I can't believe I am actually typing this but I need to make this thought get out of my head and go away. Leave the gate open and risk the other thoughts leaving the yard but I need to make this thought go away. Right now.
God help me, I don't want to be Mommy right now. Right this moment, I want to be a thirty year old on a warm beach somewhere with an endless supply of alcohol flowing in my direction. Right now, I really hate the fact that I have kids. Right now, I want to be free.
I blogged this morning about my son not doing his chores. Tonight it spiraled out of control. Tonight the situation grew legs and ran away from me, into a brick wall, pulled out a pic axe and kept right on going.
I told him. I told him calmly, with more control than I could muster on an ordinary day, that if he didn't do what he needed to do, I would not give him anything he wants. He would not eat the food that I had to get plastic plates and utensils in order to serve because he couldn't be bothered to wash a dish. He would eat a skinny sandwich and go to bed. And I had to stick to my guns.
He came home and he went in the kitchen. He half swept the floor meaning there was stuff all over in the corners. He washed the five dishes I put in the sink before I realized they all needed re washing and gave up. The rest he just wiped down. He didn't wash the counters. He didn't do anything he was supposed to do.
...And I hit him. God help me I hit him. And I called his grandmother a bitch to his face. And I told him... no I yelled at him that he was never going to live with either his father or his grandmother and if that's what he was angling for, for me to get so pissed off that I would send him to live with either of them.
...And I had to order the Chinese food I was planning to give the kids for dinner and I had to leave out his order.
God help me, but I have to make my son watch while his sister eat Chinese food and he eats a thin turkey sandwich and a bag of potato chips and a cup of water.
I am feeling very bad right now, bloggers. I am feeling like I am not worth the gift God bestowed upon me when he gave me kids.
I can't help it. But I resent him right now. True I wasn't really college material but I would have stayed if I hadn't gotten pregnant in college I would have stayed and plodded through. IF I hadn't been pregnant, I wouldn't have married Randy, and if I hadn't been a mommy, I wouldn't have stayed in that marriage as long as I did.
I am trying hard not to blame my son but right now it's hard.
So hard.
Sing and blogging is really not feeling very good.
Tuesday, May 11, 2010
Been a minute
Okay so I think I promised to do this every day but as you can see, I'm not very good at that. Don't know if I promised every day, don't think I would do something that stupid.
Anyway... haven't had too many thoughts demanding elbow room lately. I have had the normal problems but nothing big.
The boy is misbehaving again. I honestly think I am going to have to do something very drastic with him. I think drill school or a drill sergeant is in order. He's slacking off in the few chores I give him... again. I ask him to wash the dishes and when he's done (five minutes later) the dishes either have bits of food stuck on them or they are so greasy the slip right out of my hands.
People think that my priorities are skewed becasue I have only three real requirements for the house I move into down south... I want my own bathroom because frankly I am tired of sharing with my kids. It's annoying now that my kids just walk into the bathroom when they need to go regardless of if I am in the shower... I want a dishwasher... See the above blurb. I am tired of risking Ebola or dysentery just because my son refuses to wash a dish so it's usable again. And I want a laundry area cause lemme tell you, hauling bags upon bags of cothes to the laundrymat every other week is no fun at all and lately I have been screwed to all hell because I have to make the choise to have electricity or clean clothes and there's only so long the electric company will by my hours got cut as a way of paying them half so that we can have clean clothes.
And I know that I have friends out there that would more than gladly say, "Bring your clothes over to my house, just bring your own soap." but again this falls on the mooch thing and if you know me, can you really see me hauling my clothes to someone else's house?? Okay yeah if I had absolutely no money at all then I might swallow my pride but I am also the same woman who bought a thing of laundry soap and washed her kids school shirts in a pot on the stove just like my grandma probably did in the old days. (Which lemme tell ya, not that easy but not that hard. Boil the hell out of it, then boil in some fabric softer, squeeze out and hang dry. Really not that hard.)
The girls are behaving pretty good but then I am not/ was never really concerned about them. They have me by example to know how a female acts. JOvaughn has no men on a constant basis. I have had offers from my male friends but... there's really no way to end that sentence.
I think that's why I want a man in my life so badly, I want a role model for Jovaughn. And I think I would like him to be an outdoorsy type. Hiking, playing ball but also smart. They boy has a brilliant mind and that's not just me saying that because I'm his mom and I love him. He picks up math like water to a duck, he likes science, and he can build. The boy took tape and paper and markers and built a train. He can write out the train stops for the #6 train in New York City from start to end. I mean, wow, he's good at most of the stuff I sucked at at his age but at the same time he has a few bad habits that are just clogging it all.
HE eats like a racehorse and if I don't give him the food, he takes the food. I know it's not fair, but I blame my former mother in law. Jovaughn lived with her for a year and she fed him like he was a starving orphan. They got up in the morning and she gave him breakfast, a snack on the way to school, a snack at school before lunch, lunch, a snack after lunch, a snack on the way home from school, a snack before dinner, dinner, and then maybe a snack before bed. Count that up, it's eight maybe nine times eating a day. I should have broken this when I got him back but I didn't and I regret it sorely now because now, if I cut his eating by a little bit he makes it up in thievery.
I don't know what to do and I admit I am at my wits end. I'm one of those moms with a terrible secret. I have a son (And a daughter sortof) that eat so damn much they are busting out of their clothes.
Ugh... I have spent most of my free time blogging and I should be cleaning and getting ready. So maybe I will blog tonight, maybe not. IDK. Blog ya later!
Single and blogging is loggin' off!
Anyway... haven't had too many thoughts demanding elbow room lately. I have had the normal problems but nothing big.
The boy is misbehaving again. I honestly think I am going to have to do something very drastic with him. I think drill school or a drill sergeant is in order. He's slacking off in the few chores I give him... again. I ask him to wash the dishes and when he's done (five minutes later) the dishes either have bits of food stuck on them or they are so greasy the slip right out of my hands.
People think that my priorities are skewed becasue I have only three real requirements for the house I move into down south... I want my own bathroom because frankly I am tired of sharing with my kids. It's annoying now that my kids just walk into the bathroom when they need to go regardless of if I am in the shower... I want a dishwasher... See the above blurb. I am tired of risking Ebola or dysentery just because my son refuses to wash a dish so it's usable again. And I want a laundry area cause lemme tell you, hauling bags upon bags of cothes to the laundrymat every other week is no fun at all and lately I have been screwed to all hell because I have to make the choise to have electricity or clean clothes and there's only so long the electric company will by my hours got cut as a way of paying them half so that we can have clean clothes.
And I know that I have friends out there that would more than gladly say, "Bring your clothes over to my house, just bring your own soap." but again this falls on the mooch thing and if you know me, can you really see me hauling my clothes to someone else's house?? Okay yeah if I had absolutely no money at all then I might swallow my pride but I am also the same woman who bought a thing of laundry soap and washed her kids school shirts in a pot on the stove just like my grandma probably did in the old days. (Which lemme tell ya, not that easy but not that hard. Boil the hell out of it, then boil in some fabric softer, squeeze out and hang dry. Really not that hard.)
The girls are behaving pretty good but then I am not/ was never really concerned about them. They have me by example to know how a female acts. JOvaughn has no men on a constant basis. I have had offers from my male friends but... there's really no way to end that sentence.
I think that's why I want a man in my life so badly, I want a role model for Jovaughn. And I think I would like him to be an outdoorsy type. Hiking, playing ball but also smart. They boy has a brilliant mind and that's not just me saying that because I'm his mom and I love him. He picks up math like water to a duck, he likes science, and he can build. The boy took tape and paper and markers and built a train. He can write out the train stops for the #6 train in New York City from start to end. I mean, wow, he's good at most of the stuff I sucked at at his age but at the same time he has a few bad habits that are just clogging it all.
HE eats like a racehorse and if I don't give him the food, he takes the food. I know it's not fair, but I blame my former mother in law. Jovaughn lived with her for a year and she fed him like he was a starving orphan. They got up in the morning and she gave him breakfast, a snack on the way to school, a snack at school before lunch, lunch, a snack after lunch, a snack on the way home from school, a snack before dinner, dinner, and then maybe a snack before bed. Count that up, it's eight maybe nine times eating a day. I should have broken this when I got him back but I didn't and I regret it sorely now because now, if I cut his eating by a little bit he makes it up in thievery.
I don't know what to do and I admit I am at my wits end. I'm one of those moms with a terrible secret. I have a son (And a daughter sortof) that eat so damn much they are busting out of their clothes.
Ugh... I have spent most of my free time blogging and I should be cleaning and getting ready. So maybe I will blog tonight, maybe not. IDK. Blog ya later!
Single and blogging is loggin' off!
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