So here we go....
Tonight I'm going to briefly discuss an evil that needs to be swept from this earth completely. An evil so horrendous that just thinking about it makes me shudder. An evil so terrifying that it really should be illegal. An evil so devastating that the mere mention of which should come with a thirty stint in the dirtiest prision around...
Clowns!!!
Scariest thing imaginable to me. They look freaky and scary and oh my god I think I may have nightmares after this blog!
Why do parents think that clowns at a child's birthday party are fun?? Are you trying to scar the child for life at an early age? Are you trying to say that it's okay to act like a complete fool and blow up and pop balloons in people's faces and dance around in way too big pants and big floppy shoes as long as you paint your face garish colors and funny colored hair? Who the heck thinks they are cute and adorable??
If you can't tell I don't like those c words. I don't know if I had a really bad experience with one when I was a kid but judging by the fact that I won't even be in the same room with one as an adult, I'm going to go with yes. And trust me, it had to be big because I'm not the type that scares easily. A lot of stuff that should probably shave years off my life and scare the poop outta me, doesn't really. But Clowns... *Shudder*
My mom and aunt took me to Ringling Brother Barnum and Bailey once. Once. I don't like circuses either... Now you have to understand when I was a kid, going to Ringling Brothers was the shit man. It was like crack to the under ten crowd. Tickets were hard to come by and expensive before expensive was invented.
I spent the entire time turned around in my center ring, second row seat with my back facing the circus. I remember a clown tried to coax me into trying to enjoy the show and I'm pretty sure I bit him. Mommy and Auntie never again attempted that colossal waste of funds...
Skip ahead some years. I have three kids. My mother in law who at the time lived in NYC thought it would be a great idea for all of us to go to the Circus. Husband had to work so he got out of it. Sister in law had to work, so she got out of it. I put my foot down and said no I was not going because I hated clowns and the circus was their stomping ground. I said it repeatedly, emphatically, and almost vehemently. And she walked all over my foot and drug me to the circus.
Thankfully for me, I did not make it inside to make a spectacle of myself. I had a plan. I bought a brand new outfit that had fur on it, and leopard print, the whole nine yards. I did my part and PETA did theirs. I walk up and got my splatter of red paint.
Oh I pretended to be mad, I even shoved the person that splattered me, got in a real fight, almost threw punches... New York City's finest escorted me to a waiting area. Maw in law had to go in with all the kids by herself.
Little known fact. If you get in a fight with PETA at a public event where they thrown (washable) paint on you like the circus, they really only require an apology before letting you go. (Or this used to be the deal like eight years ago. I have no idea if this is all that's required now. There's probably a fine involved with some of the things I shouted at them) IT's really as simple as that. I pretended to fume and cuss, and generally act like the little shit I can be when provoked and about five minutes before the end of the circus, I apologized. The whole thing only cost me a cheap outfit with fake fur that I really didn't like in the first place. Man I bitched and moaned about that outfit for months just to make sure that my cover was in tact.
But I hate clowns. I hate them so much that my kids have missed out on birthday parties which probably were really fun but there was a clown and it was a no drop off party. Hey kids! You wanna see a grown woman cower in a corner? You wanna see her beat the hell outta a person because he came near her looking like Lady Gaga's makeup dummy? Invite me to a bday party with a clown and make me stay.
And if any of my friends read this blog and surprise me with a clown... It's illegal to talk about the stuff I will do to you.
Clowns are evil. Pure unadulterated evil. We need a Hands Across America to rid the world of them... Come on I know there's a celebrity out there who hates them the same as I do, won't you lend your name, time, and money to my cause?!? Let's ask Sarah McLachlan!! She can make anything sound so horrible that your day is ruined just because she uttered the words, "Hello, my name is Sarah McLachlan and..."
I'm telling you man... something has to be done about clowns... *Shudder*
Okay, I've BS'd enough... Ciao!!
