Bloggers, today was one of those tough days that it takes the toughest person to get through.
My son is going through a tough time at school because the kids are calling him gay, pushing him down and "teabagging" him. They are doing this because my son lives in a house of nothing but girls, has no one but us and my mother to turn to, and while I let him go off and do all the boy things he needs to and wants to, he has no male in house to turn to.
He literally turned to me today and in all seriousness told me that I need to get married again or at the very least get a boyfriend because he just can't handle being the only male in my house. It was the first time that he said it and I knew he meant it with all of his core. He wants a man in this house more than I do.
I've been holding on to a thought by a thread but today I realized that that thought is more of a dream and regardless of whatever, it's not going to come into fruition. At least I doubt it ever will.
I have two choices. I can really seriously start looking for a man or I can try and look into foster care and getting a little boy.
The second warms my heart because in truth, I have always wanted another little boy for Jovaughn to be with. I always felt bad that he had no brothers, only sisters. I felt even worse when, for the good of the family as a whole, I had to break us into pieces. If I could I would have so laid down and had another baby but I couldn't bring another child into a loveless relationship. I'd even thought of fostering way back when but even then, why would I bring another child into that?
When I got out on my own and it looked like for a hot second I could keep my head above water, I thought about it again. My son needs another boy to play with, to confide in.
As for the man, I have had enough looking. I have had enough let down. Men are not interested in me like that and I have to accept that. This is not the part where you chime in and tell me I'm a very pretty girl and that I should be patient and just wait. That God will send him to me. I have been patient. I have waited. I've waited years. I have prayed on it and thought about it, and written about it and guess what? Nothing. I so don't want to say that God isn't listening, because I have faith. At least I try to. I'm loosing my grip on faith.
I miss New Jersey. That's probably the first time I said it out loud but dammit I miss being able to go sit on the beach and think. I miss being able to go sit on the beach and cry so that no one can hear me. I just miss it. I love the water. I knew that the water was going to be far away from me when I moved here but I also thought that here is where I would find someone that wanted me. Here I would find that missing part. No not that missing part because I am complete with or without a man. So is my family.
That thought that I have been holding onto? That dream. I'm officially letting it go. I deleted the name from my text log, And I'm contemplating blocking it on Facebook. Seeing it brings me a mixed joy/pain feeling because I know that in the end I'm going to be left with a smoke and mirrors feeling. As much as I wanted it, I know now that waiting on it, the thought, the dream, is going to hurt more in the end because I've been marched up to the top of the hill and shown what life with love might be like but then in a scant two months, I've been kicked down the hill while facing the bully that says, "Stupid Claudette, that's what you'll never have!"
I know I say this often, but whatever. I'm used to being kicked. I hardly feel it anymore. Sure I feel the after effects long after the attack and the culprit has slunk away but whatever.
I'm currently browsing the NC Kids adoption website. I'm going to sign up to be a foster/adoptive mother.
I suck at attracting men while I have kids in tow. They all want hoodrats to give them babies that look just like them. They all want people that can hang out at a moments notice. Not women who have to plan that little time on their own.
But I rock at being a Mommy. And if there's a little kid out there that desperately wants to be loved then I will pour all the love I had set aside for a man into the Mommy cup.
I want to go sit on the beach, curl my toes under the cool sand and just let all my tears make the ocean a little deeper right now. But I can't. I have to stick with my decisions and I have to learn that this is what's best for me.
What's right for us.
What's right period.
