So It's been a few days...

No, I didn't go running screaming into the night.  I've actually been keeping on the DL lately.

It's amazing how when you think you are saying one thing, other people who really love you can see past what you think you are saying to what you are really saying.  And how totally different people see the same words and take them at face value.

Last week.  Possibly Tuesday or monday when I was at one of my lower points, I sent out two messages to people in my church.  One to the Ladies Mime ministry on which I dance as apart of the group and one to the Young Adults Ministry.  In both letters it said that I needed to leave both auxiliaries because it was a tough time in life and I wasn't sure if I had it in me to continue.  Both presidents responded.  One with it was okay and I didn't need to quit.  To which I responded that I didn't know if I was going to have a place to live or custody of my kids by the end of the following month to which the response I got was it's all good, we've been there.  Don't think she was being cold...she really just had no idea that I was basically saying I was done, I couldn't go on anymore.  She responded as would most people who don't know the situation would.  Now the other auxiliary, I sent basically the same message to and she outright asked what was going on to which I told her the same thing.  Within five minutes a prayer circle was started for me.  Continued that Wednesday at church.  The fact that someone in that group honestly saw that I was saying goodbye probably before I explained why touched me so much.  They will never know that in my sea of sharks and emptiness, they were the life preservers that kept me afloat.

I used to think that if I try enough to show people that I don't know how to ask for help they might actually take the time to look a little deeper into my words.  To date, only the ladies in the Mime group have done that.  Friends that I have had for years on top of years didn't even notice that I was drowning.  I don't know if that means I didn't sound like I was drowning or they are just wrapped up in their own lives.

And that sounds cruel.  They have a lot going on in their lives.  I get that.  I more than get that.  I'm sure that there have been times in my life when I had something, anything, going on and didn't see that a friend was about to slip through the cracks.  So whatever anger I had that certain friends didn't notice my signaling for help, it's gone.  To each their own life.

I still have not talked to my son.  I can't.  I know as his mother I should be the bigger person, but I can't bring myself to do it.  He tore the lives his sister knew into pieces at the suggestion of his father and a queen sized bed.  My question is, next year when his father decides to move to South Carolina (If that happens likes he's planning) what excuse is he going to use to stay at the school he bonded with in three days?  When he doesn't get what he wants is he going to try and come back to my household because even if I am talking to him in a year, I'm pretty sure that one event will be enough for me to rail at him and tell him he had the choice to be in a school for four years and he chose to tear a home apart then now he has to bear the consequences of his actions.

And yes, I still see it as tore a home apart.  To be honest, this is the first place that's felt like home since my divorce.  A feeling that I never thought I would have.  Ever.  With one decision, he ripped that from me without even bothering to talk to me about it.  Like a king on a mountain throne, he passed down this edict and boom.  He's safe, his life is unchanged, and the lives of three people he supposedly loved are torn to shreds.  It's going to take me awhile to get over that feeling.  Right now, I don't see the light in that particular tunnel.

On a bright side, I think I finally cured myself of something bloggers.  I saw an old friend last night.  Yes I slept with this person in the past.  By past I mean what seems like an eon ago and I attached my heart to my... whatever and I formed feelings for him that I shouldn't have.  For a year I held onto the slightest feeling that he may come back and we could have something real.  He contacted me the other night and we set plans for last night.  I was a good girl, bloggers, I DID NOT rush around my house cleaning up and making everything look perfect.  I DID NOT go and put on a slinky dress to show sex appeal.  I DID NOT put on perfume so that he'd smell it and comment.  I smelled like sweat and bbq smoke as I was BBQing when he got here.  I wondered what I would feel when he got out of his car.  Would I feel that flutter in my tummy that signaled I was still sexually attracted to him?  Would I throw tons of sexual innuendo at him so that he'd suggest it and I could be bold and turn him down or submit and get some.  But you know what, I felt absolutely nothing other than pleasure to see an old friend.  That was it.  And it was great.  It felt so freeing that there isn't really another way to describe how I felt.  Now, this isn't to say that if he decided to ask me out or kiss me or whatever I would turn away.  I'll probably never do that to any guy but I'm happy being friends.

Now If I can just jump that very same hurdle with my latest crush I just might find myself back on the sanity side of the funny farm. I'm taking baby steps.  At the moment I've made a choice to not text him.  At all.  Not even to say hello.  IF I can work my fingers into other projects, I think I may accomplish that one.

Life is hard.  I swear it's hard.  Probably I make it harder than it needs to be. There's no doubt that we all make parts of our lives harder than God's intended for them to be and then look back and ask Him why He did that.  I'm recognizing that I am doing this to myself.  It's going to be hard and there's probably a cartoon path of ease right next to this path I''m traveling but you know what?  I'm going to learn much more from this path than I will from the bright sunny path.

Ciao, bloggers!

So Today

I woke up and decided that I was not going to think about the crap that my life has been lately.

At first, I had absolutely no idea what I was going to do but then I glanced at my closet and thought for perhaps the twelve hundredth time in the last six months that I should take the time to actually fold/hang the clothes that make up my very own Mt. Laundry.

Just so that you have something to picture, imagine dumping all clean clothes in a pile on your floor every time you do the laundry.  Yes, you pick and choose clothes from the pile from time to time but basically you are kinda living out of the pile because let's face it, you are way too lazy to do the right thing.  After six months, the pile is so high that one, you need a new pile just to step on top of it and two, once on top of it, you can see the very back of the top shelf in the closet very clearly... in fact, you are looking down on it.

So yeah, that's Mt. Laundry.  It used to be on the couch in the past but that just looked tacky. (shut up.)

And today, I decided I'm not going to have the passing thought, I'm going to DO something about it!

Took me roughly six hours to find my floor.  Clothes were thrown away... Clothes were put back in the wash to be rewashed, and everything that could be hanged, folded, and put away was done.  Bonus, I think I added square footage to my house!  I even washed my sheets and pillowcases.  My mom had jokes about that!  I am notorious for washing my sheets and putting them right back on my bed.  It's one of the few times my bed is made.  The other being when there might be a gentleman caller coming around.... so uh... never...

I have clothes!!  A lot of clothes.  Seriously more clothes than someone like me needs.  I don't go anywhere but I have several non church nice clothes.I even have stuff that I might wear to a club or a ghetto bbq (meaning I have a really short skirt that could be described as indecent) And I have TONS of work out clothes, but I don't work out!!  I would say I'm thinking of starting, but even I can't say that seriously since I'm sitting here eating Froot Loops for the second night in a row...

I think I'm going to tackle my bathroom tomorrow.  There is not a damn thing else I can do other than make a few phone calls.

Something else... My windows media player is hellbent on causing me to have a serious issues...  I put it on random play last night and tonight and damned if the thing didn't play every single bump and grind, sexual vision inducing song it had in it's cache!! I mean seriously??  I would skip one song and go to a light hearted song and the next three would be something that would damn near bring me to my knees because they'd catch my ear just that way.  I both love and hate that music can do that to me.  Confirmed my suspicions that I watch way too much late night television and read way too many romance novels that I get mental pictures of stuff that I haven't done in so long.

Sigh... whatever.  It was nice to have a good day and not a reasonable facsimile of one.  I had an actual stress free day.  Yay!

Goodnight!

Kisses and hugs!!

Running screaming...

I swear, I'm going to get drunk and run screaming into the night as naked as the day I was born.  You think I'm kidding but I'm about at the point where if I committed a major crime I would land in an insane asylum and not jail because I'm pretty sure whatever is left of my mind is about to jump ship.

This morning at nine am, I got a call from a telemarketer who woke me up to ask me what signs of aging have I noticed...

Bloggers, the lord was with him when he tied my tongue so that all I could say was that I don't get enough sleep because people call me early in the morning to talk about my aging....

The MBF and AW came to get me and happy of happy happy joy joys we went to Soho!  Of course one of my besties and one of my awesomely so good almost besties were there to see me so we could have hit a hot dog stand and I still would have had a big ass kool aid grin on...

Then real life had to stick is head in where it didn't belong.  We decided to hit the mall.  Wallet not with me.  Have to go to moms.  Wallet not at moms.  Wallet not at home.  Wallet has gone MIA.  Drove all over looking.

Called Walmart as it was the last place I remember having it and the bored woman on the phone first got my name wrong four times then after a shuffle where I'm not actually sure she went to the office to look she came back and told me my water was not there.  I corrected her and said wallet.  She said it 'ain't' there.  At Mommy's suggestion, I went by the wal-mart to ask and the woman who was there actually went and checked the safe and came back to say no but the woman who had answered the phone came in.  The woman who looked asked her if she knew of a wallet with my name and the bored woman (Who stereotypically fit the description I pictured from her voice on the phone) said, "What she come in for?  I told her it wasn't here!"

I won't repeat what I said to her.  I won't tell of the control I lost.  I will only say that she picked the wrong person in the wrong week to get snippy with.

Of course, my ex (who I'm not sure he remembers telling me that he was the better parent since he's been acting like nothing was wrong) in his infinite helpfulness told me about the time his wallet went missing or that his sisters was stolen just last week.  I'm sorry all I wanted to do was scream "I DON"T CARE!!" into the phone.  I don't know exactly what it was he said once I got back in the car, but I snapped.  My exact snap was:

"I have nothing left to give anymore!  I'm surprised I have tears left to cry over this?  What more do you want of me?  In the last 24 hours I have been forced to give up my home, the first place in a long time that's felt like home, I have taken my son out of my family on paper, I have found out that there isn't a damn thing in Charlotte that I can rent within my price range that isn't a total piece of ---- and now on top of all of that my wallet is missing meaning I have to cancel four bank cards, replace three social security cards, replace my food card and after this lady give me my twenty dollars back for these keys, I will have ONLY that to live on until I can get some new stuff.  I can't drive (legally) I can't even prove that I am me!  So what more would you like me to give because I can spare nothing else!"

And he was quiet for over a minute.

I think I may have laid a little more on him than he thought I had going on.

Anyway he met met me at the super small house and he decided exactly what I knew he would decide which was that it was way too small for us.  He wasn't paying for that.  The upside is now he's calling around as well.

I'm home now.  Not if I'm going to sim out or write out but I'm out.  I need to forget about reality right now.

Someone told me once that your friends should be like an expensive and well manicured art collection.  Today I got to see my Mona Lisa and my Girl with the Pearl Earring...

Behind these hazel eyes...

No, I am not going to sit here and quote Kelly Clarkson.  Although I DO like the song...

Today was a difficult one, bloggers. It was difficult on several levels one being that I didn't actually get to sleep until three AM.  I need to work on getting to bed at a decent time and to stop writing....

I hit the floor running at seven fifteen.  The first time in a long time.

I had a breaking moment this morning when I had to one.  Remove my son from my household officially.  My son is no longer apart of my household and with one line through his name it was official in Section 8's eyes.

I swear to God it felt like I was disowning my son.  In the old days in England (Pre Victoria) when a father wanted to disown a child, they drew a line through the person's name and birthdate in the family bible.  The papers I fill out for my section 8 are like a bible to them and when I had to draw a line through my son's name, DOB, and SSN number I felt like I cut away my arm.

My caseworker had to leave to go get the notice of intention to vacate from her office and I just put my head in my hands.  It was all I could do to keep the tears from running down my face, bloggers.  I seriously felt like I just kicked him out of my family and I don't like that feeling.  Even Ms. B noticed that I was close to crumbling.  To be honest, she does her job without emotion which I think is perfect for a government job dealing with families but she often feels so cold to me that I wonder if she has a heart.  Again I realized and appreciate that she has to be that way or she could get in serious trouble if ever Harry Heartbreak and Sally Sobstory came in there.  She looked me in the eye and said that at 14 years old, my son has no legal right to choose where he wants to live.

So I explained that if I force him to live with me, he will probably become sullen and resentful and my ex will use that to slam me into the first courthouse and defame my character to the point where I loose all my children.  She honestly told me I was smart to realize that before it happened.  I'm not smart enough to know it.  I've lived around him long enough to know him.  I know this game.  I hate this game but I know it like a well practiced dance.

I had a pair of contacts in my purse this morning.  I haven't been wearing my color contacts because they are really one of my masks.  I love them.  I can pretend to be a vixen or rocker, or someone else when I look in the mirror and my eyes are a totally different color but here lately I haven't wanted to wear them.  Today... well today I wanted to be anyone else than the person that just cut her own son from her household.  I wanted to be a safe, loved person who has the bosom of her family in her arms.  By nine fifteen this morning I hated myself so much that if I could have stepped outside of myself and taken a look I would have beat myself up to an inch of my life.  I HATED myself.

How... how does one get there?  How does one reach a point in their lives when they despise the person they are??

From best I can figure. from putting too much trust in people that were never meant to have the trust in the first place.

Took Mommy to rehab and then sat in the car making phone calls for an hour.  Went to get the girls and then to look at the place I am hoping to rent.  It's small but for the sake of my children I will make the best of it.  I could do worse and let worse happen because of that choice.  I am making the choice to do this.

My honest opinion of the plage bloggers?  I was to cry  I could fit two of it in the place I have now.  But I will do it and I will not let him see how badly this is hurting me.

You know I Totally understand where Angela Bassett was coming from in Waiting to Exhale.

Tonight the ladies in the dance ministry lifted me in prayer.  I can't describe the feeling.  And as long as I live I will thank God that yesterday when I wrote one of the members to resign the ministry because quite frankly I wanted to walk into traffic, they were smart enough and loved me enough see past I need to resign to see the I quit and goodbye.  That is exactly what I wrote.although I didn't realize it.  I was writing goodbye letters as if I didn't plan to wake up this morning.

I haven't felt that way in a long time, bloggers.  I haven't felt that if I weren't here my children would be better off in a loooooong time.  Yesterday I felt like that.

I think I've let today float away on my blog.  It won't plague me as badly anymore.  I am letting today go.

I'm going to go shower and wash my bad feelings down the drain.

Goodnight, bloggers.

Love

Whoa!!  Two blog posts from me in one day?  Wow...

Crap, I totally forgot what I was going to say.  NOt what I was going to write about but what I was going to say.  I really hate blonde moments.  And yes I call them blonde moments.  I have plenty of Blonde friends who have proven the joke to be pointless a thousand times over but if the alternative is admitting to my age and calling them Senior moments then I'll keep calling them blonde moments.  Come up with a better name that doesn't imply age and I'll use that.

I still didn't remember what I was going to say...

So let's let's just bounce ideas out of my brain until I find one...

When I think of love, I think of sex.  Most specifically the fact that I don't even remember what it feels like much less the mechanics.  I've heard it's like riding a bicycle.  That you never forget how.  Anyone have a bicycle??  I'm pretty sure I can fall off and prove everyone wrong...

So something I was thinking about yesterday while watching the Love love sappy freaking love marathon on television that I couldn't outrun if I had a racecar was there is a whole lot of fooling around going on before they actually get to that bow chicka wow wow moment.  A LOT.

Wanna know something sad?  I actually had to google the definition of fooling around.  No shit I really did.  But this really isn't news coming from the gir who admittedly doesn't even know how to kiss. (Ooohhh.  If you're a first time reader which let's face it, you aren't because no one reads my blogs, I guess I should have said spoiler alert... my bad.)

SPOILER ALERT

I don't know how to kiss.  And judging by the definition I found online I don't know how to fool around.  From what I can tell.  It's all the stuff that comes before sex done mostly with clothes on and doesn't actually lead up to sex.

I'm sorry... that's fun... how??

All I see is disappointment.  Go through all the kissing and the petting and whatever else and then stop?!?  Oh hell no!  Yeah no. Hashtag, I'm just sayin....

And sexting??  Give me a break!  Getting all hot and bothered and then boom your phone dies.  Not that I've ever sexted.  God that kinda sounds dirty.  The stream of thought that emanated from that one sentence requires a twenty minute shower.

Not that Sex is much fun either but I've been told that in the grand scheme of things, I don't do that well either.  Seriously you're probably laughing but I have actually been told that I suck at sex.

So you can see why I have such a downer attitude on the whole thing.  Well maybe you can't, but I think that's denial on your part.  Or maybe that you are laughing so hard it's too funny to be clear.

I don't associate sex with love.  It's an act.  A physical act that leaves one sweaty and more often than not in serious enough pain to consider going to a gym so the next time you'll at least be limber.

No.  Love to me is someone caring for me.  Not Caring as in buying me stuff and taking care of me, but caring as in he wants me.  He wants to be with me.  He cares about my well being. He's interested in me.  The same as I would for him.

Love is having someone to call/text when you have news good or bad to share.  Having a good day?  Text/call that special person.  Having a bad day and need a smile? Text/call that person.

Love doesn't mean you have to be there 24/7 either.  People have to work, people have to be away.  No one needs to be by each other's side all the time.  I don't have an opinion on the people that feel that if you love someone you will be joined at the hip to them.  Dude, go play poker.  Go out to the club with your boys.  Don't suffocate you to be with me.  You can bet your sweet ass I'm not going to suffocate me to be with you.

Okay that last part didn't sound nice.  It sounded even harsh to myself but then if you understand what I'm saying, they you get it and it doesn't sound harsh.  Don't change who you are to be with me because I will not change who I am to be with you.  You liked me for me so who will you like if I change?

Long conversations where you don't do anything but listen to each other breathe on the phone.  That's cool.  Stalkerish, but cool.  Way stalkerish but still way cool.  That you don't need to say anything but you are probably having the best conversation ever.

Love is so many things that I haven't even touched the top of the list.

Can there be sex without love?  Uhm yeah. Yeah... Yep.   Mmm hmmm.

Can there be love without sex?  Probably.

Which would you prefer?  Sex without love, or love without sex?

What am I supposed to do?

So things that were all ironed out on Thursday have now been all wrinkled up and I don't know what to do.

I should have never freaking left New Jersey.  I should have just stayed where I was and let that son of a ---- keep defrauding me and mistreating me.  Honestly it would be almost preferable to the life I have now.

On Thursday I had to explain to J that in order for me to keep this house I needed him to come back to live with me and go to West Meck.  He said this was fine he was okay with that and then his father said God only knows what to him and by Sunday morning, he had decided to stay with him and go to East Meck giving me a grand total of 30 days to find another place, move out, and move in.

No one is answering their phones.  The ones that are answering their phones won't take section 8 and my options are running so slim right now Twiggy couldn't slip through the gap without major scratches.

It's not my last resort but I'm praying God can shine just a little bit of light on my life right now because the darkness is terrifying.

All that aside, my ex is threatening to take my kids.  And you know what, the the tattlers that feel no remorse in picking up the phone and calling him and telling him that I'm talking about him on the net I want you to understand something.  I know who you are.  and you will get yours for stirring up undo crap in the end but this... this right here... this post RIGHT FUCKING HERE is MY BLOG where I AM ALLOWED TO SAY WHAT I WANT ABOUT WHO I WANT, SO GET OVER YOURSELVES AND SHUT THE HELL UP.

You think I'm mad?  No, you haven't seen mad.  You haven't even seen angry yet.

If I could go back to 1997 and show myself what's going to happen if I so much as look in that (expletive deleted)'s direction and slap the black off me for doing so, I would.  I may not have finished school because let's face it, I didn't really like it all that much but you know what it would have 100% me instead of 75% me.

And you know what not even 1997.  I would take 1998 if it were the option open.  I would go back and when he said he was flying in tell him don't bother.

That @$$HOLE even had the nerve to tell me that HE'S the better parent.  That HE is always there (When I used to make his kids call him he never had the time or he saw my number and sent it to voicemail and never checks his messages.  So now he complains that they don't call and you know what that's whatever because I'm not forcing my kids to call their father anymore.)  That when the school calls HE always goes running.  (So that time when you left your son roaming the school parking lot because you miscommunicated the pick up and drop off times or whatever and then told him that he would have to wait there for you for however long it took you to complete what you had to do... Or maybe when you had the chance to be THAT parent when ALL THREE of your kids by were under your care and you decided that you would rather lay on the couch because you'd worked all night.)  That if my son comes back to live with me, he'll revert back to his old ways and HE can't have that because it took HIM a whole year to straighten him out. (Putting him in family court for eating donuts.  Or threatening to have him arrested for pocket change being missing.  Yeah...)

But he questions ME as a parent.

I know what he's doing.  He is pushing me into the corner that HE wants me in.  When I am forced to move into the ghetto.  Into probably the stankiest nastiest place possible because it's all I can get then he's going to get all his family and friends to tell whoever is listening that I'M a bad parent and then I'll lose my kids.  HE gets what he wants in the end which is all the kids with none of the hassle of dealing with the person that broke her back for years and going without for years to make sure that they had what they needed.  None of that will matter because the powers that be will only look at the fact that I've moved my kids to quite possibly the worst place I could and that he lives in bright shiney whatever and I'm toast.

I don't know what I'm supposed to do anymore.  I have sat and prayed.  Maybe I'm not voicing it right or maybe I'mm asking for too much when I ask for light but NO answers are presenting themselves.

They keep saying that God gives you no more than you can handle but right now... I think he's has way too much faith in me  I can't do this much more.  I not as strong as He thinks I am.

I...

So many things...

I rarely blog.  I used to alot when I had way too much on my mind but lately I haven't had to blog because I'm able to clear my mind or at least make it so the thoughts that keep swarming around stay quiet so as not to drive me crazy.

But tonight, I can't make them quiet.  There's so much swarming around in there that I'm afraid that it's going to come out in one huge burst that I'm not going to be able to control.

I always try to be nice to people.  Family, past family, might be family, strangers, friends... I ALWAYS try to be nice.  I have a policy that if you've never done bad to me or mine there's no reason for me not to at least be nice.  This applied to my former in laws.  Most of them, I have no problem with.  At one time I may have but honestly I don't really have any more than the normal issues.  Everyone has them there's no need for me to expand on it.  Recently however, one of those former family members that I never had one issue with dealt me a rather personal blow.  They put my name in their mouth and did a whole lot of talking to someone that in turn did the right thing and came to talk to me about it.  My thing is, the person who talked about me had no place to do so.  The matter is resolved between myself and the person that came to me but the hurt that the person that talked about me caused isn't something I'm going to get over anytime soon.

I forgive because I am Christian and try hard to follow a Christian path but unlike the adage says to do, I rarely forget.  I hold on to it and while I don't let it fester, I do not let it die.  Ever.  This personal attack on me is in that category.  Forgiven because the person who did the hurting has absolutely no idea who they've now made an enemy of.  When they knew me, I was a meek and broken person who kept her eyes down and rarely fought back but now... Well the only thing I can say is I'm not that person anymore.  The person I am now tends to fight back with barrels loaded and steel boots on the ready.

And I know that this is something I should file away but the drawer refuses to close.  It keeps wedging itself open and sneaking to the forefront of my mind.  It keep bringing the question why?  Why would they say what they said?  Why would they tell only the half of the story? Why they would pretend that they were simply informing something of something they thought the person should know?

I want to write that person a letter and tell them that what they did was wrong and intolerable.  Actually I want to say it to their face but everytime I think of what I want to say, my Christian side goes screaming for the hills afraid of the street me that says words that would make a sailor blush.  So I'm waiting until I'm not so... pissed anymore but the more I wait, the more it festers and I'm totally sure that it is never going to not hurt so much I get pissed.

The other thing, well that one isn't so intense but at the same time it isn't any easier to deal with.  Bloggers, I went and did a stupid thing.  I regressed to high school and developed a crush on someone.  Stupid I know. Monumentally insane, I know. Horrendously ridiculous, I KNOW, but I can't stop it.  I don't even know how to make this one phase out.  I'm not his type I'm pretty sure.  I guess you might say as far as description, he's a little bit country and I'm a little bit Rock and roll. Or maybe it's the other way around I have no idea. But every time I think about him I get all jelly belly and weak kneed.  I get this ridiculous smile on my face and and I can't make it go away.

What is it about crushes that turn any person male or female back into a middle school kids giggling and wanting to pass a note that says "Do you like me check yes or no."?

Like I said.  So many things swirling and swarming that need to be said that want to be said but at the same time can't  be said.

Sometimes, just sometimes I kinda hate life.  I just do.  Not enough to say FML but just kinda hate it. Sigh...