So anyway, I've been thinking about the L blog for a long time and everytime I thought I had a topic that I could BS on for over a thousand characters I kept coming back to the L word that is quite literally on my mind always. Love.
Every now and then I have to put a disclaimer in my blog. I have to cover myself so here is a blanket disclaimer:
Now whether or not the current object of my probably unfounded attraction is among my readers or not is not of my concern. He is aware that I like him. He is aware that I am as confused by that attraction as anyone could be. He is also aware that based on the fact that it is clear that he doesn't feel the same about me that I can't seem to shake said crush. So honestly, if by some glory of God he wanted a deeper look into the jumble that is my psyche and read my blog he cannot be surprised at what he finds because he was and is the only guy that I have ever laid myself before as an open book. The only thing I will never say here is his name because I respect him more. THAT BEING SAID NOTHING I SAY IS ABOUT HIM OR IN REFERENCE TO HIM...
If you know me you know I'm telling the truth when I say it's on my mind all the time. Yes I do have other interests and do occasionally think about other things and other people but for the most part the topic of Love is always there. In the forefront, in the background, hanging off to the side biding it's time until it can make one of those blazing returns to the front of my brain. It's always there. It's my constant companion and for better or worse (usually worse) it's become the voice in my head. And it sound A LOT like Meredith Grey-Shepperd from Grey's Anatomy.
Wikipedia defines Love as:
The English word "love" can refer to a variety of different feelings, states, and attitudes that ranges from interpersonal affection ("I love my mother") to pleasure ("I loved that meal"). It can refer to an emotion of a strong attraction and personal attachment.[1] It can also be a virtue representing human kindness, compassion, and affection—"the unselfish loyal and benevolent concern for the good of another".[2] As well, it may describe compassionate and affectionate actions towards other humans, one's self or animals.
I can't argue with them. I don't know what love is. Aside from loving my children and my mother and my family, I do not know what love is.
I love fried chicken.
I love writing and making jewelry.
I love laying in my bed and soaking up all the warmth it has to offer me.
But I have a feeling that's not the kind of Love people are talking about.
I had a friend once tell me their definition of love. And I asked them because they are in a committed marriage of ten plus years. By that person, Love was defined as:
"You live and die for that person. Your first thought in the morning is of them, your last thought at night is of them. If you had to choose between living life while they die or letting them live at the extent of your own life, you'd die in a heartbeat. Without the other, you aren't anything..."
To tell the truth, it was at this point that I began to hear blah blah blah, ramble, ramble, ramble, mush, mush... I had the feeling that she was overdramatizing something that was in reality much simpler and way less sickening in real life.
For the first, I personally live and would happily die for my children. And this is not because I have no romance in my life. My first thought in the morning is unfortunately not of my children in pretty terms. It is usually something like "Why are they poking me in the face?" My final thought of the night is usually how much I love my bed. If I had to choose between keeping my life and watching a man die, I may make a plea to take my life for theirs but I'm a spoiled selfish only child who would probably just plead not to kill them. I'm pretty sure I would never say take me not him. Sorry boo, whoever you are I understand that I seem like a total shit right now but chances are that you knew that when you started dating/married me. I would however give my life for my children. I love them. And that last part, with him, I'm not anything??? Seriously?? I don't have them now so does that mean I'm nothing now? Wow... I'm nothing. Nothing sure does feel like a solid slightly overweight black woman that it's severe pain because she's sitting in a chair instead lying down like the doctor told her to.
I was married. I was not in love with my husband. I was in love with being married. I stayed because on a really effed up plane of existence, he offered me a sense of security. He was the father of my children, he was the provider of my home, he was the one I had promised before God and 17 people to honor, cherish and a couple other things. If loving him was supposed to be anything like what my friend described, not, I wasn't in love with him.
Thanks to romance novels that I have been reading since I was about 14 years old, I had some ideas on what I'd like love to be.
In romance novels, the hero and the heroine always meet by chance. It is attraction at first sight. I'll give them this. Or rather, I will give them the attraction part.
There is always always, Always a conflict that keeps them apart. Okay but usually the conflict isn't as legendary as it is in the book.
You should always trust the oldest person that give you advice. DEBUNK!!! I call the flag on this one! No details given but I'm calling the BS flag here.
If you love the other person, sex will always be amazing. Even if he has you up against a wall after you've worked all day, he's now ripped your last pair of good stockings to hell and there's a picture frame gauging you in the back. It will be amazing. I could wish this on a thousand stars but I'm pretty sure that when I find my doofus in tin foil we're going to have a couple of kinda bad off sync sex. Nobody gets it right every time.
Everything is happy in the end. Not even going to dignify that with a smart aleck wisecrack.
So, being the person that I am, I have taken the ideals from purely fictional romance novels and real life and formed my own opinions of what love is.
1. People who love each other must first like each other. That whole thing of "We hated each other at first" I'm sorry, but if I hate someone I am so not going to hang around them long enough to see the other side of the coin. Why do that to myself? I obviously have a good reason for not liking them and I honestly can't see that one day I would like to grow old with them.
2. People who are in love must want to be together. Not all the time. No one can be with another person 24/7 and not want to go just a teeny bit insane. If I had to stare at someone day in and day out and never get a few hours to myself every now and then I'd be sitting in a corner babbling to myself. Freaking, go watch a football game for an entire Sunday or something! Gah!!
3. People who are in love understand that sometimes you have to be different to be a match. After all, two identical puzzle pieces never fit together. One piece has to have a give so the other can take.
4. There are no perfect couples. If you think you are perfect together and there are no problems, no arguments, no conflict whatsoever, you are a fictional, probably Disney character and you should see serious help for not only your relationship problems but also the fact that you are an animated character that thinks they are real.
As I believe that Love is ever changing, right now, that's all I got. I don't much about love, but I know what I want. I know that I call the man I'm meant to have any future with a doofus in tin foil but maybe I'm his nerd in nylons, his geek in glasses, his slob in silk, or his bookworm in brocade. I'm not trying to be his princess in pearls.
As always I welcome comments. If you have something to share, please share it here. I will try to answer if it warrants a comment. Please understand that this blog is public so watch your language. Also understand that two things will happen if you choose to ignore that last request. One, you will look like the buffoon, not me and if it offends anyone it's running the chance of being deleted.
