OKay so here's the thing, I have started close to a hundred blogs where I talk about this guy at work but I never publish them because... well because. That's it... just because.
I asked him out and he said yes. We didn't have the most awesome fantastic date on record but for two introverted people it was pretty awesome. I mean the kiss at the end of the night, had me floating on cloud nine for weeks. Yes weeks.
I tend to close with him on Fridays and sometimes Saturdays. He doesn't do anything at work as far as acknowledging our status (Although one time and one time only I kissed air at him to say goodbye and he actually kissed me back right there in the store. I was beyond floored.) but after we close and finish cleaning, it's on in the parking lot.
Kissing isn't all we do. We do talk. A lot of times, he talks and I listen.
But here's the thing. He's scared of dating. I know that now. He's scared to death and I don't know how to pull him out of the ivory tower where he hides. I can draw him out for sometimes a hour at most and then he retreats right back and I'm left out in the cold.
Everyone that actually knows him says that he's an old fashioned guy that likes to go slow. That I should be honored that he wants to go slowly with me.
That raises a big question for me. Am I really good enough for anyone to want to be old fashioned and go slow with?
Never in my life has anyone ever gone slow or wanted to go slow with me. No one.
Continuation:
Sorry I know I didn't really end that the way I should have. Or rather the way I normally do but I was playing a game and chatting on Facebook and I wanted to hit post before I turned chickenshit once more and deleted the whole post and you know what? I still may just delete the post because I AM a chicken shit and so totally not worth anyone's time.
There i said it. I don't think I'm worth anyone's time. It's one of my worst faux pas. Year after year of numbnuts telling me that I wasn't worth anything and that no one else would ever want to spend time with me and how bad I am at sex and how abysmal I am at kissing and how fat I was took it toll. Yes I came out of my marriage and I look like I know what I'm doing with my life but inside I'm still that scared lump that has no clue what John sees in me if he sees anything at all. Inside, I still see myself as the fat woman that no one wants.
Before anyone says it either to themselves or out loud or in comment form, yes I know that him driving those things into my head was a form of abuse. I've heard it all before how I was lucky to make it out of that marriage alive. I honestly don't need to hear it again. I also don't need to hear how I need therapy. There's only so many time one can talk about things before even they are tired of hearing about them. I'm so tired of explaining to people why I am the way I am.
The other night I had a conversation about his ghosts. I can't fight them. I'm trying but they have way better weapons than I do and I'm getting tired. I don't know if it was one specific woman or time or a combination of the two that has him where he is today but damn if the ghosts surrounding him aren't some powerful sumbitches.
Everytime I feel like I've made it to the top of a wall with him the wall either grows by leaps and bounds or another obstacle falls in the path. I have a feeling that should I make it completely over the wall one day, I will have to get past glass then razor laser beams and even if I survive all that, I'll have to do an Indiana Jones and the temple of doom. Now considering I haven't even seen that movie but know that reference shows that I spend a lot of time around movie buffs.
We sat and looked up our astrological compatibility. If I go by Virgo which technically is what I am he and I make lava. He's fire, and I'm earth. I kinda like the thought of making lava. If I go by the Libra which is when I was due and the one that more often than not describes me, we make hot air. Again, he's fire and I'd be air.
Libra describes me very well, but in this instance so does Virgo and not just because I like the lava thing. Whichever I pick, we are good together as far as the stars are concerned. I would just like to know where we stand in real life.
It's a small thing, but one day, I would like to be able to change my status on Facebook to 'In a Relationship' and actually say a name or even just do it and have it be real for once. It's a small thing, I know but still kinda important to me.
Sheesh! You know what bloggers? My head hurts, and my night meds are kicking in. I'm going to call it a night and sleep on my mound of pillows. Stay frosty bloggers.
Love you all!
