No, I am not going to sit here and quote Kelly Clarkson. Although I DO like the song...
Today was a difficult one, bloggers. It was difficult on several levels one being that I didn't actually get to sleep until three AM. I need to work on getting to bed at a decent time and to stop writing....
I hit the floor running at seven fifteen. The first time in a long time.
I had a breaking moment this morning when I had to one. Remove my son from my household officially. My son is no longer apart of my household and with one line through his name it was official in Section 8's eyes.
I swear to God it felt like I was disowning my son. In the old days in England (Pre Victoria) when a father wanted to disown a child, they drew a line through the person's name and birthdate in the family bible. The papers I fill out for my section 8 are like a bible to them and when I had to draw a line through my son's name, DOB, and SSN number I felt like I cut away my arm.
My caseworker had to leave to go get the notice of intention to vacate from her office and I just put my head in my hands. It was all I could do to keep the tears from running down my face, bloggers. I seriously felt like I just kicked him out of my family and I don't like that feeling. Even Ms. B noticed that I was close to crumbling. To be honest, she does her job without emotion which I think is perfect for a government job dealing with families but she often feels so cold to me that I wonder if she has a heart. Again I realized and appreciate that she has to be that way or she could get in serious trouble if ever Harry Heartbreak and Sally Sobstory came in there. She looked me in the eye and said that at 14 years old, my son has no legal right to choose where he wants to live.
So I explained that if I force him to live with me, he will probably become sullen and resentful and my ex will use that to slam me into the first courthouse and defame my character to the point where I loose all my children. She honestly told me I was smart to realize that before it happened. I'm not smart enough to know it. I've lived around him long enough to know him. I know this game. I hate this game but I know it like a well practiced dance.
I had a pair of contacts in my purse this morning. I haven't been wearing my color contacts because they are really one of my masks. I love them. I can pretend to be a vixen or rocker, or someone else when I look in the mirror and my eyes are a totally different color but here lately I haven't wanted to wear them. Today... well today I wanted to be anyone else than the person that just cut her own son from her household. I wanted to be a safe, loved person who has the bosom of her family in her arms. By nine fifteen this morning I hated myself so much that if I could have stepped outside of myself and taken a look I would have beat myself up to an inch of my life. I HATED myself.
How... how does one get there? How does one reach a point in their lives when they despise the person they are??
From best I can figure. from putting too much trust in people that were never meant to have the trust in the first place.
Took Mommy to rehab and then sat in the car making phone calls for an hour. Went to get the girls and then to look at the place I am hoping to rent. It's small but for the sake of my children I will make the best of it. I could do worse and let worse happen because of that choice. I am making the choice to do this.
My honest opinion of the plage bloggers? I was to cry I could fit two of it in the place I have now. But I will do it and I will not let him see how badly this is hurting me.
You know I Totally understand where Angela Bassett was coming from in Waiting to Exhale.
Tonight the ladies in the dance ministry lifted me in prayer. I can't describe the feeling. And as long as I live I will thank God that yesterday when I wrote one of the members to resign the ministry because quite frankly I wanted to walk into traffic, they were smart enough and loved me enough see past I need to resign to see the I quit and goodbye. That is exactly what I wrote.although I didn't realize it. I was writing goodbye letters as if I didn't plan to wake up this morning.
I haven't felt that way in a long time, bloggers. I haven't felt that if I weren't here my children would be better off in a loooooong time. Yesterday I felt like that.
I think I've let today float away on my blog. It won't plague me as badly anymore. I am letting today go.
I'm going to go shower and wash my bad feelings down the drain.
Goodnight, bloggers.
