Because while I have had food tonight, I have also had an entire bottle of wine.
YEs, Arbor mist is real wine. Or it damn sure is when you drink an entire bottle of it. I should work on my limits. No... that's not the word... I should work on my... on my... what is the damn word??? That thing where you know you shouldn't do something but you do anyway? LIke finish an entire bag of Pepperidge Farm MIlano slices with salted pretzels on top and drink an entire bottle of wine. I wanna say limitations but I don't think that's the word.
I think that it's better if I don't think right now.
So an update to my stupid act of anger a few week ago. I tried to apologize but he still won't talk to me. I think my apology has gone the way of the mejai or whatever it is they say.
A friend asked me the other day if I want to make amends. I don't know. I miss my friend. I miss talking with him. Or rather listening to him talk. If amends means having that back. Yes. I do. If amends means having him back intimately, I honestly don't know. I miss the way his eyes sparkle when he talks to me. Now they are cold. I miss the way I might look over and catch him watching me. NOw he turns his back to me. All The Time.
I can't keep up the dance where I try to move out of his way. I can't force myself to keep breathing when he says something not work related to me. I can't stop pretending that hugging him and being hugged by him fixed almost every problem I had had that day and that I miss it.
I miss it. I miss him. And he's gone.
And I am not okay.
I haven't blogged because there is nothing to blog about. I think we all know that if I wanna blog I could bullshit out a blog about the sky being blue if I wanted to. NO, I haven't blogged because I'm back to square one in beating myself up. I did wrong. I messed up.
And he won't give me the time of day to say that to his face. He won't relent for one second for me to look him in his gorgeous eyes one more time and apologize to him.
I definitely should not drink. I just need to stop altogether. It's after midnight and all I want is another glass of wine. NO actually, I want the rest of the absolut in my fridge and maybe the iced tea vodka.
I have this theory that I probably need to... I'm not going to finish this.
My life is in an absolute tailspin and I don't know how to stop it.
I don't know if I want to stop it.
And I have no one that I can talk to about it.
No one.
I need to change things.
But I don't want to.
I think that the absence of my want is due to the absence of my know how. And I sound like I know what I'mn saying but I don't.
I want to change things but I don't want to because I don't know how and I'm afraid of falling on my ass again.
Okay, I'm going to end this and go to bed. Maybe in the morning I will be better and not want to climb up a side of a water tower and just sit there singing.
One of my coworkers has this thing. If you tell her she's driving you crazy, she responds with the same line:
"Crazy? I was crazy once. They locked me in a padded room. I liked it there. I died there. They put three flowers on my grave. Two went up, one went down. It tickled me. It drove me crazy. Crazy? I was crazy once...." And it continues.
Why did I mention that? I don't know.
I think I might need a padded room again. I don't want to hurt anyone but I think I might be becoming a danger to myself.
It doesn't matter. Everyone will write this off as me having a drunken moment and think that the next day when I don't say anything, that it's over and I'm fine. No one is going to see this for what I'm trying to say.
For what I don't know how to say.
Fuck it. I'm going to bed.
Do that frosty thing.
