Whoa!! Two blog posts from me in one day? Wow...
Crap, I totally forgot what I was going to say. NOt what I was going to write about but what I was going to say. I really hate blonde moments. And yes I call them blonde moments. I have plenty of Blonde friends who have proven the joke to be pointless a thousand times over but if the alternative is admitting to my age and calling them Senior moments then I'll keep calling them blonde moments. Come up with a better name that doesn't imply age and I'll use that.
I still didn't remember what I was going to say...
So let's let's just bounce ideas out of my brain until I find one...
When I think of love, I think of sex. Most specifically the fact that I don't even remember what it feels like much less the mechanics. I've heard it's like riding a bicycle. That you never forget how. Anyone have a bicycle?? I'm pretty sure I can fall off and prove everyone wrong...
So something I was thinking about yesterday while watching the Love love sappy freaking love marathon on television that I couldn't outrun if I had a racecar was there is a whole lot of fooling around going on before they actually get to that bow chicka wow wow moment. A LOT.
Wanna know something sad? I actually had to google the definition of fooling around. No shit I really did. But this really isn't news coming from the gir who admittedly doesn't even know how to kiss. (Ooohhh. If you're a first time reader which let's face it, you aren't because no one reads my blogs, I guess I should have said spoiler alert... my bad.)
SPOILER ALERT
I don't know how to kiss. And judging by the definition I found online I don't know how to fool around. From what I can tell. It's all the stuff that comes before sex done mostly with clothes on and doesn't actually lead up to sex.
I'm sorry... that's fun... how??
All I see is disappointment. Go through all the kissing and the petting and whatever else and then stop?!? Oh hell no! Yeah no. Hashtag, I'm just sayin....
And sexting?? Give me a break! Getting all hot and bothered and then boom your phone dies. Not that I've ever sexted. God that kinda sounds dirty. The stream of thought that emanated from that one sentence requires a twenty minute shower.
Not that Sex is much fun either but I've been told that in the grand scheme of things, I don't do that well either. Seriously you're probably laughing but I have actually been told that I suck at sex.
So you can see why I have such a downer attitude on the whole thing. Well maybe you can't, but I think that's denial on your part. Or maybe that you are laughing so hard it's too funny to be clear.
I don't associate sex with love. It's an act. A physical act that leaves one sweaty and more often than not in serious enough pain to consider going to a gym so the next time you'll at least be limber.
No. Love to me is someone caring for me. Not Caring as in buying me stuff and taking care of me, but caring as in he wants me. He wants to be with me. He cares about my well being. He's interested in me. The same as I would for him.
Love is having someone to call/text when you have news good or bad to share. Having a good day? Text/call that special person. Having a bad day and need a smile? Text/call that person.
Love doesn't mean you have to be there 24/7 either. People have to work, people have to be away. No one needs to be by each other's side all the time. I don't have an opinion on the people that feel that if you love someone you will be joined at the hip to them. Dude, go play poker. Go out to the club with your boys. Don't suffocate you to be with me. You can bet your sweet ass I'm not going to suffocate me to be with you.
Okay that last part didn't sound nice. It sounded even harsh to myself but then if you understand what I'm saying, they you get it and it doesn't sound harsh. Don't change who you are to be with me because I will not change who I am to be with you. You liked me for me so who will you like if I change?
Long conversations where you don't do anything but listen to each other breathe on the phone. That's cool. Stalkerish, but cool. Way stalkerish but still way cool. That you don't need to say anything but you are probably having the best conversation ever.
Love is so many things that I haven't even touched the top of the list.
Can there be sex without love? Uhm yeah. Yeah... Yep. Mmm hmmm.
Can there be love without sex? Probably.
Which would you prefer? Sex without love, or love without sex?
Monday, July 22, 2013
What am I supposed to do?
So things that were all ironed out on Thursday have now been all wrinkled up and I don't know what to do.
I should have never freaking left New Jersey. I should have just stayed where I was and let that son of a ---- keep defrauding me and mistreating me. Honestly it would be almost preferable to the life I have now.
On Thursday I had to explain to J that in order for me to keep this house I needed him to come back to live with me and go to West Meck. He said this was fine he was okay with that and then his father said God only knows what to him and by Sunday morning, he had decided to stay with him and go to East Meck giving me a grand total of 30 days to find another place, move out, and move in.
No one is answering their phones. The ones that are answering their phones won't take section 8 and my options are running so slim right now Twiggy couldn't slip through the gap without major scratches.
It's not my last resort but I'm praying God can shine just a little bit of light on my life right now because the darkness is terrifying.
All that aside, my ex is threatening to take my kids. And you know what, the the tattlers that feel no remorse in picking up the phone and calling him and telling him that I'm talking about him on the net I want you to understand something. I know who you are. and you will get yours for stirring up undo crap in the end but this... this right here... this post RIGHT FUCKING HERE is MY BLOG where I AM ALLOWED TO SAY WHAT I WANT ABOUT WHO I WANT, SO GET OVER YOURSELVES AND SHUT THE HELL UP.
You think I'm mad? No, you haven't seen mad. You haven't even seen angry yet.
If I could go back to 1997 and show myself what's going to happen if I so much as look in that (expletive deleted)'s direction and slap the black off me for doing so, I would. I may not have finished school because let's face it, I didn't really like it all that much but you know what it would have 100% me instead of 75% me.
And you know what not even 1997. I would take 1998 if it were the option open. I would go back and when he said he was flying in tell him don't bother.
That @$$HOLE even had the nerve to tell me that HE'S the better parent. That HE is always there (When I used to make his kids call him he never had the time or he saw my number and sent it to voicemail and never checks his messages. So now he complains that they don't call and you know what that's whatever because I'm not forcing my kids to call their father anymore.) That when the school calls HE always goes running. (So that time when you left your son roaming the school parking lot because you miscommunicated the pick up and drop off times or whatever and then told him that he would have to wait there for you for however long it took you to complete what you had to do... Or maybe when you had the chance to be THAT parent when ALL THREE of your kids by were under your care and you decided that you would rather lay on the couch because you'd worked all night.) That if my son comes back to live with me, he'll revert back to his old ways and HE can't have that because it took HIM a whole year to straighten him out. (Putting him in family court for eating donuts. Or threatening to have him arrested for pocket change being missing. Yeah...)
But he questions ME as a parent.
I know what he's doing. He is pushing me into the corner that HE wants me in. When I am forced to move into the ghetto. Into probably the stankiest nastiest place possible because it's all I can get then he's going to get all his family and friends to tell whoever is listening that I'M a bad parent and then I'll lose my kids. HE gets what he wants in the end which is all the kids with none of the hassle of dealing with the person that broke her back for years and going without for years to make sure that they had what they needed. None of that will matter because the powers that be will only look at the fact that I've moved my kids to quite possibly the worst place I could and that he lives in bright shiney whatever and I'm toast.
I don't know what I'm supposed to do anymore. I have sat and prayed. Maybe I'm not voicing it right or maybe I'mm asking for too much when I ask for light but NO answers are presenting themselves.
They keep saying that God gives you no more than you can handle but right now... I think he's has way too much faith in me I can't do this much more. I not as strong as He thinks I am.
I...
I should have never freaking left New Jersey. I should have just stayed where I was and let that son of a ---- keep defrauding me and mistreating me. Honestly it would be almost preferable to the life I have now.
On Thursday I had to explain to J that in order for me to keep this house I needed him to come back to live with me and go to West Meck. He said this was fine he was okay with that and then his father said God only knows what to him and by Sunday morning, he had decided to stay with him and go to East Meck giving me a grand total of 30 days to find another place, move out, and move in.
No one is answering their phones. The ones that are answering their phones won't take section 8 and my options are running so slim right now Twiggy couldn't slip through the gap without major scratches.
It's not my last resort but I'm praying God can shine just a little bit of light on my life right now because the darkness is terrifying.
All that aside, my ex is threatening to take my kids. And you know what, the the tattlers that feel no remorse in picking up the phone and calling him and telling him that I'm talking about him on the net I want you to understand something. I know who you are. and you will get yours for stirring up undo crap in the end but this... this right here... this post RIGHT FUCKING HERE is MY BLOG where I AM ALLOWED TO SAY WHAT I WANT ABOUT WHO I WANT, SO GET OVER YOURSELVES AND SHUT THE HELL UP.
You think I'm mad? No, you haven't seen mad. You haven't even seen angry yet.
If I could go back to 1997 and show myself what's going to happen if I so much as look in that (expletive deleted)'s direction and slap the black off me for doing so, I would. I may not have finished school because let's face it, I didn't really like it all that much but you know what it would have 100% me instead of 75% me.
And you know what not even 1997. I would take 1998 if it were the option open. I would go back and when he said he was flying in tell him don't bother.
That @$$HOLE even had the nerve to tell me that HE'S the better parent. That HE is always there (When I used to make his kids call him he never had the time or he saw my number and sent it to voicemail and never checks his messages. So now he complains that they don't call and you know what that's whatever because I'm not forcing my kids to call their father anymore.) That when the school calls HE always goes running. (So that time when you left your son roaming the school parking lot because you miscommunicated the pick up and drop off times or whatever and then told him that he would have to wait there for you for however long it took you to complete what you had to do... Or maybe when you had the chance to be THAT parent when ALL THREE of your kids by were under your care and you decided that you would rather lay on the couch because you'd worked all night.) That if my son comes back to live with me, he'll revert back to his old ways and HE can't have that because it took HIM a whole year to straighten him out. (Putting him in family court for eating donuts. Or threatening to have him arrested for pocket change being missing. Yeah...)
But he questions ME as a parent.
I know what he's doing. He is pushing me into the corner that HE wants me in. When I am forced to move into the ghetto. Into probably the stankiest nastiest place possible because it's all I can get then he's going to get all his family and friends to tell whoever is listening that I'M a bad parent and then I'll lose my kids. HE gets what he wants in the end which is all the kids with none of the hassle of dealing with the person that broke her back for years and going without for years to make sure that they had what they needed. None of that will matter because the powers that be will only look at the fact that I've moved my kids to quite possibly the worst place I could and that he lives in bright shiney whatever and I'm toast.
I don't know what I'm supposed to do anymore. I have sat and prayed. Maybe I'm not voicing it right or maybe I'mm asking for too much when I ask for light but NO answers are presenting themselves.
They keep saying that God gives you no more than you can handle but right now... I think he's has way too much faith in me I can't do this much more. I not as strong as He thinks I am.
I...
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