter has been trying to tell adults at Ranson as have I for over a year now and it is only now, when my daughter got tired of being bullied and ignored that they are choosing to do something. As I explained to Ms. Green, Since 2012 Kayla has been telling teachers to no avail, I have written notes that go wherever notes that no one wants to read in Ranson go to die. I have been put on hold when I call or given my name and number for someone to call me back and no one ever does. I understand that CMS has rules but CMS has to understand that as a mother I must look out for my child and when the place that I trust with her safety, welfare, and education for seven hours a day isn't caring whether or not she is one of the "unfortunate children who sometimes slip through the cracks" then maybe I should find a school district that will. I have the bullying and intimidation form from the handbook and have saved it for Kayla and myself to fill out, so there's no need to send it.

Also, and please understand, I am not meaning to be rude when I say this, but when you contact me, I don't need to hear CMS speak or what THEY want you to say. I want to speak to you not the rulebook. IF you aren't allowed to speak to me without quoting the student handbook, then I really don't think I can listen as I have grown up behind the scenes of a school district and know the CMS as well as other schools handbook by heart.

What I need to know is, Will my child be allowed back in school on the next school day and if she is not, who else do I bring this up with because my first inclination is to find the superintendent's office and sit there until he will see me personally. I don't like having to go straight to the top but I am fighting for my childs safety, welfare, and education none more important than the other.

If needs be Someone may call me on my home or cell phone both numbers I am putting at the bottom of this letter.

Claudette Wilson

I hope this works....

I've been Laying low for awhile...

I'm honestly stumped on a topic that starts with U besides umbrellas to do for the U blog so I'm at a stand still for the alphabet blog and then very little is going on in real life.  Last Tuesday I had four teeth removed and Wednesday, I didn't even bother to turn on my computer.  What little Facebooking I did, I did from my phone all of Wednesday.  Thursday I turned the computer on but I didn't post about my mouth.  I found about ten short of a million other things to post about.

Today I got to use my reason for plodding through the week, I got to go to Patty's!!  Yay!  I literally live for Fridays now because I get to go over there and just chill.  I don't have to be anyone else but me and me doesn't have to say a word because she knows me.  If I get over there, plop in the lounge chair and close my eyes, she doesn't want to talk about why I'm so tired, she just goes ahead and plays a game until I open my eyes.  It's awesome!  I don't have a lot of people in my real life that I can be the me that I am when I'm not trying to be someone.  And if you kept up with that you get a gold star! Good job.

I'm tired of pretending to be a million different people.  I have some friends that when I'm with them or on the phone with them I have to be the listening ear or the counselor and I have to be honest, a lot of times I want to ask whoever is telling me all of their problems did it ever occur to them that I have massive problems of my own and dumping theirs on me is just not the thing I need right now.  Most of the time I insert the 'uh huh's" and "mmm's" in when I think I'm supposed to and those particular friends don't even notice that I'm barely there.

And then there are the friends that I have to always be happy for.  I have to always have a smile on my face or a ready joke on my lips.  If I'm having a bad day, they ignore me because that's not right.  They don't have downer friends.  I think those friends are the hardest relationships that I have.

There's the face that I have to present to my ex in laws.  The one that says I'm not one of you anymore.  All but one of you made it abundantly clear when I was one of you that you didn't want me so why have you pulled me back in.  The side of me that was raised to respect my elders even when they are walking all over me with steel toed cleats on.  I have to hide the side of me that wants to tell them to stop trying to tell me how to live my life.  I made it to 35 with very little input from them and I'm pretty sure I will make to age 80 with the same amount of input.

I even have a side of me that I have to show to my ex husband.  And that is a hard side to maintain.  I was married to him for ten years.  He knows what's behind all of my faces.  He may choose not to see, but he knows.  He knows that when I'm frustrated, I cry.  He knows that when I'm sad, I intentionally make myself angry so that I have something to fight.  And he knows at what level of quiet there's something wrong and what level of quiet it's safe to ask what's wrong.

He either can't see or chooses not to see that a part of me is jealous as hell of him.  He threw me to the wayside and immediately had another woman.  When that one turned out to be batshit crazy, he had another one.  This one, in my eyes, is not only clingy needy and a general mess, she's immature and I wouldn't be surprised if she makes it to the summer, but the point is in the span of our years apart, he has never had a lack of women by his side and me... I can't find one that wants to give me the time of day.

I've liked two men since I've lived here in Charlotte.  One I slept with and later the addiction just vanished and the other I want in other ways that carnal, but I've been seriously friendzoned.  Like there doesn't seem to be a door leading out of that hellish arena AT ALL.  Can't show him the side of me that really wants him to see me as more than a friend because that side of me has a spastic condition that comes off as giggly and stuttery.

So you can see why I love going over to Patty's?  I can be me.  Not brave, not constantly funny, not even interesting.  Just Me.

Tomorrow I have to make a shit ton of confections that I will not be able to eat.  So my day will be spent screaming at my stove.  I have all my children so maybe I'll sneak in a family rock band session.

Church on Sunday and then chilling.  I might blog.  I might not.

So there you have it.  Tonight's random  thought.  Blog you later!  Stay Frosty!

I may sound offensive and insensitive... (So if you think I may offend you or I may sound like an insensitive ass, don't read)

But I have absolutely NO RESPECT for anyone that takes their own life.  In my eyes, you are a horrible coward, not very bright, and maybe the world is a better off place without you if you take your own life leaving others to mourn you and tell people that you will be remembered for all the good you've done.

No.  They can remember you for all the good you've done, I'm going to remember you as the dumbass that left people behind to cry and despair that you aren't here anymore.

And I can say that and come by those feelings honestly because once upon a time, I was the one contemplating suicide.  Once upon a time I didn't give a rats ass about who I'd be hurting if I ended it all.  And then I woke up and I realized that if I took myself away from this earth, I would be hurting three innocent children, condemning my mother to have to live without her child, and leave a whole host of other family and friends to try and remember how I had been and forget how I left.

I had an uncle that killed himself over a woman.  To be fair, that side of my family didn't have a terribly tenuous hold to their branches on the family tree (They were a little bit nuts) but still he left two children behind to mourn his loss and who were taken in by his wifes family and separated from their father's family.  To this day I have never met them nor do I know their names. Not that I definitely would have known them had their father lived because again, that side of my father's family is... well... ah... yeah... BUT there might have been an off chance.

And I HATE HATE HATE when news articles describe an actor as accidentally overdosing.  They live in the world.  They know that cocaine, heroin, and alcohol can kill them.  They know that mixing them together is a prescription for death.  No, they choose to mix/take them therefore there was no accident.  That, my dear Watson, is suicide.   Unless someone held them down, tied them up, and forcibly shot drugs into their body, they did it to themselves.  Feeling down?  Feeling like you don't matter to anyone at all?  Why go talk to someone that can maybe help you not feel that way when you can tie a rope to the ceiling and swing by the neck until you can't feel the pain anymore?  Totally a much better solution. Autoerotic asphyxiation... hmmm... let me deny my brain life giving oxygen just so that my twenty seconds of pleasure can become forty.  Never mind that I'm probably by myself and there's no one to take the belt off my throat, that forty seconds of mind blowing please is totally worth it!

Hang on, let me get a napkin, I spilled some sarcasm there.

Like I said, I've been in that dark place.  I've felt like there wasn't a damn thing or person that could make seeing the light seem possible.  I admit it, I was one of the lucky ones who had people willing to reach into the deep dark hole and pull me out but only because I was willing to let them try.

I just clicked a link to see 25 stars who were gone too soon (And of course out of disgust i closed the page and cannot find it again) but of those 25, 10 were drug overdoses, self inflicted gunshot wounds, and hangings.  The rest were truly accidents or medical.  On that list was Paul Walker.

Some might argue that he was a stunt driver he knew that by getting in that car he knew he could crash and die but seriously.  They weren't racing, they were just trying out a car so no.

And arguably, the one that pissed me off the most was Corey Monteith.  He died in a hotel room from a combination of heroin and alcohol.  He stuck the needle in his arm, he put the bottle to his lips.  The very same combination has killed so many actors it's almost an overdone way of dying. (So yesterday! As if!)  So why in God's name are people still mourning this dumbass?  Why is everyone remembering what an awesome actor he was (I have seen several of his episodes of Glee I am going to hold any comment I have about that) and what a great person he was.  Hello!!! He made the choice to take himself away from all of you! He is the reason you are sad!

Crap, let me wipe up my disdain.

If I had taken my own life all those years ago, do you think my mom would spend her life crying about what a good person I had been?  She might have for the first couple of years, but knowing my mom, she would have been angry as hell that I was selfish enough to do whatever I would have done to end my life (It was pills by the way).

I'm pretty sure normal, sane people aren't as cold and insensitive as I am when it comes to stuff like this.  I'm sure that someone somewhere is calling me a grinch and waiting for my heart to grow two sizes too big right now, but to me this is common sense.  I'm not going to sit and cry myself dry and wear mourning colors over someone that was selfish enough to take themselves away and not care about anyone else's pain.

I just don't see it.  I just don't.