So Hmmm...

I think I may be going through one of those manic moments where the need to put the thoughts out of my head may just have reached a crucial point.  I think I have a panic switch in my head and when the thoughts pile up enough to reach that level, a hatch just opens and they come pouring out.

Yes, I had a bad night last night but I have those periodically.  And yes last nights bad episode was triggered by the ex deliberately trying to hurt my big girl by means of scaring her ass off.  Like I said.  It may have just lost me a television, but the fact that my daughter can still cuddle up in her protection of Mommy fighting the monsters for a little longer made it well worth it.

So I've been watching my news feed very closely and I see all the posts that people think are slipping by without anyone noticing.  At least four people on my newsfeed in the past month have changed their status back to single or in a relationship.  One of them made it a point for me to know he was back to single.

Which I honestly don't understand.  If you know I am attracted to you and want to be with you, why make it a point to tell me that you're single just so that you can go back to ignoring me?  Do you know how much that hurts?

I'm tired of being relegated to the friend role.  I don't want to be your friend.  I want to be your girlfriend.  I feel like putting on a tight leather outfit and doing a rendition of Ashlee Simpson's Girlfriend. 

Just once, I think I'd like a man to have the balls to tell me to my face what is it about me that gets me tossed so summarily into the friend category every time.  But no, they make dates with you and don't show up. Or all they want is sex.  Or all they want is for you to do something for them.  Not that all of this is bad.  I would just like some reciprocation. 

I want to issue a challenge.  I want a guy out there who is not too wrapped up in himself pay me attention.  I want a guy to put himself to the side for just one stinking moment and at least try to see what a nice dateable person I am.

Oh who am i kidding?  It will never happen. Le Sigh...

So I may have pinpointed what triggered my bad mood...

Okay, who wants to take a guess??  Come on!!  Don't be skured, take a wild guess!

You there!  In the corner!  You with your hand up!  Yes you!  What's your guess?

That's right!!  Totally correct is the nice man with the millions of cats!!  It was the infamous ex!!

So suffice to say I think I totally fucked my chances of weasling a new television out him last night but it was so totally worth it that I would do it again on any damn day of the week.

So I think I may or may not have blogged that my oldest girl needs surgery to fix her eye muscles.  She has  one lazy eye that goes side to side and one lazy eye that goes up and down.  Yeah I know, This is bad eyesight inbreeding at it's best right here.  The girl who needed an upped eye glass prescription for most of her life married Mr. Frog eyes and this is the result.  Hehe sorry, having a bad day, the alliterations are not going to be nice.  They will be colorful but not nice.

Anyway the short of it is, I love my child more than life and air and water, but her eyes are fucked up and surgery will put her on the right path to getting non fucked up eyes.  I am totally fine with this so long as they don't blind my child.  Her father however is not fine with this because he, and I quote, has "lived his entire life in glasses and done just fine."

Do not even get me started.  You know how when you come out of a bad relationship and you look back and wonder if you were drunk the entire time?  Yeah that's me.  He had the potential to be a nice guy... sometimes... and he was an okay father... sometimes... but physically speaking I think he must have exuded this roofie aura cause the only way I can explain being physically attracted to him was if I was seriously strung out for the entire time I was with him.

Anyway, so last night he was speaking to the kids and he asked Kayla where her glasses were and she flat out admitted that she lost them.  He then had the audacity to tell her that if she didn't start wearing the glasses they were going to cut into her face.

Yes you read that so right... cut into her face...

I mean what the fuck??  Who the hell says that to a child???  I don't think she heard what he was saying because I was smart enough to know where he was going when the sentence started off with "Do you know what's going to happen if you don 't wear your glasses?"

Man bloggers, I lit into his ass.  Normally I say our children or your child or some version of possessiveness but last night the main line I kept screaming at him was that he was not going to do that to my daughter.  He was not going to scare my daughter.  I totally pulled the whoile mther lion whose cubs just got fucked with routine and you know what, I think I may have gotten through to him.

How can I tell?  Simple.  He was stuttering.  He only stutters when I have so totally blacked out on him that shit spewed out of my mouth that may or may not have made sense but definitely hurt.  This usually involves spews about his mother and so on.  I can't honestly tell you all the things that I said but I know that I screamed at him for over ten minutes and felt physically lighter when I was done.

I also had a great sense of loss for the flat screen television that I was trying to make him get for us...

Damn mouth... but it needed to be said.  Whatever I said.

So yeah, I think I have pinpointed why I want to run around screaming at everyone that makes eye contact with me...   Hmmm... That was easy... Everyone should have a blog.  It makes life a lot clearer.

You can come out now.  The sotrm is about over... I promise not to hurt the innocent ones anymore.

For the next few minutes anyway...

Insert really scary maniacal grin here...

Excuse me I need to have a mental breakdown day...

This is your disclaimer.  This is one of those foul mouth blogs that it would be better for you not to read if you have a sensitive stomach.  This is your first and last warning!

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* Seriously, this is it folks.  I have opened up a can of foul mouth monkey and there is no turning back after this.  Walk away.  Walk away now!
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I'm sorry, but this is going to be one of those days where I just am no good to anyone.  None at all.  I just want to run around and scream "Fuck you!" at anyone unfortunate enough to make eye contact with me.

I think everyone has those days, they're just too pussy to admit it.  Well, I'm admitting it.  I'm having one of those days and if you don't want to get your feelings hurt, DON'T READ!

I am so damn tired of people acting like I'm not allowed to have a life because I have kids. 

I will not sit around my house wasting away and waiting for shit to hit DVD because I couldn't get to the movies anymore.  I will not sit at home waiting for you to see if maybe I want to tag along.  Man fuck you!  I am not the third wheel on your fucked up ass tricycle!

My kids are not your responsibility.  AT ALL!  Did you carry them for nine months?  Did you lay down with me and help create them? Were you there in the delivery room when I had them?  Where were you when I was up all fucking night changing diapers and doing feedings??  Huh?  You were living your merry little life not knowing or caring that I was even alive.  Not caring or knowing that they were alive so why the fuck do you want to look at me now that they're here and I feel like after twelve years I wanna go do something while they enjoy a little TV time at the house?

You know what?  I am a much better mother than some of these tricks out there.  I honestly know some tramps and skeezes that leave their children at like six and five at home with sesame street for a goddamn babysitter while they go have lives.  My kids are 13, 11, and 10.  They are old enough to watch themselves for a couple of hours, old enough not to burn down my fucking house and old enough to know how to dial a fucking phone should something go wrong.  They are much older than I was when I was a latch key kid.

I was a latch key kid at 8... In New fucking Jersey!  My kids are pre teen in West middle of Bumblefuck, North Carolina!  I came home to an empty house and let myself in and called my moms job and let them know I was home and I was fine.  My kids can come home and do the same damn thing.

Why am I so mad?  Fuck if I know.  I'm just tired of sitting home while everyone else has a life and don't fucking say, that's my fault cause that is just one fo the many things that it is not safe for you to say right now.

Like I said, this is one of those days that I just want to act like I'm on world's biggest rag.  I want to walk around like I;m fucking Atlas with the ever growing world on my shoulders and screaming one big Ghetto like "What the fuck you lookin; at, bitch?" to everyone that makes eye contact.

And I can do that.  Why can I do that?  Because I want to.

I told you it was a bad day.  And it is a bad day.