I'm honestly stumped on a topic that starts with U besides umbrellas to do for the U blog so I'm at a stand still for the alphabet blog and then very little is going on in real life. Last Tuesday I had four teeth removed and Wednesday, I didn't even bother to turn on my computer. What little Facebooking I did, I did from my phone all of Wednesday. Thursday I turned the computer on but I didn't post about my mouth. I found about ten short of a million other things to post about.
Today I got to use my reason for plodding through the week, I got to go to Patty's!! Yay! I literally live for Fridays now because I get to go over there and just chill. I don't have to be anyone else but me and me doesn't have to say a word because she knows me. If I get over there, plop in the lounge chair and close my eyes, she doesn't want to talk about why I'm so tired, she just goes ahead and plays a game until I open my eyes. It's awesome! I don't have a lot of people in my real life that I can be the me that I am when I'm not trying to be someone. And if you kept up with that you get a gold star! Good job.
I'm tired of pretending to be a million different people. I have some friends that when I'm with them or on the phone with them I have to be the listening ear or the counselor and I have to be honest, a lot of times I want to ask whoever is telling me all of their problems did it ever occur to them that I have massive problems of my own and dumping theirs on me is just not the thing I need right now. Most of the time I insert the 'uh huh's" and "mmm's" in when I think I'm supposed to and those particular friends don't even notice that I'm barely there.
And then there are the friends that I have to always be happy for. I have to always have a smile on my face or a ready joke on my lips. If I'm having a bad day, they ignore me because that's not right. They don't have downer friends. I think those friends are the hardest relationships that I have.
There's the face that I have to present to my ex in laws. The one that says I'm not one of you anymore. All but one of you made it abundantly clear when I was one of you that you didn't want me so why have you pulled me back in. The side of me that was raised to respect my elders even when they are walking all over me with steel toed cleats on. I have to hide the side of me that wants to tell them to stop trying to tell me how to live my life. I made it to 35 with very little input from them and I'm pretty sure I will make to age 80 with the same amount of input.
I even have a side of me that I have to show to my ex husband. And that is a hard side to maintain. I was married to him for ten years. He knows what's behind all of my faces. He may choose not to see, but he knows. He knows that when I'm frustrated, I cry. He knows that when I'm sad, I intentionally make myself angry so that I have something to fight. And he knows at what level of quiet there's something wrong and what level of quiet it's safe to ask what's wrong.
He either can't see or chooses not to see that a part of me is jealous as hell of him. He threw me to the wayside and immediately had another woman. When that one turned out to be batshit crazy, he had another one. This one, in my eyes, is not only clingy needy and a general mess, she's immature and I wouldn't be surprised if she makes it to the summer, but the point is in the span of our years apart, he has never had a lack of women by his side and me... I can't find one that wants to give me the time of day.
I've liked two men since I've lived here in Charlotte. One I slept with and later the addiction just vanished and the other I want in other ways that carnal, but I've been seriously friendzoned. Like there doesn't seem to be a door leading out of that hellish arena AT ALL. Can't show him the side of me that really wants him to see me as more than a friend because that side of me has a spastic condition that comes off as giggly and stuttery.
So you can see why I love going over to Patty's? I can be me. Not brave, not constantly funny, not even interesting. Just Me.
Tomorrow I have to make a shit ton of confections that I will not be able to eat. So my day will be spent screaming at my stove. I have all my children so maybe I'll sneak in a family rock band session.
Church on Sunday and then chilling. I might blog. I might not.
So there you have it. Tonight's random thought. Blog you later! Stay Frosty!
