So we're just gonna skip all the brouhaha about me not blogging for like five months, right?
Good. I love you too.
So my last post was what? January? A lot has happened.
So much.
Cannot begin to tell you... Well yeah I can...
I don't know what happened in January that started to make my life more than I could bear... Maybe it was that grey hairs started to look like they were outnumbering the black hair or that even when I dyed my hair the grey ones were still peeking through in all their smugness saying, "Haha, we don't die! We multiply!!" What I do know is that smack in the middle of January I realized that my best wasn't good enough for the goals I had set for myself. More importantly, other goals that I had set were getting farther and farther away.
This year I will turn 37. Every New years I make the same resolution. This will be the year. It's a blanket resolution that can cover any multitude of things but mostly it covers me being alone. Okay, not mostly. Always.
Although this year, New Years had a new twist on it. I spent it dancing in church and I prayed that this year will be the year. With a capitol THE. The year that finally they would see me for what I'm worth at work. The year that my ex's wife stops thinking of me as the wicked witch of the South that secretly wants her ex husband back. The year that I would meet someone that made me question if people were right; that I needed to accept myself before I could have feelings for someone else. The year that for once everything went up instead of up and down.
I actually prayed. And not a Dear God prayer but more of a talk where I sat there and just talked. Into thin air? To Him? To the walls? I don't know but I talked.
And the middle of January, it came to me. In order for things to change, I needed to change. In order for me to change, I needed to take a step back and think about what I wanted to change.
The first thing I looked at was my work life. I'm not proud to admit it, but I woke up each morning and had a very sad routine. I got up, I cried in pain because my hands were killing me. Then I got angry because I was crying and then I cried because I had to do it all over again one more day. I had to go in and deal with crap that was way above my shit level. not my pay level, my shit level as in I shouldn't be giving two shits about it. Customers that knew that they could complain and complain and insult me and say pretty much whatever they wanted to say and all I could do was say "Yes sir/ma'am." and give them free food on top of it. Drivers that didn't respect me as a shift leader and who thought it was okay to tell me to shut the f up multiple times a day. And then what honestly felt like the last straw on the Camel's back, the appointment of a new Assistant manager that was about to walk in and take over all that I was doing and get paid more for it. A child who routinely threatened that if someone acted wrongly he would fire them. Something that I had on assurance that he couldn't actually do but having to stand there and say nothing every time he said it.
Now don't get me wrong. He was a nice kid. He was pleasant enough but a very selfish part of my mind still screamed that he was a kid. And that very selfish part of my brain was making me resent him. And resent my boss. And the latter I couldn't have because she was and is to this day one of my closer friends. I hid my feelings for most of February. I guess I did, I'm sure that it was clearly evident how I felt but I honestly didn't care. So I quit. I put in my notice and I left. I left before I hated the place and the people that didn't deserve my hate.
For the first week, I slept. Slept like I was never going to get out of my bed. Ohmigod the sleep. I slept in for the first time in months, I had time to cook for the girls. I even had time for them to have sleep overs.
And in March, I did something I thought I'd never do. I took a singular chance and began talking to a man on Tinder. Like seriously talking. I gave him my phone number and didn't regret doing so in the slightest. I met him in person and even though I was scared out of my mind and nervous as hell I found that with him, even that first meeting, I didn't have to try to be anyone. Being me just happened.
Scared the shit out of me. Let me tell you. Did you know that I can be funny? That given the chance I can smile and make jokes and chat? Neither did I! He and I are still talking. Every day I feel more comfortable with him. Still scares the crap outta me because this is all new territory but I was able to tell him that which speaks more than it seems.
Can someone who knows the ins and outs of dating please enlighten me on what I am feeling? I am constantly rethinking over everything I've said and done and wondering "Oh God is he going to chuck me?" But at the same time I wake up thinking about him. If something happens, he's the first person I want to tell it to. I don't get that flutter inside when I see him, I feel like... the best way to describe it is... I feel like... like... like I can finally breathe. It's almost like from the time I leave him to the time I see him again I am taking half breaths but the second I see him and he opens his arms, I can take a deep breath. That sounds absurd to even me but I think that's the best description of how I feel. Free enough to breathe deeply.
And that's all I have to say about that.
Another good thing, I've gone back to Howies. Back with my friends and doing something I love.
And guess what else??!
Yep, that's right, for the first time ever, I have a new car!! For the first time ever I also have a car payment but it's low and I earn that in one pay period so I can pay it okay. I'm still looking for a name for her but I'm leaning toward Mitzi for mitsubishi. OMG is it fast!! I look down ad I'm going 60 before I even know it. I never ever thought that I would love a tiny car but trust me when I tell you Mitzi only LOOKS tiny. She has so much room on the inside that it's damn near ridiculous! If i can only figure out how to attach my phone to what appears to be a bluetooth in the car I'd be way happier. I loved my PT Cruiser but it was getting bothersome. It started with it stopping on the road. In the middle of driving it would just cut off. I had time to coast to a stop in a safe place most of the time. One particular time I had to think quickly and get to an exit off 77. That time was scary. The other times it was just bothersome. Then it went months without doing it and I thought oh awesome! It's grown out of that particular problem. But then it started to overheat. I was told that a radiator flush would take care of that problem so I paid seventy dollars for a radiator flush. I sat there and watched the mechanic run water through it until it came out clean but still less than a mile down the road it over heated again. I came home, had a glass of tequila rose and made the decision to get a new car. Got up the next morning and acted on the decision before I had the chance to hesitate.And with the good must always come the bad I guess...
Saturday Mommy, the girls and I were on our way back from Virginia when near tragedy struck... A woman was stopped in the middle of 85. Stopped dea. the car behind her skidded to a halt. I'm not sure if he had already hit her but thanks to a defensive driving lesson I was given early in my driving days (Thank you Joey--never thought I'd say that) I was able to swerve so that not only did I only strike on the drivers side, I was able to avoid any airbag sensors.
I'm sore as shit though. I guess being the driver and hitting only on the drivers side, I was going to get the brunt of it. I think today was the worst of it though. It better be. I'm working the next six days and not being able to walk without a limp is kinda imperative. I took a hot shower this afternoon. So far that an a couple of muscle relaxers and I've been able to sit and walk. Let's hope it stays that way.
I should go to bed. I have to have lil bit to school by 745 for a field trip. I seriously doubt I'll go back to bed and I have a nail appointment at 12 so I have no clue what I'll do between 8 and noon. I seriously doubt I'll go back to bed since once I wake up I usually don't go back to bed.
Yawn. I should blog more. No I should get to writing. I really want to be published. Maybe since this year is going so well for me... Then again, I'm so not pushing my luck. I'm already blessed with a more than awesome guy and my job. If I don't get published this year I will still consider this year a win.
Heh. Does anyone remember when my blog was called Single and blogging? God there were some wailing posts. Sometimes I go back and read then just so that I can know how far I've come and grown. Some of them make me cry. Some of them make me angry but most of them simply make me realize that I'm not that person anymore.
Goodnight people.
