Hmmm..

I want to go on a cruise or go visit another country.  I feel like men from another country might just be a little more appreciative of what I have to offer than American men seem not to be.

I'm trying not to complain about it. I've made vows not to complain about it, but I can't help but do so.  American men are just so... so callous when it comes to women.  They seem to think that its okay for them to ignore someone for months on end and then pick up where they left off and its all good. 

From what I can tell, men from other countries don't have this brain deficit.  They understand that if they fuck up and miss a few steps they have to go back more steps than they missed.  That or they just really appreciate women.

What am I saying?  Hmm I don't know.  I'm still just really lonely.  And I'm tired of being lonely.  I don't want to be the one night stand.  I don't want to be the casual fling.  I want a relationship.

Sigh.  Maybe I am destined to be single and blogging forever. 

On a side note a part if me really wants to try out for the bachelor.  Lol.  They've never have a black in or one that had older kids or so many kids.  I think I would be awesome.  I seriously doubt is get a rose at all but I think it'd be awesome.

Que serà.

Okay, I'm outtie...

Today is...

One of those days where I want to sit in bed and just text people.  I don't know why.

But then, I don't know why I do a lot of things or why a log of days feel like they do.

Sigh.  Short blog.  Bleh.

Yawn...

This morning I am speaking in "yawn".  That is to say every single thing I say sounds like one big whiney yawn.  That my kids are really good at translating this is actually a huge surprise!

They have three weeks left and they seem to want to fill it with fighting.  I realize that we do this dance every year.  We get down to the final weeks before the great swap and things either go really good or really bad.  Considering that these are the boys final days with me I am not making big deals out of a lot of stuff.  He is also not trying so hard for me to kill him.  It's all working out kinda well.

Soon this will be a house full of girls.  Lord help us all.  That's all I'm going to say about that.

I really need to blog more.  I mean I have the app on my phone so I have no excuse.  I'm just lazy as help.  See? I came ul with one!  You love me.

I am super duper tired and I'm not overly sure why.  I was up and down all night long and I don't have a reason.  Eh, its Friday.  It's grey out, I'm going back to sleep.  Not that the two are mutually exclusive.

So blog.  Time for medicine.  Ttyl8r!

I think...

I should start keeping a diary of my last days with my son living in my house.  It might better help me to understand why we have the relationship I think we may end up having one day if I can go back and see all the ways that he slowly and methodically hacked away at the trust between he and I.

For awhile now he's been complaining about his lega hurting him and from the very start I asked him was he sleeping on the couch in his room.  He swore to me no, he wasn't.  Even though I could see the pillow and the blanket on the couch.  I told him whatever and told him his let's hurt because he was sleeping on the couch.  He needed to sleep on his bed.  So now weeks have gone by and his legs still hurt. I was starting to get worried because as I could see he was actually sleeping in his bed.

Or so I thought.  I went up this morning because we are still battling the not showering thing and there he was asleep on the couch.

I am nearing the end of my rope with him.  Randy keeps saying that we'll see how this year goes and maybe he'll come back but honestly, I don't want him back.  I don't want my own son back in my house once I am rid of him.  I have this feeling that once he's out things are going to run soo much smoother that I may be able to find a mental foothold and make the tv in my head stop. 

So now he's in the shower and the girls are doing recon in his room and pulling stuff out.  At the moment they have county thirty if the missing cups in there some with juice.  Potato chip bags and soda cans and bowls.

They also found ten dollars.  I asked him where this came from he said people at school pay him for things like going to get stuff for them like pencils from another room.  Either he's someone's bitch or there's more to this story.  I'm betting its the latter.  One more month...

This is the saddest part if all this has become my new mantra.  One more freaking month.

Ugh!

Today is one of those days where I pretend that it's a good day but in reality I just wanna walk out in the middle of the street and scream FUCK at the top of my lungs for as long and as loud as they will let me.

And here's the kick in the face:  There are way too many effing reasons to pinpoint why!

I mean, there's the usual.  I'm so lonely I could and usually do cry.  I mean on the nightly.  Can't relax myself with a small drink anymore because a small drink relaxes my brain into thinking that it has the right to think about the fact that not one damn person on this godforsaken planet wants me.  And I can have friends who will do the obligatory "You are pretty... No you  are!  Don't feel that way... the right guy will come along and he'll be worth the wait..." bull and it might draw a smile from me for the moment but you know what.  screw the wait.  Would it kill for just one guy to want me now?  Would it be so much to ask the cosmos to send someone, anyone, that finds me attractive enough to want to be with me?? I mean what the hell did I do that was so effed up that I have to be punished for this many years??

And then there's my issues with Kayla.  There is something off there.  I don't want to say something wrong.  It's not wrong, it's off.  I know it is.  And I'm tired of doctors blowing me off.  They have been blowing me off since she was one years old and I'm tired of it.  I get called over concerned.  I get told I'm just trying to medicate my children.  I have even been told that I have munchousin Syndrome.  I mean really?!?  All of this so that they won't simply check her.  Well no more.  They will check her.  They are going to get my baby right.

I finally have a departure date for my kids.  They will be going back with Randy the day after the Graduation at Kayla and Livy's school.  He's flying out for it and he's taking the kids back with him.  So I need to have Jovaughn packed up and ready t leave my house for good by then.  The girls just need to be packed up and ready to be gone for the summer.  Last Summer it wasn't as bad but this summer is going to be bad.  Very bad.  Last Summer I hadn't had male companionship in a long time so not having it then was no big deal to me.  All I wanted was to hang out with my friends and chill.  Then I met him and I had it for the first time in a long time and dammit I don't know if it was the fact that for the first time ever my eyes rolled back in my head on their own own or maybe because of the mere fact that it was it but I miss it.  It's like a kid who grows up not having a lot to eat all their life.  Then they go a few months and they have all they want.  Then they're forced to go back to basically nothing.  That kid is going to do it because they know deep down they can but before they remember that they can survive on barely anything they go damn near crazy first.  That's where I am.  Damn near crazy.

Dealing with my roller coaster moods is driving me crazy.  I mean honestly crazy.  My days of being able to cope with being able to call the shots on whether or not I act on getting up out of bed some days is becoming a real challenge.  The temptation to take one of my bottles of vodka and just numb myself and do whatever floats across my brain some days is way to tempting.  Listening to the voices in my head has become too much of a hassle just like shutting them up has become too much of a hassle.  Blogging to let at least one of them have a voice every now and them is too much.  It's like a effing television that some has turned the volume up to max and hidden the remote.  All the channels are playing loudly and I can't stop it.  I have stories that need to be written shouting their words at me.  I have alternate realities playing out in there to the point where sometimes, I don't know what's real and what fake.  I sometimes wake up and I'm so confused that Im in the bed I'm in because I felt so real and so safe in the dream..  Almost like this was the dream.  All of my doubts are screaming at me from another section.  While the little dwindling part of me that still trying hard to hold on to reality is screaming alternate pleas for help and shouts of something I can't make out.  Then there's my mothers voice.  The one that booms over it all telling me what to do, why I need to do it, when to do it, how to do it, where to do it, what the outcome will be, and the consequences of not doing it will be.  Liquor makes the dull, I find but isn't that the point?  The make them shut up for even a little while?  Of course when they quiet for even a little while, I'm lonely which leads back to the top of my problems.

It's getting to be too much.  And I... I don't know if I can do it much longer. 

And the sad thing is... I think the only place I can admit that out loud, is my blog.