...But I can't do it anymore...
Everyone keeps saying to ask for help when I need it. First I had to cover with everyone that I DON"T KNOW HOW TO ASK FOR BLOODY HELP and then I had to learn. And I did. I said it online in every way I could think of. I texted people and you know what. True to form. Most of the people that I tried to reach out to, had issues of their own going on. That's fine. I get that you all have lives but don't lay your problems on me if you can't bother to be there when I need help.
And is this going out to anyone specific? No not really. It's a breakdown. Breakdowns aren't centered on one person. Except the person having the breakdown. And right now, that's me. I'm having the breakdown.
My hair is falling out because I'm so goddamn stressed. I can't comb my damn hair without loosing a good clump. I wash it, it falls out. I oil it, it falls out. I comb it, it falls out. Hell I think to damn hard and the shit falls out.
At the moment I have a fair few issues going on.
One. I just had the disturbing realization that I am nothing but a worthless piece of ass to someone that I was stupid enough to fall for. How did I come to that conclusion? Let me enlighten you. One. He only texts when I have no kids. Two That's if I text him first. And even then, it might take him a day or three or say a WEEK to respond. Two, when I do see him there might be a little playful banter but otherwise, pretty much sex. Yeah that was awesome the first few times but this last time. The short of that visit left me looking for the wad of twenties on the nightstand.
So I have made the conscious decision to try very very hard to wipe that from my life. I am so not successful. At all but whatever. That will probably require an intervention.
Oh and then there's the fact that I am so fucking tired of looking at these four walls I am quite literally going insane. I think I might actually take the ex up on his demand that I move. I need to get on the bus line so that I can get a job even if it's at a damn KFC. I can't stay in this house anymore.
I can't even go to the movies. I try to go by myself but at the last minute as usual, something my kids need the money for always always ALWAYS crops up. Never freaking fails. Oh and that's IF i can get the car. And this is no mean feat. Let me explain how this happens. I have to sneak around like I'm doing something wrong. If I want to go to the movies, it has to be on a night that I have my moms car and she doesn't know I'm doing something with it than letting it sit in my driveway. If I want to just go see a movie and say that outright then I have to listen to a lecture on how it's a waste of gas or I really should be conserving my money or it's just not convenient.
And I get it, Gas is high and in reality it's her car. But Then I get told that I need to do things for myself. I need a life.
How the hell can I have a life when life seems so damn intent on passing me by??? Life seems like it does better without me in it.
And wanna know the most fucked up part? I KNOW that I need to seek counseling I know that I need to probably be back on my depression meds but ask me if I can get tot he counseling place. Nope. Y? Because it's a car ride away. That would trigger another lecture on how drugs won't solve anything, I just need to stop exaggerating.
Will it be exaggerating when I take so many sleeping pills to dull the voices that I don't wake up? Is it going to be exaggerating when I walk out into traffic on the truck road by my house? Probably. But then probably not cause then people will look up and say "Oh shit, I had no clue! Why didn't she say something??"
But I did and no one listened.
They say that leaving Facebook is like running away from home. Well so yeah. Okay. That's what I'm doing. I'm having a temper tantrum and I'm running away. I need time to figure out exactly how to stem this stress I have on my back before I drown and take my kids down with me. They would be better off with their father than being dragged down by me at the moment.
I will blog as it's the only way to get my mind to work in some sort of order right now, but I won't be posting it on facebook or tweeting on facebook. Tweeting will be rare. I just don't feel like being around other humans right now.
If I can't talk to the people I need to, I just will talk to myself. I'm never the best company I can offer but hey. Maybe I'll learn to coach myself to human again.
Hears to trying.
