Dear him...

I am happy to report that I no longer think about you from day to day.  You might cross my mind about every other week and even then only in passing.  I can actually drive past your house and don't glance over at your windows and wonder if you are sitting there.

I watched Robin Hood Prince of Thieves the other day.  I haven't been able to do that since last September.  Everytime I tried, I remembered you kissing me up my wrist and the events that happened afterward.  That doesn't happen anymore.  I got to watch and enjoy the movie for the first time in almost a year since you left me.

I went to the mall the other day and you know what?  I parked in the same parking lot where you first kissed me.  It has been a solid year this week since I have been able to even walk in that parking lot without remembering or tearing up because I remember that first kiss.  The first kiss that had me walking on cloud nine for weeks.  It might seem like a small accomplishment and really nothing at all to anyone else, but I parked there.  And I went into the mall and didn't think about you once.

I enjoy baking again.  I don't think about how you liked my brownies or how your roommate liked them and my cookies.  I don't have thoughts that maybe I should swing by your house and leave some wrapped in in your mailbox just to let you know that someone is still thinking about you.

Because I don't.  I don't think about you very often and for that I am glad.

The huge gigantic hole that you left in my already bruised heart isn't quite so big anymore.  I might be able to give it to someone some day and give it to them only slightly bruised but with no hole.

I don't have to look at the floor the few times I think of you because thinking about you makes me cry.

Since you left, I have cried more than I have in years.

I never knew why I cried.  Even after you left.  I still don't know why, but I don't cry.

I can work Friday and Saturday nights until closing and enjoy myself while I'm there because I'm not waiting to get out of there and go hang out in the parking lot talking with you or kissing you.  I'm doing my job and enjoying almost every minute of it with the knowledge that there's nothing in the parking lot that I'm running for.

Parking lots at night are no longer my silent cold enemy.  A parking lot is simply that.  A parking lot.

I don't want you to think I am being cruel because that is not my intention.  I actually want to say thank you.

You kissed me.  You held me.  You actually lifted me off the ground. You talked to me about things you didn't talk to anyone else about.

For those brief few months.  I didn't feel awkward at kissing or scared to death that I wasn't doing it right.  I didn't feel fat because you could lift me in the air without groaning.  You made me feel every bit like a tiny teenager.  When you wrapped your arms around me, I felt wanted.  You taught me how to make out in the backseat of a car.  You made me feel special.

For those brief few months, you made me feel like I meant something.  So I thank you for the time.  I thank you for the experience.  I thank you.

But that's where it ends.

Maybe one day we might be friends again and who knows maybe one day you might be the one to evoke that special feeling in me again.  I doubt it but who knows what fates plan is?  If we end up as friends I am happy to call you such.  If not, I'll be okay.

Thank you.

And goodbye.

I've been away for a long time

I'm going to be honest. I have been a very good girl social media wise because at first I was trying to show someone that not everything in my life has to go online for people who know me to know.  I was in a way, trying to show him that I'm really not one of those people that shares everything.  Then it turned into me thinking that my facebook friends really don't need to know every detail of my life and even that evolved into, Fuck it, I don't have time to be on Facebook typing out whats wrong or what I feel or what's happening.  

Like seriously, I haven't had the time to spend online in awhile now.  And when I have the time I would much rather prefer to be with actual friends or in my bed.  I love my online friends but I'm sorry sometimes, you come way below my other priorities.  And I don't mean that to sound cruel because I'm sure that when your lives get hectic, I might be the last thing you think about.  So yeah...

I haven't posted my thoughts on the recent cop on black killings.  I haven't posted my thoughts on the church burnings nor the South Carolina church shooting.  I may have posted one thought on Sandra dying in Texas.  Partly because honestly, it's not worth any rant I might have.  Who's listening anyway?

But the last few 48 hours of my life.  They are something I need to blog about so that hopefully in a year when Timehop reminds me of this I will see it and remember that I need for it not to happen ever again.

I've blogged about the girl from work that annoys the shit out of me on random basises.  She had actually not annoyed me for a good while now.  Not so much that it stayed on my mind.  Saturday she did.  I was talking with my new boss about how they should open a chain of Howie's over where I live and how it would bring in the other side of the map where we don't deliver to.  In fact it would connect to the Sugar creek store.  I did however say to him that if they ever do open a Howies out here while I am still with the company, Sugar creek or wherever will lose me because yes, I will want to work five minutes away from my house.  F looked at me (mind you she was not in the conversation AT ALL) and said, "So what I hear is that you want to be selfish and inconvenience everyone else so that you will be getting what you want."  I actually didn't understand where she was coming from so I asked how did she figure I would be inconveniencing anyone.  She says because she likes her 20 minute drive and I was talking about adding at least 20 more minutes to her commute.  She thought I was talking about them moving the Sugar creek store to be closer to my house. 

It has long been a pet peeve of mine people who jump in a conversation before they are one, invited to do so or two, know what the conversation is about.  She jumped in with both feet and didn't know anything about what I was saying.  And she got defensive.  And stayed defensive throughout the day sniping at me in anyway she could.  I'm sorry but I had daydreams of docking her, throwing her in a pan and running her through the oven.  I would never do it because that would be... well.. uh... that would be murder... borderline torturous murder but still murder... and I don't wanna go to jail. Jail is bad.  I look horrible in orange.  Jail is NOT like Orange is the New Black.  Jail is bad.  No murder.  Just daydreams.

Then today, my car finally decided that since I won't listen to it's random chokes and small deaths it was going to stage a quite dramatic death today.  It died three or four times before I got to work today on the way to work.  One of those time I pulled off on the side of 485.  That time was probably where I ran over something that sliced my already balding tire.  By the time it sat in the parking lot at work for an hour... it was flat.  And dead.  Very dead.

But I wasn't actually upset about it because I know whats wrong and it's a cheap fix really.  While I was dealing with it, I had a customer come into the store that I dread seeing everytime he comes in.  Every food service person has this customer.  They all hate this customer.  He says he wants his usual.  Then he changes it.  He says yes when you repeat his order back to him to confirm it because you KNOW he's going to find fault in the final product which he does and he manages to make you feel two feet tall in the process.

Today was the first time he tried that shit on me.  It did not go well for him.

He ordered a medium Philly cheese steak pizza with no mushrooms, 2x the steak, and 2x the provolone.  He wanted the green pepper and the onion.  I repeated this back to him three times.  I did so in front of my manager, J.  He confirmed it.  I made it, I knew he was going to find fault with it and I was prepared. (Every time he comes in he does this and he always gets the messed up pizza as well as the free remake to take with him when he leaves.  I know this is his endgame.) He said I messed it up.  I told him point blank that I confirmed his order three times and he said yes.  He told me I was wrong.  Even though I had the power in my numbers to say, "Yes sir, I will remake that for free" I refused.  I called J who CONFIRMED that he heard the man confirm the order as I read it back to him.  The customer then told both of us that we were wrong and he did not say that he wanted green peppers.  Then he said he didn't like my attitude and wanted a refund because at this point it was clear by my non movement towards the makeline to remake his pizza that he wasn't getting a remake without serious fight from me.  J refunded his money but he wasn't done yet.  He somewhat politely (and I hate when angry customers suddenly get polite because it means they are about to rip you a new one) asked if he could tell me something and I said yes.  He said he overheard that I was having problems with my car and he didn't appreciate that I was taking my frustration out on him.  In my profession the image I present to the customer was everything and tonight my image was almost enough for him to take his business elsewhere (pretty sure that my blue contacted eyes were screaming "fine please do so you pompous asshat! Don't let the door hit you on the way out!)  

When he was finished I asked him if I could respond.  He should have said no.  But he said yes.  I told him that I have been here at lease three times that he has done this to other members of the staff, changing his order and making them feel like they messed up when he does this just to get a free pizza out of it and he was not going to do it to me because I know what he said, I had a witness to what he said and that my attitude had nothing to do with my car and had everything to do with how I was being treated by him.  I was calm, I didn't yell, I didn't cuss, I just said it and I also let him know that everytime he walks out of here with two pizzas and tonight he was not going to do it.  he was not going to make me feel two feet tall to achieve his endgame.  He actually tried to come back with a response but I cut him off that tie and said "No, you had your say and I responded, it was over and there would be no more said on the subject and I hoped that he had a good night from then on there.  Goodbye."

And I walked away.  

I'm part of the management team now.  I can't lose my cool but I also can't let people walk all over me.  I have been doing it way too much lately.  People are systematically taking pieces of me from me that I can't afford to lose anymore.  It's time for me to stop always being the one that says yes and I'm sorry.  It's time for me to say no.  Not No and I'm sorry, just no.  Enough is too much and I just can't and won't do it anymore.

I get up every morning and tell myself that today is a new day and I am me and no one is going to change who I am and now, now it's time for me to believe and enforce that so that's what I'm doing.  If I lose a few friends or acquaintances in the process, I'm sorry but part of knowing someone is to accept them as they are and the changes that comes with the world they live in shaping them.  This is one of my changes.  If you cannot handle it, I'm pretty sure that you know where the door is.

I need to go to bed.  IT's been a long weekend and I really want it to end now.  I never thought I would say this, but I am so glad it's Monday!