Spending time with my kids is fun. I love my kids but spending time with my kids isn't the same anymore. Livy is still young enough for time with Mommy to be awesome, but for Jovaughn and Kayla, spending time with mom is limited to spacial moments when they feel they can tollerate me.
I'm not at all surprised it's come this point either. When I reached the point where spending time with my mom became a chore, I never once said that I was going to be so much fun that my kids would want to spend every waking moment with me because one, I'm not a total idiot, and two, even as a teen I understood that adults needed time with other adults or they go all loopy in the head.
I past loopy and landed smack in the middle of nutty.
I don't like playing Wii games against my son because he's a bad loser and and even worse winner. We tried playing super Mario brothers and he doesn't get the concept of team play no matter what anyone says and he happily leaves EVERYONE behind just to get the prize himself not realizing that now no one wants to play with him because he's been a little shit and caused us all to die.
Kayla gets upset with me because I can't do all the games she wants me to do because one, she has little coordination so I spent most of my time dodging her and the other half fighting through blinding back pain because she believe all games must include Wii boxing, Wii Baseball standing up, Wii dancing, or dancing and kicking period.
Let's not go into Livy. Very bad looser. Very bad winner. If the game is not going her way or the movie chosen is not her choice you can count Princess Livy out.
Like I said, I love my kids but at the ages of 10,11, and 12, I fully understand why some animals eat their young.
In other news. One of my best friends has blocked me from seeing her facebook page and I don't know why. I can't honestly say that this is one of my major concerns... It doesn't keep me awake at night, but the fact that we've known each other for twenty three years and she would do something like that is kinda heart hitting.
IT's almost like this is her ringing declaration that she doesn't want to be friends anymore. A far nicer way to do it would have been to just delete me, you know? Then I would have never known until I went to say hello that she had done what she did. And I would have been just as hurt with that choice but somehow being my friend but not really being my friend hurts a whole lot more. Kinda like shooting someone but not killing them. The fact that you shot them is bad enough but leaving them alive to really feel your angst too? Wow.
Okay, maybe it is one of my major concerns. Like I said we were or have been friends for 23 years. That's not something you throw away lightly. We had a gap in communication when I was first married and couldn't keep an internet signal let alone a phone and she met a whole new set of friends and that's great, I mean, I met some new friends too but the difference between us, her new friends for the most part took me back to high school and made me feel like the token black and worse, very little was ever done to not make me feel such. She'd rather talk to them then respond to me saying hello but let me have an issue on Facebook where I need to vent and suddenly I'm the ninth grader that needs a strong hand to keep me in line.
Okay now I'm letting my bitterness creep in and I'm adult enough to know it at this point. But damn. My new friends accepted that she was my oldest friend and that was that. There's only been one occasion to mix her with one of my new friends and when the new friend didn't really take to her, I just didn't try it again...
Fuck, I said this wasn't going to be a big deal to me but I guess when you blog and let all your feelings loose and the flood gates open you realize just how much the end of a friendship that you held close to you like a blood family member hurts. I mean like a physical hurt. My chest really hurts when I think about how some of my old friends can't accept that I'm not the same person I was in OTHS. Okay fine, I've changed and so have you but still...
And yes, in case anyone out there is actually wondering, I have changed drastically since high school. It took me a long time to realize it but not only was I going through a huge identity crisis where I thought I was white in high school (and that is in NO WAY a slam on anyone white just so we're clear) I was oppressed because I clung to a few people that really did see me as the token black in the room. It took me awhile to realize that that isn't a good role to play and for a long time, I refused to hang out with anyone but blacks. That was wrong of me but at least I didn't feel like I was in their presence to satisfy and ACLU quota. I've also realized that black or wanna be white, I am a very attractive woman and I don't need to be made to feel inferior because the guy I like might like someone that's thinner, blonder, perkier, or has bigger boobs than I do. It's his loss, not mine.
Ugh, on to brighter topics... What she does and how she feels are a concern to me but I don't have time for pettiness right now. I am contemplating deleting her and just being done but yeah... twenty three years...
I told you that time with no other adults makes adults go loopy. I've gone so far round the bend I don't think I can even see the beginning of the trail anymore...
My migraine is trying to announce it's presence again. I asked the pharmacist at Walgreens and he says if I can't shake it, it might be because I'm frustrated about something I won't allow to come to the surface... Of course I don't let my frustrations surface. People get hurt when I let my frustrations out. I get hurt. Okay, mainly I get hurt. Others don't seem to give a flying fart in space.
Ever get one of those fleeting thoughts that you cant handle life and and everyone elses would be awesome if you just weren't there? Yeah? Well lately, that thought isn't so fleeting... And I don't mean not there as in kill myself, I mean not there as you were never born or, at the exact moment in the past when you met that person your steps took you in a completely opposite direction and you just didn't meet. Where is the angel to show me what life would have been like if I'd never been around when I need him??
Blast... let me go sort through my many frustrations and figure out what which one is pinching the nerve in my head...
