I think I am ready for an upheaval in my life and I know exactly how to do it.
Today when I was trying hard to disappear inside myself, I did what I normally do. I went to my happy place where I am not only loved by my friends, but by that special someone. Currently that special someone is the unnamed one. Well he has a name but I'll be damned if I put it here.
In my happy place he and I are dating. I haven't yet dreamed up anything more. And to be honest I don't want to really. The guy in my mind before him was an Italian prince named Marco, and pure fantasy. I might blog about my years wit him filling the man shoes in Happy land and I may not. He fades in and out of happy land depending on my faith in whether mystery man likes me.
But back to my upheaval.
The next time I get to be in the same room as my mystery man, I plan to tell him that I like him a lot, and I plan to see what can maybe be done about that.
Whether or not a glass of liquid fortitude will be needed we don't know yet. I hope not as I want to be fully sober when he tells me that he's not interested in me that way. With liquor I will probably be apt to fall into a heap of tears and wail that life is so unfair.
FML.
Well, as usual, Coldstone creamery has saved my night. I am unsure as to whether or not a second bowl will be needed but I think my pillow may sue for visitation before my freezer can command my presence.
Single and blogging is tired and knows not of the drivel she types...
Wednesday, May 12, 2010
Power shift.
At about three- three forty five this morning, I realized why last night hurt so bad.
There had been a power shift in my household and I wasn't even aware that I had lost. Without ever feeling the change in the wind, I had lost the power as parent... to a ten year old. (okay I might as well start saying eleven. He will be 11 on the 29th)
And I thought back... When I work on the weekends, I trust him to watch the girls. The one time I went out at night and had a little bit of adult time, I trusted him to watch the girls. When he displayed the desire to cook so long as I did the prep work like defrosting it and seasoning it, he was overly happy to put it in the stove. If I had to run to the store really quickly, he was in charge. He walks the girls to and from school (or did until the girls started walking themselves)
I mean, OMG WTF was I thinking??? While I was busy trying to lighten my stress load, I was making his heavier and heavier until he somehow became an almost equal partner in this whole parenting thing.
WTF did I just do to my little boy?
And last night when he very insolently looked me in the eye and told me he did the best he could with the dishes all the while knowing that I knew he didn't even try, I snapped. I didn't do what I should have done and tried to reason out WTF was going on in my son's head, I didn't try to vocalized my thoughts and feelings (although at that precise moment I'm pretty sure what I would have said if I had vocalized would have made merchant marines, pirates, seasoned sailors,and Frenchmen gasp in horror... What I said later would only have offended 90% of parenting organizations.)
And like I said a a quarter past effing-dark thirty this morning, it downed on me that I behaved like a teenager with a squalling newborn would act. And I was ashamed of myself. And hurt that I did that. And I cried.
It's been a long time since I cried over parenting. I suppose in a way, I was due for the cry.
I think it's time for an upheaval in my life.
Single and blogging is thinking...
There had been a power shift in my household and I wasn't even aware that I had lost. Without ever feeling the change in the wind, I had lost the power as parent... to a ten year old. (okay I might as well start saying eleven. He will be 11 on the 29th)
And I thought back... When I work on the weekends, I trust him to watch the girls. The one time I went out at night and had a little bit of adult time, I trusted him to watch the girls. When he displayed the desire to cook so long as I did the prep work like defrosting it and seasoning it, he was overly happy to put it in the stove. If I had to run to the store really quickly, he was in charge. He walks the girls to and from school (or did until the girls started walking themselves)
I mean, OMG WTF was I thinking??? While I was busy trying to lighten my stress load, I was making his heavier and heavier until he somehow became an almost equal partner in this whole parenting thing.
WTF did I just do to my little boy?
And last night when he very insolently looked me in the eye and told me he did the best he could with the dishes all the while knowing that I knew he didn't even try, I snapped. I didn't do what I should have done and tried to reason out WTF was going on in my son's head, I didn't try to vocalized my thoughts and feelings (although at that precise moment I'm pretty sure what I would have said if I had vocalized would have made merchant marines, pirates, seasoned sailors,and Frenchmen gasp in horror... What I said later would only have offended 90% of parenting organizations.)
And like I said a a quarter past effing-dark thirty this morning, it downed on me that I behaved like a teenager with a squalling newborn would act. And I was ashamed of myself. And hurt that I did that. And I cried.
It's been a long time since I cried over parenting. I suppose in a way, I was due for the cry.
I think it's time for an upheaval in my life.
Single and blogging is thinking...
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