No, I didn't go running screaming into the night. I've actually been keeping on the DL lately.
It's amazing how when you think you are saying one thing, other people who really love you can see past what you think you are saying to what you are really saying. And how totally different people see the same words and take them at face value.
Last week. Possibly Tuesday or monday when I was at one of my lower points, I sent out two messages to people in my church. One to the Ladies Mime ministry on which I dance as apart of the group and one to the Young Adults Ministry. In both letters it said that I needed to leave both auxiliaries because it was a tough time in life and I wasn't sure if I had it in me to continue. Both presidents responded. One with it was okay and I didn't need to quit. To which I responded that I didn't know if I was going to have a place to live or custody of my kids by the end of the following month to which the response I got was it's all good, we've been there. Don't think she was being cold...she really just had no idea that I was basically saying I was done, I couldn't go on anymore. She responded as would most people who don't know the situation would. Now the other auxiliary, I sent basically the same message to and she outright asked what was going on to which I told her the same thing. Within five minutes a prayer circle was started for me. Continued that Wednesday at church. The fact that someone in that group honestly saw that I was saying goodbye probably before I explained why touched me so much. They will never know that in my sea of sharks and emptiness, they were the life preservers that kept me afloat.
I used to think that if I try enough to show people that I don't know how to ask for help they might actually take the time to look a little deeper into my words. To date, only the ladies in the Mime group have done that. Friends that I have had for years on top of years didn't even notice that I was drowning. I don't know if that means I didn't sound like I was drowning or they are just wrapped up in their own lives.
And that sounds cruel. They have a lot going on in their lives. I get that. I more than get that. I'm sure that there have been times in my life when I had something, anything, going on and didn't see that a friend was about to slip through the cracks. So whatever anger I had that certain friends didn't notice my signaling for help, it's gone. To each their own life.
I still have not talked to my son. I can't. I know as his mother I should be the bigger person, but I can't bring myself to do it. He tore the lives his sister knew into pieces at the suggestion of his father and a queen sized bed. My question is, next year when his father decides to move to South Carolina (If that happens likes he's planning) what excuse is he going to use to stay at the school he bonded with in three days? When he doesn't get what he wants is he going to try and come back to my household because even if I am talking to him in a year, I'm pretty sure that one event will be enough for me to rail at him and tell him he had the choice to be in a school for four years and he chose to tear a home apart then now he has to bear the consequences of his actions.
And yes, I still see it as tore a home apart. To be honest, this is the first place that's felt like home since my divorce. A feeling that I never thought I would have. Ever. With one decision, he ripped that from me without even bothering to talk to me about it. Like a king on a mountain throne, he passed down this edict and boom. He's safe, his life is unchanged, and the lives of three people he supposedly loved are torn to shreds. It's going to take me awhile to get over that feeling. Right now, I don't see the light in that particular tunnel.
On a bright side, I think I finally cured myself of something bloggers. I saw an old friend last night. Yes I slept with this person in the past. By past I mean what seems like an eon ago and I attached my heart to my... whatever and I formed feelings for him that I shouldn't have. For a year I held onto the slightest feeling that he may come back and we could have something real. He contacted me the other night and we set plans for last night. I was a good girl, bloggers, I DID NOT rush around my house cleaning up and making everything look perfect. I DID NOT go and put on a slinky dress to show sex appeal. I DID NOT put on perfume so that he'd smell it and comment. I smelled like sweat and bbq smoke as I was BBQing when he got here. I wondered what I would feel when he got out of his car. Would I feel that flutter in my tummy that signaled I was still sexually attracted to him? Would I throw tons of sexual innuendo at him so that he'd suggest it and I could be bold and turn him down or submit and get some. But you know what, I felt absolutely nothing other than pleasure to see an old friend. That was it. And it was great. It felt so freeing that there isn't really another way to describe how I felt. Now, this isn't to say that if he decided to ask me out or kiss me or whatever I would turn away. I'll probably never do that to any guy but I'm happy being friends.
Now If I can just jump that very same hurdle with my latest crush I just might find myself back on the sanity side of the funny farm. I'm taking baby steps. At the moment I've made a choice to not text him. At all. Not even to say hello. IF I can work my fingers into other projects, I think I may accomplish that one.
Life is hard. I swear it's hard. Probably I make it harder than it needs to be. There's no doubt that we all make parts of our lives harder than God's intended for them to be and then look back and ask Him why He did that. I'm recognizing that I am doing this to myself. It's going to be hard and there's probably a cartoon path of ease right next to this path I''m traveling but you know what? I'm going to learn much more from this path than I will from the bright sunny path.
Ciao, bloggers!
