Can I just say Fuck the New Year?

I mean really... I just wanna say Fuck it and keep on trucking.

Christmas was great, Thanksgiving was good.  But the New Year?  The New Year always sucks.  Every year.  Every single effing year.

Even when I'm with my friends on New Years because they have SO's (Significant others) so they have someone to kiss at midnight.  Not even when I was married did I have anyone to kiss.  Randy always chose to have 24 hour duty that night and if he didn't he went out with his friends because we were usually in the North.  Upon reflection I realize he was probably with the horse most of those years but still...

NEver once have I gotten the midnight kiss.  And it sucks.  I get the 12:02 kiss because someone looked over and realized that I was sitting there in the corner looking like I was going to cry.  But never the midnight kiss.

It's kind of like always being the bridesmaid and never the bride.

Did I forget the warning that this is going to be one of those blogs where I whine?  It is.  I'm going to.  This is your only warning.

I have never enjoyed the new year.  I'm  always single and watching my friends be happy.  It's kinda like every other day except that this is the day where it's socially acceptable to be pised drunk and blame the inevitable crying on  the masses of alcohol in your body.

So the majority of this year has been spent really wanting to be with one guy. It's a guy that I work with and really really like although sometimes I don't know why.  He's smart, he's funny, and he's handsome. (Well I think he;s handsome.  NO one else seems to think this.)

I went out with him once and we spent the summer talking about then I fucked up royally and let my nager get the best of me and did something really stupid.  And I lost him.

He and I have just started talking again and I invited him over for new years partly because I still like him and partly because I really don't want to be alone at midnight.  I am totally willing to sit and watch tv with him JUST so I won't have to be alone.

But three people know that I invited him and two of those three people said in the flattest voice I have ever heard "He's not going to come.  He might say he will but he won't"

Just once I would like to live in one of those worlds where your friends actually help you get the guy.  They talk you up and try to get him to see that you would be good for him.  They try to make him see that giving you a chance would be a good thing.  They urge him to ask you out.

But no, I live in the real world where people are brutally honest with me and tell me that no matter how hard I try he's never going to like me that way and I'm wasting my time.  I live in the real world where none of them notice how much their brutal honesty makes me cry and how shitty it makes me feel that once again I have feelings for a guy that not only doesn't seem to like me but that they find unacceptable

And God himself help me (or them) if one more person tells me that they think I can do better.

If I can do so much better then where the fuck is the guy that I can do so much better with?  Huh?  Where?  MAybe you guys should find him for me because obviously I can't.  His GPS seems to be broken.

Just once can I have someone that I want?  Is that so hard to ask of life.  Of Fate, of God? Of whomever is in charge of such things?  Am I really supposed to live in a constant state of wanting to lock myself in a closet instead of watching people I love be happy because them being happy only makes me that much more miserable because I have no one to be happy with???

I'm thirty fuck five and I have nothing to show for it except grey hair and three teenagers.

Don't say it!  I KNOW my kids are awesome and fantastic and all of that but I want love.

How am I so wrong to want that?  How am I so wrong to want that one guy that sees me and smiles?  That one guy that drops a kiss on my forehead just because.  That one guy that when we leave the room leans down a drops a peck on me just because?  How am I so damn wrong to want that?

Man, fuck the new year.  And fuck new years resolutions.  They never happen.

I woke up this morning crying.  I've been crying for the last four hours.  I've also been drinking water because God forbid I go into an asthma attack because dehydration or some stupid shit because of crying.  I need to stop crying because I have to go to work in a few hours where I have to pretend to be a sane human being and not cry.  Not that it's going to matter because everyone there is so damn happy with their lives that not one of them really notice that mast days I want to jump off a fucking water tower.  I guess I'm that good at making people think I'm happy.

Maybe I should be an actress.  I seem to be good at it.  No one outside of the maybe two people in the world that read this know that I tend to wake up crying and go to bed crying.

Next year I will turn 36.  I have no desire to see this day.  I would rather walk into traffic tonight than see this next year.

Sometimes I wonder if I was to just fall down dead would anyone but my mother and kids care?  And would even my kids care since now that live in the world of ipods and tablets and cell phones?

One should definitely not blog when one has had nothing but water to drink.  Especially when said water never seems to make it to her bladder because it keeps falling out of her eyes.  One should realize that she lives in the real world where he friends will always tell her that the guy she likes is never going want her.  One should really stop referring to herself as one.


Fuck the fucking new year.  Fuck it all. Fuck Fuck Fuckity fucker fucking fuck.

I need another cup of water, I think I have finished crying out the last one...

Holiday madness

First off let me start with a little bit of a gripe...  If I make Chocolate chip cookies and follow the nestle toll house recipe, my cookies come out flat and they don't taste that great.  If I follow the Ghirardelli recipe they come out all nice and fluffy.  Dude, WTF??  I guess I'll know which recipe I'll be following from now on...

So as usual the holiday bring madness and rushing and general crankiness.  I'm rushing because I have no time.  When I have time, I have no money, and when I have money and time I have zero motivation.  The holidays aren't what they used to be for me.  See I was an only child growing up.  I was my moms only so Christmas time was when the little spoiled girl got to be even more spoiled.  I remember the year my mom sat up al night trying to figure out how to connect my brand new NES to the television.  Six AM couldn't come fast enough.  When I was in high school I honestly don't remember any Christmas gifts I got.  I know at one point I got a computer but I'm not sure if that was Christmas or what.  I used the hell out of windows paint though.  Remember that program?  It was awesome.  I think I mostly got clothes during my high school years.  Why?  I don't know.  I wore two things.  Denim and my band uniform.  Pretty much that was it.  College don't remember the gifts I got Freshman year.  I mostly wanted to sleep.  My Sophomore year, they weren't so much Christmas gift than  Wedding/ Baby gifts.  After that Christmas gifts for me?  Are you kidding, hell no.  That year I had one baby, the following year I had two babies and the year after that... I had three babies.  My family was so busy outfitting the kids that I was often left with a pair of slippers of a nightgown so I came to appriciate the little things.  Hell year I would take that nightgown!  It signified that one day soon, I might actually be able to wear it for a whole hour without a baby spitting up on it or throwing baby food at it and that one day oh praise Jesus I might get to ... sleep in it.

As my kids got older, I came to look for the... and I'm sorry to call it this but there really isn't any other word... crap that they made at school and brought in the ten cent santa store that came to school.  I had beads and baubles and macaroni hand sculptures... The list was endless and I loved every single one of them.

But the Holidays as a single mom are way different.  Every year I have no money.  Every year I scrounge around for at least something to put under the tree.  Two years ago I asked for donations because I was sick of my kids never having a good Christmas from Mommy.  I was sick of every year, Daddy going out and outdoing anything I could possibly do by a million miles.

And then there's the fact that I only enjoy every other holiday because I only have my kids every other holiday.  I have them this year.  So this year I love the decorate and bake for others and to make other happy.  Next year, Oh I'll be a true to heart grinch next year.  (I will also hit the after Christmas day sale and get the best presents at half off and wrap them like a pro and make them look like they've been there all along.)

THis year, I'm working but instead of being able to save up money for gifts, I've been doing the responsible parent thing and paying the bills.  Paying them so well that nothing has been turned off but at the same time, the holiday fund is just not there.  I get paid on Friday.  On Friday, I have to go out and get gifts for my mom, my aunt, and all three of my kids.  Oh yeah, plus Olivia's birthday is Friday.  I have already ordered her necklace  Hopefully it will be here by Thursday night.

My kids are awesome though.  They know that there may be little under the tree from Mommy at Christmas but Taxmus is always just around the corner.

Never heard of Taxmus?  That's when mommy gets her income tax refund and they get the stuff they really want.  LIviy wants a new bed and bedspread.  Kayla wants a purple headboard for her bed.  I think LIvy might get her bedspread for Christmas and I will hit the yard sales and restore for Kay;as headboard and maybe I can sand it and paint it and decorate it  maybe paint some flowers or something.  I'll figure it out.  It will be nice.

So this year, I think I am going to get Kayla supplies for Gods eyes or some kit, Livy will get her bedspread for her bed that she'll be getting in February. I might get the boy a few tee shirts from Walmart.  Something that fits him.  Mommy wants a new housecoat.  I have no clue whatsoever what to get my aunt.  I think I will search the bookstores and find something along the ways of a new and interesting bible that I'm pretty sure she doesn't have.  Maybe I can find an autographed copy.  Pretty sure that's about the ONLY bible she doesn't have... I am so screwed.

I will find something.  Maybe I... no.

Oh well, I will figure out something.  let the holiday madness continue...

So usually when I don't blog...

It's generally because I have nothing to blog about.  I mean I can sit here and start a bullshit blog from time to time because it usually takes a form and away I go but sometimes, I just don't feel like bullshitting.  Also, sometimes, things just might be going so monumentally shitty in my life that I don't want any evidence of it online.  I don't want in any way to be able to look back at certain things in my life and say "Damn..."  I'm not going to learn from that, I'm just going to put myself in another funk that's going to suck more air out oy day in the future.

Today, however, I actually have a topic.  And granted it's one of those shitty things that I just said I don't generally want reminders of but this time, I think I need to put this online so that I can look back and remind myself that I've been here and treading this path again is not necessary.

Fair weather friends.  I hate them.

Everyone has one or two, some unfortunate people have three or more.

Now I'm not talking about that high school person that you have on your social media that you always see posting but you never really talk to.  Except for that one status out of a million random ones that they choose to remind you that they are there on.  Those friends are just long distance friends.  Even if they used to be best friends they are now long distance best friends.  When you travel home, you make it a point to see them, to coo over their children that you remember as small but now they're huge, Give them long hugs because they recently had a break up, admire because you just haven't seen them.  They are always your friends that want nothing but the best for you and the feeling is mutual but because of your distance you kind of exist on a plane that says "If I don't see you posting for like a week, not even a random share, I'm going to text/email you and ask you if you are okay because no matter what, we ALWAYS have updated contact info."

I'm fine with that friend.  This friend is awesome and always will be.

No, the 'friend' I am talking about is the one that you have a relationship that has slowly declined into one of you being a venting board for the other.  This friend calls you on random days to "check in" but right after they hear your voice and are assured that you are indeed still alive they launch into a guilt trip about not hearing from you in a long time or they skip right over that and launch into telling you about every single bad thing in their life that's happened.  They don't even notice that your end of the conversation consists of basically "uh huh" and "mmmm".  Nine times out of ten, when they're finished dumping on you about the shit in their lives, they have to go.  That tenth time, oh you're lucky then...  They break out the, "So what's going on in your life?" but the second you begin to tell them, they have to hang up.

This 'friend' also might do something as callous as say, call you in the middle of the night crying which, because they are your 'friend' or in my case one of my 'best friends', triggers that special part of you that wants to make their world okay.  Even if that means sitting up ALL NIGHT and talking to them (Again I refer to your end of the conversation being "Mmmm" and "uh huh").  And once you are wide awake and your sleep interrupted brain is trying to process whatever pain your 'friend' is going through (Which, if you are empathetic like me, brings your right down.) They feel better and... have to go.  You wanna commit murder on a grand scale of everyone that cause your friend the pain that made her call you at one am crying, but she's fine.  You chug a pot or two of coffee and you carry on with your day since you won't be sleeping anymore.  But warning, DON'T try to call said friend later that day to find out if they are okay because you won't get an answer.  And if you do, you will probably get told that YOU woke THEM up but it's okay because, "Lemme tell you about THIS SHIT..."

So you start to drift away from this friend.  You stop calling, you stop daily texting them, you stop reminding them that you exist.  One to see if they seek you out to find out how you are.  Two to try and remove yourself from their radar. and three, because you're just plain tired of being the one they call whenever something bad has happened.  Months go by and you get maybe one text and said text includes the lines "What happened to us?  You don't call, you don't text.  Did you forget about me?"

Raise your hand if that simple text has made you just wanna take a day trip to slap them.

So you feel slightly guilty and you go back to texting them and calling them once a week until you realize you've fallen into the same fucking pattern again and you are once again the venting board friend.  So you distance yourself... again.

Shit happens in your life but you don't call them because you don't want to be that friend.  The one that only calls when shit is happening and you need to vent.  Your momma raised you better than that.  Not to insult said friends momma but come on...

And then one day you look down at your social media and there's this message from said friend saying that they have been wanting to message you but THEY had to get over being hurt because YOU haven't called or texted to check in on THEM.

They wish you the very best in life and are sad that they have been forgotten by you.

Major guilt trip.

Only this time, you don't want to trip so you don't take the ticket.  Instead, you finally let them know why you haven't called or texted and remind them that the telephone does work both ways. You unload everything on them and hope that they finally see the truth in what your friendship has become.

But you know what?  You know deep down that that they won't see.  They'll be mad at you for a month and then they'll extend the olive branch back to you saying that they won't unload on you anymore and even though you can hear the underlying sneer in their voice because you pointed out that's what they were doing you agree to put it behind you and you start texting and calling again and you fall into the same damn trap all over again.

It's happening to me right now.  I'm waiting for her to randomly text me with the "i'm sorry, I didn't know you felt that way." text.

Sigh...  I was having such a good day.  My computer is back to working, I've been working on my room and can actually see my floor in parts now.  I even started my laundry so I'll have clean underwear.  And now I have a monster headache that is threatening to swallow me whole.  I think I am going to go retreat into Sim City solitude.

FUTURE DETTE:  When you read this, remember you've been in this cycle before.  Don't fall for it chickie, Cut them off.  They've handed you the scissors more than a couple of times now.  USE THEM!!!!

Stay frosty bloggers.  And stay away from fair weather friends.  Just stay away.

Happy December!

I just got back from P and J's for Walking dead night (Which turned into Walking Dead, Grey's Anatomy, and Once upon a Time but it's totally cool because we are bad asses who can do that and still function in the morning.... Well they can function in the morning, I have the day off tomorrow, so I'm going to climb back into my cubbyhole of a blanket fort and sleep till noon.)

I had one of those days that upon reflection can best be described as... interesting.  If you are male, you may want to stop reading.   Just saying...

I got up at seven this morning because I had to shower since today was the (insert sarcastic) yay! Pap smear... She wanted to do it last week but mother nature still had her claim on me and despite the fact that she looked me in the eye and said "So?" I refused to let her go up there with all that going on.  Just... no.

So today was the day.  It was supposed to be a quick in and out, pardon my saying.  But she pressed down on the tummy and serious pain radiated throughout my abdomen.  The kind of pain where you don't say ouch but visible tears not only spring to your eyes but fall in streams.  Yeah.  That kind of pain.  Which led to her going back up there to see what was going on.  Yay!  two speculums in the space of ten minutes.  Lucky me.  Suffice to say, this counts as an abnormal visit.  She asked me about my mother's menstrual history which is, you know something every daughter loves to talk about.  My mother started her menopause in her thirties.  This is a fact I didn't know until today when I outright asked her.  As a matter of fact, I was conceived not only because my mother wanted children but because pregnancy was supposed to stave it off for a few years.  Long enough for her to have a couple of kids and then go into it.  I didn't do my job.  It hit pretty much right after I was born.

But I didn't know all that so I told the dr it hit her at 40.  All I really remember was spending my childhood either freezing in the winter because my mom opened all the windows and turned on the AC in a blizzard because she was hot or suffocating because she got a cold flash in the middle of a heat wave and cracked up the heat...  Lewis then asked when my mom had her hysterectomy.  I said 2002 ish.  which would put my mom in her 50's.  Based on that and the fact that I had an abnormal in 2000 and today's exam and the fact that my periods have been increasingly late, she is sending me for an ultrasound.  Her prognosis... I may not even get to make it to menopause.  They may do a hysterectomy and cut whatever it is that's happening to me off at the pass.

I know I make jokes about me loving to have a hysterectomy and be done with it and all but in all honesty, I'm not ready for it to be over.  I'm not talking about sex.  If I ever get to have that again I know a hysterectomy won't stop that but even though my tubes have been tied for 13 years, I could still get pregnant via in vitro.  Not that I want to.  God no!  I'd never make it out of the great mommy loop sane if I had a baby now.  But the fact that I still could was always there.  And having a hysterectomy would completely take away that option.

My mom thinks that my weight loss may have triggered this sudden change in my cycle.  My doctor thinks I am a ticking time bomb.  Neither are being very re assuring.

Guys you may start reading again.

Somehow on the way to get the title to Auntie's car signed over, Mommy and I got onto the topic of the great fight of 2002.

My mom had just had her hysterectomy and she was in pain.  I get that and I don't know about anyone else's mom but when mine is in pain, NO ONE can be happy and very few people can do right and as her only child nothing I do is right.  I can't drive, I hit every pothole, I turn to fast, I'm too far over the line, I'm driving to slow, I'm driving too fast, I'm walking to fast, I'm patronizing her by walking too slow, the food's too hot, the food's too spicy, the food isn't hot enough, the food isn't tasty enough, that's too much salt, now that's too much pepper, I'm in an undeserved huff because I have to go back to the store to get what she really wants to eat... The list is endless and I do mean just that.  That particular visit (I was living in California at that time) I came home and we got into a major blow up which is to say that she bitched just a little too much and I blew my top and came back at her.  Big no no in my family.  Just bottle it up and never say a word.  I remember that fight because I actually took the train up to NY to stay at my mother in law's place and then the shuttle to the airport back to Cali from there instead of staying with my mom.

She pointed out that we didn't speak for almost a year after that one.  And to my utter shock, she said that she didn't believe that our fight had even affected me once because how could a daughter go almost a year without even calling to check on her mother?

First of all I wanted to distance myself because she did call.  Almost weekly.  And every single call that I answered started with, "If I am allowed, can I at least speak to my grandchildren?"  Seriously, why would I call to initiate a conversation with someone that called to give me a weekly guilt trip?  And her friends and the family we had up there kept me informed.  I did care, I just didn't feel like rehashing the argument or going on the guilt trip.  And we never actually worked that one out,. we just started talking again.  This past summer, we had another one of those fights and in the middle of it, she left to drive to NJ with my aunt.  The morning that she left on a twelve hour car drive (A 69 year old and a 56 year old, both women on the road for what turned out to be 14 hours), she sent me an email telling me she was leaving.  She didn't call, she sent an email. "We are leaving out of here around nine a.m. I will let you know when we get there."  That is what the email said.  She emailed me again when they finally arrived after I freaked out because they were on the road so damn long.  But when I pointed that out this afternoon, what I got was, "Well, I was hurt because you blew up at me."

Raise your hand if you remember that fight.  She called me an asshole and hung up on me.  But she was hurt because I blew up at her.  I would insert a gif of a confused eye roll, but why bother.  Just use the one above.

She said that it's so hard to know what makes me mad because she has to tiptoe around certain subjects for fear of making me mad. I refer you to the aforementioned gif above.   I told her that it's not tiptoeing around what makes me mad, it's that she needs to always keep in mind that I am 35 and have kept not only myself but three children alive for over 15 years now.  I'm an adult.  She tends to treat me like I am 16.  And not a good 16, more like a 16 yr old that gets in constant trouble and needs constant guidance on how to do everything but breathe and sometimes that too.  I almost said that she needed to let me run my own life but even that sounded way harsh in my own head so I didn't let that little pearl of sarcasm go forth.  She didn't like that answer but at that moment, we were at the bank to sign over the title and the conversation dropped.
I am quite certain that I haven't heard the last of this.  More certain than I am that the sun will rise and the Earth will continue to rotate.  And it will come up at one of the worst times.  I dunno when that will be but when things start going to shit, I will be expecting it to come up.

She also started in on the job and how it takes up my time.  I'm not even going to bore you with that one.  The conversation didn't go her way so again, it'll come up again.  And it will keep coming up until she gets the answer she wants which is, I will no long work weekends so that I can sit around with her and my kids while we all play on our phones and ignore each other in the name of family togetherness.  Cause you know that's always better than earning money that might one day enable me to get off section 8...

So anyway, My aunt officially signed her PT Cruiser over to me (my mom) this afternoon.  we went to get it registered and it came up as needing inspection.  We were on our way to get it inspected when I realized it had a flat tire.  Got it changed to the donut that I'm pretty sure has never been used in the 13 years she owned the car and was going to go get the inspection when my neighbor told me that they will not inspect it with a donut.  So it's sitting in my driveway on a donut.  But I can drive it to work and back because I have a 10 day pass.  I get paid on Friday so I will be getting the tire changed, inspected, and plates put on all before I go to work Friday night.

So life isn't bad, it's actually good.  I refuse to see the fact that my mom and I had one of those conversations or the imminent possibility of a looming hysterectomy   as the makings for a bad day.  I got a car today.  It's mine.  I can go back on the road a few times a week.  I.  Have.  A.  Car.

Vroom vroom baby!!

Alls good in the hood and I've taken my night meds.  (I will blog about that tomorrow) so stay frosty bloggers!