I know I promised

...that I was done for the night, but I had another thought.  What if people who read this (Again, seriously doubt anyone will) think that I am a whinny little brat?  I mean I'm not really.  At least in my head I don't sound like one... often.

LOL yes I said that.  Every now and then I do actually piss myself off with my occasional bouts of self pity.  I think that might be the main reason that I need a blog.  When the thoughts run around in the cramp space too long, they start to whine and when they start to whine the voice that narrates for me in my head starts to nag. (You know what?  In my head, I'm British  WTF?  I love the accent but why can't the voice in my head have a quaint southern drawl or a NJ twang..?)

What was I saying?  Oh yeah, when the thoughts start to whine my inner voice starts to whine, and nag, and pester and then she pulls out a guilt trip.  This is when she begins to sound like a certain ex who once told me he'd buy me a wedding ring if I lost weight.  This is when I get a headache and when I get a headache is when  start to sound like a whinny baby.  Usually I shut the last version of the voice up with vodka or Excedrin.  Either works for me.

So if I sound like a whinny baby at times I want to remind you or two things.  1.) You chose to click on my blog.  If I annoy you then click off.  Trust me I won't mind.  I probably won't even notice.  And 2.) I gave you fair warning.

Single and blogging signing off...

Divorced not dead.

So, I met this guy.  I'm not going to mention names and I'm not going to say the circumstances under which we met because if there's really a God up in heaven that occasionally smiles on me, he might read this. 

I can't explain it, but I really like this guy.  I mean really REALLY like this guy.  The thing is, I'm not entirely sure why.  It's like high school revisited.  He attractive, he's smart, and he's funny.  To me, this guy is the Trifecta.   To others he may not be that cute but while I normally start to look at guys the way people around me look at guys, I'm wearing blinders here.  I have single zoned vision and that single zone leads straight to us.  Together.  Dating.

As always with my life, though, there's a problem.  I'm not the one for him, it would seem and no, this is not my screwed all the hell self non-esteem talking.  This is apparently a proven fact.  He's being fixed up with someone that is seemingly better for him.

True the parties involved in hooking him up with this other female had no idea that I like this guy and I think it was decided before I even met him that he would be a good match for this other girl, but now I'm stuck.  I can't be mad at them, and I don't want to be because I love both of them dearly, but I like him and he's being steered in the direction of the other female. and I don't get a chance even if I had a chance to begin with, to make him really notice me. I want to stress that I am not mad at either of them.  Just hurt by the circumstances

And, DAMMIT! I want him to notice me.  I really want him to notice me.  I want him to like me, not her.  I want him to date me, not her I want him to give me a chance, not her.

I don't want to be this way.  Granted the other female is not exactly my friend.  When we happen to be in the same room at social gatherings, she barely even manages to say hello to me but that's okay.  We don't have anything in common.  Or at least I don't know if we have anything in common because I am not in her circle of friends.  I'm in the elusive outer circle that people really hate being in called friend of a friend.  The subtitle for said circle of friends is "I don't have to talk to you, I probably won't ever talk to you, but if we happen to make eye contact and other people are watching, I will mumble a hello to you and them cross the room to avoid getting to know you"

Oh don't look at me that way, you know it's true.  When you have a best friend that insists you get to know her new friends, the new friends regard you are a little bit of a threat because you are the one person in the room that knows about things they will probably never know even if they become bosom buddies with your best friend.

But I'm getting a bit off topic here.

Like I said I don't hate the female in question, I don't really know her because I'm a wall flower and she doesn't think I'm worth the time of day.  But I do feel a little bit of animosity towards her because in the back of my mind, she's going to get my guy and I can't do a damn thing about it.

I'm divorced, that's no secret.  But I haven't been with a Real guy in quite some time and I admit it, I need a little water in my desert.  I need a guy that is not intoxicated well past the legal limit to look at me and say, "wow, you're pretty."

Divorced people seem to be pariahs in today's society.  Very few members of the opposite sex want someone with kids.  I have three.  They are 11, 9, and 8.  So pretty much for the next ten years I'm going to have commitments that come before a guy.  And that's not fair.  I want love.

I want more than the good morning kisses from my kids.  They're awesome, every mom knows they are, but the good morning kiss from a guy in your bed is... dare I make up a new word?...Awesomer.  Yes I did it.  Sue me.

I"m not going to whine though.  If the guy in my eye starts to date the female in reference I will smile and nod and attend the social functions and have to leave early when they start to make out because I don't want them or anyone to see me cry.  And there will be tears because they will have what I can't have.  They will have what I have tried to have for years now and still can't have.  They will have what is forbidden to me because I have commitments and the big D hanging off my chest like Hester Pryne's Scarlet A.

Maybe I should take a note from Hester and take hold of my scarlet D and embroider it and love it, and decorate it and wear it not for the scorn it was meant to attract but so that everyone can see that what you think of me is not what I am.  I wear the D but I am not only the D.  If you want to know why I have the D simply ask about the D.

In my case, the D found me because I had a husband who thought that I wouldn't mind if he had an affair.  HE denied having said affair but how solid is that claim when she just had a baby?  Anyway, there you go, I earned the big D.

Ugh, readers, I am tired.  I should stop now.  I am in a good mood that this particular thought is now running around freely on the world wide web and not in my head.  I'm glad he has space to run.  I am NOT going to kill my now decent mood by thinking further about this.

It's out, it's said. It's done.

Single and blogging out for the night!

Single and Blogging...

So like I said in my little blurb describing my blog, I used to be a HUGE blogger.  I mean huge people.  I had a myspace and I knew how to use it.  But then like most people on myspace, I because victim to the dreaded snooper, The stalker, and the tattletale.  Yeah, I got hit with the tripple whammy.

So after much contemplation, I closed my myspace and lost all my blogs.  This actually wasn't a big problem and honestly I'm making it sound like more of an issue than it really is, but people knew me through my blog and without my blog, my thoughts started filling up my head.  I can handle being single, did I mention I was single? And I can handle having a whole bunch of thoughts filling up the limited space left in my head but I CANNOT handle both at the same time.  It just doesn't work like that.  So I finally started the blog.

So enough about why I started the blog.  Let's start getting some of these pesky thoughts out of my head...  Let's move on...