Bad habits and old feelings...

So when I was in college, I had a very bad habit.  I hid it very well from most of my friends but every now and then I toked a cigarette or two.  I never to my knowledge smelled of cig smoke and you honestly never actually saw me with cigs on my person but I had them.  I smoked them every now and then.  I coughed politely when someone blew smoke in my face because in all honesty some brands set off my asthma BUT ONLY THE SMOKE.  The three times I tried smoking weed, it put me in the hospital.  I've come to the conclusion that they were all three bad batches.  And I can say that because second hand does nothing to me (Except make me very happy)

The few months that I was between pregnancies, I smoked a little.  When life got a little too hectic, cause you know having three kids in three years is a freaking walk in the park and doing it while your SOB husband is out to sea is a cakewalk in the park, I bummed or bought the occasional cig and used the nicotine to calm myself but as usual in my life, hubs stopped that bad habit cold freaking turkey.  One by spending our money to where a pack of emergency cigs would have actually broken us, and two by nagging at me.  Like really nagging and calling my parenting into question. He didn't actually know that the very little smoking I did do was what kept my family alive because there were A LOT of times I wanted to go running screaming into the night.

The friends that I drink with all know I can take a cigarette and not kill myself.  I don't actually know any of my drinking friends who have NOT had me snatch a cig out of their hand and puff like I've been doing it all my life.

So since I've been working, I have had moderately less stress than I did when I wasn't working and that's awesome beyond words but now my stress is coming back and it's coming with a whole new emotion.  One that I don't like at all... resentment.

So okay, when I was a kid from like second grade to Fourth grade I was an afterschool program kid.  I went to the classroom with the other kids and did my homework, had a snack, and played games until my mom got off work.  Mom would take me home and then fix dinner (If it was summer dinner was whatever fast food was between work and home as she didn't cook in the summer... at all) and after she did that, she disappeared into her room to smoke while I sat in the living room and ate/watched TV.  She called out for bath time, she called out for bedtime.  I rarely entered her bedroom because the cloud of smoke that separated the ceiling from the floor was kinda terrifying...  So very little interaction between she and I.  If she wanted to go hang out at the club I went to a friends house so her mom could babysit me.  I had babysitters come over the house.  I can guarantee you that my babysitters and I probably single householdly kept my local KFC and Roy Rogers in business.  In Fifth grade it was decided that I was old enough to have a key and let myself in in the afternoons.  It was all good, I called the school to tell them I was home, I did my homework, I did my chores, I watched tv.  If she was still working when I got hungry, I made hot dogs or grilled fish on the indoor grill.  She usually made it home from bath and bed time.  Still no real interaction because those days probably included working as a teacher then afterschool teacher or detention teacher, followed by softball practice, and/or a meeting, and then maybe an hour at the club.  I watched a lot of TV.  By high school she had quit smoking but she still came home and sequestered herself in the room.  She actually picked up things at school to do since I was so old and usually wasn't even home anyway because I was in band or at track (Don't get excited, I was time keeper for the boys team, I do not run)

So riddle me this.  I have kids and for the last ten years I have been the stay at home mom because I wanted them to have what I didn't have.  I wait until they are teenagers to get a job and suddenly in everyone's eyes, I'm turning into a bad mom???  My mom worries about the girls because they come home and call me to let me know that they are home because I'm working.  They have sandwiches or leftover pizza, or reheat something I cooked either that day or the day before,because I'm working.  I am home in time for showers and to look over homework and inspect chores.  If pick up a late shift at work, I call the girls to make sure that they are okay and they can call me at anytime.  If i'm closing and they're home, I call to say goodnight.  My mother however, calls then every hour on the hour to make sure that they are okay and when I get home puts on her best mother voice and tells me that she called them to just keep checking up on them. (When I first started working, it was not unusual to come home and find her here with them just sitting with them keeping them company.)

Tonight she advised me to keep a really good dinner for them tomorrow because they deserve it as I'm never here.  I need to make it up to them.

I am seriously not handling this well at all.  When I was there age, where was the person that came and sat with me when she had to work late and stopped off at the club?  Where was the person to call me every hour?  Did anyone tell her that maybe she should come home and cook me a special meal because she had to work all time?  Were the babysitters that washed my hair and braided my hair and got me dressed for bed supposed to be mom when she went to the club for something?  Was my childhood BFF's mom supposed to be the pinch hitter?

Don't get me wrong.  We did things, she and I.  We spent some time together.  To be honest, my memory is lacking a bit because a lot of things are colored red at the moment, but I remember going to the steakhouse on Fridays after work and Sizzlers on my birthdays.  Then I remember her dropping me off at football games that I had to play at.  Picking me up from band practice after school.

WHERE WAS THE PERSON THAT MADE SURE I WASN'T SEEING TOO MUCH OF OTHER CAREGIVERS OR WATCHING TOO MUCH TELEVISION???

SO why am I made to feel like a bad mom?  I don't get it.  I have sat and thought about this for a few weeks now and I don't get it.  Every single part of it is a complete mystery.

I sat home for ten freaking years.  I didn't do babysitters, I gave up my life.  I didn't go to the club, I didn't hang out with friends.  At Twenty something, I was already forty.  My kids didn't eat a shit ton of quickfood or fast food.  I cooked.  I STILL cook.  Do you know how many mornings I've gotten up and made a meatloaf so my kids could have it for dinner.  Or the nights that I stayed up baking a chicken so they could heat it up.  Yes I bring them home pizza.  Yes I take them to work for pizza because it's cheap.  How am I the mom who has the mom who worries about the kids because I'm working all the time???

So yeah, last weekend, I bummed Patty's e-sig and the nicotine calmed me, tonight I practically jumped Kam for the rest of her cig.  I can so see this becoming a habit again and not a minor one like before.  This time I can almost see it turning full blown.  So far as I can see, I have four choices.  1. I can take up smoking pot because let's face it.  Pot calms everyone it touches.  Two.  I can take up smoking and just not care what anyone thinks about me.  Three, start drinking... again.... or four find a BF and use sex as my stress reliever.  The cons to this.  One, pot is very hard to come by discreetly and I don't really want it in my house.  2. This will cause massive nagging from my mother.  I will care.  There is no way around this.  I will be hounded into giving it up again and feel way worse for causing my mom t give me the talks that she will give me.  Resentment will come roaring back and I will not be a happy person ever. Three.  You cannot be a delivery driver if you exist in a constant state of hungover.  This is no bueno.  This causes you to lose job and  enter more stress... 4. I have been trying so badly to do this one but I suck at flirting, I fell asleep for being direct 101 and literally no one notices me like that.

This shit is going to plague me like this until I have another nervous breakdown and my breakdowns are just that.  The walls go up, the spikes go out and NO ONE gets through to me.  In the past this has caused doctors to drug me and take away my driving privileges.

I so don't understand.  I don't like it.  I don't like feeling this way.  I just want for five minutes to be the normal girl with the normal parents that ignore her the normal amount and let her life life a certain way and remember that she's thirty five and NOT sixteen. Can I be the normal girl that likes a guy and has no problem letting him know because she understands that if he rejects her, it's not the end of the world?  Can I use the car that my own money bought and not feel like it's going to blow up on me?

Can I be normal.  Just one day?  Please.  I promise I've been extra good this year Santa.

Le Sigh... I've got nothing else.  I'm spent. Stay Frosty Bloggers.  I have stuff to do tomorrow and I may or may not be working.  I don't know yet. We'll see.

Goodnight...

Frappuccinos and chapstick

So this morning did not start out on a good note.  I'm sorry but it didn't.  I was up way earlier than I actually planned to get up and then ate way earlier than I ever eat so for like an hour my tummy was tap dancing to  the tune of "You stupid idiot, what am I supposed to do with food this early in the bloody morning?" and it chose some wicked solos at almost the wrong times.  But it was all good because once I got the Venti java chip Frappuccino with TWO shots of espresso in it, tummy said "Ah, there's the flood of caffeine we usually get on Saturday morning, why'd you hold out on me??"  Think my boss may have a new drink cause he tried mine and he was like "Yum!"

See I have this thing where I can be a morning person or I can be a people person.  Without serious amounts of caffeine, I cannot be both at the same time.  And on the way to work this morning, whoever is the Patron saint of stupid drivers played a very nasty game with me.  At least five times, driver moved in front of me and went so freaking slow it was like trying to pluck someone bald one hair at a time.  One very special idiot slid out in front of me and then slammed on his brakes cause me to to slam on my brakes to avoid hitting him.  And one even more special idiot actually stopped in the middle of the street (Slowly instead of slamming on his/her brakes thank God) and thought it was a good idea to throw their car into reverse to try and get back to the street that they bypassed.  I mean really?  REALLY???

I spent only a few minutes this morning squinting my eyes and pretending to pop Deedadee's head like a pimple.  For this I pride myself because if I don't actually squint my eyes and try, I spend copious amounts of time doing so in my head.  And my imagination is a dangerous place for some people to find themselves in.

I'm not going to say work went good because honestly, work always goes well and I'm pretty sure people are getting sick of listening to me praise my job.  I only do it because I love it so much.

Like a quarter to three my x-inlaw tried to tank my day.  Texting me and asking me what time the kids had to be at the church for their performance.  I mean really?? We have been going over this since Last Saturday!!  You asked me when was the performance.  Then you asked me what time they had to be there.  Then you asked me if I was going to come get the kids to take them to practice.  Then you asked them if I was coming to pick them up after practice.  Then you had my daughter call me and ask me to bring her clothes.  Then on the day of the performance you asked me again, what time they had to be there less than a half an hour before they had to be there when you live a good forty minutes away.

*Bangs head against a wall repeatedly* I love my extended former family. I love my extended former family.  I do not want to sell my extended former family to West Indian pirates and condemn them to hard labor for the rest of their lives. I love my extended former family... Maybe if i keep chanting this over and over it will sound like the truth...

Side note: The ex called my mom after the performance which he stayed to watch AND got them there EARLY for... he liked it.  Now he sees why I am so adamant that they continue it.  Yay!! Point to me!!  Hell point to him for actually getting them there without me have a major meltdown via phone and text!

But in my little world I was kinda stressed about the performance when I was at work because I wasn't sure they were going to get there and like always when I'm stressed, I really really want a cigarette. I don't smoke and usually it sends me into a coughing fit almost bad enough to call an ambulance when someone is stupid enough to hand me a ciggy so what did I do?  Naturally, I reached for P's e-cig and took a huge puff.  And she uses the highest level of nicotine you can buy.

OH MY GOD!!! In the one giant and two tiny puffs I took, my stress level dropped by more than half and my desire to make myself two cinnamon breads and go rape the McDonalds across the street vanished!  I wasn't hungry, I did not want to eat my anger away and I lost my anger!  I am SO going to get me an e-sig on Friday when I get paid.  Oh my effing god!  And I felt good for the rest of the day.  Also Joe is like the greatest male friend that I could have because he actually could see the stress on my face and did the one thing that I wish more people in my life would do when I get that angry.... he hugged me.  Just a simple hug.  A transference of good energy to someone riddled with bad energy.  He saw me approaching level three of pissed and rerouted it.  He's awesome!  I do try to tell people that are close to me that if you can see it on my face there is a choice to be made.  Try and deflate, or try and escape.  Most people choose escape and leave me to blow up.  He chose to deflate.  Very Awesome and very brave.

So I got off work and went to get dinner for Mommy and I because by then P had left the store and taken her e-sig with her so the hunger was slowly edging it's way back.  talked with her for awhile then tried to leave before I got locked in with the rest of the convicts...er patients and failed.  Was told to go by Wal-mart for a couple of things before going home and of course I went strait home and got my shoes off and was in the process of taking off the pants and shirt when I remembered where I was supposed to be.  Got redressed and went to Wally World.

And the chronicles of chapstick continue because they have yet another new flavor of chapstick out....

OMG!! Grape to meet you?!?!?  That is soo cute!!  And I made myself feel instantly old because I opened it and tried it so I could decide if I wanted to indulge my obsession and buy three more and the girl asked me how it was.  I told her it tasted like Big league chew bubble gum.  She just stared at me blankly.  She had no idea what I was talking about.  So finally I said it was like grape kool-aid and she said "Oh yeah!"  I felt so old.  So very very very old....  It's rare that I feel that old...

In other personal life news.  I think I am on the verge of a fight with one of my dearest friends because it looks like  to her that I don't have time for her anymore which is simply not true.  I just have a lot of things going on and new doors in my life opening up and conversation even on it's most basic level has fallen to the wayside.  At least fifteen people tell me that I have all but dropped off the earth as far as conversation is concerned.  I'm slowly getting them to understand that if you text me I will normally answer but I rarely have time for phone calls.  I try but mostly when I'm not working, I'm trying to cram a whole lotta shit into a very few hours because my body tends to shut down on me and I fall asleep and NOTHING gets done so if you call me and I'm not all there, it's because I'm really not.  I'm in a thousand different places.  I've actually already had two friends basically cut me off.  I don't want to lose the friend that I think I am on the verge of losing but I might if I can't get them to understand I don't love them any less I just have somethings that are pulling me in a slightly different direction than I used to travel in.

I am going to finish undressing and hit the mattress.  It's been a long day and tomorrow will be a long one tomorrow.  It will be long all week except for Wednesday.

So goodnight bloggers!  Stay frosty!!  

Ciao!

Blind as a bat on crack.

So a few years ago... well more than a few cause a few is three right?  A few a few a couple years ago... Insert emoticon with me sticking my tongue out at you...I have shingles.  The second stage of chicken pox that the seniors are all afraid of getting because of those lovely commercials?  Yeah young people can get it but you have to have a shitload of stress in your life for it to happen.  I had that.  I worked for Debbie and Dionza and if you only knew what I went through those three long long LONNNNNG years... anyway, I had Shingles and it spread to my eyes permanently weakening them so that if there is the slightest bit of sunlight or headlights brighter than normal, I'm basically blind without serious sunglasses.

IT's something I've learned to live with.  Not well because the last eye doctor I saw told me that I will most likely be completely blind within the next fifteen years or so and that it was a miracle I wasn't already legally blind.  I have ways or helping to prolong the diagnosis. I wear sunglasses everywhere and I have colored contacts that block a good bit of light from my eyes because they are opaque.  I avoid going out in direct sunlight and I will make myself late for something if I can't find my shades.

Today I made a rookie mistake.  I was sitting outside soaking up some much needed warmth from the sun and I took off my shades.  I know... stupid stupid me, but I hate the suntan my face gets when I tan with them on and I ALWAYS tan.  There is usually a definite distinction of where my shades where when I sat out in the sun.  Anyway, I was soaking up the sun when a co worker called out to me and I opened my eyes  into direct sunlight.  Boom instant migraine.  It was a very awesome thing that Amber let me go home early tonight or I wouldn't have been able to function much past when I did.

Add to that that I spent all day working with two people I probably shouldn't have.  The first is a female that well... yeah.  I like her okay but she's loud.  I'm pretty sure that when she speaks, Pizza Hut can hear her clearly and they are two parking lots over.  The concept of personal space is sometimes lost on her as is privacy.  Today was no exception.  She was loud and on top of that, she was in a bad mood for God only cares what reason. (It was her only day off and she got called in I kinda would be mad as hell too but sometimes you really do just have to get over it.)

So working around/with her was kinda uncomfortable but nowhere near as awkward as being alone in the same room with the guy that you have a crush on who happens to be one of your managers.  The last guy I had a crush on, it kinda came on gradually.  It worked itself up until one day I was in full blown like.  This guy, Freaking day one, I looked at him and piece of me stopped mid track just to oogle.  Put that together with repeated interaction with him because we work together and awkward hits a new level that borders on high school but since we're both adults it's like high school in your underwear awkward.  At least for me.  I'm pretty sure he feels NONE of the awkward I feel.  I guess that's good because two awkward people will never have a chance at dating.  They will simply avoid all awkward situations until the other goes away.

It's a quarter to twelve and I'm tired.  Long day.  I just want to sleep.  So I'm going to do that as I have a lot to do tomorrow.  I completely forgot to make my besties bday cake and her party is tomorrow night.  So I will be baking and going to get her gift.  Then going over there.  

Yawn!  Love hugs and hair grease!!

Hmmm...

So we're all used to me not blogging everyday, right?  Good.

The job is going great.  Love my co-workers love the place.  Totally awesome  Not going to overgush about that.  I totally want to though.

Not much to blog about at all really.

Baby died.  Her smoking problem finally caused her to have a heart attack.  Thankfully she made it to the doctor before there was no bringing her back.  Wait... you realize I'm talking about my car right?  The big green baby that resides in my driveway.  Yeah her.  Cost a little over 900 to repair her but that's what I get for getting a Volkswagen.  It's all gravy I love her.  Owe my mom big freaking time for helping to get her fixed.  But now I'm back on the road and it feels so good to ride in my little hooptie.  That's her name now. Hooptie.  Don't get me wrong, I love my moms car who BT dubs is named Jenny like every other car my mom has owned, but I love Hooptie.  She's a lowrider so the few times I'm in my moms car I feel like I'm flying up in the air.  And the acceleration on Jenny is lethal.  I'm passing people on the highway looking at them like "Why in the hell are you going so slow??" Then I look down and see that I'm pulling 90... Oh.  That's all I got was Oh.  But now Hooptie and I are back!  The dream team is back in full effect y'all!

Got my second pizza oven burn last night.  This one was NOT fun at all.  In fact, it still hurts.  Dropped a pan of Cinnamon bread went to catch the bread and the pan lay flat on the back of my hand.  First burn was like "OOH!!  I've been accepted by the oven"  second burn was more on the lines of "Son of a bitch!"

So I'm ready for work.  My hand hurts.  Did i say that?  Pretty sure I said that.  Doesn't stop it from hurting.

Electric bill is due Friday.  Need tips today.  Come on people, if you live in the Sugar creek area order pizza for delivery and tip your driver today!!

Cannot stress that enough.  TIP YOUR DRIVER PEOPLE!  Your drivers make very little when they are out on the road braving idiot drivers to bring you your food.  The least you could do is give them a little something for it.  Gas comes out of our tips.  No tips, no gas.  No gas no food.  Okay, that's a little far because we do get paid but honestly, how much difference is it to you to give your driver two or three dollars for not having to cook your own lunch?  Is it really that awful??  Even when I was just on the customer side of it, i tipped and often tipped well for not having to cook that night.  So tip your driver.  Just do it.  It won't kill you.

Okay off my soapbox for the day.  Bout to head out to work.  Did a bad thing and put creamer in my coffee... don't foresee a pleasant two hours ahead of me.    Toodles!!