...is it that the only guys that pay any attention to me are old male versions of cougars? Nothing against them but they make me feel ugly. Guys my age look at me and I don't know what they see, but it's obviously nothing desirable...
Don't mind me, I'm somehow dragging myself kicking and screaming into a funk. God how do I do this tom myself?
Well I know how, I start thinking about my perpetual single state and it's like a free pass to depressionland. I swear it's the biggest theme park I've ever heard of. It's got everything. The hall of realistic mirrors, The roller coaster ride where you get to find out things about your friends via a stalker feed on the side of the facebook you got to keep up with them, oh and let's not forget the dunking booth that's filled with the disenchantment water from Harry Potter and the deathly hallows... I realize that not everyone has seen this movie so basically it's a waterfall that takes away all spells. If you've made yourself believe you're pretty and desirable, this water takes away that illusion and reveals you for the fat frumpy bag you are, or in my case, I am.
Yes, we all love Depressionland. If you buy a season pass it comes with a free xanax prescription.
It would seem that this trip in, I'm living most of my most depressing moments in my dreams. I smile and joke on facebook, but the reality is, I take the mid morning night because I toss and turn at night and yet still manage to wake up with a wet pillow. At first I thought I was just really sweaty but then I realized that the newest ride in Depressionland; Midnight Madness, comes complete with nocturnal unconscious crying.
...Joy...
So yeah, I've reached the point in all this when I'm questioning a lot of decisions I've made in the last few months.
1. Did I really need my nose pierced? I wanted it for so long. I have always thought they looked cool. I still think mine is awesome but I was in Wal-mart today and a little girl said "Mommy, she has a pretty in her nose!" to her mother. The mother looked at me and pulled her daughter closer and told her we don't stare at people like that. I mean WTF? It's not like I had a tattoo suit and piercings coming out of every orifice. Granted that doesn't mean the person under the tats is a bad person but really? A simple nose piercing make me one of those people to others? The whole point of getting it was that for once I was doing something I wanted to do because I had no other reason besides I wanted to. I felt good about making a decision and following through with it. I felt good. Period. Now suddenly, I'm one of those people...
2. The contacts. It's no secret, I really sincerely HATE my brown eyes. I always always have. My dad used to call them beer bottle brown and true to fates way, he said it around his friends and so the name BUD (yes as in Budweiser) has been a constant nickname of mine around those people... and the people they introduce me to when I'm in the same room as them... "Hey remember when your dad called you Bud?" Yes I remember when my dad called me Bud, I was small and tiny and it annoyed me then but I couldn't say anything because I was a child and apparently no matter how old I get I will still be so to you so whats the use of telling you I HATE that effing nickname? I guess you can say the contacts hide Bud.
3. The biggest indecision yet, was instant gratification worth it? I'm not the kind of person that can do that and not feel something. I want to be but then I don't want to be. Ugh!! I'll cry that one out in my dreams. I guess. I can't actually remember some of my night time dreams.
And that's another thing, I can remember most of my mid morning dreams and surprise surprise, we're back to the friends leaving me behind. Not the Charlotte friends or My Sissy. To date, the only person that has been in the mid morning dreams that I actually wanted to see her there was Shelly and that because in every dream she appears in she does the same exact thing... She walks up, looks at the friends leaving me behind, sighs, looks at me, holds out her hand, and says, "You have to pick your heartaches, Claudette, and that is not one you want to dwell on." Go on, ask me what she does after that and I couldn't tell you for crap. She's says the line she helps me up and then poof she's gone. Sometimes it's not the friends dreams, it's something totally different and she says the same thing. This so totally leads me to think that my dreams are being controlled by my subconscious "heart" or wants and desires and neither of them are working with me right now.
I really think it might have been a bad idea to stop taking my depression meds so long ago. Maybe, just maybe the doctor that put me on them had a point. I mean I know that reportedly all military wives are depressed and in need of massive amounts of behavioral medications but maybe I actually needed them... I convinced myself that The problem was Randy and not me. That once I was rid of him on a day to day basis, I didn't need the pills. I think I should have found another doctor and gotten a second opinion of just how mentally deficient I am. Yeah... time to find a doctor. Time to give into my worst fear that I am indeed one of the many masses that actually need uppers and downers.
I hate that expression Fuck my life cause really? Who's life is that bad but damn if I don't want to just down shots of vodka and say it repeatedly right now.
Like Vodka is going to help... Yeah, I'm feeling lower than the dirt that's under the concrete my house sits on so yeah, let's compound that with a super downer... This is why I buy a bottle once every four or five months (except when I'm partying) because I buy it, take one damn drink and then it sits there for months...
Fuck depression. I want to be able to say that outloud but I always stumble over the words. I can write it all day long, but I cannot say them.
Damn damn damn damn damn.
So okay, I'm going to fold the clothes and go lay down. I'm not going to sleep, I actually fear sleep right. Think I am going to watch Phantom of the opera.
Love gone bad then good then bad bad then who the hell cares... LOL
Anyone else notice that my thoughts aren't actually scattered these days...?
Friday, September 30, 2011
Wednesday, September 28, 2011
Life's not fair... Fine, I'll accept that...
...but that by no means, that I have to like the ass-reaming I'm getting...
So we all know that the ex moved to New Mexico last month, right? I don't have to update anyone? Well I just sorta did but whatever... The company put him in an apartment and said it was all good until he found one. Well in typical RPH style, he has to live like champagne on a city punch budget.
His rent is close to a grand for a probably two bedroom apartment. This means that paying his child support is one of the things he will have to let slip every other five seconds of his life. I mean who cares if your kids don't have a place to live so long as you have a place with Granite counter tops, wall to wall carpeting, a washer and dryer included, and a panoramic view... Of course this was actually his last apartment before he moved to NC but still...
He is now four months behind... I think.... it might actually be five. The state won't let me check the balance because he's made one payment which changed the page to show that and that only. I asked the very nice lady with the very unintelligible Southern accent how to enforce that he pay his child support and she very kindly told me that the state isn't going to go after him until he is Three Thousand Dollars in the hole!!!!!!!
This was one of those moments that I had to hold onto my tongue to not blurt out WTF! Three thousand dollars in the hole?? At three something a month it would take him over a year of nothing to get to that point.
Right now, my bill collectors are being very kind. I mean VERY kind to me. I haven't been able to pay anything for three months now. Every day I wake up to lights, hot water, and my heat clicks on (I warm the house for the kids showers) I want to fall to my knees and thank every GOD in creation. It really really is a miracle.
I'm not even going to go into my social life. One because it's unimportant and two because there is none. He however has a very full one. He goes to fast food restaurants, he's been to the movies at least twice, and once he was out shopping. He even had the nerve to put me down as a contact for his Aaron's rent to own furniture. He better be Sooooo glad they never called me...
It's true what they say... girls do marry their fathers. I heard that when I was a little girl and I said Eeeewwwww. Hell no. Would never be me. But then I did. My father is a deadbeat dad, (Or was he's a little better at it now, I've gotten a birthday email two years running now.) Randy may not be completely deadbeat but damn is he coming close. My dad never paid one damn cent of child support. Randy pays it whenever he can't get out of it. My dad could go months without calling or hearing from me when I was growing up. Randy can go a month without talking to his kids and then he turns it around and accuses me of not letting them call...
I want to go out. I want to be able to live a little but I want to pay my bills more. I know I wanted to go see Lion King in 3D but how can I justify that when I'm not ven sure my lights will be on the next morning, you know?
I have a friend that always used to say "Fuck me running with a chainsaw." You know, this is exactly how I feel right now. LIke someone fucked me with a chainsaw while I was running...
Hmmmm.... What can you do?
So we all know that the ex moved to New Mexico last month, right? I don't have to update anyone? Well I just sorta did but whatever... The company put him in an apartment and said it was all good until he found one. Well in typical RPH style, he has to live like champagne on a city punch budget.
His rent is close to a grand for a probably two bedroom apartment. This means that paying his child support is one of the things he will have to let slip every other five seconds of his life. I mean who cares if your kids don't have a place to live so long as you have a place with Granite counter tops, wall to wall carpeting, a washer and dryer included, and a panoramic view... Of course this was actually his last apartment before he moved to NC but still...
He is now four months behind... I think.... it might actually be five. The state won't let me check the balance because he's made one payment which changed the page to show that and that only. I asked the very nice lady with the very unintelligible Southern accent how to enforce that he pay his child support and she very kindly told me that the state isn't going to go after him until he is Three Thousand Dollars in the hole!!!!!!!
This was one of those moments that I had to hold onto my tongue to not blurt out WTF! Three thousand dollars in the hole?? At three something a month it would take him over a year of nothing to get to that point.
Right now, my bill collectors are being very kind. I mean VERY kind to me. I haven't been able to pay anything for three months now. Every day I wake up to lights, hot water, and my heat clicks on (I warm the house for the kids showers) I want to fall to my knees and thank every GOD in creation. It really really is a miracle.
I'm not even going to go into my social life. One because it's unimportant and two because there is none. He however has a very full one. He goes to fast food restaurants, he's been to the movies at least twice, and once he was out shopping. He even had the nerve to put me down as a contact for his Aaron's rent to own furniture. He better be Sooooo glad they never called me...
It's true what they say... girls do marry their fathers. I heard that when I was a little girl and I said Eeeewwwww. Hell no. Would never be me. But then I did. My father is a deadbeat dad, (Or was he's a little better at it now, I've gotten a birthday email two years running now.) Randy may not be completely deadbeat but damn is he coming close. My dad never paid one damn cent of child support. Randy pays it whenever he can't get out of it. My dad could go months without calling or hearing from me when I was growing up. Randy can go a month without talking to his kids and then he turns it around and accuses me of not letting them call...
I want to go out. I want to be able to live a little but I want to pay my bills more. I know I wanted to go see Lion King in 3D but how can I justify that when I'm not ven sure my lights will be on the next morning, you know?
I have a friend that always used to say "Fuck me running with a chainsaw." You know, this is exactly how I feel right now. LIke someone fucked me with a chainsaw while I was running...
Hmmmm.... What can you do?
Saturday, September 24, 2011
Today...
is pajama day here in the house. The sad thing about that, pajama day isn't actually taking place only in the house. I have left my house now twice and haven't shed the jammies yet. It would be okay if they matched but I am wearing a pink shirt with blue spotted bottoms.
And I don't give a flying fart in space if I end up on someone's Facebook with the caption "Oh my lord!" LOL
So it hit me today that since turning 32 I have become a lot flirtier. Yeah I know it's been only a week but damn. I'm thinking things about people that even I think are too risque for me. I'm flirting with guys both on and off the computer and I'm not shy about it.
Is this what a mid life crisis feels like? Is this how one begins? I know men do shit like buy shiny new sports cars and probably leave their wives for that seasons younger model but what do women do and specifically, what do women who are alone do?
I can't go out and buy a shiny new car, believe me, if I could you would not be seeing me all over Facebook and twitter. I'd be out living. Hell I might even take my kids to a park somewhere far away. If I had a man, hell you wouldn't see me on Facebook either cause new model or not I'm feeling like I might not've unchained him from the bed all day. yes, it's like that.
I don't know and I can't help it. I was listening to Rhianna's "What's my name?" last night and Drake's line about the square root of 69 and the things they could do in 20 minutes... I could help that man figure out all sorts of square roots for 69. Triangles, rhombuses, circles, trapezoids, the list can go on for days and I can tell you... that's exactly how long it would go on... screw 20 minutes... Rhianna might take 20 minutes but my days of trying to reach the golden flag and having the shit be over in under 30 minutes... DONE with a capitol. Hell no, I want more and I want it now.
Hehe this is so not an appropriate blog... I'm a bad girl and I know it but at this precise moment I can neither help it, nor do I want to. I have been a good girl for thirty some odd years and I am tired of it. I want to be bad. I want to have sex in the back of a car, I want to fog up some windows, I want someone to walk into a room and drag me to him and kiss me. My buddy Shawna asked a random question on her profile, "What do you want?" I'm pretty sure she wasn't actually asking what people wanted, but I was drunk that night and I answered, "To be screwed until I don't know my own nationality." That's about right. I want someone to hold me and do things to me that may or may not end with me speaking in tongues and twitching....
Do you know what it's like to have a small Waiting to Exhale moment around every near hot guy you see? Do you know what it's like to see a picture of a guy and his fingers and imagine what those fingers could do??
Please God tell me this is menopause or something cause it cannot continue. I am already crazy, can you imagine just how far off the cliff this would push me. I'm thinking the coyote in the road runner cartoons... It's gotta change. I can't even read one of my romance novels. I want to write on my story but at the moment, I'm thinking the main female character would attack the main male character and it would last for pages...
Ah... it'll pass... at least I hope it will. I'm so jumpy I'm annoying myself.
In other news, My kids keep seeing the adverts for the Lion King in 3D and they have no interest in going to see it. I mean gah!! WTF? My kids have no knowledge of who Mufasa was, they only know Timon and Pumbaa, and they think the story started with Lion King 1½... My poor, poor deprived kids... They know not how they hurt my inner child.
well, I guess I'll go write a little. If when my book comes out and it's not available in the young adult section, you'll know why.
More scattered thoughts to come later! Ciao!
And I don't give a flying fart in space if I end up on someone's Facebook with the caption "Oh my lord!" LOL
So it hit me today that since turning 32 I have become a lot flirtier. Yeah I know it's been only a week but damn. I'm thinking things about people that even I think are too risque for me. I'm flirting with guys both on and off the computer and I'm not shy about it.
Is this what a mid life crisis feels like? Is this how one begins? I know men do shit like buy shiny new sports cars and probably leave their wives for that seasons younger model but what do women do and specifically, what do women who are alone do?
I can't go out and buy a shiny new car, believe me, if I could you would not be seeing me all over Facebook and twitter. I'd be out living. Hell I might even take my kids to a park somewhere far away. If I had a man, hell you wouldn't see me on Facebook either cause new model or not I'm feeling like I might not've unchained him from the bed all day. yes, it's like that.
I don't know and I can't help it. I was listening to Rhianna's "What's my name?" last night and Drake's line about the square root of 69 and the things they could do in 20 minutes... I could help that man figure out all sorts of square roots for 69. Triangles, rhombuses, circles, trapezoids, the list can go on for days and I can tell you... that's exactly how long it would go on... screw 20 minutes... Rhianna might take 20 minutes but my days of trying to reach the golden flag and having the shit be over in under 30 minutes... DONE with a capitol. Hell no, I want more and I want it now.
Hehe this is so not an appropriate blog... I'm a bad girl and I know it but at this precise moment I can neither help it, nor do I want to. I have been a good girl for thirty some odd years and I am tired of it. I want to be bad. I want to have sex in the back of a car, I want to fog up some windows, I want someone to walk into a room and drag me to him and kiss me. My buddy Shawna asked a random question on her profile, "What do you want?" I'm pretty sure she wasn't actually asking what people wanted, but I was drunk that night and I answered, "To be screwed until I don't know my own nationality." That's about right. I want someone to hold me and do things to me that may or may not end with me speaking in tongues and twitching....
Do you know what it's like to have a small Waiting to Exhale moment around every near hot guy you see? Do you know what it's like to see a picture of a guy and his fingers and imagine what those fingers could do??
Please God tell me this is menopause or something cause it cannot continue. I am already crazy, can you imagine just how far off the cliff this would push me. I'm thinking the coyote in the road runner cartoons... It's gotta change. I can't even read one of my romance novels. I want to write on my story but at the moment, I'm thinking the main female character would attack the main male character and it would last for pages...
Ah... it'll pass... at least I hope it will. I'm so jumpy I'm annoying myself.
In other news, My kids keep seeing the adverts for the Lion King in 3D and they have no interest in going to see it. I mean gah!! WTF? My kids have no knowledge of who Mufasa was, they only know Timon and Pumbaa, and they think the story started with Lion King 1½... My poor, poor deprived kids... They know not how they hurt my inner child.
well, I guess I'll go write a little. If when my book comes out and it's not available in the young adult section, you'll know why.
More scattered thoughts to come later! Ciao!
Friday, September 23, 2011
Not sure...
If I did a blog yesterday. I probably didn't because I was tired as a mofo and sitting at the computer seemed to only make it worse.
Yesterday I decided to stay up instead of going back to bed after the kids left with the help of the jet fuel I call coffee. Well that worked and would you believe it, I got my bedroom cleaned AND I made about 5 lbs of chicken fried rice. This please a multitude of people. Patty came and got some, my mother brought her Tupperware to the house when she came to pick us up for Jovaughn's football practice and the kids were ecstatic to say the least. It was good and not too salty or to peppery so I was happy.
Hang on a second I need to put the burgers on the grill...
Sorry, back now. Where was I? Oh yeah, the rice.
It was good, that's about the gist of it.
The boy also cut his finger on a knife in the sink last night because he was playing around. It could have been worse but then almost everything bad that happens can be worse. Ironically even a death. Whatever, he was playing around acting out and the knife cut a good part of his thumb. I made him wash it and put band aids on it because I knew that he was going to be going to school this morning and since all of my kids are hypochondriacs, I knew he'd go to the nurse and she could cleanse it, which he did and she did. He also went back an hour later and called me telling me it hurt. I talked to the nurse who said it was fine nothing a few days wouldn't heal and he should probably not play foot ball today.
So I called the coach and told him that.
Now keep in mind that this is the same coach that I have been flirting with for awhile now. I flirted so well the other night that he locked his keys in his car. Hence the I know I'm a bad girl status on Facebook.
The coach called me back (I had left a message) and basically told me that he could miss practice tonight, but he had no one to replace him on the field tomorrow so he really need Jovaughn because it was hurting him to not have the boy there. Guess who lost a little respect in my eyes... Go on guess. I reluctantly agreed. Jovaughn will play but I am going to pad that thumb so he can't possibly hurt it more. So the boys in my life are happy.
Now if I can please the man I want in my life it's all going to be golden. LOL.
So tonight is bratwurst burgers and veggies for dinner. They wanted french fries but I'm thinking that veggies would be better for them.
Oh I knew I was leaving out an important part of my day. My nose stud came out. Would you believe it, the one time that I forget about the fucker and wash my face and the washcloth rips that sucker right on out. I cussed like a sailor on speed. It didn't hurt though. I called my mom and she came over to sit while the girls came home and I went back to the tattoo parlor (I had John a little worried when I used my foursquare to check in a t a tat parlor, LOL) and quick as a wink with only minimal ouch, she had it back in and I was my now normal pierced self.
I will be much more careful when washing my face from now on...
So okay, I'm going to get back to cooking. Peace and love and maybe another scattered thought will need to escape tomorrow!
Ciao!!
Yesterday I decided to stay up instead of going back to bed after the kids left with the help of the jet fuel I call coffee. Well that worked and would you believe it, I got my bedroom cleaned AND I made about 5 lbs of chicken fried rice. This please a multitude of people. Patty came and got some, my mother brought her Tupperware to the house when she came to pick us up for Jovaughn's football practice and the kids were ecstatic to say the least. It was good and not too salty or to peppery so I was happy.
Hang on a second I need to put the burgers on the grill...
Sorry, back now. Where was I? Oh yeah, the rice.
It was good, that's about the gist of it.
The boy also cut his finger on a knife in the sink last night because he was playing around. It could have been worse but then almost everything bad that happens can be worse. Ironically even a death. Whatever, he was playing around acting out and the knife cut a good part of his thumb. I made him wash it and put band aids on it because I knew that he was going to be going to school this morning and since all of my kids are hypochondriacs, I knew he'd go to the nurse and she could cleanse it, which he did and she did. He also went back an hour later and called me telling me it hurt. I talked to the nurse who said it was fine nothing a few days wouldn't heal and he should probably not play foot ball today.
So I called the coach and told him that.
Now keep in mind that this is the same coach that I have been flirting with for awhile now. I flirted so well the other night that he locked his keys in his car. Hence the I know I'm a bad girl status on Facebook.
The coach called me back (I had left a message) and basically told me that he could miss practice tonight, but he had no one to replace him on the field tomorrow so he really need Jovaughn because it was hurting him to not have the boy there. Guess who lost a little respect in my eyes... Go on guess. I reluctantly agreed. Jovaughn will play but I am going to pad that thumb so he can't possibly hurt it more. So the boys in my life are happy.
Now if I can please the man I want in my life it's all going to be golden. LOL.
So tonight is bratwurst burgers and veggies for dinner. They wanted french fries but I'm thinking that veggies would be better for them.
Oh I knew I was leaving out an important part of my day. My nose stud came out. Would you believe it, the one time that I forget about the fucker and wash my face and the washcloth rips that sucker right on out. I cussed like a sailor on speed. It didn't hurt though. I called my mom and she came over to sit while the girls came home and I went back to the tattoo parlor (I had John a little worried when I used my foursquare to check in a t a tat parlor, LOL) and quick as a wink with only minimal ouch, she had it back in and I was my now normal pierced self.
I will be much more careful when washing my face from now on...
So okay, I'm going to get back to cooking. Peace and love and maybe another scattered thought will need to escape tomorrow!
Ciao!!
Thursday, September 22, 2011
Ugh, Early morning post...
So last night I posted a comment about stupid people being born with a blinking light so that problems in the future can be detected and they can be drowned. I was talking about degenerates like Casey Anthony and the newest woman that's smothered her twin boys to death right after being born, but somone on my friends list decided that I was a heartless cold unfeeling tard who meant special needs children.
No matter how you look at what she wrote on my page it kinda looks like she was attacking me for my comment in public when in all honesty, a private message to me would have cleared up any hurt but it's whatever.
See I logged off and went to bed. As normal with my friends, they came to my defense. I think that's awesome. TO have friends like that is a blessing in more ways than one. Words were said and it was walked away from and all while I was asleep. (or trying to be but that's another story)
BUt then I got a message from another friend who basically told me that because of the negativity on my page, she was deleting me. You know what, bloggers, I'm not even touching my thoughts on that one. It was a parting of ways and now our ships sail different waters.
Oh here's an update. Shit exploded again!! Another friend commented. She wasn't condemning nor coming to my defense but the original offended person jumped on them and started attacking them. I mean seriously?? Really?? For someone who claims its everyone attacking her, she's doing A LOT of attacking first.
So while I am in the middle of writing her a letter politely saying that I need to delete her, she's going off on this morning's friend. She is so damn lucky that I was in the middle of being polite and didn't see her morning crap on my page before I hit the delete button or else that polite little message would have been a very harshly worded go to hell letter.
Is this what social media is for? Jumping on other people that we don't really know and their friends? Gotta say, I think I prefer the days when we used two tin cans and a string to talk to each other...
Gotta go, lots to do today... Muwah!
No matter how you look at what she wrote on my page it kinda looks like she was attacking me for my comment in public when in all honesty, a private message to me would have cleared up any hurt but it's whatever.
See I logged off and went to bed. As normal with my friends, they came to my defense. I think that's awesome. TO have friends like that is a blessing in more ways than one. Words were said and it was walked away from and all while I was asleep. (or trying to be but that's another story)
BUt then I got a message from another friend who basically told me that because of the negativity on my page, she was deleting me. You know what, bloggers, I'm not even touching my thoughts on that one. It was a parting of ways and now our ships sail different waters.
Oh here's an update. Shit exploded again!! Another friend commented. She wasn't condemning nor coming to my defense but the original offended person jumped on them and started attacking them. I mean seriously?? Really?? For someone who claims its everyone attacking her, she's doing A LOT of attacking first.
So while I am in the middle of writing her a letter politely saying that I need to delete her, she's going off on this morning's friend. She is so damn lucky that I was in the middle of being polite and didn't see her morning crap on my page before I hit the delete button or else that polite little message would have been a very harshly worded go to hell letter.
Is this what social media is for? Jumping on other people that we don't really know and their friends? Gotta say, I think I prefer the days when we used two tin cans and a string to talk to each other...
Gotta go, lots to do today... Muwah!
Wednesday, September 21, 2011
Headaches from hell..
I've got it, I'm a masochist. I have to be. I keep thinking when I shouldn't, and I keep treading where I shouldn't.
This morning, my daughter set off the alarm going into the garage to see if there were any more Capri sun juices left. I didn't go off on her. I actually let it go. It was one thing in a string of things that started my morning off not so happily.
At six am, my kids feet hit the floor. This is becoming a common sound in my home because I'm trying to get them to realize that they are 12, 10, and 9 and there is no reason that I have to get up and get their clothes and make sure they are up and out the door. (I recognize that this is strike uno against me for my friends who are the total mother package however you define it) My mom didn't do it for me and I don't see that I'm a bad person because my mom started teaching me independence at an early age. What's going to happen when I have teenagers in high school? Am I still going to be getting up at the crack of dawn getting their clothes and juices ready for them? I don't think so.
Anyway, where was I? Oh they got up at six am to take showers. This means that one was in the shower, two were sitting idle. They could have been cleaning up the mess they left in my kitchen, living room, and dining room but no, apparently that's what they have maid 2.0 AKA Mommy for. They sat down amid their mess to watch Disney.
So of course, it was a bit of an irk for me when I got up and saw the mess which had somehow gotten worse in only a few hours. (I swear clothes came out of nowhere)
Then Livy set off the alarm by going to get more juice after I told her that there was no more left. There was no more left because my kids continuously act like I can't count and have no eyes so they can sneak juices when I'm not looking. Why can't i teach my kids that every single thing they are doing, I tired and failed at when I was their age?? I tried to sneak juice. I tried to sneak sweets. The only thing it got me was a serious unfulfilled sweet tooth and a jug of water at the end of the month when they carefully measured supplies were gone before they were supposed to.
NO, what actually set me off to the point where I actually said something loudly this morning, was Kayla bouncing into my room singing that it was food stamp day and could I get so and so and so and so and this and that.
For the last two days I have been on a serious diet of whatever I could scrounge because there was quite literally nothing to eat in my house. I mean I always keep bread making supplies and peanut butter but dude, they finished off the last of the bread making toast in the morning like I was just going to get up and keep making bread. That much bread isn't good for anyone. Sad part was I was so hungry I did make a loaf of bread for me to have a sandwich but the nice Mr. Mousy that's been haunting my house for a few months now (despite my traps) decided that he liked that bread and he went to town.
I would have a few more things I could have eaten if he hadn't gotten there first. It's whatever, it done. It's over.
So I just had a talk with my kids. no yelling, no condemning. Just explaining why the house is being run the way it's being run now. Why the changes that were made were made. I think they understand. I hope they understand. I'm not backing down. For once, I am going to stick to a plan and work for it.
Parenthood is freaking tough man... but I enjoy it... even the headaches it give me. That's why I figure I'm a masochist.
Oh and here's thought that everyone should be aware of... Never get a nose piercing during Allergy season. You will drive yourself crazy trying to blow your nose so that the fucker doesn't make you want to scream obscenities...
This morning, my daughter set off the alarm going into the garage to see if there were any more Capri sun juices left. I didn't go off on her. I actually let it go. It was one thing in a string of things that started my morning off not so happily.
At six am, my kids feet hit the floor. This is becoming a common sound in my home because I'm trying to get them to realize that they are 12, 10, and 9 and there is no reason that I have to get up and get their clothes and make sure they are up and out the door. (I recognize that this is strike uno against me for my friends who are the total mother package however you define it) My mom didn't do it for me and I don't see that I'm a bad person because my mom started teaching me independence at an early age. What's going to happen when I have teenagers in high school? Am I still going to be getting up at the crack of dawn getting their clothes and juices ready for them? I don't think so.
Anyway, where was I? Oh they got up at six am to take showers. This means that one was in the shower, two were sitting idle. They could have been cleaning up the mess they left in my kitchen, living room, and dining room but no, apparently that's what they have maid 2.0 AKA Mommy for. They sat down amid their mess to watch Disney.
So of course, it was a bit of an irk for me when I got up and saw the mess which had somehow gotten worse in only a few hours. (I swear clothes came out of nowhere)
Then Livy set off the alarm by going to get more juice after I told her that there was no more left. There was no more left because my kids continuously act like I can't count and have no eyes so they can sneak juices when I'm not looking. Why can't i teach my kids that every single thing they are doing, I tired and failed at when I was their age?? I tried to sneak juice. I tried to sneak sweets. The only thing it got me was a serious unfulfilled sweet tooth and a jug of water at the end of the month when they carefully measured supplies were gone before they were supposed to.
NO, what actually set me off to the point where I actually said something loudly this morning, was Kayla bouncing into my room singing that it was food stamp day and could I get so and so and so and so and this and that.
For the last two days I have been on a serious diet of whatever I could scrounge because there was quite literally nothing to eat in my house. I mean I always keep bread making supplies and peanut butter but dude, they finished off the last of the bread making toast in the morning like I was just going to get up and keep making bread. That much bread isn't good for anyone. Sad part was I was so hungry I did make a loaf of bread for me to have a sandwich but the nice Mr. Mousy that's been haunting my house for a few months now (despite my traps) decided that he liked that bread and he went to town.
I would have a few more things I could have eaten if he hadn't gotten there first. It's whatever, it done. It's over.
So I just had a talk with my kids. no yelling, no condemning. Just explaining why the house is being run the way it's being run now. Why the changes that were made were made. I think they understand. I hope they understand. I'm not backing down. For once, I am going to stick to a plan and work for it.
Parenthood is freaking tough man... but I enjoy it... even the headaches it give me. That's why I figure I'm a masochist.
Oh and here's thought that everyone should be aware of... Never get a nose piercing during Allergy season. You will drive yourself crazy trying to blow your nose so that the fucker doesn't make you want to scream obscenities...
Go ahead, call me a monster...
But I really don't give a good damn about the execution. (there I said it, throw whatever you want, delete me, scorn me, I don't really care, this is my honest feeling on it. I had a whole blog thought out on my feelings but it's really not worth it...)
I also don't give a crap about people not likeing the new Facebook. If I were to make Facebook an ATM interface where everytime you like something your computer gives you twenty bucks, GUARANTEED, someone somewhere is going to have a million bad things to say about it.
You can't make everyone happy all of the time. It's a proven fact.
And just to be clear, at first, I didn't like the new facebook, but I, unlike a lot of my friends on facebook have realized that not once, NEVER EVER have the developers changed it back simply because I pushed my caps lock button and shouted that I don't like it. Not once have they gone back and said "We'll change it back" when I boycotted facebook for a few days. (Like that would ever actually happen. Can you imagine me boycotting facebook for more than the few hours I sleep??? Gah!!LOL)
I mean, really? The people on my facebook make me want to cock my head to the side and just stare. Did they even explore the new features or did they just log on, decide they don't like the new look and start screaming? Is it that they have to sit and concentrate on learning something that's going to help enrich their social media or is it that they have to sit and concentrate and learn something that's getting to them? And yes I know to the naked eye that looks like I said the same thing twice but if you read it with inflection, you'll get it.
At six fifty this morning, I hated the new layout... I mean hated it with a passion. By eight am, I had figured a good bit of it out and realized, this might actually be for the better.
I also figured out there's a new feature to make your facebook into any language you want. I chose PIRATE. I'm having fun. It's freaking awesome.
I realize this is just my opinion but it shows that I was willing to sit down and learn something new.
So shouting because they made a change, shout because you don't get it, even after you tried. At nine am, you didn't try.
Oh and to all those random people threatening to go over to Google+ now, can you look me in my internet eye and tell me that the developers of Facebook give a nanobyte in netspace if you defunct over to Google+, which BTW, NOBODY HAS FIGURED OUT YET!!! Go! Bye!! Don't let the facebook door hit you where MySpace split you!!
Ooh! That felt good. I went off and no innocent person was in the line of fire like they would be if I was saying this actually on facebook. I like having a blog.
Stay tuned for another scattered thought from a highly unorganized mind!
I also don't give a crap about people not likeing the new Facebook. If I were to make Facebook an ATM interface where everytime you like something your computer gives you twenty bucks, GUARANTEED, someone somewhere is going to have a million bad things to say about it.
You can't make everyone happy all of the time. It's a proven fact.
And just to be clear, at first, I didn't like the new facebook, but I, unlike a lot of my friends on facebook have realized that not once, NEVER EVER have the developers changed it back simply because I pushed my caps lock button and shouted that I don't like it. Not once have they gone back and said "We'll change it back" when I boycotted facebook for a few days. (Like that would ever actually happen. Can you imagine me boycotting facebook for more than the few hours I sleep??? Gah!!LOL)
I mean, really? The people on my facebook make me want to cock my head to the side and just stare. Did they even explore the new features or did they just log on, decide they don't like the new look and start screaming? Is it that they have to sit and concentrate on learning something that's going to help enrich their social media or is it that they have to sit and concentrate and learn something that's getting to them? And yes I know to the naked eye that looks like I said the same thing twice but if you read it with inflection, you'll get it.
At six fifty this morning, I hated the new layout... I mean hated it with a passion. By eight am, I had figured a good bit of it out and realized, this might actually be for the better.
I also figured out there's a new feature to make your facebook into any language you want. I chose PIRATE. I'm having fun. It's freaking awesome.
I realize this is just my opinion but it shows that I was willing to sit down and learn something new.
So shouting because they made a change, shout because you don't get it, even after you tried. At nine am, you didn't try.
Oh and to all those random people threatening to go over to Google+ now, can you look me in my internet eye and tell me that the developers of Facebook give a nanobyte in netspace if you defunct over to Google+, which BTW, NOBODY HAS FIGURED OUT YET!!! Go! Bye!! Don't let the facebook door hit you where MySpace split you!!
Ooh! That felt good. I went off and no innocent person was in the line of fire like they would be if I was saying this actually on facebook. I like having a blog.
Stay tuned for another scattered thought from a highly unorganized mind!
Tuesday, September 20, 2011
Well, I tried...
I tried to do the healthy thing by cutting all pork and most beef out of my households diet but as it is with all children, my kids proved to me that best laid plans usually go to crap when kids are involved...
And I admit it wasn't just they and their cohorts that tanked the idea. I had a hand in it too. Like the pork. Dammit I want bacon. Woman was not meant to go cold turkey from bacon. I mean really?? I thought I could do that??? What in the world was running across my mind??
The beef was a whole nother story. I didn't really crave that although I'm more than sure my kids did. They asked for a hamburger more than a few times.
And why they asked, I'll never know. I called the school and asked them to disable the code that they use to get food. I mean I was all in favor of fixing home lunch and sending it with them but I was told right off that that wasn't an option. No way, no how, no doing. I also learned that my kids had absolutely no problem getting all the sweets, juices, beef, and pork products they were being denied at home. In one day alone, my son managed to get a sausage biscuit with bacon (Gotta love Southern schools) cupcakes, juice, cinnamon rolls, cookies, and a double hamburger for breakfast and lunch.
Really CMS?? But yet you turn around and tell us parents that 50% of todays kids are overweight. Seems to me that parents are doing everything we can to keep you from declaring our kids obese and you are doing every single thing you can do to spit in our faces and keep the weight gain on the up trend.
My son is 65 lbs over weight currently. Well maybe not that number exactly because he has been running at football like a little gopher. I like his coach. Coach Nard understands that I don't have a male role model in my kids life right now and he's happy to step in so far as giving the boy a helping hand. It doesn't hurt that his idea of whipping a boy into line is to have him run until his feet fall off.
So tomorrow I will be able to go grocery shopping again and I think I am going to get the stuff that we like. I won't be getting the pound of shrimp... It didn't go over well the last time I cooked it, lol!
So my mother is on her way to come pick up up for football practice.
And I admit it wasn't just they and their cohorts that tanked the idea. I had a hand in it too. Like the pork. Dammit I want bacon. Woman was not meant to go cold turkey from bacon. I mean really?? I thought I could do that??? What in the world was running across my mind??
The beef was a whole nother story. I didn't really crave that although I'm more than sure my kids did. They asked for a hamburger more than a few times.
And why they asked, I'll never know. I called the school and asked them to disable the code that they use to get food. I mean I was all in favor of fixing home lunch and sending it with them but I was told right off that that wasn't an option. No way, no how, no doing. I also learned that my kids had absolutely no problem getting all the sweets, juices, beef, and pork products they were being denied at home. In one day alone, my son managed to get a sausage biscuit with bacon (Gotta love Southern schools) cupcakes, juice, cinnamon rolls, cookies, and a double hamburger for breakfast and lunch.
Really CMS?? But yet you turn around and tell us parents that 50% of todays kids are overweight. Seems to me that parents are doing everything we can to keep you from declaring our kids obese and you are doing every single thing you can do to spit in our faces and keep the weight gain on the up trend.
My son is 65 lbs over weight currently. Well maybe not that number exactly because he has been running at football like a little gopher. I like his coach. Coach Nard understands that I don't have a male role model in my kids life right now and he's happy to step in so far as giving the boy a helping hand. It doesn't hurt that his idea of whipping a boy into line is to have him run until his feet fall off.
So tomorrow I will be able to go grocery shopping again and I think I am going to get the stuff that we like. I won't be getting the pound of shrimp... It didn't go over well the last time I cooked it, lol!
So my mother is on her way to come pick up up for football practice.
Monday, September 19, 2011
Migraine Monologues Day 2
Every now and then I have migraines that render me absolutely no good to the human populous. This is day two of one of those times.
It doesn't help that I'm seriously overthinking life and all it's many facets.
But then hell, you know me... When and I not over thinking shit?
It's not that I'm a masochist that likes giving myself massive headaches that cause me to want to climb water towers and shoot people that look like the person I am over thinking shit about. I don't actually know why I do it.
Dreams also play a really big part in my migraines. When my head is all happy and nice my dreams are shall we say.. nice. Yes that casts a pretty light on the stuff running through my unconcious mind. When I have a migraine I can't shake, Oh boy! You don't want to be trapped in my head cause there's a good chance you won't make it out alive. It takes a good person to admit that. I do'nt care if you did something as little as not texting me, I will kill you in my dreams. It will be harsh, you will have no idea why and I won't do any talking.
And OMG, I'm watching POC:At World's End and I just figured out that the song at the beginning is about Tia Dalma and the pirates council... How freaking clueless am I??? Wow...
So I got my nose pierced. We covered that yesterday. It freaking itches!!! I mean come on!!! My nose was the most non itching part of my body and now it itches all the damn time. And if it's not itching, it's hurting! So okay last night I caught it on my shirt and OH MY GOD! That pain rivaled waking up after my c section. Holy cow.
I think that's what took the pain in the head from nagging to migraine.
I'm still not taking it out. I like it. I think I look awesome. When I get my braids... Watch out now! No more sitting at home. No more dry spell!!!
Who the hell plays the NFL fairy? I know the face but IDK what team he's on. I want to say Dion Sanders but nah...
Okay rambling scatter thoughts aside, I'm signing out..
Oh another random thought. I need eggs. I only have one and I want to make Chocolate Chip cookies.
OKay. See ya!
It doesn't help that I'm seriously overthinking life and all it's many facets.
But then hell, you know me... When and I not over thinking shit?
It's not that I'm a masochist that likes giving myself massive headaches that cause me to want to climb water towers and shoot people that look like the person I am over thinking shit about. I don't actually know why I do it.
Dreams also play a really big part in my migraines. When my head is all happy and nice my dreams are shall we say.. nice. Yes that casts a pretty light on the stuff running through my unconcious mind. When I have a migraine I can't shake, Oh boy! You don't want to be trapped in my head cause there's a good chance you won't make it out alive. It takes a good person to admit that. I do'nt care if you did something as little as not texting me, I will kill you in my dreams. It will be harsh, you will have no idea why and I won't do any talking.
And OMG, I'm watching POC:At World's End and I just figured out that the song at the beginning is about Tia Dalma and the pirates council... How freaking clueless am I??? Wow...
So I got my nose pierced. We covered that yesterday. It freaking itches!!! I mean come on!!! My nose was the most non itching part of my body and now it itches all the damn time. And if it's not itching, it's hurting! So okay last night I caught it on my shirt and OH MY GOD! That pain rivaled waking up after my c section. Holy cow.
I think that's what took the pain in the head from nagging to migraine.
I'm still not taking it out. I like it. I think I look awesome. When I get my braids... Watch out now! No more sitting at home. No more dry spell!!!
Who the hell plays the NFL fairy? I know the face but IDK what team he's on. I want to say Dion Sanders but nah...
Okay rambling scatter thoughts aside, I'm signing out..
Oh another random thought. I need eggs. I only have one and I want to make Chocolate Chip cookies.
OKay. See ya!
Sunday, September 18, 2011
Obligatory Birthday blog...
Wow, I made that sound like a chore, didn't I?? I didn't mean to. I always try to blog for my birthday. Usually on or as close to it as I can do so soberly.
Trust me, this weekend, you did not want me to blog. Then again as I sit here reading the comments from my facebook this afternoon, I realize that that point has been driven home way more succinctly already. Dear technology, the second you see me pick up a cup or glass with anything that came from a clear glass bottle in it, shut down. Save yourself...
Snort... yeah right.
So I spent the whole weekend with Patty and Joe. So I actually need to say the word awesome? Cause I'm pretty sure that there's a better word... Superkalafragalisticxpalidocious comes to mind and oh damn that actually hurt. I mean really. That word squeezing out of the lake my brain has now been reduced to... OW!!!
So I got my nosed pierced. I have been wanting to for a long LONG time and I finally did it. I am so so happy that I did it.
Not to be the vain peacock I feel like at the moment but oh my God, I think I look awesome.
Does it make sense that I feel like this was an act of defiance? I don't know why, but I do.
I also want another tattoo but I will do that another day.
So Patty took me in and I kinda freaked for a minute but I signed the paper and went in the room. The lady said to breathe deep and let it out when ready. I missed the when ready part. So I took the deep breath and immediately. She said do it again. I did and I think this time I might have relaxed a little bit but not enough. She said one more time. This time I was letting out the breath and WHAM! OH MY GOD!! I screamed. In my mind it was a short little yelp, but uhm... nope. I screamed. Apparently loud enough to startle a woman in the waiting area. Pardon while I laugh a little bit.
But whatever, I like the new look. I'm pretty sure there are others that won't but oh well, they'll adjust.
So I hopped on the computer last night. All in all it wasn't too bad of an idea. The texting is what did me in. I sent texts to the one person I probably shouldn't have but it's done. I don't know whats wrong with me.
So yeah, the weekend was awesome! I think I learned to play poker... wait no, no I didn't. I pretended to know what I was doing. By the way, bluffing doesn't always work.
Hanging out is fun. I'm glad I get to do it every now and then. I'm glad that I made the decision to keep doing it whenever its feasible. I need to get out, I need to meet people, I need to have fun.
I want to start dating.
Yes you read that right. I want to start dating. Despite my promise to myself, I am not ready to give up on finding mr Right. I am however going to stop looking. He'll show up. I have a feeling he will. As for my blurb on facebook last night, I gave up on something totally different. Something that I should have given up on a long time ago and I'm working on it but fuck it, you only live once.
So there it is, the birthday blog.
My thoughts aren't scattered today. They are drying out so this is it. TTYL everyone!
Trust me, this weekend, you did not want me to blog. Then again as I sit here reading the comments from my facebook this afternoon, I realize that that point has been driven home way more succinctly already. Dear technology, the second you see me pick up a cup or glass with anything that came from a clear glass bottle in it, shut down. Save yourself...
Snort... yeah right.
So I spent the whole weekend with Patty and Joe. So I actually need to say the word awesome? Cause I'm pretty sure that there's a better word... Superkalafragalisticxpalidocious comes to mind and oh damn that actually hurt. I mean really. That word squeezing out of the lake my brain has now been reduced to... OW!!!
So I got my nosed pierced. I have been wanting to for a long LONG time and I finally did it. I am so so happy that I did it.
Not to be the vain peacock I feel like at the moment but oh my God, I think I look awesome.
Does it make sense that I feel like this was an act of defiance? I don't know why, but I do.
I also want another tattoo but I will do that another day.
So Patty took me in and I kinda freaked for a minute but I signed the paper and went in the room. The lady said to breathe deep and let it out when ready. I missed the when ready part. So I took the deep breath and immediately. She said do it again. I did and I think this time I might have relaxed a little bit but not enough. She said one more time. This time I was letting out the breath and WHAM! OH MY GOD!! I screamed. In my mind it was a short little yelp, but uhm... nope. I screamed. Apparently loud enough to startle a woman in the waiting area. Pardon while I laugh a little bit.
But whatever, I like the new look. I'm pretty sure there are others that won't but oh well, they'll adjust.
So I hopped on the computer last night. All in all it wasn't too bad of an idea. The texting is what did me in. I sent texts to the one person I probably shouldn't have but it's done. I don't know whats wrong with me.
So yeah, the weekend was awesome! I think I learned to play poker... wait no, no I didn't. I pretended to know what I was doing. By the way, bluffing doesn't always work.
Hanging out is fun. I'm glad I get to do it every now and then. I'm glad that I made the decision to keep doing it whenever its feasible. I need to get out, I need to meet people, I need to have fun.
I want to start dating.
Yes you read that right. I want to start dating. Despite my promise to myself, I am not ready to give up on finding mr Right. I am however going to stop looking. He'll show up. I have a feeling he will. As for my blurb on facebook last night, I gave up on something totally different. Something that I should have given up on a long time ago and I'm working on it but fuck it, you only live once.
So there it is, the birthday blog.
My thoughts aren't scattered today. They are drying out so this is it. TTYL everyone!
Wednesday, September 14, 2011
BIrthdays...
So I've decided to start the celebration to my birthday a little early... the problem with this is, my version of celebrating alone is finishing the little bit of alcohol I have been hoarding in my freezer and dammit! I under estimated how much a little was... SO now... I'm sitting here thinking about people that Don't think about me and don't give a fuck and I'm wondering why the hell do I still count them as close to me. I blame the booze.
I always blame the booze but here's the funny thing the booze only make things that have been buried in my brain get control of my mouth. So I'm glad that I am not actually around people right now.
You know what?? I am so fucking tired of being ignored. I have been ignored all of my life.
I have. And the saddest part is when I had the chance to stand up and shout "Hello!! Do you not see me? Are you fucking blind?? Do you not see the big black heifer in the room?? I didn't. I smiled and nodded and let other take the day away.
I am fat, and I'm not pretty. I have a nice smile and I can cook and I seem to have the patience of the angels but I don't. I listen to everyone elses problems but I never burden anyone with mine. Not that I have problems. You have to be noticed to have problems.
Damn booze. I don't want to feel these feelings. I want them to stay hidden inside so that I can hide the pain I feel like I always do. I'm so good at hiding.
Funny thing, I... I... forgot what what I was going to say....
I am not going to cry on this birthday. I am determined. I am decided. It's my birthday and I'm not going to cry. So don't make me.
Hehe, I wonder who will say the trigger words this year that will have me blubbering like an idiot. I have a feeling but I'm praying to every holy diety that They don't even bother. I don't think they will. I kinda pray they won't.
Please God, make my birthday about me. Please? Can I have one anniversary of my Twenty fifth birthday that doesn't suck shit? Just one? I promise to actually age if you make this one a decent one.
Aww hell. I'm tired.
I always blame the booze but here's the funny thing the booze only make things that have been buried in my brain get control of my mouth. So I'm glad that I am not actually around people right now.
You know what?? I am so fucking tired of being ignored. I have been ignored all of my life.
I have. And the saddest part is when I had the chance to stand up and shout "Hello!! Do you not see me? Are you fucking blind?? Do you not see the big black heifer in the room?? I didn't. I smiled and nodded and let other take the day away.
I am fat, and I'm not pretty. I have a nice smile and I can cook and I seem to have the patience of the angels but I don't. I listen to everyone elses problems but I never burden anyone with mine. Not that I have problems. You have to be noticed to have problems.
Damn booze. I don't want to feel these feelings. I want them to stay hidden inside so that I can hide the pain I feel like I always do. I'm so good at hiding.
Funny thing, I... I... forgot what what I was going to say....
I am not going to cry on this birthday. I am determined. I am decided. It's my birthday and I'm not going to cry. So don't make me.
Hehe, I wonder who will say the trigger words this year that will have me blubbering like an idiot. I have a feeling but I'm praying to every holy diety that They don't even bother. I don't think they will. I kinda pray they won't.
Please God, make my birthday about me. Please? Can I have one anniversary of my Twenty fifth birthday that doesn't suck shit? Just one? I promise to actually age if you make this one a decent one.
Aww hell. I'm tired.
Wednesday, September 07, 2011
So hmmm....
Wow, bloggies, can you believe it?? In just a nine (well technically 8 since it's almost tomorrow) days I will be celebrating the 7th anniversary of my 25th birthday!!!
Don't laugh, you all have a number you're holding onto like a person on the side of a cliff. 25 is my number.
Besides, I don't want to turn 32. 32 means it's over.
See, a long time ago, I promised myself two things. The first being that I was NEVER going to need prescription feel good drugs again. I did my time in Zoloftland and I refuse to go back to a state of mind where I know deep down something is very wrong but the drugs make the rational part of my brain think everything is hunky dory. No Zoloft, No nebutal, no nothing.
The second thing being that if I hadn't found love by the 32nd year of my life, I was going to give up. Just plain give up.
See the way I see it, I don't want to be one of those old women out there looking for love. Not that there's anything wrong with it, I admire them for hanging on and I congratulate the ones that find it. I think that's awesome but I don't want to be the person in their forties still going out on dates. I want to be married again. I want someone with all the nasty habits that wives world wide hate. I might even want to look into expanding my family and I don't want to be the woman that's pregnant at forty something. Then I will never be able to enjoy any kind of life after diapers.
Oh stop looking at me like that.
I just really want to fall in love. And, while it would be awesome to have it, I don't really need that Wham! Knock you off your feet kind of love. I just want that warm sit at home and cuddle on the couch kind of love. The one where your belly tingles because you know that that person is one his way home and he's going to smile when he walks through the door simply because you're there. I know, I know... cheesy as hell, but dammit, I want cheesy. I want funny, I want, tingly, I want all those teenage puppy love feelings and I want life.
And then theres the sexual side of it too... I've gone to bed by myself far too many nights for my comfort. It's been four years since my separation/divorce and maybe 14 years since a man held me in his arms and even my sneakers felt like he wanted me.
I went out with this guy in college once. I met him on the train on my way down to school for summer school. He was cute, he was funny, he was nice to me and lord! I thought the damn seats in the rail car we were sitting in were going to catch on fire the way he looked at me. So you know of course I told him what dorm I was staying in since I went to one of those colleges that has a guard at the gate but dammit he never stopped anyone. He came to my dorm, he picked me up. And you know what, even though he took me to McDonalds and paid for the shit with a fifty and then took me to see Woo (BTW Why, Jada?? Why??") I felt like wow! (Keep in mind that I was 18 and very VERY innocent. Okay well sort of innocent. Dammit not innocent at all but I played a good damn game. Nah I'm just playing. Except for one very bad event in my teen years there was very little to make me think that men were the scurge of the earth yet) Tell you the truth, I don't even remember much of Woo (Why, Jada?? Why??) except a chicken costume... We were kinda busy and we would have continued it if I hadn't had the ONE dorm monitor that sat in the freaking lobby waiting for her girls to come home. ( Oh I wanted to join the slapahoe tribe that night)
Sadly enough the next time I saw him was after Randy and I had gotten "Engaged" and I was feeling a little loyal so I told the guy and that was it.
Looking back now I really wish I could go back and kick myself and say run with this!! See where this guy is going to take you.
I wish I could go back to a lot of moments in life.
But I digress... I'm off my point...
I want to get married. I want to be with someone. Someone that loves me someone that understands me.. wait no, he doesn't exsist. No one can understand me...
Whatever.
So anyway, birthday plans... I am getting my nose pierced. I am not backing out this time. I am going to get it done. And then I am going to get piss ass drunk so that for about three hours of my life I don't feel the brand new hole in my face. Hah! Everyone keeps telling me that it's going to hurt like hell and I believe them but I still want it. I'll just have to woman up and take it. Of course I could get another tat. Much less pain and I think I'd look good with a tramp stamp...
Hehe let's see how well that one goes over on facebook...
ROFL!!
So okay, I have my good mood marginally back again and that means I must needs say farewell for the time being!!!
More scatter thoughts later!!
Don't laugh, you all have a number you're holding onto like a person on the side of a cliff. 25 is my number.
Besides, I don't want to turn 32. 32 means it's over.
See, a long time ago, I promised myself two things. The first being that I was NEVER going to need prescription feel good drugs again. I did my time in Zoloftland and I refuse to go back to a state of mind where I know deep down something is very wrong but the drugs make the rational part of my brain think everything is hunky dory. No Zoloft, No nebutal, no nothing.
The second thing being that if I hadn't found love by the 32nd year of my life, I was going to give up. Just plain give up.
See the way I see it, I don't want to be one of those old women out there looking for love. Not that there's anything wrong with it, I admire them for hanging on and I congratulate the ones that find it. I think that's awesome but I don't want to be the person in their forties still going out on dates. I want to be married again. I want someone with all the nasty habits that wives world wide hate. I might even want to look into expanding my family and I don't want to be the woman that's pregnant at forty something. Then I will never be able to enjoy any kind of life after diapers.
Oh stop looking at me like that.
I just really want to fall in love. And, while it would be awesome to have it, I don't really need that Wham! Knock you off your feet kind of love. I just want that warm sit at home and cuddle on the couch kind of love. The one where your belly tingles because you know that that person is one his way home and he's going to smile when he walks through the door simply because you're there. I know, I know... cheesy as hell, but dammit, I want cheesy. I want funny, I want, tingly, I want all those teenage puppy love feelings and I want life.
And then theres the sexual side of it too... I've gone to bed by myself far too many nights for my comfort. It's been four years since my separation/divorce and maybe 14 years since a man held me in his arms and even my sneakers felt like he wanted me.
I went out with this guy in college once. I met him on the train on my way down to school for summer school. He was cute, he was funny, he was nice to me and lord! I thought the damn seats in the rail car we were sitting in were going to catch on fire the way he looked at me. So you know of course I told him what dorm I was staying in since I went to one of those colleges that has a guard at the gate but dammit he never stopped anyone. He came to my dorm, he picked me up. And you know what, even though he took me to McDonalds and paid for the shit with a fifty and then took me to see Woo (BTW Why, Jada?? Why??") I felt like wow! (Keep in mind that I was 18 and very VERY innocent. Okay well sort of innocent. Dammit not innocent at all but I played a good damn game. Nah I'm just playing. Except for one very bad event in my teen years there was very little to make me think that men were the scurge of the earth yet) Tell you the truth, I don't even remember much of Woo (Why, Jada?? Why??) except a chicken costume... We were kinda busy and we would have continued it if I hadn't had the ONE dorm monitor that sat in the freaking lobby waiting for her girls to come home. ( Oh I wanted to join the slapahoe tribe that night)
Sadly enough the next time I saw him was after Randy and I had gotten "Engaged" and I was feeling a little loyal so I told the guy and that was it.
Looking back now I really wish I could go back and kick myself and say run with this!! See where this guy is going to take you.
I wish I could go back to a lot of moments in life.
But I digress... I'm off my point...
I want to get married. I want to be with someone. Someone that loves me someone that understands me.. wait no, he doesn't exsist. No one can understand me...
Whatever.
So anyway, birthday plans... I am getting my nose pierced. I am not backing out this time. I am going to get it done. And then I am going to get piss ass drunk so that for about three hours of my life I don't feel the brand new hole in my face. Hah! Everyone keeps telling me that it's going to hurt like hell and I believe them but I still want it. I'll just have to woman up and take it. Of course I could get another tat. Much less pain and I think I'd look good with a tramp stamp...
Hehe let's see how well that one goes over on facebook...
ROFL!!
So okay, I have my good mood marginally back again and that means I must needs say farewell for the time being!!!
More scatter thoughts later!!
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