So about a week ago, i went to see a new doctor who leaked, I guess is the word the information that I had tested positive for Lupus in the blood work that my last doctor ordered. She tried to make it sound like something I should have already known or at the very least something he should have told me himself but when she realized that no one had imparted that information to me she tried a different route by saying that a lot of women test positive but don't actually have it. That route didn't work as well because the more she looked me over, the more she was convinced that I would not be one of the millions of women with a false positive. I have way too many of the symptoms.
I have Fatigue that i can't seem to shake some days. Even if I get eight full hours of uninterrupted sleep I can still feel like my butt is dragging. Mostly I hide this with coffee and then use the slight caffeine high to look productive but the days when I don't even feel the caffeine, it is unbelievably hard to fake it. Those are generally the days where I get in trouble because I don't have the energy to keep the things in my head from daytripping out of my mouth...
Joint Pain. I can call it arthritis all I want. I can cling to the actual fact that no one is too young to have it but the pain and weakness in my left shoulder that some days prevents me from doing my job or at the very least makes it so hard I want to cry... yeah. They did an xray. Inflamed joint not arthritis.
Headaches. I get them so bad that well... I blank out. I know someone out there has had a migraine so bad that they feel like if they could just crawl out of your body you'd be fine. I can tell you first hand, wanting that and experiencing that are two way different things and if you'd ever experienced that, you'd never wish for it again. It generally comes with a whole body shudder and suddenly for just a moment, the pain is totally gone and you feel like you're floating but not in a good way. Floating like you're about to fall and hit the ground. And then you go slamming right back into your body. But here's the kicker... what felt like a few seconds can actually be a good stretch of time. Livy found me just staring at the wall once. She said I sat like that perfectly still for ten minutes at least never moved, she said I didn't even blink. then all of the sudden I shuddered and I blinked and I was back. I have absolutely no memory of this.
Tonight, I took a good long look in the mirror. Just to the left of my left eye my skin is turning darker... In the shape of what looks like a crudely drawn butterfly. Combined with my bright red birthmark it's not exactly pretty.
I'm supposed to call her if I saw this.
The first thing I did when I get home that first night was to google if Lupus could be transmitted sexually. Thankfully it cannot. Please don't think I'm saying I think I got this through sex. That was never my thought. My thought was could I give it. Every single source I could find assured me that I cannot give it to him.
But every single souce I can find says that this is going to get bad. I'm going to have good days, I'm going to have bad days and I'm going to have really shitty beyond words days. Now that I've finally found someone that I can see a future with can I do that to him?
It's not that I don't think he'd stick around. Something tells me he would. But do I want him to see me like that? Days when I feel like he deserves someone that's not looking at being sick. Days when I can't even get out of bed because it hurts too much.
Can I do that to him? I don't think I can.
Part of me wants to just say "Run! Run far! Run Fast! Run and remember me the way I am right this moment. Remember me before you got to see me on days when I can't stay awake for shit. Run and remember me before you saw me have to crawl on my hands and knees to the bathroom because my feet were so swollen and hurting that walking was a wishful dream.(yeah that's happened a few times) Remember only those times I couldn't walk right because you made my legs like jelly."
And yet Part of me hope he'll stay and hold me and tell me he's not going anywhere. That those days I can't stay awake, he'll lay beside me. Those days when pretty much all I can do is lie there with a book, he'll sit or lay there and let me prop the book up on his leg while he plays a video game or watches a movie.
I promised myself that Friday before last was the only day I was going to allow myself to wallow. If I gonna have to live with this then dammit I'm going to live. They say God gives you no more than you can carry. So I guess He has decided I can carry this.
I will not wallow.
I will not feel sorry for myself.
I will not be upset if I have to do this alone (Total lie by the way but it sounds good)
I will not cry. (Still lying)
I will not WebMd myself into apoplexy thinking this is going to kill me in the next 24 hours. (again total lie)
Most of all, I will never say Fuck my life. Because aside from what is fast becoming something I can't ignore, my life is golden right now. Good job. Good man. Awesome sex life. Did I say good man? Children who are about to leave the nest. Really. Awesome. Guy. Friends that I love.
I'm just gonna sigh. And go to bed. Because it's two freaking AM and I should have been sleep hours ago. Damn Netflix...
Goodnight.
