So I started a new job. I work at a pizza delivery place. What can I say about it? It's awesome! I love it. For the first time in a long time I'm enjoying 90% of my life. That's pretty damn good for me.
I'm no longer caught up on the crush that has dominated a good portion of my life for more than a few months. I got bold and asked him point blank if he was ever going to ask me and he said no, then basically insulted me. The sad part is, he didn't know he insulted me. He's the outdoorsy type and he assumed that because I choose not to partake in outdoorsy things like hiking and fishing and the like that I'm not into the outdoors. And something about me being disorganized and a homebody... Whatever, the point was that he insulted me and then made it sound like if I liked all the things he likes, he would ask me out. Even though I kinda do like most of the things he likes, I don't feel like I should have to prove myself to get a date. Either you like me enough to take a chance or you don't and he doesn't. Simple as that. It was the part where he insulted me that killed the attraction for me though. I can't be attracted to someone that insults me. A small part of me wonders from time to time if he will one day realize that he insulted me.... A bigger part of me realizes either he won't, or he won't care.
I'm back to getting my random migraines again. I have pinpointed the problem though. They appear nearly everytime I speak with my former mother in law.It's something about the act that I have to put on when I speak to her and the fact that most of the time I'm restraining myself from shouting "Why are you telling me this? I couldn't care less!" at her. They way she yells at my nieces and sometimes my children bothers the crap out of me. The fact that in this day and age, she still has no problem lashing out and striking them causes me constant turmoil. Now I can't say anything about my nieces, but as for my kids, I've already told them. if she lays a hand on them, they are to lay one right back. The kind of hitting she does is categorized as child abuse in some places. And it's not always with her hand, a lot of the time she uses a wooden spoon or whatever is handy. My Sister in law is a good good woman. She has way more patience than I do. I would not be able to sit still if my mother were screaming and sometimes cursing at my children and sometimes more often than not resorting to hitting them. I just wouldn't.
There's also certain personality traits that annoy me to no end. A wise woman would find a way to cut this woman out of her life completely, but I'm far from a wise woman. Far Far FAR from one. This woman is my children's grandmother, cutting her out of my life would mean cutting her out of theirs and that's not something I'm willing to do. That's not something I think I'm able to do.
My ex plans on moving to South Carolina this summer. That's fine. But his mother lives around the corner from where he lives currently and shes not doing well financially wise. If he moves the SC, and leaves her in the apartment she's in, her next closest contact is going to me and I don't' have it in me to be her next closest contact. I just don't. Most conversations reduce me to battling with a migraine so bad I could burst into tears any second from the pain. I got one today that took a Tramadol and two Tylenol to tame. So basically I'm over drugging myself to deal with the angst she raises in me. That's no bueno.
I was at church tonight and one of my church sister even said I look tired. I am tired. I'm tired of everything that has the power to make me feel like less of who I am. Little by little the bad things in my life are clawing for more space and sadly they are starting to win. When I get stressed several things happen. One, I eat. I've always been a stress eater, No matter what I do I don't see that changing. The second is I get sick. I am currently battling the cold of the century. The third thing is generally, my stomach begins to knot up and everything goes to hell. It will hurt when I eat which will cause me not to eat which will cause others to worry about me which will cause me to eat to make them stop worrying, which will lead to my stomach hurting and the vicious cylce starts over again.
I am finally getting my life on basic track. Other than the thing with my xmil, everything is going very well...I just need that one thing to change. And there's nothing I can ask for help. If I mention it to my Dr. She will send me to a therapist who will drug me. I so don't want to be drugged anymore. I have actually at this point held sanity and happiness in my hands and I don't want to let it go. I don't ever want to let it slip away from me. I am grabbing at it with both hands and I;m not letting go.
As usual it kinda helps to blog it out. Another thought running free. To be thought about later. I'm cheating tonight. I'm self medicating with vodka. I know I shouldn't but tonight, I think it'll be okay. Goodnight bloggers. See ya in a few days I guess since that seems to be my time scale at the moment.
Stay frosty!!
