Parents killing their kids...

I can say this probably because I'm done having children so I might be looking at this from a kinda warped point of view, but I really think the government should get involved with reproduction. 

We've all seen it in the sci fi movies and movies about what the future would/could be like...

Reproduction is handled by the government.  They give you the permission and they give you the means and so on.

I'm not sure how they would take away our God given right to reproduce but I really feel it should be done.

Why??

Because way too many unstable people are out there hving kids.

Everyday, you read about someone who left her kids in the bathtub to drown, or today i read about a woman that threw one child out of a window and was shot by police because she wouldn't stop stabbing her five year old.  What the fuck is going on with parents these days.

Don't get me wrong, I so fully understand SOME of the motivation it takes to want to do very bad things to kids sometimes.  Like when my kids eat ALL the food in the house without regard to maybe I'd like to eat to.  I want to rant and scream and throw things.  When my kids use the walls as poster and chalkboards I want to paint them into the wall.  But I never, repeat NEVER want to end their lives.  Not even the night that Jovaughn and Kayla went over the walls in Jovaughn's room with black sharpie and black crayon the night before my Navy move out inspection did I want to kill them.  Not when JOvaughn cut Kayla's hair so short the child looked like a little boy with a small fro for over a year did I want to kill him.  Do very bad things like spank until my hand bled, yes, wrap my hands around their throats until their lives subsided, HELL NO!

I honestly believe that if the government had some kind of control over breeding and reproduction things would be a lot different.  The screening process to be allowed to have a child would be worse than one to adopt a child today.  This being said, very few people would pass and I am going to include myself post marriage.  Pre marriage I probably still wouldn't have passed because it was all kind of idyllic to me but post marriage I wouldn't pass because I have some serious mental issues.

 This has got to stop.  Parents have to stop having mental breakdowns and hurting innocent children.  Okay so sometimes they act like the spawn of satan.  That doesn't mean you go build an alter of fire out back and give the kid back to the flames of hell.  It means you take a step back and breathe, and come at the kid from a different mental angle or if you can't.  You honestly can't, you need to at least try to hold on to the mental capacity big enough to go away. 


What can I say?  There's no right way to parent no matter how many women strap on a cardigan and a string of pearls and go on television and give you tips.  There's no right way to be a mom or dad, but there are a million wrong ways and there are people out there that are willing to help save your children from one of those wrong ways.  Take your kids to a neighbor!

If someone were to pull into my driveway and knock on my door and say "My kids are the spawn of Satan and I need you to take them away from me right now, I would ask for names, give you a crazy look while I'm dialing 911, get your kids situated and make sure that no one was in a position to get hurt.  Why?  Because I understand what it feels like to snap. 

Sigh... I've got nothing left.  I was probably going to go on for a while but the I went on Facebook and someone made me laugh and it was forgotten.

Sigh...

Family of teen struck by car on Lone Mountain Road speaks out - www.ktnv.com

Family of teen struck by car on Lone Mountain Road speaks out - www.ktnv.com

This is one of my best friend's daughter. Please pray for her. She needs every scrap of prayer that anyone can give. They also need donations, but Prayer is free. If you can't sent monetary help please please please send prayer!!!

So Hmmm...

I think I may be going through one of those manic moments where the need to put the thoughts out of my head may just have reached a crucial point.  I think I have a panic switch in my head and when the thoughts pile up enough to reach that level, a hatch just opens and they come pouring out.

Yes, I had a bad night last night but I have those periodically.  And yes last nights bad episode was triggered by the ex deliberately trying to hurt my big girl by means of scaring her ass off.  Like I said.  It may have just lost me a television, but the fact that my daughter can still cuddle up in her protection of Mommy fighting the monsters for a little longer made it well worth it.

So I've been watching my news feed very closely and I see all the posts that people think are slipping by without anyone noticing.  At least four people on my newsfeed in the past month have changed their status back to single or in a relationship.  One of them made it a point for me to know he was back to single.

Which I honestly don't understand.  If you know I am attracted to you and want to be with you, why make it a point to tell me that you're single just so that you can go back to ignoring me?  Do you know how much that hurts?

I'm tired of being relegated to the friend role.  I don't want to be your friend.  I want to be your girlfriend.  I feel like putting on a tight leather outfit and doing a rendition of Ashlee Simpson's Girlfriend. 

Just once, I think I'd like a man to have the balls to tell me to my face what is it about me that gets me tossed so summarily into the friend category every time.  But no, they make dates with you and don't show up. Or all they want is sex.  Or all they want is for you to do something for them.  Not that all of this is bad.  I would just like some reciprocation. 

I want to issue a challenge.  I want a guy out there who is not too wrapped up in himself pay me attention.  I want a guy to put himself to the side for just one stinking moment and at least try to see what a nice dateable person I am.

Oh who am i kidding?  It will never happen. Le Sigh...

So I may have pinpointed what triggered my bad mood...

Okay, who wants to take a guess??  Come on!!  Don't be skured, take a wild guess!

You there!  In the corner!  You with your hand up!  Yes you!  What's your guess?

That's right!!  Totally correct is the nice man with the millions of cats!!  It was the infamous ex!!

So suffice to say I think I totally fucked my chances of weasling a new television out him last night but it was so totally worth it that I would do it again on any damn day of the week.

So I think I may or may not have blogged that my oldest girl needs surgery to fix her eye muscles.  She has  one lazy eye that goes side to side and one lazy eye that goes up and down.  Yeah I know, This is bad eyesight inbreeding at it's best right here.  The girl who needed an upped eye glass prescription for most of her life married Mr. Frog eyes and this is the result.  Hehe sorry, having a bad day, the alliterations are not going to be nice.  They will be colorful but not nice.

Anyway the short of it is, I love my child more than life and air and water, but her eyes are fucked up and surgery will put her on the right path to getting non fucked up eyes.  I am totally fine with this so long as they don't blind my child.  Her father however is not fine with this because he, and I quote, has "lived his entire life in glasses and done just fine."

Do not even get me started.  You know how when you come out of a bad relationship and you look back and wonder if you were drunk the entire time?  Yeah that's me.  He had the potential to be a nice guy... sometimes... and he was an okay father... sometimes... but physically speaking I think he must have exuded this roofie aura cause the only way I can explain being physically attracted to him was if I was seriously strung out for the entire time I was with him.

Anyway, so last night he was speaking to the kids and he asked Kayla where her glasses were and she flat out admitted that she lost them.  He then had the audacity to tell her that if she didn't start wearing the glasses they were going to cut into her face.

Yes you read that so right... cut into her face...

I mean what the fuck??  Who the hell says that to a child???  I don't think she heard what he was saying because I was smart enough to know where he was going when the sentence started off with "Do you know what's going to happen if you don 't wear your glasses?"

Man bloggers, I lit into his ass.  Normally I say our children or your child or some version of possessiveness but last night the main line I kept screaming at him was that he was not going to do that to my daughter.  He was not going to scare my daughter.  I totally pulled the whoile mther lion whose cubs just got fucked with routine and you know what, I think I may have gotten through to him.

How can I tell?  Simple.  He was stuttering.  He only stutters when I have so totally blacked out on him that shit spewed out of my mouth that may or may not have made sense but definitely hurt.  This usually involves spews about his mother and so on.  I can't honestly tell you all the things that I said but I know that I screamed at him for over ten minutes and felt physically lighter when I was done.

I also had a great sense of loss for the flat screen television that I was trying to make him get for us...

Damn mouth... but it needed to be said.  Whatever I said.

So yeah, I think I have pinpointed why I want to run around screaming at everyone that makes eye contact with me...   Hmmm... That was easy... Everyone should have a blog.  It makes life a lot clearer.

You can come out now.  The sotrm is about over... I promise not to hurt the innocent ones anymore.

For the next few minutes anyway...

Insert really scary maniacal grin here...

Excuse me I need to have a mental breakdown day...

This is your disclaimer.  This is one of those foul mouth blogs that it would be better for you not to read if you have a sensitive stomach.  This is your first and last warning!

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* Seriously, this is it folks.  I have opened up a can of foul mouth monkey and there is no turning back after this.  Walk away.  Walk away now!
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I'm sorry, but this is going to be one of those days where I just am no good to anyone.  None at all.  I just want to run around and scream "Fuck you!" at anyone unfortunate enough to make eye contact with me.

I think everyone has those days, they're just too pussy to admit it.  Well, I'm admitting it.  I'm having one of those days and if you don't want to get your feelings hurt, DON'T READ!

I am so damn tired of people acting like I'm not allowed to have a life because I have kids. 

I will not sit around my house wasting away and waiting for shit to hit DVD because I couldn't get to the movies anymore.  I will not sit at home waiting for you to see if maybe I want to tag along.  Man fuck you!  I am not the third wheel on your fucked up ass tricycle!

My kids are not your responsibility.  AT ALL!  Did you carry them for nine months?  Did you lay down with me and help create them? Were you there in the delivery room when I had them?  Where were you when I was up all fucking night changing diapers and doing feedings??  Huh?  You were living your merry little life not knowing or caring that I was even alive.  Not caring or knowing that they were alive so why the fuck do you want to look at me now that they're here and I feel like after twelve years I wanna go do something while they enjoy a little TV time at the house?

You know what?  I am a much better mother than some of these tricks out there.  I honestly know some tramps and skeezes that leave their children at like six and five at home with sesame street for a goddamn babysitter while they go have lives.  My kids are 13, 11, and 10.  They are old enough to watch themselves for a couple of hours, old enough not to burn down my fucking house and old enough to know how to dial a fucking phone should something go wrong.  They are much older than I was when I was a latch key kid.

I was a latch key kid at 8... In New fucking Jersey!  My kids are pre teen in West middle of Bumblefuck, North Carolina!  I came home to an empty house and let myself in and called my moms job and let them know I was home and I was fine.  My kids can come home and do the same damn thing.

Why am I so mad?  Fuck if I know.  I'm just tired of sitting home while everyone else has a life and don't fucking say, that's my fault cause that is just one fo the many things that it is not safe for you to say right now.

Like I said, this is one of those days that I just want to act like I'm on world's biggest rag.  I want to walk around like I;m fucking Atlas with the ever growing world on my shoulders and screaming one big Ghetto like "What the fuck you lookin; at, bitch?" to everyone that makes eye contact.

And I can do that.  Why can I do that?  Because I want to.

I told you it was a bad day.  And it is a bad day.

Recap!!

So the last I blogged, I think I was feeling like a speed bump in a truck parking lot... Well Thanksgiving went okay.  We didn't go to the parade because well, forty degree weather with a woman that seriously sounded like she was trying to pull her lungs out of her mouth, a.k.a. me.  It was just a bad thought all around and the very night before when I was on the phone with Mommy I had one hell of a coughing fit and she relented.  So no parade.  I promised her that next year I would not be sick so we would go.

So I took the turkey, the kabobs, and whatever else I needed to bring over to Mommy's place and we had a good time.  We ate, we talked, the kids got to watch television, it was all good.  I also made one of those promises to my mother that I really shouldn't have to make but I'm way glad I did... I promised her that Friday morning, I was going to get up and go to the ER.

Well if Thanksgiving night didn't prove to me how much I needed to go, nothing would.  I was up ALL NIGHT hacking and wheezing and when I finally got an hours sleep, I woke up suffocating because of my post nasal drip.  (They need to find a better description for that... that just sounds yucky) So Friday morning, around nine I just couldn't take it anymore and I hopped in the car and went to the ER.  Well first I went to Presbyterian but they have finished the ER entrance and I was directed to it but on the way a little voice inside my head said "Fool you have medicaid and they keep telling you to go to CMC, why not listen to the for once?"  So I went to CMC.

The waiting room was deserted and I got in quickly.  Now getting to see the DR.  That was an hour or so wait.  The ER had filled up by the time I got in there but it was no big deal they had QR codes everywhere and I had fun using my phone to try and read them, which BTW, while this is a great way to amuse yourself, their QR codes can only be read by their QR scanners.  So then I played cut the rope on my phone and when the battery started to die, I plugged it up and began to read.  Oh yes I come prepared with ish to do in the ER.  When you have been here as many times as I have, you learn to occpy yourself.

Aside note, on my way to the hospital I passed by my friendly local Occupy Charlotte camp and OMG.  Suffice to say I would have given up and gone home long LONG time ago.  A more unsanitary place I have yet to see.  It looked like the one camp ground on my old Girl Scout campground that we didn't use because it was just grody.  They have NO showers, NO toilets, and nowhere to dump the waste they have to get rid of when the local businesses deny them their bathrooms which they have already done.  The government buildings it seems can't deny them access to their bathrooms when they are open so they go there but on weekends and holidays the occupiers have to depend on the local business and they have decided an basic unanimous eff you and have ALL put up signs stating no business, no bathroom.  They said some of the campers do have money so they are okay but most do not  The camp just look disgusting.  I couldn't do it.

Okay back to me. So the Dr. finally comes in and she listens to me and looks at me and I tell her how I've been feeling and what I've been doing and she says I have bronchitis.  She prescribes me Prednisone (My head and heart dropped any asthmatic HATES being on this for any stretch of time), Claritin, Albuterol, a Z pack, and a cough medicine that makes me sleepy.  They gave me my first dose of everything right there in the ER which I didn't notice until much later, I felt better already.  Despite the fact that I had taken prednisone. She also gave me a list of Dr.'s that take medicaid.  So I'm feeling good, I have a lead on a Dr. and my mom is happy.  It's like the freaking trifecta and I'm loving it.

The only thing that could possibly make anything better right now is if I didn't have to be alone on Christmas.  I've sat here and thought about it and not one year, can I remember Randy being there at Christmas for the kids.  I mean he was certainly never there for me any day but you know, just once I think I would like to curl up with someone in front of the tree and see where it goes.  Maybe draw a hot steamy bath in my mega huge tub and play a little.  Hmmm....

I'm kinda at a conundrum because I really want a laptop for Christmas as well and I usually only harp on one thing to Santa... I think the man might just have to wait until next year because I really want the laptop that I know I'm not going to get.  I really really really want a laptop.  You have no idea how much...  Like five times more than I want a man, and that's saying something really major right there...

Eh, whatever... Well, happy Thanksgiving.  I hope it was happy for everyone.  Love you!

Mommying while sick...

is so not fun...  Not fun at all!

My magic bullet chopping blade is missing.  To be frank, since I have two magic bullets, two choppers and one mixer are missing and I have turned my kitchen literally upside down trying to find them.  They are no where.  In the process of looking however, I did find a few interesting things.

One of them being that my three kids have gone through 75 Capri Suns in 17 days.  Let's do some math, shall we?  Three kids times 1 Capri Sun five days a week. Three times 17 equals fifty one.  Minus about six or seven because two of those school days they didn't take juice because they were going to the dentist and one day, Olivia didn't go to school.  So in reality 44 juices should be gone or one BJ's pack plus four drinks from the first box of the second pack.  They have gone through 75 drinks.  In 17 days. 

I found about ten empty Capri Sun's behind the microwave.  A couple under the fridge, some under the toaster oven, and one or two behind the stove.  Part of me is wondering my my kids were sneaky enough to drink them but not get rid of the evidence in a more permanent way... like say oh... THROWING THEM OUT!

Seriously, my kids suck at espionage.  This is probably a good thing but they really suck.  Worse when they work separately they end up pointing the finger at each other and when they work together they still work separately and STILL end up getting each other in trouble...

I found nutri-grain bar wrappers under the sink, some in the fireplace in the living room and in a drawer.

What I don't get is how to get them to understand that they are stealing from themselves.  They aren't eating the food that I eat.  They aren't going and cooking things like whole chickens and eating them.  They aren't making cakes and devouring them before I even know the cake mix is missing.  They aren't hurting me in any way and I can't get them to understand that.

I think this is a desperate out cry for attention and frankly, they've won.  But not the way they think they have.

I took the capri sun's away so that now they have to drink water from the water fountain at school.  I have also called the school and asked them to block drink purchases during lunch.  The nutri grain bars I am leaving where they are only because when they finish them, I will simply not buy anymore.

We have also started a new world order.  They, and by they I mean Jovaughn, broke the dishwasher so now dishes have to be done by hand.  This works because I also have taken on the task of teaching them that as sisters and brother, they need to learn to work together and get along, So I put all three of them in the kitchen.  I then informed them that they were to make my kitchen spotless and if I found anything wrong, all three of them would catch it on their butts.  This went for the floor, the stove, and the dishes.

OMG bloggers. for the first time since I assigned this task to the boy, I have clean dishes.  I mean clean like I'm not afraid to drink out of the cups or eat off the plates.  For the first time in a long time, I do not live in fear of catching E coli from my very own dishes.  It's freaking awesome.  And even though it took them two hours past their bedtime to achieve this, my kitchen was clean and best of all, there was no fighting.  None.  none at all.  It was like... like... awesome.  Three kids stuck in a kitchen under the threat of being whooped until hell froze over and no fighting...

I have told them that they are each responsible for every room they live in this house.  So when it comes time to clean the bedrooms everyone will be in one room.  The boy will help clean the girls room and the girls will help clean the boys room and the bathroom will be done communally.   There will be no playing outside, no cable tv.  And no wii until they learn that one, they must work together, two my blades for my magic bullet are found, and they learn how to clean.  They will be their own best friends.

Oy!  This is going to take forever.  Doing it sick is no picnic either but I will prevail.

Can someone pass me a dayquil??

Hehe so...

I was kinda harsh to the men out there in blog land last night... I kinda apologize.  Kinda.  Sorta... uhm will you take me batting my eyes as a good enough pretend sorry??

No, really.  I am sorry for calling ya'll pussies.  That was a bit on the harsh side.

But dammit I am upset about today's men.  Can one of ya'll step up and finally tell a woman what you are looking for?  Do you even know?  Cause uh, I am not the only one out here trying to snag a man and coming up with not even water.

So how many of you have been told the "There's other fish in the sea" line?  Where?  What sea?  Can I get a fishing rod and some bait please??  Cause the waters here in Charlotte only differ from New Jersey's waters because the men here have more class than to get piss drunk and throw lines like "Did it hurt when you fell from heaven?" out at the ladies.

Speaking of ladies, you all know that that whole Lady in the streets but a freak in the bed means you might have to take us to bed to find out if we hold to that, right?  I'm about done playing the lady.  I've been playing the lady so damn long I feel like Susan Lucci before they finally gave that woman the Emmy.  Dammit I want my Emmy, my Oscar, my whoever.

I just... I just want to give up.  I want to just throw in the towel like I said I would do at 32 and be done. 

Not to sound like I'm lowering myself in anyway, I am even willing to go back and be with a military man.  I mean the military wasn't my issue when I was married, It was my service member.  He was the one that did me dirty.  Not the military.  I think I would like a military man.  They have a structure about them that kinda matches my own. Of course that might be because my sense of structure comes from being a Military wife.  It took me a few years but I learned when to keep my mouth shut and nod n smile.  Or at least not let them see that I was holding up a certain finger in response to something I was told to do. :-D

Ah, whatever...

So today is my daughter, Kayla Grace's eleventh birthday.  That's right, she's turned eleven on the the eleventh hour or the eleventh day of the eleventh month of the eleventh year!  Isn't that awesome??  They announced her name on the news and everything.  Even had her picture.  I am going over Patty's house tomorrow to record it off her tv with my phone and then I can put it up on Facebook or something to show everyone!  She was at my mothers house for a sleep over but she got up to see it and was soo excited.  I'm happy for her.  I love it when my kids are happy.

So refer back to the blog on the 11th of November last year.  You know that Kayla's birthdays are always a little bit extra special to me because it's God's reminder to me that he giveth and taketh away life.  The woman that came in in distressed labor as I was supposed to go in lost her baby and a little part of me can't help but think that If she had not come in and I had gone would the Angel of death have taken my child?  I honestly don't think there would be a Livy if I had lost Kayla.  I tend to take the bad things in my lief and chew on them for a long time.  Losing a child would have been something I was still chewing on eleven years later.

I'm going to go pop in a movie and sit on my bed and alternately watch it and read my book.  All of my movies I've seen before and I've read this book at least three times before but I'm like that.  I do that alot.

So goodnight.  Enjoy the rest of your Veterans day.  I hope all the soldiers/sailors out there had a good time.  I hope you aren't like my ex who takes his military ID and goes to every single restaurant he can just to get the free appetizer and then bounces! LOL

Good night!

I'm not feeling like a lady

because I have another of my famous migraines.  If I didn't hate them before, I hate them now.  No that's not true... I have always hated my migraines.  Ever since one hit me like a brick in the head during sex.  I think that was when I officially began hating migraines.  I mean ruining sex is a good enough reason to hate anything or anyone.

So I got a message on facebook the other day telling me that I shouldn't blog about how desperate for a man I am.  That it makes me look cheap and like I would take anyone that came along.

Do we really need to go thrugh this again people?  Really?

 MY BLOG!  I don't know how many more languages I need to say it in, if you don't like what you read close the window!  You all get mad if I say on Facebook how lonely I am, you get pissy if I tweet about how lonely I am, What the eff more do you want? 

I'm not altering my blog for people who act like I'm holding their eyes open with toothpicks and forcing them to read.

I mean I'm lonely.  I have no one that loves me the way that I want to be loved.  I want to be with someone.  I see my friends in their gushy sappy sweet moments and after I laugh and or gag, I want to curl up in a corner and cry.  I don't deserve that.  No one does.  I don't care what they've done in their lives, No one deserves to be forced to live out life alone.

I have theories why people like me are alone.

1. All the real men are taken.  Sounds trite but I think it's the truth.  The real men out there are doing right by their women and their women are smart enough to know that if they let the man go they will be screwed.

2. The men left are afraid of women with children.  I mean seriously??  How much of a pussy do you have to be to be afraid of committing to a woman with children.  Unless she outright says to you that she is looking for someone to support her and her children, here's a clue:  She was raising the kids before you, so she can raise the kids without you.  Stop looking at what came out of her and see her. 

3. The ones that aren't afraid of the women with children don't want to be involved with someone else's family.  I got nothing on that one.  Except to say nigra, stop being a pussy.  If you use that as an excuse, you deserve both Nigra and pussy.  Each alone is bad but to be both, you need to go stand in the corner with a big bright target on.

4. A thick woman turns them off.  Again, if this describes you, go stand in the corner.  You cannot be helped.  A thick woman most of the time means that girlfriend can throw down in the kitchen.  The common misconception is that she can eat and only that.  If she can eat, she can most likely cook.  If she can cook, chances are, she loves to cook for people.   How is this a potential downfall.  Fellas really!  If girlfriend is willing to step up to the stove to feed you why the hell are you running away?  Again, go stand in the corner.  He's a flashing light to keep you busy.

5.  Back to the kids thing... they want women that will give them mini versions of themselves.  But you don't want the woman.  He's a sig flashing light.  Why dont you go stand at the airport and guide the planes in?  Go on honey...

If there are anymore reasons that you all can think of, please enlighten me.  Because all the guys that I have even thought about any kind of anything with, ended up with stick figures or women with no kids. 

If that's what men want, I'm screwed.

Ugh... my migraine is kicking my ass... Drinking the water to take my aleve about near killed me...  I'm going to call it a night...