Hehe You're going to laugh at me but...

Okay so you know... and you all SHOULD know by now that my birthday is September 16th.  Not a cusp baby but close enough to Libra that I can see it very clearly.  Nevertheless, I am a Virgo.

First off the general description for Virgos is bossy, neat freak.  Seriously... Those of you that know me... really??? Am I bossy?  Am I neat freak?  No.

Most days if I bother to look up my horoscope Libra actually pins me better than the Virgo.  It really does.  Not to say that some days Virgo doesn't peg me on every part than can be pegged.  It's something I've actually learned to live with the fact that the the stars overshadow the earth and my dute date is where my horoscope is the safest.

Don't get me wrong, like I said, sometimes Virgo is the actual horoscope that works for me.

But you know what always knocks me for a loops and I can't hang on and smile because I'm pulled in two directions?  That would be when , the exceptionally rare moments, when my due date and my birthdate come together and BOTH horoscopes can describe me.

Today is one of those days.

Here is LIbra's horoscope for 12-31-11:

It's annoying if someone makes a promise and then doesn't follow through by delivering the goods. It's not as if you coerced anyone into doing something for you; chances are others just arrive out of the blue and offer to help. Nevertheless, it's never a good idea to become overly dependent on anyone else. Even if you are left in the lurch, just get on with your original plans without wasting time playing the blame game.

I can' describe how this applies to me but it does...  Here's Virgo for the same day...:

All of your relationships could seem complicated these days and you might choose to avoid interpersonal entanglements as much as you can. Sharing your feelings may not sound safe now, but the emotional roller coaster should start to smooth out in the next day or so. Meanwhile, you may be more dependent on others than you are willing to admit. Acknowledge your desires without making anyone else responsible for your satisfaction. Your radical honesty could defuse a tricky situation.

Seriously??  Both of them talking about how I'm dependant on other?  My relationships being complicated??  People arriving out of the blue...

Very funny cosmos...  I like a good joke but can we go back to the days when it's one or the other?


ROFL!!! I think I might just be cosmically screwed but here's how I am choosing to look at it:


...at least I'm getting screwed!! 

ROFL!!


Happy New Year Bloggers!!!!

A final thought before my kids and I disapear into Xboxland...

This was a god Christmas, you guys.  I didn't have much money but I managed to get my mom, ,y son, and my girls gifts that they really really wanted.  My mom got the small crock pot she's been wanting for months, my daughters got their very own alarm clock, and my son got a real football.

Church was good.  Okay so I kinda fell asleep and when I wasn't asleep I was messing with someone but it was all good.  The sermon was about Jesus and Facebook.  Yeah, Facebook!  My pastor has it going on... He's in the now! LOL...  We sat in the middle of the church today and truth be told, I kinda like that spot better.  I can see more and I'm not behind the great Farter.  No seriously, the lady that sits in front of us, is on one of those medications that make he pass gas.  She apparently can't smell them or feel them but OMG everyone else around her does.  It's all good.  I hide out in the nursery when her meds kick in.  LOL.

Dinner was good.  I made two chickens... one with the basic spices and one that I experimented on.  That one was good.  Very good actually.  I kinda wish I remembered everything I used.... I know there was coriander, and pink salt, and pepper, and... that's kinda all I remember but I know there was more...

And Bloggers, My mom got me a new leather coat!!!  I can't stop talking about this thing, it's warm, and it's longish and it smells like brand new leather, and... and... IT"S AWESOME!!!!  I also got a new purse and a griddle!  I can make real pancakes for the kids now!

And then the itis hit and I slept for an hour and spent another half trying to recover from my power nap...  Hehe.

Remember the old Cosby show and Rudy and her kisses?  She called them Blurberts.  Yeah I gave all my kids those.  We had fun and then we watched a Hallmark channel movie called A  Dong Named Christmas which was absolutely boring last week when it came on but utterly fantastic tonight!  Don't even want to know how that works...

Then on the ride home, my kids, who are blissfully innocent at times so much that it almost scares me, reminded me that yesterday would have been my 14th wedding anniversary.  I think in the back of my mind I may have remembered that yesterday.  I was in a bit of a funk but was otherwise okay.  Ah well, Like I have said many many many times before, it just wasn't in the cards for me to be married I guess.  I'm still waiting for Fate to prove me wrong on that but she seems pretty content to let me think I'm right.  At least about the married part.  At least she's proving me wrong on the alone part.

So all in all, this was a good Christmas.  Much better than some.  I hope that everyone out there in Cyberspace had a good Christmas or what...? Fifth day of Hanukkah?  Mazel Tov and Shalom (The only two real words I know in Hebrew) if you are Jewish and Merry Christmas if you celebrate it!!

Ciao!!!

So I said it was another blog... Warning this *may* include a small rant...

So this summer I hooked up with a guy... 

He was supposed to be a one night of fun.  I understood that and for maybe the first time I was fine with that.  Then that turned into two nights and then a date.  It all happened very quickly and the daily texting really didn't help keep the pretense of no strings at all.  I think the clencher was the bringing home of my kids.  He said it meant nothing to him that I had children, something that was probably the third or fourth thing out of my mouth, but when it came down to taking me out when I had my kids in residence or coming over when they had turned in for the night seemed to present a problem for him. 


He did make one more attempt after about a month or more of on an off again flirting and we went to see a movie.  That very day it hit the great social stream that he was in a relationship with someone. 


Against all my guarding and plotting to keep my heart out of it, I have to admit, it hurt.  Like almost a physical hurt.  I couldn't believe how much the one announcement that he didn't even make hurt..... It was like a kick to the chest.  But I rallied up and shored myself to forget about him and just plod on.  The little bit of him that I had, was fun.  I won't lie. And for awhile, I refused to let go.  I initiated every text, I hung on the replies like they met something and then when I got the promise of an outing to see a much prized movie, I was over the moon.


I put off the one opportunity I had to go see it on my own because he was going to take me.  I refused to let anyone tell me anything about the movie because he was going to take me.  And then he said he couldn't go.  And I was crushed.


And the opportunity to go on my own never came up again and I got a little pissed off....


But I have shored myself up to a point that I can finally make it through a whole day without thinking about him.  I haven't made it to the actual point of unfriending him from Facebook but that is the least of my issues because one, he's not a big poster and two he rarely posts anything on my wall.  I have taken his text stream and banished it to my privacy box where I don't have to see it everytime I open my messing menu and I no longer worry that my phone is completely charged so that I don't miss a maybe text from him.

I still have a little bit of angst about it all though, don't get me wrong.  I mean, why do guys always want the woman that has kids to be the on the side chick?

I have a theory about that as well...

Guys think that women with kids and no man in the immediate picture are looking for a daddy for their kids.  Mostly black guys have this issue... I don't see many white guys that have this issue to be honest so I think I am fully justified when I rebuttal with, "Negro, I didn't need you to have my kids and I don't need you to maintain my household so what make you think that maybe, just maybe you weren't intended to be something that was just for me?  My kids have a father.  He may not be there as often as I like but they have a daddy. and just so that you know, if a woman asks you to be a role model to her son, that's a good ting!  It basically means that she thinks that you have good moral character and she wants her child to learn from you."

Men that get scared and run away when presented with the woman in their life's kids are all too common now a days.  It's sad, but they are.  It's like men today don't want to deal with any kind of baggage with women.  Never mind the ones that have kids of their own... It's other people's kids that scare them.   They act like all women want their baggage.  

But whatever.  They aren't real men to me.

The great wall of distrust...

I have this theory that one day, the great wall of distrust is going to be one of those wonders of the world that you can see from space.  There's just going to be so many bricks added to it that one day the collective distrust of women everywhere is going to be viewable from space and no man on earth is going to be able to mount it. 

That's not to say that men don't have their wall of distrust.  I personally think that women who abuse the trust of men only do it because sometime in their life a man abused their trust.  Okay some of those women.  Some women are just hoochie bitches.

I only know that my portion of the Great Women's Wall of Distrust is pretty significant.  It spans years...

First my Dad.  Not saying he wasn't there.  For some of my youth, he was there.  But he left.  And after he left he wasn't there.  I have some really awesome memories of being with my dad.  He was awesome when he was there but it was the times that he wasn't there, the times when he didn't show, the times that he didn't call, and the times when he put his step children above me that made me think that men that can walk away from their children like that, are just awful.

Then there was an incident in High School that was enough to make me think that teenage boys are scum.

Then there was the jackass that raped me in college... And the powers that be that declared it was not rape but in fact me just changing my mind about a sexual encounter as all college women are apt to do... Forgive me my scoff...

Then there was the ex who needless to say destroyed about 90% of the trust I had left.  He didn't really try, he was just himself and that's what hurt.  I mean at some point he did actually try to hurt me but he mostly destroyed the trust and added bricks to the wall on his own, just being himself.


Recently another male has added bricks to the wall but not really enough that I should count him amongst the actual mass of the wall...

But that's a whole nother blog...

So,a new guy has helped alot with that.  He may help take some bricks out of the great wall of distrust actually.  We will see.  Only time will tell...

But yeah... I just have that theory that one day the collective distrust of women everywhere will create an actual wall that can be seen from space.  Thoughts?

I'm done! Check please!

Okay, I have officially had it!

First I got a wild hair up my butt to go re arrange the kids rooms this morning and moved furniture and found months of trash, and in Jovaughn's case chicken bones, cupcake wrappers, and something that I'm pretty sure used to be food but is now bio hazard material. (He didn't even bother to conceal the crumbs from the chicken he snuck up to his room last night)  I also found mouse dropping which means that little Mickey found his way upstairs before he found his way outside.

Then I got out to get the stuff to fix my ottoman that the kids broke and my phone starts doing the reset and reboot thing (This is after I had to have Verizon reprogram it this morning because I haven't been able to make a phone call since yesterday afternoon.)  In one of it's reboots, it erased EVERYTHING off of my screens.  No widgets, no apps, nothing just blank screens. 

Get home and my neighbors kids who have lent my kids MarioKart and a controller while they wait for their Gran to replace the Wii that got stolen from them have basically decided that since their stuff is at my house they can sit and play on my television ALL DAMN AFTERNOON and get all pissy when I explain that my kids are in trouble.  Had the nerve to ask if they could come in and play Wii without my kids...

But wait, gets better, now I'm sitting here putting the widgets and whatnot back on my screens and there are widgets missing.  Can't access the clock anymore, it's gone so no alarm.  Can't do twitter anymore... It's gone.  Haven't figured out what else is gone but lemme tell you if I have to call Damn Verizon ONE MORE TIME, those fuckers are going to GIVE me the incredible 2 for free just to shut me the hell up.

Seriously?!? I didn't have this much bullshit in my life when my ex-husband was sleeping with the horse and treating me like medical waste.  What the eff?  Why is my life suddenly acting like I'm the effing enemy??? 

Could my life at least let me have a man before it tries to fuck me over like this? 

ARG!!!

Cracked the code.. says I!

I have figured it out! 

Verizon is employed by a bunch of ruthless crooks.  There is simply no denying it anymore.  It has been staring me in the face for months but I just refused to believe it but now I can't ignore it anymore.  They are a bunch of filthy dirty crooks.

So I recently had to have my Droid Incredible replaced, right.  I had to have this happen when I first got it from Randy early this year.  They sent me one but it was so jacked up that it wouldn't go past the HTC screen.  With a hard reboot, it made it as far as the red screen with the automated alien voice saying "Droid!" but then it would reboot again.  So I had to send that one back.  They then sent the Droid 1 that I had already traded up from and then had to resend out another incredible.  This one worked and is the one that I have been using for these last few months.

Then they did away with the unlimited data plan for $30.  They were losing mucho dinero on this one because people like me use their phones as the mini computers they are meant to be and eat up data like it's being served at the last supper. They now have one that comes close to what I have for $40.  But there's a loophole.  As long as you have a smartphone attached to this plan they cannot take it away from you. 

So I had to call about my Droid incredible because the power port was loose and it was a crapshot as to whether it would fully charge or not each night (not that it stays charged for long, the battery itself is getting old and dumb) So they sent out a new one and last night as I sit here playing with it, it started to do random reboots.  I called Verizon and they said it was one of my apps and it was best to factory reset it and start from scratch.

Now I just spent about two hours or more redoing the damn thing to the way I like my phone and they want me to factory reset it and start from scratch??  I don't think so.  Dette is going to wait out the temper tantrum thank you very much.

Well this afternoon, Mr. Droid Incredible (And let's face it, anything that boasts that it's incredible and clearly is not, has to be male.) decided eff you, I am going to win this round and you will factory reset me regardless of what you want.  I am Mr. Incredible, hear me whine.  And it rebooted itself over and over and over for two damn hours before I even got pissed anough to take the battery out.  When i put it back in to try and factory reset, the result was that it said  it was doing it but then farted around and did it over and over and over for another hour.  Finally though I won out and it factory reset.  So here I sit trying to set it up, again.

But phooey on Verizon because until this one stays on for two consecutive days, I am not sending my old one back. 

See the thing about the unlimited plan is like I said, they are loosing mucho dinero on it and they figure if they send you a crap phone, you're going to trust them and send back your old one right away and then find that you are stuck with the crapper.  You will soon find that you have to send that one back as well or do one of two things.  One being activate an old phone you have lying around that is probably not a smart phone thereby loosing your unlimited data plan, or two stick out like the stubborn cow I am and just not have a working phone for up to three days four if it's a holiday weekend, five if the holiday falls on Monday of Friday, but still have the smartphone attached to the plan.

I am a stubborn fucking cow.  You should know this about me up front.  Damn them I will go without a phone for two damn days. 

Just don't expect me to be completely sane by the time the new one gets here.  Expect me to be sitting in a corner rocking or running around shouting statuses in people's face's screaming can you like me??  Can you like my status??

But there you go.  Verizon is staffed by sheisty people, plain and simple and I am just as stubborn as they are and refuse to quit.  One will emerge victorious.  It will most likely be them but dammit, I'm going to give them a good freaking fight! 

By the way since the last factory reset, this phone has shut off once.  I like that.  It means I win this round. 

Now to set up my Handcent, again I really should pay for the actual service so I can back it up and don't have to do it so much. 

Le Sigh!

Laters!

Second Thoughts...

I'm having second thoughts about going back on behavioral medications.

See, people that I've met in the past four to five years know me as I am now.  I don't know what they are going to put me on but based on my past history with behavioral drugs, that will change.  It's not a suspicion, that's a fact.

When Olivia was a few months old, I had a manic breakdown.  I had three children in diapers and my husband was off to sea.  My neighbor noticed that I hadn't come outside in a couple of days and very nicely came over to see if I was okay because as a fellow navy wife in the springtime it's a common thing to want to have your children out in the fresh air as much as possible and she hadn't seen me outside letting my kids run.  It's a bit fuzzy and by fuzzy I mean I'm trying hard to reconcile what I DO remember with the description of how they found me.

See I remember Demetria just walking in the front door and picking up the kids and taking me to her house and from there blank until I woke up in the hospital.  The description of how they found me through their eyes is a little bit different.  Demetria said that she hadn't seen me outside so she came to knock on the door and when I didn't answer she tried the knob.  She says she found me in the kitchen in the corner curled up screaming to God what had I done to deserve this life.  She then claims that she and her sister took my kids and me to her house where she gave me a drink as it was the only way to calm me down.  She says that she then she called the ombudsman of my ship who came over and made the decision to call the hospital who made the decision to keep me.  All of this was done while I was knocked out from whatever drink she gave me.

Like I said.  Fuzzy.  And I'm not altogether sure which parts are true to word and which parts are true to word and which parts are exaggerated.  I mean I can see that maybe I would have a breakdown like that in front of my kids but I generally have a fail safe switch that goes off in my head that keeps me from letting that final thread snap in front of them.  But at the same time even I know that one can't control when that crucial thread just ignores your best efforts and snaps anyway.

Whatever. The point is that that episode landed me in the mental ward of a military hospital for a couple of days and on behavior modification drugs for some years afterwards.

The first one I was on was Depacote.  Big and orange.  That one was definitely not a good fit.  I was holding Olivia one night and I stood at the top of the stairs and wondered what would happen if I just stepped off.  While I was holding my infant daughter. I don't know what snapped me out of the thought but I remember having the thought.  I told the doctor this thought and he agreed that I needed to try a different med.

The second one was a small white pill.  That one spaced me into zombie territory.  According to Randy, I sat in the car one long ride home from the North and I started counting.  He says he asked me what I was counting and I replied cars.  Not red ones.  Not blue ones.  Not caddies. Not Toyotas.  Just cars.  I don;t know who decided that wasn't a good med I just know I was taken off it.

Skip a few years and picture me trying very hard to fit in with the mainstream and feeling like the salmon in a river full of trout.  Something made me want to buck the system and swim upsteam regardless of what I should have been doing.  It didn't work.  I cried most nights and worked so hard at keeping my mouth shut during the day that I gave myself migraines.

Then I started drinking.  A lot.

A lot of fights later and a suicide attempt, I found that you can only fool people for so long before the truth comes out.

Once again, navy doctors put me on a med.  Zoloft to be exact.  This one wasn't so bad, to tell the truth.  I was kinda level on it. 

But in true Claudette style, with the final crumble of my marriage, I decided, without the husband who in my mind equaled the stress, I didn't need the stress meds.

To be completely honest, I don't think I've done bad all these five years without the medication but like I said.  You can on'y fool the crowd for so long and a big breakdown is coming.  I know it.  I feel it like a storm coming up.

So even though I'm having second and third thoughts about going back on behavioral medications, I'm going to do it if that's what they want me to do.

Hmmm...


Make that second, third fourth, and fifth thoughts...

Cold, cold morning

So this morning actually started off okay.  No real complaints... I got the.kids off and sat and drank my iced coffee... I need to lay off those things... My back hurts a lot which means I've gained weight and I doubt the fraps are helping me in that quarter...

So after I got dressed I left the house only to find my son and his friends STILL standing out at the bus stop.  Keep in mind that he has now been outside an hour.  And is cold.  Like frost still clinging to the ground cold.  So of course I'm a little miffed.  I called the bus home office...again... And they told me that she is usually on time.  I didn't have to tell the woman that this wasn't true because I had her on speaker and about six kids all yelled "bullshit!" Into my window.  She has.been consistantly late for three months now almost to the point that they rarely get to school on time.  The lady said shed fix this and since I was already late to my appointment I had no choice but to drive on.

I get the the office and this woman... I wanna call her a drifted or hungover or still drunk but Idk... She wants to have an effing family reunion in the parking lot holding everyone up... Got past that, got in and registered and now I'm waiting to see the Dr.

I swear today is a day that the devil will not prevail.  I will make this a good day.

That being said, I may need to blog later. :-D

Happy morning bloggies!!

Grrr... Changing my phone number

I have never been one of those people that does well with change.  I can take it in stride to a good point ut it's the little things that piss me off about change... like all of it.

I didn't do well moving here.  When I had to go over a month with no fridge and no stove I didn't handle it well.  When my kids were still sleeping on air mattresses after five months, I admit it, I had a bit of a meltdown.  Okay, not a bit, more like a Mt. St. Helen's size but it's whatever.  They got mattresses and they got beds so we're all good.

When I got my cell number in July2010 I expected that even though Verizon says they don't recycle number less than 90 days young I would be getting calls for the previous owner for a few weeks.  Well a few weeks turned into a few months and then a few months turned into a year and that turned into sixteen months...

I weathered them all very well.  I explained to some people that she'd gotten rid of this number.  I explained to more people that she didn't have that number...  I explained to her gynecologists office that she didn't have this number.

I even told her bank when they called because she was over drawn...

And her best friend when she texted that I was invited to her birthday block party....

And her daughter when she texted me to tell me that I was going to be a grandmother...

To their credit, most of her callers are pleasant.  Even her texters are pleasant.  Every now and then I would get one that would be upset or angry but only twice have I gotten told off by one of her people.  Today was the final time.

The guy that called today informed me that he met Amanda (That her name) in the club this past Saturday night and this is the number she gave him.  He didn't know what game she and her girl were playing but the both of us could go to hell.  There were some other expletives in there that were colorful to say the least but I handled.  He may or may not be shitting bricks right now because after I ripped his asshole a few inches wider, I informed him that I had his number and knew that he was in Charlotte, NC and would be hearing from the police for harassment.

I then got on the phone and called Verizon.  I explained to the lady that I couldn't take anymore and as of the 5th I will have a new number.

So why is this so hard?  Because I have a memory like a sieve.  I'm serious.  Shit goes in and drips out like five seconds later ALL THE TIME.  I sent out like fifty texts announcing my number change and immediately had to redo the text because I got my own number wrong.  I mean damn...  On Monday I will have to call the trash people, the gas, the electric, the realtor, two kids schools, make sure my mom has it, the ex has it, the in laws have it...

Seriously guys, you know me... you know this is going to be bad for a few months...

Oh I totally forgot, there is actually a twist to this... Amanda called me a few months ago and told me outright that this was her business number and she was trying to tell everyone to stop calling and texting (This was after I got her news of impending grandmother hood before her) to stop but it might be a few days.  I was nice and said it was okay.  That's probably why I let this go on so long, I was under the impression that she was trying to get in contact with her people...

I can only pity the person that get my the 8470 number after I do.  There are some people that I am not giving the new number to only because I don't talk to them via text or phone and then some people that have been placed in the stalker bin but I just didn't bother changing my number. 

So as of the 5th, it's changed. 

This is going to give me a constant headache.  I know it will.  I can feel it coming.  It's going to take until Monday to get here but that Bastard is coming... Groan... Why can't people just do what they are supposed to do??  If you meet a guy in the club and don't want him to have your number just give him Jenny's number.  You seriously cannot go wrong with 867-5309...

Parents killing their kids...

I can say this probably because I'm done having children so I might be looking at this from a kinda warped point of view, but I really think the government should get involved with reproduction. 

We've all seen it in the sci fi movies and movies about what the future would/could be like...

Reproduction is handled by the government.  They give you the permission and they give you the means and so on.

I'm not sure how they would take away our God given right to reproduce but I really feel it should be done.

Why??

Because way too many unstable people are out there hving kids.

Everyday, you read about someone who left her kids in the bathtub to drown, or today i read about a woman that threw one child out of a window and was shot by police because she wouldn't stop stabbing her five year old.  What the fuck is going on with parents these days.

Don't get me wrong, I so fully understand SOME of the motivation it takes to want to do very bad things to kids sometimes.  Like when my kids eat ALL the food in the house without regard to maybe I'd like to eat to.  I want to rant and scream and throw things.  When my kids use the walls as poster and chalkboards I want to paint them into the wall.  But I never, repeat NEVER want to end their lives.  Not even the night that Jovaughn and Kayla went over the walls in Jovaughn's room with black sharpie and black crayon the night before my Navy move out inspection did I want to kill them.  Not when JOvaughn cut Kayla's hair so short the child looked like a little boy with a small fro for over a year did I want to kill him.  Do very bad things like spank until my hand bled, yes, wrap my hands around their throats until their lives subsided, HELL NO!

I honestly believe that if the government had some kind of control over breeding and reproduction things would be a lot different.  The screening process to be allowed to have a child would be worse than one to adopt a child today.  This being said, very few people would pass and I am going to include myself post marriage.  Pre marriage I probably still wouldn't have passed because it was all kind of idyllic to me but post marriage I wouldn't pass because I have some serious mental issues.

 This has got to stop.  Parents have to stop having mental breakdowns and hurting innocent children.  Okay so sometimes they act like the spawn of satan.  That doesn't mean you go build an alter of fire out back and give the kid back to the flames of hell.  It means you take a step back and breathe, and come at the kid from a different mental angle or if you can't.  You honestly can't, you need to at least try to hold on to the mental capacity big enough to go away. 


What can I say?  There's no right way to parent no matter how many women strap on a cardigan and a string of pearls and go on television and give you tips.  There's no right way to be a mom or dad, but there are a million wrong ways and there are people out there that are willing to help save your children from one of those wrong ways.  Take your kids to a neighbor!

If someone were to pull into my driveway and knock on my door and say "My kids are the spawn of Satan and I need you to take them away from me right now, I would ask for names, give you a crazy look while I'm dialing 911, get your kids situated and make sure that no one was in a position to get hurt.  Why?  Because I understand what it feels like to snap. 

Sigh... I've got nothing left.  I was probably going to go on for a while but the I went on Facebook and someone made me laugh and it was forgotten.

Sigh...

Family of teen struck by car on Lone Mountain Road speaks out - www.ktnv.com

Family of teen struck by car on Lone Mountain Road speaks out - www.ktnv.com

This is one of my best friend's daughter. Please pray for her. She needs every scrap of prayer that anyone can give. They also need donations, but Prayer is free. If you can't sent monetary help please please please send prayer!!!

So Hmmm...

I think I may be going through one of those manic moments where the need to put the thoughts out of my head may just have reached a crucial point.  I think I have a panic switch in my head and when the thoughts pile up enough to reach that level, a hatch just opens and they come pouring out.

Yes, I had a bad night last night but I have those periodically.  And yes last nights bad episode was triggered by the ex deliberately trying to hurt my big girl by means of scaring her ass off.  Like I said.  It may have just lost me a television, but the fact that my daughter can still cuddle up in her protection of Mommy fighting the monsters for a little longer made it well worth it.

So I've been watching my news feed very closely and I see all the posts that people think are slipping by without anyone noticing.  At least four people on my newsfeed in the past month have changed their status back to single or in a relationship.  One of them made it a point for me to know he was back to single.

Which I honestly don't understand.  If you know I am attracted to you and want to be with you, why make it a point to tell me that you're single just so that you can go back to ignoring me?  Do you know how much that hurts?

I'm tired of being relegated to the friend role.  I don't want to be your friend.  I want to be your girlfriend.  I feel like putting on a tight leather outfit and doing a rendition of Ashlee Simpson's Girlfriend. 

Just once, I think I'd like a man to have the balls to tell me to my face what is it about me that gets me tossed so summarily into the friend category every time.  But no, they make dates with you and don't show up. Or all they want is sex.  Or all they want is for you to do something for them.  Not that all of this is bad.  I would just like some reciprocation. 

I want to issue a challenge.  I want a guy out there who is not too wrapped up in himself pay me attention.  I want a guy to put himself to the side for just one stinking moment and at least try to see what a nice dateable person I am.

Oh who am i kidding?  It will never happen. Le Sigh...

So I may have pinpointed what triggered my bad mood...

Okay, who wants to take a guess??  Come on!!  Don't be skured, take a wild guess!

You there!  In the corner!  You with your hand up!  Yes you!  What's your guess?

That's right!!  Totally correct is the nice man with the millions of cats!!  It was the infamous ex!!

So suffice to say I think I totally fucked my chances of weasling a new television out him last night but it was so totally worth it that I would do it again on any damn day of the week.

So I think I may or may not have blogged that my oldest girl needs surgery to fix her eye muscles.  She has  one lazy eye that goes side to side and one lazy eye that goes up and down.  Yeah I know, This is bad eyesight inbreeding at it's best right here.  The girl who needed an upped eye glass prescription for most of her life married Mr. Frog eyes and this is the result.  Hehe sorry, having a bad day, the alliterations are not going to be nice.  They will be colorful but not nice.

Anyway the short of it is, I love my child more than life and air and water, but her eyes are fucked up and surgery will put her on the right path to getting non fucked up eyes.  I am totally fine with this so long as they don't blind my child.  Her father however is not fine with this because he, and I quote, has "lived his entire life in glasses and done just fine."

Do not even get me started.  You know how when you come out of a bad relationship and you look back and wonder if you were drunk the entire time?  Yeah that's me.  He had the potential to be a nice guy... sometimes... and he was an okay father... sometimes... but physically speaking I think he must have exuded this roofie aura cause the only way I can explain being physically attracted to him was if I was seriously strung out for the entire time I was with him.

Anyway, so last night he was speaking to the kids and he asked Kayla where her glasses were and she flat out admitted that she lost them.  He then had the audacity to tell her that if she didn't start wearing the glasses they were going to cut into her face.

Yes you read that so right... cut into her face...

I mean what the fuck??  Who the hell says that to a child???  I don't think she heard what he was saying because I was smart enough to know where he was going when the sentence started off with "Do you know what's going to happen if you don 't wear your glasses?"

Man bloggers, I lit into his ass.  Normally I say our children or your child or some version of possessiveness but last night the main line I kept screaming at him was that he was not going to do that to my daughter.  He was not going to scare my daughter.  I totally pulled the whoile mther lion whose cubs just got fucked with routine and you know what, I think I may have gotten through to him.

How can I tell?  Simple.  He was stuttering.  He only stutters when I have so totally blacked out on him that shit spewed out of my mouth that may or may not have made sense but definitely hurt.  This usually involves spews about his mother and so on.  I can't honestly tell you all the things that I said but I know that I screamed at him for over ten minutes and felt physically lighter when I was done.

I also had a great sense of loss for the flat screen television that I was trying to make him get for us...

Damn mouth... but it needed to be said.  Whatever I said.

So yeah, I think I have pinpointed why I want to run around screaming at everyone that makes eye contact with me...   Hmmm... That was easy... Everyone should have a blog.  It makes life a lot clearer.

You can come out now.  The sotrm is about over... I promise not to hurt the innocent ones anymore.

For the next few minutes anyway...

Insert really scary maniacal grin here...

Excuse me I need to have a mental breakdown day...

This is your disclaimer.  This is one of those foul mouth blogs that it would be better for you not to read if you have a sensitive stomach.  This is your first and last warning!

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I'm sorry, but this is going to be one of those days where I just am no good to anyone.  None at all.  I just want to run around and scream "Fuck you!" at anyone unfortunate enough to make eye contact with me.

I think everyone has those days, they're just too pussy to admit it.  Well, I'm admitting it.  I'm having one of those days and if you don't want to get your feelings hurt, DON'T READ!

I am so damn tired of people acting like I'm not allowed to have a life because I have kids. 

I will not sit around my house wasting away and waiting for shit to hit DVD because I couldn't get to the movies anymore.  I will not sit at home waiting for you to see if maybe I want to tag along.  Man fuck you!  I am not the third wheel on your fucked up ass tricycle!

My kids are not your responsibility.  AT ALL!  Did you carry them for nine months?  Did you lay down with me and help create them? Were you there in the delivery room when I had them?  Where were you when I was up all fucking night changing diapers and doing feedings??  Huh?  You were living your merry little life not knowing or caring that I was even alive.  Not caring or knowing that they were alive so why the fuck do you want to look at me now that they're here and I feel like after twelve years I wanna go do something while they enjoy a little TV time at the house?

You know what?  I am a much better mother than some of these tricks out there.  I honestly know some tramps and skeezes that leave their children at like six and five at home with sesame street for a goddamn babysitter while they go have lives.  My kids are 13, 11, and 10.  They are old enough to watch themselves for a couple of hours, old enough not to burn down my fucking house and old enough to know how to dial a fucking phone should something go wrong.  They are much older than I was when I was a latch key kid.

I was a latch key kid at 8... In New fucking Jersey!  My kids are pre teen in West middle of Bumblefuck, North Carolina!  I came home to an empty house and let myself in and called my moms job and let them know I was home and I was fine.  My kids can come home and do the same damn thing.

Why am I so mad?  Fuck if I know.  I'm just tired of sitting home while everyone else has a life and don't fucking say, that's my fault cause that is just one fo the many things that it is not safe for you to say right now.

Like I said, this is one of those days that I just want to act like I'm on world's biggest rag.  I want to walk around like I;m fucking Atlas with the ever growing world on my shoulders and screaming one big Ghetto like "What the fuck you lookin; at, bitch?" to everyone that makes eye contact.

And I can do that.  Why can I do that?  Because I want to.

I told you it was a bad day.  And it is a bad day.

Recap!!

So the last I blogged, I think I was feeling like a speed bump in a truck parking lot... Well Thanksgiving went okay.  We didn't go to the parade because well, forty degree weather with a woman that seriously sounded like she was trying to pull her lungs out of her mouth, a.k.a. me.  It was just a bad thought all around and the very night before when I was on the phone with Mommy I had one hell of a coughing fit and she relented.  So no parade.  I promised her that next year I would not be sick so we would go.

So I took the turkey, the kabobs, and whatever else I needed to bring over to Mommy's place and we had a good time.  We ate, we talked, the kids got to watch television, it was all good.  I also made one of those promises to my mother that I really shouldn't have to make but I'm way glad I did... I promised her that Friday morning, I was going to get up and go to the ER.

Well if Thanksgiving night didn't prove to me how much I needed to go, nothing would.  I was up ALL NIGHT hacking and wheezing and when I finally got an hours sleep, I woke up suffocating because of my post nasal drip.  (They need to find a better description for that... that just sounds yucky) So Friday morning, around nine I just couldn't take it anymore and I hopped in the car and went to the ER.  Well first I went to Presbyterian but they have finished the ER entrance and I was directed to it but on the way a little voice inside my head said "Fool you have medicaid and they keep telling you to go to CMC, why not listen to the for once?"  So I went to CMC.

The waiting room was deserted and I got in quickly.  Now getting to see the DR.  That was an hour or so wait.  The ER had filled up by the time I got in there but it was no big deal they had QR codes everywhere and I had fun using my phone to try and read them, which BTW, while this is a great way to amuse yourself, their QR codes can only be read by their QR scanners.  So then I played cut the rope on my phone and when the battery started to die, I plugged it up and began to read.  Oh yes I come prepared with ish to do in the ER.  When you have been here as many times as I have, you learn to occpy yourself.

Aside note, on my way to the hospital I passed by my friendly local Occupy Charlotte camp and OMG.  Suffice to say I would have given up and gone home long LONG time ago.  A more unsanitary place I have yet to see.  It looked like the one camp ground on my old Girl Scout campground that we didn't use because it was just grody.  They have NO showers, NO toilets, and nowhere to dump the waste they have to get rid of when the local businesses deny them their bathrooms which they have already done.  The government buildings it seems can't deny them access to their bathrooms when they are open so they go there but on weekends and holidays the occupiers have to depend on the local business and they have decided an basic unanimous eff you and have ALL put up signs stating no business, no bathroom.  They said some of the campers do have money so they are okay but most do not  The camp just look disgusting.  I couldn't do it.

Okay back to me. So the Dr. finally comes in and she listens to me and looks at me and I tell her how I've been feeling and what I've been doing and she says I have bronchitis.  She prescribes me Prednisone (My head and heart dropped any asthmatic HATES being on this for any stretch of time), Claritin, Albuterol, a Z pack, and a cough medicine that makes me sleepy.  They gave me my first dose of everything right there in the ER which I didn't notice until much later, I felt better already.  Despite the fact that I had taken prednisone. She also gave me a list of Dr.'s that take medicaid.  So I'm feeling good, I have a lead on a Dr. and my mom is happy.  It's like the freaking trifecta and I'm loving it.

The only thing that could possibly make anything better right now is if I didn't have to be alone on Christmas.  I've sat here and thought about it and not one year, can I remember Randy being there at Christmas for the kids.  I mean he was certainly never there for me any day but you know, just once I think I would like to curl up with someone in front of the tree and see where it goes.  Maybe draw a hot steamy bath in my mega huge tub and play a little.  Hmmm....

I'm kinda at a conundrum because I really want a laptop for Christmas as well and I usually only harp on one thing to Santa... I think the man might just have to wait until next year because I really want the laptop that I know I'm not going to get.  I really really really want a laptop.  You have no idea how much...  Like five times more than I want a man, and that's saying something really major right there...

Eh, whatever... Well, happy Thanksgiving.  I hope it was happy for everyone.  Love you!

Mommying while sick...

is so not fun...  Not fun at all!

My magic bullet chopping blade is missing.  To be frank, since I have two magic bullets, two choppers and one mixer are missing and I have turned my kitchen literally upside down trying to find them.  They are no where.  In the process of looking however, I did find a few interesting things.

One of them being that my three kids have gone through 75 Capri Suns in 17 days.  Let's do some math, shall we?  Three kids times 1 Capri Sun five days a week. Three times 17 equals fifty one.  Minus about six or seven because two of those school days they didn't take juice because they were going to the dentist and one day, Olivia didn't go to school.  So in reality 44 juices should be gone or one BJ's pack plus four drinks from the first box of the second pack.  They have gone through 75 drinks.  In 17 days. 

I found about ten empty Capri Sun's behind the microwave.  A couple under the fridge, some under the toaster oven, and one or two behind the stove.  Part of me is wondering my my kids were sneaky enough to drink them but not get rid of the evidence in a more permanent way... like say oh... THROWING THEM OUT!

Seriously, my kids suck at espionage.  This is probably a good thing but they really suck.  Worse when they work separately they end up pointing the finger at each other and when they work together they still work separately and STILL end up getting each other in trouble...

I found nutri-grain bar wrappers under the sink, some in the fireplace in the living room and in a drawer.

What I don't get is how to get them to understand that they are stealing from themselves.  They aren't eating the food that I eat.  They aren't going and cooking things like whole chickens and eating them.  They aren't making cakes and devouring them before I even know the cake mix is missing.  They aren't hurting me in any way and I can't get them to understand that.

I think this is a desperate out cry for attention and frankly, they've won.  But not the way they think they have.

I took the capri sun's away so that now they have to drink water from the water fountain at school.  I have also called the school and asked them to block drink purchases during lunch.  The nutri grain bars I am leaving where they are only because when they finish them, I will simply not buy anymore.

We have also started a new world order.  They, and by they I mean Jovaughn, broke the dishwasher so now dishes have to be done by hand.  This works because I also have taken on the task of teaching them that as sisters and brother, they need to learn to work together and get along, So I put all three of them in the kitchen.  I then informed them that they were to make my kitchen spotless and if I found anything wrong, all three of them would catch it on their butts.  This went for the floor, the stove, and the dishes.

OMG bloggers. for the first time since I assigned this task to the boy, I have clean dishes.  I mean clean like I'm not afraid to drink out of the cups or eat off the plates.  For the first time in a long time, I do not live in fear of catching E coli from my very own dishes.  It's freaking awesome.  And even though it took them two hours past their bedtime to achieve this, my kitchen was clean and best of all, there was no fighting.  None.  none at all.  It was like... like... awesome.  Three kids stuck in a kitchen under the threat of being whooped until hell froze over and no fighting...

I have told them that they are each responsible for every room they live in this house.  So when it comes time to clean the bedrooms everyone will be in one room.  The boy will help clean the girls room and the girls will help clean the boys room and the bathroom will be done communally.   There will be no playing outside, no cable tv.  And no wii until they learn that one, they must work together, two my blades for my magic bullet are found, and they learn how to clean.  They will be their own best friends.

Oy!  This is going to take forever.  Doing it sick is no picnic either but I will prevail.

Can someone pass me a dayquil??

Hehe so...

I was kinda harsh to the men out there in blog land last night... I kinda apologize.  Kinda.  Sorta... uhm will you take me batting my eyes as a good enough pretend sorry??

No, really.  I am sorry for calling ya'll pussies.  That was a bit on the harsh side.

But dammit I am upset about today's men.  Can one of ya'll step up and finally tell a woman what you are looking for?  Do you even know?  Cause uh, I am not the only one out here trying to snag a man and coming up with not even water.

So how many of you have been told the "There's other fish in the sea" line?  Where?  What sea?  Can I get a fishing rod and some bait please??  Cause the waters here in Charlotte only differ from New Jersey's waters because the men here have more class than to get piss drunk and throw lines like "Did it hurt when you fell from heaven?" out at the ladies.

Speaking of ladies, you all know that that whole Lady in the streets but a freak in the bed means you might have to take us to bed to find out if we hold to that, right?  I'm about done playing the lady.  I've been playing the lady so damn long I feel like Susan Lucci before they finally gave that woman the Emmy.  Dammit I want my Emmy, my Oscar, my whoever.

I just... I just want to give up.  I want to just throw in the towel like I said I would do at 32 and be done. 

Not to sound like I'm lowering myself in anyway, I am even willing to go back and be with a military man.  I mean the military wasn't my issue when I was married, It was my service member.  He was the one that did me dirty.  Not the military.  I think I would like a military man.  They have a structure about them that kinda matches my own. Of course that might be because my sense of structure comes from being a Military wife.  It took me a few years but I learned when to keep my mouth shut and nod n smile.  Or at least not let them see that I was holding up a certain finger in response to something I was told to do. :-D

Ah, whatever...

So today is my daughter, Kayla Grace's eleventh birthday.  That's right, she's turned eleven on the the eleventh hour or the eleventh day of the eleventh month of the eleventh year!  Isn't that awesome??  They announced her name on the news and everything.  Even had her picture.  I am going over Patty's house tomorrow to record it off her tv with my phone and then I can put it up on Facebook or something to show everyone!  She was at my mothers house for a sleep over but she got up to see it and was soo excited.  I'm happy for her.  I love it when my kids are happy.

So refer back to the blog on the 11th of November last year.  You know that Kayla's birthdays are always a little bit extra special to me because it's God's reminder to me that he giveth and taketh away life.  The woman that came in in distressed labor as I was supposed to go in lost her baby and a little part of me can't help but think that If she had not come in and I had gone would the Angel of death have taken my child?  I honestly don't think there would be a Livy if I had lost Kayla.  I tend to take the bad things in my lief and chew on them for a long time.  Losing a child would have been something I was still chewing on eleven years later.

I'm going to go pop in a movie and sit on my bed and alternately watch it and read my book.  All of my movies I've seen before and I've read this book at least three times before but I'm like that.  I do that alot.

So goodnight.  Enjoy the rest of your Veterans day.  I hope all the soldiers/sailors out there had a good time.  I hope you aren't like my ex who takes his military ID and goes to every single restaurant he can just to get the free appetizer and then bounces! LOL

Good night!

I'm not feeling like a lady

because I have another of my famous migraines.  If I didn't hate them before, I hate them now.  No that's not true... I have always hated my migraines.  Ever since one hit me like a brick in the head during sex.  I think that was when I officially began hating migraines.  I mean ruining sex is a good enough reason to hate anything or anyone.

So I got a message on facebook the other day telling me that I shouldn't blog about how desperate for a man I am.  That it makes me look cheap and like I would take anyone that came along.

Do we really need to go thrugh this again people?  Really?

 MY BLOG!  I don't know how many more languages I need to say it in, if you don't like what you read close the window!  You all get mad if I say on Facebook how lonely I am, you get pissy if I tweet about how lonely I am, What the eff more do you want? 

I'm not altering my blog for people who act like I'm holding their eyes open with toothpicks and forcing them to read.

I mean I'm lonely.  I have no one that loves me the way that I want to be loved.  I want to be with someone.  I see my friends in their gushy sappy sweet moments and after I laugh and or gag, I want to curl up in a corner and cry.  I don't deserve that.  No one does.  I don't care what they've done in their lives, No one deserves to be forced to live out life alone.

I have theories why people like me are alone.

1. All the real men are taken.  Sounds trite but I think it's the truth.  The real men out there are doing right by their women and their women are smart enough to know that if they let the man go they will be screwed.

2. The men left are afraid of women with children.  I mean seriously??  How much of a pussy do you have to be to be afraid of committing to a woman with children.  Unless she outright says to you that she is looking for someone to support her and her children, here's a clue:  She was raising the kids before you, so she can raise the kids without you.  Stop looking at what came out of her and see her. 

3. The ones that aren't afraid of the women with children don't want to be involved with someone else's family.  I got nothing on that one.  Except to say nigra, stop being a pussy.  If you use that as an excuse, you deserve both Nigra and pussy.  Each alone is bad but to be both, you need to go stand in the corner with a big bright target on.

4. A thick woman turns them off.  Again, if this describes you, go stand in the corner.  You cannot be helped.  A thick woman most of the time means that girlfriend can throw down in the kitchen.  The common misconception is that she can eat and only that.  If she can eat, she can most likely cook.  If she can cook, chances are, she loves to cook for people.   How is this a potential downfall.  Fellas really!  If girlfriend is willing to step up to the stove to feed you why the hell are you running away?  Again, go stand in the corner.  He's a flashing light to keep you busy.

5.  Back to the kids thing... they want women that will give them mini versions of themselves.  But you don't want the woman.  He's a sig flashing light.  Why dont you go stand at the airport and guide the planes in?  Go on honey...

If there are anymore reasons that you all can think of, please enlighten me.  Because all the guys that I have even thought about any kind of anything with, ended up with stick figures or women with no kids. 

If that's what men want, I'm screwed.

Ugh... my migraine is kicking my ass... Drinking the water to take my aleve about near killed me...  I'm going to call it a night... 

What can I say?

I'm the person that no matter what time of the day, no matter how I am feeling, no matter if I really would rather not hear it, I'm going to listen to your problems.  I don't care if I have had such a hellish day that the Devil himself shakes his head and says, "Damn, kid.", I'm going to listen to your problems and never once say a word about my own unless you actually notice that quiver in my voice or notice that ninety percent of my answers are"...yeah" or "uh-huh."

Why?  Damned if I knew...  Well not damned.  IF I knew why I was world biggest doormat, I would be happy because then I could change it.  I could reach down deep inside and tell people that just once, just effing once, I'd like a conversation to be about me.

Because of my meltdown I have had three friends tell me that I made them feel shitty.  Hmmm... Yeah. I made THEM feel shitty because I never said a word about how I was feeling.  I kinda did but they weren't words that they could or did see.  My Facebook is my life.  I literally post everything there.  If I'm in a happy mood, my picture is usually of me smiling and my posts are of a happy nature.  If it's not a good day, I may or may not change my profile picture and my posts will be scarce or dark.  If it's a really bad day, there's bound to be a lot of cussing and putting down of other people. 

I don't speak up when I need that emotional lifejacket.  I don't know how to say it.  I don't know how to break into a conversation and say, "Hey, do me a favor and shut up so I can tell you about my day."  No.  I only know how to try to make you see that ish is bad for me right now and if I fail at that then I'll go n feeling ishy and like a big jackass for not speaking up.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not mad at the friends that told me that I made them feel shitty.  Well... no.  Nope.  I'm hurt that I in my infinite darkness and despair made them feel bad but To be fair, telling me that I made you feel bad when I'm feeling like the biggest nothing on the planet??? Wow.  That's just special.

So yeah... Like I said before, I'm pulling myself up and out of the hole.  At least I hope I am.  We'll see.  We'll see.

But you can be for damn certain that if I have a meltdown again, it WILL NOT leak out to Facebook.

...

Here I am,
Can you see me?
I've come so far from where I was.

My hole has claimed me,
Won't let me go
This time, I think for good.

It's dark in here
And there is an echo
Can you hear me?
Can you see me?

I'm cold.
But I can still see glimpses of the sun
It's hazy but it's there
Bright and shiny and yellow.

The hole is closing in
the view is growing thin
The light is dying away.

I throw my rope but no one catches it
I call out but no one answers.
It doesn't matter anymore.

The light is gone.
The Echo is silenced
I'm standing on nothing
Nothing is standing on me.

I had hope you could see me.
I had hoped you could hear me.
But you didn't and I'm gone.

My hole has claimed me once again

This time, I think,
For good.

Losing it...

Slowly I am... Said in my most awesome Yoda voice.  You know I never understood the Yoda thing.  It's funny as all get out to say but I still don't get it.

I'm down to having deep emotional conversations with myself.  The kind that make one of us cry.  Yeah... Im serious.  I have actually been driving myself to tears with my own self loathing.  How the hell does that happen to a happy well adjusted person?

Snicker... I couldn't even finish typing that with a straight face...  I am so I no way happy and well adjusted and I think I left normal back at the three year old mark...

So let's recap the computer issues.  I got up and updated the flash player, I updated internet explorer, and I cleaned out half the ish that was making it run like a caterpillar uphill stuck in molasses.  It runs.  It does not do games very well, still.  I pulled up my ranch this morning, got it harvested and even managed to plant stuff and went to see to the kids.  I got back and the flash plug in had crashed.  It had crashed while saving.  It was still trying to save the crop I had taken off a half an hour prior.  So all the work I had done was now null and void and never happened.  I shut the shit off and went back to bed.

It's funny how when you are just laying in bed without shit to do NO ONE calls you or texts you, but lay in bed with express need to sleep or escape the world just for a little while and the world is the alarm clock you just can't reach to throw at the wall.  Never freaking fails.  I sit here in silent torment and nada, not a word.  I call a couple of people to have a whine moment and well, you all know how that usually goes.  But fall asleep to pretend the world has melted away and suddenly your phone number is the most popular on earth..

I wanted to go to the movies today.  I want to see Real Steel.  I can probably go, coming back would be a concern.  Lack of gas and all that.  Then, there's the whole I have ten bucks to put in the yank hit I need that ten bucks for the ticket and we're back to square one.

I should have just gone Friday night when I wanted to, I had gas, and ticket money.  Damn if only foresight was as awesome as hindsight...  Of course I didn't need awesome psychic powers to know that the quarter tank of gas was going to spark a lecture on how when I get my car, I am going to kill my engine because I ride until the light come on when I have no funds... It was a lesson my grandpa taught my mom.  I love the.man always but this is the same man that thought driving 55 in the fast lane of ANY highway was a good thing because it paced others and kept them from getting speeding tickets.  The guy that taught my mom to drive with one foot hanging out of the car so he could jump.

So I'm going to have to admit this sooner or later but I don't think I'm going to get to see my movie.  The lack of gas covered by the fact that my utilities will most likely be shut off any damn day assure me of the fact that I don't have the right to go do anything fun.

I want a damn job! I want to go to school.  I want to better myself but I live to freaking far away from any bus stop, and use of my moms car without submitting to the daily guilt trip is just so not worth the bother.  It really isn't.

Sigh...  I might should have stayed my ass in New Jersey but I know moving was the right thing to do.  My kids have space here, there's no bedbugs or roaches. (Side note my phone just auto corrected roaches to discuss...) They can go out to play.  They are getting a good education unlike Asbury Park.  Yeah sure I had a job in NJ but it wasn't paying anything.  I was drowning in debt there.  Here I'm just drowning emotionally.  Financially, I'm not sunk yet.

Whatever... My thumbs ate getting tired... I'll probably blog more tonight since there is nothing left to do.
Blogging ciao!

Night two in the land of net-less...

While I sit Herr trying to come up with witty repartè to describe my net less state, I have to make a confession... I actually procured my kids computer this evening, and it didn't help for ish...  Yes I can get online, but I can do little it actually made me cry.  It was running FireFox 3.2, and wouldn't update it.  It's running internet explorer 4 or 5 and won't update, and Google Chrome makes it all but stop.

So needless to say, I will not be getting this contract on Gourmet Ranch done and I am so far past despondent and pissed off that I'm pretty sure there isn't a word. 

Add that problem to my continual celebate state and well, its a not so humorous situation that boarders on me being a very moody person.

I really should not be this despondant with loss of a game, but its become a bright shiny in my life.  Everyone needs one.  In gourmet ranch there is no one making me feel so unsexy I want to just scream, there is no football practice with a coach that calls my mothering into question, and no one whining at me to do something or be somewhere or be someone that I'm not.

Okay that was a bit telling.  Whatever, its a blog.

Well as usual when I am blogging from the phone, this is going to short and I need to change the channel because I'm kinda tired of hearing about the racecar driver that died today.  Not that I'm not sad a life is lost, but a fair few soldiers lost their lives today, a few cancer patients died today but the news' top story is a guy driving a hundred miles an hour crashed his car and died.

This is what happens when I start sinking... I get mean.  I'm going to go now.

Sigh...

Please don't misunderstand me...

Spending time with my kids is fun.  I love my kids but spending time with my kids isn't the same anymore.  Livy is still young enough for time with Mommy to be awesome, but for Jovaughn and Kayla, spending time with mom is limited to spacial moments when they feel they can tollerate me. 

I'm not at all surprised it's come this point either.  When I reached the point where spending time with my mom became a chore, I never once said that I was going to be so much fun that my kids would want to spend every waking moment with me because one, I'm not a total idiot, and two, even as a teen I understood that adults needed time with other adults or they go all loopy in the head.

I past loopy and landed smack in the middle of nutty.

I don't like playing Wii games against my son because he's a bad loser and and even worse winner.  We tried playing super Mario brothers and he doesn't get the concept of team play no matter what anyone says and he happily leaves EVERYONE behind just to get the prize himself not realizing that now no one wants to play with him because he's been a little shit and caused us all to die.

Kayla gets upset with me because I can't do all the games she wants me to do because one, she has little coordination so I spent most of my time dodging her  and the other half fighting through blinding back pain because she believe all games must include Wii boxing, Wii Baseball standing up, Wii dancing, or dancing and kicking period.

Let's not go into Livy.  Very bad looser.  Very bad winner.  If the game is not going her way or the movie chosen is not her choice you can count Princess Livy out.

Like I said, I love my kids but at the ages of 10,11, and 12, I fully understand why some animals eat their young. 

In other news.  One of my best friends has blocked me from seeing her facebook page and I don't know why.  I can't honestly say that this is one of my major concerns... It doesn't keep me awake at night, but the fact that we've known each other for twenty three years and she would do something like that is kinda heart hitting.

IT's almost like this is her ringing declaration that she doesn't want to be friends anymore.  A far nicer way to do it would have been to just delete me, you know?  Then I would have never known until I went to say hello that she had done what she did.  And I would have been just as hurt with that choice but somehow being my friend but not really being my friend hurts a whole lot more.  Kinda like shooting someone but not killing them.  The fact that you shot them is bad enough but leaving them alive to really feel your angst too?  Wow.

Okay, maybe it is one of my major concerns.   Like I said we were or have been friends for 23 years.  That's not something you throw away lightly.  We had a gap in communication when I was first married and couldn't keep an internet signal let alone a phone and she met a whole new set of friends and that's great, I mean, I met some new friends too but the difference between us, her new friends for the most part took me back to high school and made me feel like the token black and worse, very little was ever done to not make me feel such.  She'd rather talk to them then respond to me saying hello but let me have an issue on Facebook where I need to vent and suddenly I'm the ninth grader that needs a strong hand to keep me in line.

Okay now I'm letting my bitterness creep in and I'm adult enough to know it at this point.  But damn.  My new friends accepted that she was my oldest friend and that was that.  There's only been one occasion to mix her with one of my new friends and when the new friend didn't really take to her, I just didn't try it again...

Fuck, I said this wasn't going to be a big deal to me but I guess when you blog and let all your feelings loose and the flood gates open you realize just how much the end of a friendship that you held close to you like a blood family member hurts.  I mean like a physical hurt.  My chest really hurts when I think about how some of my old friends can't accept that I'm not the same person I was in OTHS.  Okay fine, I've changed and so have you but still...

And yes, in case anyone out there is actually wondering, I have changed drastically since high school.  It took me a long time to realize it but not only was I going through a huge identity crisis where I thought I was white in high school (and that is in NO WAY a slam on anyone white just so we're clear) I was oppressed because I clung to a few people that really did see me as the token black in the room.  It took me awhile to realize that that isn't a good role to play and for a long time, I refused to hang out with anyone but blacks.  That was wrong of me but at least I didn't feel like I was in their presence to satisfy and ACLU quota. I've also realized that black or wanna be white, I am a very attractive woman and I don't need to be made to feel inferior because the guy I like might like someone that's thinner, blonder, perkier, or has bigger boobs than I do.  It's his loss, not mine. 

Ugh, on to brighter topics... What she does and how she feels are a concern to me but I don't have time for pettiness right now.  I am contemplating deleting her and just being done but yeah... twenty three years...

I told you that time with no other adults makes adults go loopy.  I've gone so far round the bend I don't think I can even see the beginning of the trail anymore...

My migraine is trying to announce it's presence again.  I asked the pharmacist at Walgreens and he says if I can't shake it, it might be because I'm frustrated about something I won't allow to come to the surface...  Of course I don't let my frustrations surface.  People get hurt when I let my frustrations out.  I get hurt.  Okay, mainly I get hurt.  Others don't seem to give a flying fart in space.

Ever get one of those fleeting thoughts that you cant handle life and and everyone elses would be awesome if you just weren't there?  Yeah?  Well lately, that thought isn't so fleeting...  And I don't mean not there as in kill myself, I mean not there as you were never born or, at the exact moment in the past when you met that person your steps took you in a completely opposite direction and you just didn't meet.  Where is the angel to show me what life would have been like if I'd never been around when I need him??

Blast... let me go sort through my many frustrations and figure out what which one is pinching the nerve in my head...

This headache thing...

is getting very very old... I wake up with it, I fight it back with aspirin and caffeine during the day and I go to sleep with it. 

I've developed a monogamous relationship with a pain in the neck...

Well, I wanted a real relationship... I guess this is what you get when you are really really vague in your prayers... insert weak laugh here.

I'm back to not sleeping well, Despite my melatonin.  I have a feeling that that might be due to the copious amounts of caffeine I swig during the day to avoid taking more migraine pills (In case you didn't actually know one of the biggest ingredient in Advil and Excedrin migraine is caffeine and I would much rather get my doses in a bottle of Pepsi)  I do generally stop when I hit the two and three hour mark before bed but I guess the build up is taking it's toll. 

Well, I'm not going to complain.  I do it to myself, so if I'm going to bitch at someone I might as well do it in the mirror and no good ever came of belittling myself in the mirror.

My heat smells like melting plastic.  I'm pretty sure that's not a good thing...

So this morning, I don't go back to sleep.  I am to take my moms neighbor to her doctors appointment.  This is never a bother... In fact, I offered to take her.

Mrs. Lora is a sweet old lady that I would be proud to have as a grandmother.  She has an elderly husband that they can never seem to get his sugar under control.  One night it was actually under 10.  When my mom is mobile she drives her back and forth to the hospital to visit him when he's there but when she's not I do.  And it's curious how this came about.  Mrs. Lora never really asked anyone for anything so far as I can tell, she's sweet and so far as I can figure everyone likes her.  Yet when her husband was in a rehab (the kind for after a long hospital stay) about two months ago, she asked several people to take her up there.  not take her and wait for her, just take her in the morning and come back for her in the afternoon.  Like eight hours later.  The place was quite literally five minutes from the senior complex where they live and do you know that people in that damn complex told her they would take her but she had to pay them twenty-five dollars!?!?!?!? I mean, dude!  WTF?  It's like a six block ride and they wanted her to pay that...  Some people are shameless.  Mommy and I offered.  For free. 

I swear, I had a lock on my gasoline soaked basket on the way to hell, but since moving here, I'm a much nicer person and look at me funny if you want to, but I'm not sure that's actually a good thing.

Did you ever see that Simpsons episode where Homer stopped being angry at Bart and these large lumps broke out on his neck?  I feel like that's what my headaches are...  Unused meanness.  And that eventually it's either going to lump up on me and maybe kill me or come out in one big terrorist size blast that's going to fuck me with a lot of people.  I'm talking massive scale like going t the Panthers Stadium and putting glue on all the seats so that no one can ever leave and then piping in the soundtrack to The Sound of Music in Tagolan (That's the language from Thailand).

I want coffee, but that would be a bad idea.  Well not really.  But it is a bad idea because for some reason, coffee, right now, tastes really bad no matter how I fix it and instead of wasting my precious supply I just choose not to start my day off disgusted.

Today is going to be one of those days that when I actually start my running, the Devil is going to look up and say, "Crap she's awake!"

UPDATE: Mrs. Lora called my mom who just called me.  She doesn't have to go to the Dr. today!  Yay!  I can grab those last few hours of sleep by the tail!

Side note while I have time: Remember that man that I kept telling you I've been dreaming about?  He's back.  Well, he never really went away, but now he's back in a really clear way.  Guys, I have seen his face.  Fate or Morpheus or whoever is to take blame for dreams finally let me see his face and OMIGOD, if ever this man has been created, I'm going to have to fight hordes of women just to get at him... Then again, maybe not because he and I seem to have a connection.  It's not really a surprise that he's white.  Ive seen glimpses of him from different angles and I've seen his children.  his eyes are what surprised me most.  They are green with flecks of amber in then.  And I finally placed his accent.  It's definitely a Texas twang.  My love is from Texas.  Or his family is.  Or he is there.  IDK and IDC.  I've heard his voice.  His voice is like Kahlua gliding over ice cubes.  Sigh...

Okay, the last child has left for school.  Since I don't have to take anyone anywhere, I'm going to slide back into bed and grab a few z's...

When I get up, I think I might put my winter curtains back up.  the sheer white ones are really only for spring and summer and since someone apparently hit the Autumn button for Charlotte, they aren't conducive to keeping my house warm...  The life of a house...mom?

Okay, the brain is obviously started its shutdown mode sequence so Fare thee well all!!

Sigh...

Bloggers, today was one of those tough days that it takes the toughest person to get through.

My son is going through a tough time at school because the kids are calling him gay, pushing him down and "teabagging" him.  They are doing this because my son lives in a house of nothing but girls, has no one but us and my mother to turn to, and while I let him go off and do all the boy things he needs to and wants to, he has no male in house to turn to.

He literally turned to me today and in all seriousness told me that I need to get married again or at the very least get a boyfriend because he just can't handle being the only male in my house.  It was the first time that he said it and I knew he meant it with all of his core.  He wants a man in this house more than I do.

I've been holding on to a thought by a thread but today I realized that that thought is more of a dream and regardless of whatever, it's not going to come into fruition.  At least I doubt it ever will. 

I have two choices.  I can really seriously start looking for a man or I can try and look into foster care and getting a little boy.

The second warms my heart because in truth, I have always wanted another little boy for Jovaughn to be with.  I always felt bad that he had no brothers, only sisters.  I felt even worse when, for the good of the family as a whole, I had to break us into pieces.  If I could I would have so laid down and had another baby but I couldn't bring another child into a loveless relationship.  I'd even thought of fostering way back when but even then, why would I bring another child into that?

When I got out on my own and it looked like for a hot second I could keep my head above water, I thought about it again.  My son needs another boy to play with, to confide in.

As for the man, I have had enough looking.  I have had enough let down.  Men are not interested in me like that and I have to accept that.  This is not the part where you chime in and tell me I'm a very pretty girl and that I should be patient and just wait.  That God will send him to me.  I have been patient.  I have waited.  I've waited years.  I have prayed on it and thought about it, and written about it and guess what? Nothing.  I so don't want to say that God isn't listening, because I have faith.  At least I try to. I'm loosing my grip on faith. 

I miss New Jersey.  That's probably the first time I said it out loud but dammit I miss being able to go sit on the beach and think.  I miss being able to go sit on the beach and cry so that no one can hear me.  I just miss it.  I love the water.  I knew that the water was going to be far away from me when I moved here but I also thought that here is where I would find someone that wanted me.  Here I would find that missing part.  No not that missing part because I am complete with or without a man.  So is my family.

That thought that I have been holding onto?  That dream.  I'm officially letting it go.  I deleted the name from my text log, And I'm contemplating blocking it on Facebook.  Seeing it brings me a mixed joy/pain feeling because I know that in the end I'm going to be left with a smoke and mirrors feeling.  As much as I wanted it, I know now that waiting on it, the thought, the dream, is going to hurt more in the end because I've been marched up to the top of the hill and shown what life with love might be like but then in a scant two months, I've been kicked down the hill while facing the bully that says, "Stupid Claudette, that's what you'll never have!"

I know I say this often, but whatever.  I'm used to being kicked.  I hardly feel it anymore.  Sure I feel the after effects long after the attack and the culprit has slunk away but whatever.

I'm currently browsing the NC Kids adoption website.  I'm going to sign up to be a foster/adoptive mother. 

I suck at attracting men while I have kids in tow.  They all want hoodrats to give them babies that look just like them.  They all want people that can hang out at a moments notice.  Not women who have to plan that little time on their own.

But I rock at being a Mommy.  And if there's a little kid out there that desperately wants to be loved then I will pour all the love I had set aside for a man into the Mommy cup.

I want to go sit on the beach, curl my toes under the cool sand and just let all my tears make the ocean a little deeper right now.  But I can't.  I have to stick with my decisions and I have to learn that this is what's best for me.

What's right for us.

What's right period.

I'm done... solid done...

So today, Jovaughn came home with a bloody cut and a slight black eye.  He was bullied again today.  I am sick and tired of it and so damn done, you could call me burnt...

I have called the school, I have written the school, and I have gone up to the school.  Last year, some kid slapped my son at the bus stop and another kid put it on YouTube.  I never actually found it because I don't know the name of the kid that filmed it or what he named the video, but when the school was told, they asked the father of the kid my son pointed out and his father told them it was impossible for him to have posted it to YouTube because he doesn't have internet on his phone. 

Seriously... There is a parent out there that's that stupid??  How was he allowed to reproduce?  Why wasn't he born with a blinking light as an early warning signal for stupidity and done away with?  Oy! 

So today, Jovaughn asked me what should he do.  I thought about it for a hot second and then I turned and looked him square in the eye when I told him that the next time they fuck with him, he has my full permission to haul out and knock that little ass munching bastard fucker on the ground and not stop swinging until his fists can't reach the kids face anymore.

He said that this will result in a suspension and hearing to decide if he can go back to school.  You know what?  If they suspend them he will wear that with pride for fighting back.  And at the hearing, I will let them know that yes I told my son to fight back.  It's a damn sight better than the nothing that they are doing.

You know the schools can pass all the anti bullying rules they want to and people like Lady GaGa can come out and speak about it, but the reality is the schools are doing NOTHING about it.  If they are going to do nothing, then I am going advise the boy to do something and I don't care who knows it.

I am so over this bullying thing.  So over!

So my day...

Did not start off as the sunny happy cartoony day where everything goes according to plan... Well, maybe God's plan but certainly not my plan...

but you know that, because I blogged this morning...

So at one, Mommy wanted to go to the YMCA.  She wanted to get on her bike and her circuit and since she paid for a membership that I never actually use and can't drive, she had the perfect guilt trip... right there on a silver platter...

So I went.  Sure I was kicking in screaming inside but oh well.  I got on the exersize bike.  I reset the damn thing three times but I finally finished an hour and burned over 600 calories and rode over 11 and a half miles.  I can tell you what, If I ever get the chance to get on top of a guy again, I will be able to go at it with complete gustp cause my legs got the workout of a lifetime today!

My brain was screaming Yay!!  My body, not so much.  My legs hurt like a mother effer.  OMG, I haven't had that much pain in my legs since... well let's not go there, lol.  But I did it!

Tomorrow there's a Zumba class I'm going to go try.  This exercize thing may not be so bad if I do it often... (To those of you that may or may not be reading this and thinking ur... duh!! SHUT UP, LOL)

But oh the pain!  I just want someone to lay me down and make it go away.  Really I do, I just want all the tightness to just go away...

Randy isn't coming today.  He's coming tomorrow.  Long kinda stupid story but he's trying and I have to give him credit for that.  He deserves that.

I have laundry to fold.  To avoid having to make another trek up Mt. Laundry, I am putting it on my bed as it comes out of the dryer.  Under this pretense I have to fold it before I got to bed.  Of course I came up with this brilliant plan before I went to the Y today...



And yet it hurts the brain to try and come up with a way around this facet of my life...

In other news, My mail carrier has officially pissed me off for what I hope to be the last time.  For over a year I have watched as he comes later and later in the day and sometimes not at all and a couple of times I have spotted him driving right past my cul de sac.  I can actually see me, one person, one household not getting mail for a day or two but six households getting not so much as a flyer??  That doesn't happen.  A few times I or a neighbor put something in the mailbox to be taken and we've put the flag up.  Sometimes he takes it but then on the days when he can't be bothered to come through, he doesn't.  I have complained to the post office both over the phone and in person to no avail, so today, I called the 800 ASK USPS number and the lady there helped me lodge a formal complaint.  Enough is enough.

Why is it that when you give someone the tiniest bit of control over someone's life they always abuse it??  Ugh!

Scattered thoughts later! 

Blogs and kisses!!

This motherhood crap is getting old...

Wou;dn't it be really shitty of me if I actually thought that?  Hah!  Mother hood getting old... Like even...

No but it is starting to wear on me a little bit.  Normal wear n tear. YOu know, or at least the ones with older kids know.

All week last week the kids lost tv time, outside time, and play time because they have been treating me like the maid again.  So you would think that when they got it back, they'd be more appreciative of what they'd lost, right?

Wrong!  Big wrong! Super duper, so grandiose you can't see it all wrong!

All weekend, I was constantly turning off the tv and calling them inside to clean up.  All weekend!!  And then I get up this morning and they two rooms downstairs that they are responsible, look like the 2nd Calvary marched through and left as is.  I mean really? 

I asked them if they wanted to grow up to be adults that look back on their childhood and say that I threatened them all of their childhoods.  They said no.  I said then stop treating me like I am your live in maid.  I am over worked, underpaid and very unappreciated.  The last got me fake as hell sympathy hugs... 

Can't say I've had it because I think as Mom, I'm made to take and take and take all the BS in the world but this mom came with a dispenser. They are going to get home today and uh oh!

Although when they get home today their father might just be here so... and he hates the way they keep my house (I am not the evil mother who wants them to scrub every part of my house... I am the even tempered mother who wants them to clean up with at they mess up. So stop making that face.) 

And that's another thing that kinda irked me this weekend.  I get a text yesterday... "What are the kids doing tonight?" From the ex. 

Now I have no problem with the fact that he moved to NM.  None at all... He's working a job that for once, he really enjoys.  He's making money, which we both enjoy, and the absolute best part... he is at the very least 1,628 miles from me.  (Yes I mapquested it...)  What I can't deal with is the drop ins.  This little woman in Durham demands his presence from time to time (Dude, just send me the money I couldn't give a good giggly dang for your presence) And this presents the opportunity to come see his children.  I don't ever have a problem with him coming to see his children but I told him when he moved out there, DO NOT just show up in NC and expect me to drop everything so that you can see them.  He got here Saturday and didn't tell anyone here that he was here until Sunday.  We actually had plans.  He's like "Well I wasn't sure if I was going to get down there or not."  Dude, I don't care but a little preparation would have been awesome!  A small text: IN NC MAYB C KIDS CALL U L8R would have been fine.  Hell, N NC would have been acceptable.  Then I would have had some forewarning.

It's all copacetic though... He couldn't get a car to come down yesterday anyway.  Apparently now, you need a credit score to rent a car??  IDK, that's a new on me.  So he's supposed to take the train down today to be here later and I think take them out to eat.  I'm not sure if I'm included in that or not.  He usually does include me but I think the kids are old enough that he can handle dinner with them on his own although this time, he has no car so either I let him borrow my moms car, (does anyone else see the warning bells going all crazy?) or I take them, drop them off and go pick them up. (Seriously?  No one else sees those warning bells?)

Oh well, life and all that junk...

BTW, Happy October Bloggies!  Yay, fall is here!!!

Ta ta bloggies  Blog ya later!

Why....

...is it that the only guys that pay any attention to me are old male versions of cougars?  Nothing against them but they make me feel ugly.  Guys my age look at me and I don't know what they see, but it's obviously nothing desirable...

Don't mind me, I'm somehow dragging myself kicking and screaming into a funk.  God how do I do this tom myself?

Well I know how, I start thinking about my perpetual single state and it's like a free pass to depressionland.  I swear it's the biggest theme park I've ever heard of.  It's got everything.  The hall of realistic mirrors, The roller coaster ride where you get to find out things about your friends via a stalker feed on the side of the facebook you got to keep up with them, oh and let's not forget the dunking booth that's filled with the disenchantment water from Harry Potter and the deathly hallows... I realize that not everyone has seen this movie so basically it's a waterfall that takes away all spells.  If you've made yourself believe you're pretty and desirable, this water takes away that illusion and reveals you for the fat frumpy bag you are, or in my case, I am.

Yes, we all love Depressionland.  If you buy a season pass it comes with a free xanax prescription.

It would seem that this trip in, I'm living most of my most depressing moments in my dreams.  I smile and joke on facebook, but the reality is, I take the mid morning night because I toss and turn at night and yet still manage to wake up with a wet pillow.  At first I thought I was just really sweaty but then I realized that the newest ride in Depressionland; Midnight Madness, comes complete with nocturnal unconscious crying.

...Joy...

So yeah, I've reached the point in all this when I'm questioning a lot of decisions I've made in the last few months.

1.  Did I really need my nose pierced?  I wanted it for so long.  I have always thought they looked cool.  I still think mine is awesome but I was in Wal-mart today and a little girl said "Mommy, she has a pretty in her nose!" to her mother.  The mother looked at me and pulled her daughter closer and told her we don't stare at people like that.  I mean WTF?  It's not like I had a tattoo suit and piercings coming out of every orifice.  Granted that doesn't mean the person under the tats is a bad person but really?  A simple nose piercing make me one of those people to others?  The whole point of getting it was that for once I was doing something I wanted to do because I had no other reason besides I wanted to.  I felt good about making a decision and following through with it.  I felt good. Period.  Now suddenly, I'm one of those people...

2.  The contacts.  It's no secret, I really sincerely HATE my brown eyes.  I always always have.  My dad used to call them beer bottle brown and true to fates way, he said it around his friends and so the name BUD (yes as in Budweiser) has been a constant nickname of mine around those people... and the people they introduce me to when I'm in the same room as them... "Hey remember when your dad called you Bud?" Yes I remember when my dad called me Bud, I was small and tiny and it annoyed me then but I couldn't say anything because I was a child and apparently no matter how old I get I will still be so to you so whats the use of telling you I HATE that effing nickname?  I guess you can say the contacts hide Bud.

3. The biggest indecision yet, was instant gratification worth it?  I'm not the kind of person that can do that and not feel something.  I want to be but then I don't want to be.  Ugh!!  I'll cry that one out in my dreams.  I guess.  I can't actually remember some of my night time dreams.

And that's another thing, I can remember most of my mid morning dreams and surprise surprise, we're back to the friends leaving me behind.  Not the Charlotte friends or My Sissy.  To date, the only person that has been in the mid morning dreams that I actually wanted to see her there was Shelly and that because in every dream she appears in she does the same exact thing... She walks up, looks at the friends leaving me behind, sighs, looks at me, holds out her hand, and says, "You have to pick your heartaches, Claudette, and that is not one you want to dwell on." Go on, ask me what she does after that and I couldn't tell you for crap.  She's says the line she helps me up and then poof she's gone. Sometimes it's not the friends dreams, it's something totally different and she says the same thing.  This so totally leads me to think that my dreams are being controlled by my subconscious "heart" or wants and desires and neither of them are working with me right now.

I really think it might have been a bad idea to stop taking my depression meds so long ago.  Maybe, just maybe the doctor that put me on them had a point.  I mean I know that reportedly all military wives are depressed and in need of massive amounts of behavioral medications but maybe I actually needed them... I convinced myself that The problem was Randy and not me.  That once I was rid of him on a day to day basis, I didn't need the pills.  I think I should have found another doctor and gotten a second opinion of just how mentally deficient I am.  Yeah... time to find a doctor.  Time to give into my worst fear that I am indeed one of the many masses that actually need uppers and downers.

I hate that expression Fuck my life cause really?  Who's life is that bad but damn if I don't want to just down shots of vodka and say it repeatedly right now.

Like Vodka is going to help... Yeah, I'm feeling lower than the dirt that's under the concrete my house sits on so yeah, let's compound that with a super downer...  This is why I buy a bottle once every four or five months (except when I'm partying) because I buy it, take one damn drink and then it sits there for months...

Fuck depression.  I want to be able to say that outloud but I always stumble over the words.  I can write it all day long, but I cannot say them.

Damn damn damn damn damn.

So okay, I'm going to fold the clothes and go lay down.  I'm not going to sleep, I actually fear sleep right.  Think I am going to watch Phantom of the opera. 

Love gone bad then good then bad bad then who the hell cares... LOL

Anyone else notice that my thoughts aren't actually scattered these days...?