Why?
That's all I want to know. Just Why? Why is that when I FINALLY find a happy spot, circumstances have to pull me back down??
So Sunday Morning, my favorite cousin in the entire world passed away. This was not sudden, it has been expected for awhile. But still, she was my other mother. The things a daughter should know that my mother didn't teach me, Floreine did. And when I didn't learn them fast enough, she whipped me up the stairs. Yes, you totally read that right, she whipped me up the stairs. (See I come from a generation that got the bejesus slapped or spanked, or in my case, whipped out of them when they thought they had the right to talk to adults like they were adults when they were still kids. Today's kids don't know anything about that because now parents get in trouble for smacking, spanking, and whipping... it's called child abuse. No! It's call home training and discipline! Look it up Child protective services! It's in the freaking Bible. Spare the rod and spoil the child I.E. Handle that shit while they are young and they won't turn out to be turds as adults! Sorry... tangent rant...) She was... I mean... they say that cousins are a person's first best friend in life, She was mine. Part mother, part best friend, all cousin, and all mine. And she's gone. She was the one that stood up for me and took my side when I was treated unfairly and believe me I had my fair share of not being treated fairly by the family sometimes. She was the one that stood by me and said I would get my time to shine and made sure I got it. She had my back. She was my Flo Cousin.
So I managed to get Mommy out on the plane yesterday and I was planning to drive out there for the funeral. Again, this was my Flo Cousin. I want to be there to say goodbye. My mother decided that the 15 hour drive would be too much for me. I don't care. This is my Flo Cousin. So Auntie PAt agreed it was too much BUT she offered to fly me out there. Had it worked perfectly. I could leave here tomorrow after work and be there by night, get up go to the funeral Thursday and then fly back. If possible, not even miss work although everyone was cool if I missed Thursday. My Mom decided, that I would be inconveniencing everyone if I did that. They are two hours away from the airport so having to drive to get me and bring me to the family then having to drive to take me back the next day. Looking at putting someone on the road for 8 hours. Never mind that I could call a cab. They have flat rates for airports. Nope, nope, Claudette, you can't go and say goodbye to your favorite cousin because it would be inconvenient for everyone and just to make sure that you understand what I'm saying to you let's throw in "everyone is already down because she's gone, it's not fair to add getting you to the airport to their troubles."
So I'm not going to the funeral. I'm going to sit here. I'm going to work. And on Monday I'm going to pick Mommy up from the airport.
But you want to hear something? Something HILARIOUS??
Mom didn't want to pay upwards of $175 to kennel her cat for the week she'll be gone so guess who has to leave work in NORTH Charlotte to drive to EAST Charlotte to make sure that the cat has food and water EVERY DAY and scoop out her litter box EVERY DAY (because someone spoils her cat and never let's her crap sit in the litter box for more than 24 hours) and then has to drive home to WEST Charlotte EVERY DAY??? Yeah, me.
So ... in the end, no one gets inconvenienced but me. The one that is always inconvenienced. Because yeah... this is how my life works.
And I've held up. I haven't had my true and real breakdown yet. I need to. I really need to. I have had little cloudbursts where I couldn't hold back the tears but I haven't had the big one yet. I can't though because I have my kids right now and I hate it when I cry in front of them because they feel like they need to fix it. No matter what it is, they need to fix it. You can't fix death. Even in Harry potter, one of the most magical places ever, you can't fix death. So no, can't cry in front of the kids. When I don't have the kids, I'm at work. Can't cry at work. Just can't. Cannot have a complete breakdown at work. Even if your boss is one of the coolest guys around and one of your best friends who would totally just stand there and hold you while you soaked the hell out of his shirt. No. Just can't. That's work. Gotta be professional at work.
So I'm not going to get to break.
But I managed to find a place in my mind where I can still function and laugh and joke and be human and this morning my time hop ap on my phone decided to remind me that today was the first anniversary of the day I wen out with John. Yeah him. They guy I kinda fucked over but then I really tried to apologize and he treated me like shit and then he went and quit an every single time our paths cross he looks at me like "drop dead in a painful way" because the one time I went to see his roommate I said I didn't want to see him when I should have said the truth was that I can't see him because stupid fucking me still likes him no matter what I do and if he just would smile at me and kiss me again I would so be in his arms and I know this is a stupid horrible run on sentence but I can't help it and yes, I still like him. I still want him and there's not a damn thing that I can do about it even though when he gives me those drop dead looks a little piece of me dies and spirals away. Yes, I know I'm a pathetic idiot. No, I don't know how to fix myself. If I knew how to fix myself I would. Do I tell myself I can do so much better than John? Yes. Do others tell me I could do som much better than John. Yes. Does my brain believe it? Maybe. Does my heart? Hell the fuck no. If he walked up to me right now and held out his hand and smiled and said "Let's start over." I would hop skip and jump merrily into that trap and never look back. The fact that I can admit that makes no difference to my heart. None.
So I went to work and managed to laugh and have a generally good day despite the fact that one year ago today I went out with the man that my heart really does think might have been the love of my life. It was all good. Got home and kids hadn't done their chores. I can deal. Mother in law texts to ask me if I found a camp for the girls. I called her (first fucking mistake) And told her no because I don't have custody of them. Randy does and he's supposed to be taking them to Oklahoma with him because he's to much of a pussy to inform his job that he has ironclad custody of his child during the summer and either they postpone his training or they find a way to send them with him. (Small aside, two years ago, Randy decided that I was a shit mother and he filed with the state and the county to have full time custody of my kids. He fell through on that but it got put IN WRITING *Which when you put something in writing with the county/state courts, you might as well have chiseled it in stone* that he had custody of them from the day after school ends until two week before school begins. I am okay with this because for about 90 days, I get to be an adult that doesn't have to worry about getting home to the kids. I get to actually have a life.) She says, she thought that I would find a camp and he'd pay for them because he told her that that's what I was going to do wince he can't take with him. (In other words, I have to get up and make sure they get to the camp bus stop and I have to make sure that my work schedule allows for me to pick them up from the bus stop and I have to cook for them and find other stuff for them to do while he gets to spend his days in a classroom and his nights doing whatever the fuck he wants to do. In short, Claudette is still the responsible one that gets to give up the precious little free time she gets... again.) I told her no. I legally don't have custody of them. That Randy does and they if they don't go with him, they will be sitting wherever his new wife Gabby is staring at her all summer because she married him knowing that he had FULL custosy of his kids during the summer.
Insert guilt trip. Or rather, insert guilt trip attempt. The only thing that she managed to do was annoy me. I will not bend on this summer. He made his bed and now he will lay in it or I will go to the courts and have his custody terminated.
And I am sorry if I sound like a whining little bitch right now but you know what?? I'm tired of being the one that everyone shits on then walks away. I'm tired. Plain old fashioned tired. Why is it that to avoid inconveniencing everyone else I have to bend over backwards, forwards, and sideways? Why do I have to be the one that takes and takes and takes what everyone else wants to dump on me and deal with it?
What about me?
What. About. ME?
When do I get to say goodbye to my loved ones? When I get to go out and party without having to come home? When do I get to meet a guy and have sex with him because I don't have anything or anyone else to think about for that moment in time? Am I supposed to wait until my last child is over 18 and away at college? I'm supposed to wait another five years? Is that how that works? I'm thirty fucking five and I feel like I'm fifty. I missed my teens because I had to be the good girl and be with Mommy. I missed my twenties because I had to be the good Navy wife and good mommy. Now I'm missing my thirties because I have to be the good daughter and the good single mom.
I seriously just want to run away for a few days. But I can't. Because I would be inconveiniencing too many people and that's not what Claudette does.
Claudette needs a fucking lobotomy.
Fuck today. I'm going to bed.
Oh wait no... I have to go feed the cat.
Fuck.
