What if there is no Happy ever after??

The majority of females grow up with Disney ideals that someday after everything is said and done, their knight in shining armor is going to show up and everything is going to be okay.  Some of the more reality based females understand that everything might not be okay forever but for that moment, at least, everything will be bright and shiny.  This is not to say that all girls grow up with these ideals.  Some simply don't have that Disney-esque happily ever after in the back of their minds.

Girls like me tend to sneer at those girls.  At least I used to be apart of the group that did that.  Now I'm starting to see life from their perspective.

What if there are no Happily Ever Afters?  What if all we have and all we will ever get is Contentedly right nows?  What if those make us so content that they seem like Happily Ever After?

I grew up with the happily ever after as my goal in life.  My entire childhood all I wanted was my man to sweep me away from New Jersey where I never felt like I fit in and take me somewhere where he would marry me, let me have his kids and we would be happy for the rest of our lives.  It was my dream.  My happily ever.  To be very honest, my happy ever after dream wasn't actually a by product of Disney.  They didn't hit the upswing of princesses until I was an adult really.  I only had Snow White, Cinderella, and sleeping beauty as my Disney female role models.  Let's break that down for a second:

Snow White- Her mom dies and she gets a really bitchy stepmother.  (Keep in mind that I have NEVER seen Snow White) Mommy dearest decides one day that little snow is way to pretty so the only obvious solution is to kill her.  Snow runs away and goes to live with seven tiny men that look after her in exchange for her cooking and cleaning for them.  When he prince charming finally finds her, she's in a coma because mommy dearest found her first and the naive little thing took and ate an apple from a stranger that was poisoned.  He kissed her and she woke up thanks to true loves kiss.

Cinderella- Mom dies, she gets a step mother who treats her like the maid.  She wishes really hard and a fairy godmother gives her a pretty dress so she can go to a dance where she meets a prince and then runs away leaving a shoe.  HE scours the country searching for the one woman that fits this shoes because NO ONE else in an entire kingdom can possibly have the same sized shoe as one girl.  He finds her, he marries her.  They live happily ever after.

Sleeping Beauty-  Girl gets taken away by three old women because an evil woman threatens her life way down the road.  She meets a man in the forest and basically plans to spend her life with this guy whose name she doesn't even know.  She falls into a coma and he kisses her.  She wakes up, she's in love, they get married.

If I had based my happily ever after on those three role models, I think I'd be even more screwed up than I already am.  

No, my happy ever after role models were women in the romance novels I read.  They had real struggles but in the end, their men did take them away from all of that.

I'm serious.  All I wanted growing up was to get as far away from New Jersey as possible.  Not my friends though.  In my happy ever after we were friends forever no matter where I went but I just needed out of Ocean Township New Jersey.  I wanted away from my mother and the old school family that never saw who I really was.  I wanted my knight to take me away to a house where I could put my feet in the grass and run free.  Where I could sit in the sun and smile while I watched our children romp and play.  At night he would hold me and make me feel loved.  I would keep his house and cook his food.  This was my happy ever after.

I'm not going into go into my marriage. Nor am I going to go into last summer.

I sat and thought about it tonight.  All of my life I have been looking for my happy ever after and all of my searches have come up short.  In my pursuit of the happy ever after I have let a lot of contentedly right nows pass me by.

No more.  If offered a contentedly right now, I'm taking it.  I'm not going to sabotage it because I hope it turns into happy ever after, I'm going to take it for what it is.  A chance to be happy right now.  A chance to for once, not be the one left on the sidelines wanting.  

You want me, happily ever after, you have to be the one to do the footwork.  As for me, right now, I'm living in contentedly right now from now on.

No strings.

No expectations.

As long as I'm happy in the moment, I'll take it.

I'm in.

So....insert witty blog title here...

Yeah... I got nothing...  At all.

I need to blog but I don't really have a subject.  I can tell you about what I've been eating.

French fries.  I have become even more addicted to french fries.  McDonald's french fries.  Recently, I discovered that I like them dipped in hot fudge.

NO, I'm not pregnant.

Last time I checked members of the opposite sex want to have... you know actual sex for that to happen and I can assure you not one damn member of the opposite sex wants me in that way.

Let's see what we can cover.

Love life:

As mentioned above.  No one wants me in that way.  This is not for lack of me trying.  A good friend of mine said that I shouldn't look to be with anyone until I am happy with myself.

I am happy with myself.  I actually for the first time in probably forever have no issues with myself.  I am okay with my weight, I am okay with the fact that I have complete and total bursts of utter inappropriateness.  I am okay with the fact that sometimes I can be shy and sometimes I can be the most gregarious person you will ever meet.  I am okay sitting at home with myself and doing nothing.

I am happy with myself.  The only thing that I am not happy with about myself is that I can find anyone that happy with me the way I am happy with me.  And I'm not looking for love, I'm looking for... just someone.  I'm wierd and crazy, and sometimes moody and all I want is someone that's okay with that and maybe a little of the same.

I blogged a few days ago about how I was over someone and that I didn't care anymore.  That was a lie.  I mean every day that goes by something happens that makes me want to punch him.  Hard.  But I'm not going to lie.  If he showed me the slightest bit of interest I would probably melt like a snowman in Tahiti. That actually pisses me off but there's a reason behind that.


Work life:

That area of my life is a little bit more interesting. Things are being shaken up there and I am neither happy or amused.  In fact people that I love dearly are talking about going away.  I don't like that.  At all.  I want them to stay and I want other people to go.  I can't make people stay nor can I help make people go but still....  I love them.  We're like a big family.  And just to prove we are close I can tell you with absolute honesty that we have been bouncing the same cold in varying degrees around for maybe two months.  Seriously.  LIke a huge waltons style family.  I love my work family.  I would do a lot for them and wouldn't trade any of them for anything.

Family:

My mom is still being my mom.  Which is to say that there are moments when she forgets that I'm 35 not 16 and she basically decides my life for me.  I am dealing better with these moments.  I tend to listen, take to heart her advice and then completely ignore it in favor of doing what I want to do and then look back in retrospect and realize that she may or may not have had a point and maybe I should have done something her way.  But then that's every relationship with mothers and daughters.

My daughters have, thanks to my aunt and my mother, acquired tablets and cell phones.  This means that I am no longer needed for entertainment.  At all.  It is now so freaking quiet in my house that I'm pretty sure if I screamed, no one would hear it.  On the upside though, my girls actually contact me now.  Now that they have texting and whatnot, I get random I love you texts and whatcha doin? texts.  It's great.

Health:

Not so awesome here.  Like I said above, I finally caught the cold/flu we've been passing around work and OMG!  I'm not sure but I was fairly certain for a couple of days there that I actually was going to die.  And if it would have stopped the nose blowing, the coughing, and the sore throat, I would have given myself gladly over to death himself.  I still have the breathing problems because hey!  I have asthma that really sucks and my voice still sounds like that of a great groan man but with those I can so deal.  Well not with the no breathing.  I have good nights and bad nights with that.


So have I missed any facet of my life?  I'm pretty sure I covered it all.  If I missed anything, let me know.  Until then, stay frosty!!

So this has been a fairly bad (But fairly productive) week...

Bad because last Saturday night, whatever I have been dodging by working with patient zero FINALLY caught up with me and punched me hard.  At the end of the call back shift Saturday night I had such little voice that I had to wait until I got to a stoplight to text my manager for the next day to let her know that I was feeling like shit because I didn't have enough voice for my text to talk feature to pick up.

Stop looking at me like that, yes I text while driving but not actually text.  The text while talk lets me keep my eyes on the road and I really only do it at lights anyway.

I'm withering from that look.  And you know who I am talking to.

Anyway, Sunday Morning, the awesometastic Ambs texted me and said not to come in and to get some rest.  She is awesome have I said that?  She is.  I probably didn't get out of bed until like two in the afternoon and then I firmly ensconced my tushie on the couch and crocheted until the girls came home.  But I should go back and explain Saturday.

Saturday was one of those nights at work.  Just one of those nights.  K was out sick so J1 asked the drivers (Which I was that night) to stay an hour later which meant that J (or rather for the purpose of this blog, since I try not to use names, shall be referred to as J3) had to stay until 10:30, F was free to go at 9 (which she did, happily) and I was there until 1130 (No big deal I'm okay with this because aside from listening to J2 talk (whine) and talk (complain) and talk (bitch) all night I get tips because people tend to tip females on Friday and saturday nights so I was totally fine with this PLUS, I was headed into overtime so... yaya!)  At ten ten J2 decided to let J3 go which, he had been there all damn day, so awesome!  At ten twenty J2 decided to let me go which left him with only 1 driver for the next hour and a half and if anyone has ever worked pizza, you do not want to have only one driver on Saturday night.  You just don't.  But despite anything and mostly because my throat already felt like the highway to hell, I left. I got to Walmart and bought my over the counter drugs to feel better and made it 90% of the way home before J2 texts me talking about one driver and six orders on the screen.

In no happy alignment of the universe are six orders going to line up perfectly for one driver to take.  I doesn't happen.  It's one of those miracles that not even God can make happen. Not on a Saturday night.  I ask him point blank if he needs me.  He says yes so I hotfoot it back to work.

OMG total and complete chaos.  That is the absolute only way to describe what I walked into.  He seemed to have run out of everything on the make line so there's all these lexans on top and he's kinda working around them but I don't know how.  I take a double, T takes a triple.  I get back and need to take a triple because T has one waiting for her in west bumblefuck. (In retrospect she probably should have taken the triple as I had to have a remake because I tripped on the carpet and dropped the third person's pizza on the carpet outside of their room... Seriously doubtful T would have been that clumsy.)

The whole time B was there.  At one point he was putting the bags in the trash cans for J2.  I noticed that J2 sat and texted while I did the cut table for some of the time.  While the make line looked like D day but... No judgements. (Total judgements)

I'm sorry to say that my burning throat put aside my need to have at least my makeline look decent and I walked away after the second run and left.  I was not going to stay and help clean for someone who was on his phone texting when he could have been cleaning before.  And it sounds totally mean of me, but I don't care what time he finally got out because a lot of Saturday night could have been avoided if J2 had just done what J1 wanted and kept drivers until the hours that J1 asked the drivers THEMSELVES to stay.

But whatever.

Sunday as I explain was spent in a nyquil/Dayquil haze.

Monday I was feeling better enough to go get steaks and potatoes to fix the girls an actual dinner and we sat and played life and watched Twilight breaking Dawn until bedtime.  It was nice to spend time with my kids.  They are awesome.  Tuesday I crocheted.  nothing really happened.  Wednesday I did go into work but I had developed a cough by them so J1 promptly sent me home.  Like I did some stuff off the clock but Mommy brough K to the store because she picked her up from school and was going to pick up pizza for the girls and take them home but J1 was like "Go home.  We're dead and you're still sick.  Go home."  Thursday, I still had the cough but I made it through work so yay!!

Now today was a special kind of hell in itself.  I got like maybe five hours of sleep last night because my asthma has decided that even though the cold seems to be about done with me, it is not.  So last night was spent trying hard to breathe. Like almost needed to go to the ER trying.  I would have gone but I could barely breathe long enough to sit up right did you think I was gonna try to drive?  And call an Ambulance and have no way home when they finally release me?  No.  Just no.

Managed to get to sleep about three ish for K to wake me at 730.  I had to get up and get dressed because I had my very first rehab for my shoulder today.  Got there and had to walk so far because the directions said to park in the garage which was around the bloody corner but only for me because I had an old copy of the directions instead of the new copy that said to park in front of the damn building.  Did I mention that it was freaking cold?

Got there and waited like forty minutes to be seen in which time I helped one woman open a door that she thought was automatic while the receptionist just talked on the phone pretending to ignore said woman because well... she was confused about a door. (There was a pad on the wall that says wave your hand in front of it for the door to open.  She waved her hand in front of it maybe thirty times and the door stayed shut so she thought it was broken.  I had compassion for two reason.  One she was old.  Like way old.  She had a cell phone but it was one the oldest flip phones I had ever seen.  I think it might have been a cousin to the original razor. The second reason was because the exact same pad was on the outside of the door and I had stood there for five minutes waving my hand in front of it like an ass before figuring out that I would in fact have to use the door knob.)  Then a woman that bathed in perfume came at sat next to me which started a coughing fit.  When I moved away she said "Thank you because honey, I do not want to catch what you have."  To which I replied "I have asthma and whatever perfume you bathed in is setting it off."  She got offended.  My excuse, when there is sever lack of oxygen getting to my brain, please don't expect the guard at the gate between mouth and brain to be conscious to do anything.  Then I got called in and stat there while the woman told me that since I am a medicaid patient, they can't do anything for me because medicaid doesn't cover therapy.  Like I'm sorry, was this not something you could have told me over the phone yesterday when you called me?  Like ever?  Cause an hour of my day or more was just really wasted when I could have been trying to catch those Z's that were so elusive last night.

Anyway, went to get breakfast, took my boss a espresso shake and then came home and crashed like it was the end of a hard day only to be woken by mom.

So now I am off to work.  I am hoping that today is going to be okay.  IT's going to be a long shift.  I like those but sometimes when I'm feeling like maybe forty percent they can be killer.  But I'm not the type to complain and honestly I put two complaining statuses up on FB already so I'm going to hold all complaing for a week.  I'm not a complainer...

Please go let tonight be a good night!

Stay frosty bloggers!!

French Fries and Vodka...

So first off, Happy New Year.  I know that my last blog only hours ago was basically along the lines of fuck the new year but I'm going to stick to the cliche and say, that's in the past.

That being said, knowing that the object of last years affection had a slightly shitty start to the new Year is kinda helping fuel this level of happy.

The vodka in my McDonalds orange Hi-C isn't hurting either.

And French fries!  Drool love french fries.

I also said I wasn't going to make a new years resolution.  I guess I lied because all the way home tonight I thought of just one thing.  I am done having crushes on men.  I'm done giving any piece of my heart to a guy and he treats it like shit.  This year alone, one person has made me doubt myself more time than even my ex husband did and I tried to commit suicide twice because of him. This guy...

So I spent the last three or maybe four months beating myself up because I wrote a blog that basically called him a whole bunch of names that a man should never be called and he saw it.  I beat myself up, I cried, I yelled at myself, I even stood in the mirror and degraded myself so bad I made myself cry and needed to take a headache pill.

But I never took the blog down.

I convinced myself that I didn't mean any of it and it was just the angry ramblings of a woman that doesn't have any other outlet than her blog.  I told him that it would never happen again.  I apologized more times that I think any human is allowed to say they are sorry in a given year.

But I never took it down.

Tonight, I realized, that I never took it down because deep down, I think I still believe everything I wrote.  I have taken down blogs before.  Usually when I realize that I'm doing more harm than help and it just needs to be like it never was.  But this one, I left.  At one time I did mean to take it down but I didn't.  I just couldn't hit the delete button.  I could not make that particular rant never there.

Do I still want to call him all of those names?  No.  I never want to call any man those names.  Maybe the guy who is going to inevitably throw the switch that starts my lethal injection but no, I never want to call any man those names again.

And I don't wish him any harm in the coming months.  But I also-- and I can't believe this is actually coming from my fingers-- don't wish him any comfort in the new year.  I don't wish him anything.

Several time this year I handed my heart, as broken and bruised as it already was, to him and almost every time, he tore it just a little more and handed it back.

Even my ex husband didn't do that.  He fucked with my head but he never touched my heart. That was a place that even he didn't go.  That is particularly one of the reasons that he still holds a place in my heart.  I would be a character witness for him if needed. I can't say my testimony would help him, but I would be there.... If he ended up in jail, I would make sure his mother and sister came up with bail money.  I might even contribute ten bucks. (Twenty if it's his weekend to have the kids...)  The point is, when a man fucks with your head, you can bounce back-- even if you have to bounce off a few padded walls for a bit.

But when a man fucks with your heart, you don't bounce back.  You take an extreme liking to shiny sharp things.  You become a stone figure of who you used to be.  You lock whats left of that fragile organ away and very few people ever get to see it again.  I dare say that if you've been hurt enough, you lock it away so far and hidden that even you forget it's there.

Now, don't get me wrong, if Mr. Wonderful is still out there someone needs to update his GPS so he can get here.  I'm putting away my heart but at the moment, I still have the key and the ability to let it out again.

Maybe.  I'd like to think I do.

But there will never be another moment when I hand it over to a person that is going to use it to put out his cigarettes.  As of right now.  My heart is no longer and never ever will be again an ashtray.

To that guy, I will say this one last thing.  You had a chance at a good woman.  I am worth more than you think.  I am honest, and loving, and compassionate and you treated me like I was fat and ugly and not worth ten cents.  I cried more tears over you than any woman should cry in a lifetime.  And now I have reached the end of the line.

To him I can say this.  You reached the worst possible outcome with me:

I no longer care about you.  I don't care if you are happy.  I don't care if you are sad.  I don't care if you feel well. I don't care if you didn't sleep well, didn't eat well or if a butterfly flapped it's wings in Bolivia and you have a headache.  Live with it, die with it, do whatever you want.  I. Don't. Care.

Read this or don't.  Call me on it or don't.  Tell me that I've betrayed you or don't.

There are a few people in this world that can verify that when I stop caring about you.  You have lost something very valuable.  If you watch HIMYM, then you understand the picture.  If not, I can't help you.

On that note, I am going to bed.  I have to be up for work by ten.

I hope that everyone has a good new year and that everyone was safe bringing it in.

Stay frosty!