I guess she's gone

So I'm guessing Roxie is gone.  No goodbye to me or anything.  Not even a random bag of Candy Corn left on my desk.

But I guess that's okay too.

So I'm pretty sure I'm ready to talk about it without crying too much and if I or she talked about it I apologize for repeating myself (Ourselves?). But Monday night was unofficially the last time I will ever set foot in a Pizza Hut again.

Monday, and understand that this is the last night that Roxie and I were together, we get this call from a friend at another hut telling us that the manager there was telling someone how he was taking over Arboretum the next day.  That was our store.  She called us to warn us that we were getting fired.  So we called Brad who, of course, sent us to voicemail but answered the "Am I getting fired?" (Because he refused to acknowledge the DID diagnosis) and he answered with "no but we need to talk tomorrow". Our response was that we were off tomorrow.  Never once did we ask if we could meet Wednesday or anything and never once did he offer to meet us somewhere Tuesday.

Wednesday morning, I woke up.  Just me.  Roxie was there but she was chilling.  It was a day off so she wasn't needed. I could feel her but not to the point where she was in any way in control.  And I spent the day cleaning and doing laundry and whatnot.  Brad texted and asked me to meet him at the Bojangles behind Mountain Island at 930 am.  I asked is this a meeting I had to dress in uniform for.  He said yes, I said okay.

Wednesday Morning, again, I woke up.  But instead of knowing Roxie was there, I didn't.  I even sat in the car and asked her if she wanted to do this or did she want me to do this and I got no answer.  None whatsoever so I figured if I needed her to handle this she'd come out.

I was wrong.  Roxie apparently decided it was time for me to start living and handling shit all on my own.  Admittedly I still kinda low key resent her for that but in a way, I can't really blame her because I know now, that I was hiding behind her.  Anyway, I walked into he restaurant and brad came in shortly after.  Without preamble he slid a sheet in front of me and told me in the most clinical and cold voice that I have EVER heard that I was being demoted to a shift leader.  Not assistant manager not being given the help I need.  Not even going to be working with the guy that said he was taking over my store. I was being demoted and sent back to prosperity.  The store I was shot at over some damn chicken wings.  And I was being demoted to a pay rate lower than that that I had hired my own shift leads at.

Understand that at this point they have more than doubled my rent, taken away my food stamps and for days I had been living without water because I couldn't afford the bill.  Not once did Brad ask me if everything was okay.  He's over there every damn day asking if Diamond was okay and texting her all the time but never once did he ask me if I was okay to which I would have probably not said yes for the first time.

Not only was he sending me back to the store I was shot at, he was cutting my pay in half if not more and telling me that sometimes I'd even be a driver.

I cried for Roxie.  I signed his paper because I thought I could do it and maybe then I thought I could do but I signed it and left.  I got in the car and I begged for Roxie to answer me but all I got was silence so I went to housing and showed them and then I went to Kelley who reactivated me as a Keeper.  So didn't have a gap job wise.

And then I went home and commenced drinking.  You don't need to know the gory details of it but apparently I am a very... uh... social drunk and called a lot of people.  In the end, Kat had to come from her job and put me to bed.  Also... Apparently Roxie said goodbye to her.  She said that I had been asleep for awhile but I looked her in the eyes and said Thank you for helping her, I can sleep now.  So Roxie said goodbye someone.

Not that I'm not used to it.  Usually when Roxie goes away for long periods of time she doesn't say goodbye in the traditional sense.  I usually get what I feel like is a random hug and then she's gone and I don't know when she'll be back.  If she'll be back.  How to bring her back.

This episode in "Down the Rabbit hole" has taught me one thing though.....  As a person, you expect certain people to always be there and some others to at least not run away but more than two of the people that I had hoped would at least try to help me, ran.  And I don't mean ran with small letters I mean RAN with capital bold letters.  One of whom I, Claudette, really liked.  And honestly, I think him running away hurts more than Roxie going away because I know one day, Roxie will be back back but him, he, he won't be because I think I'm smart enough to realize now that when the chips are down, he will probably cash out and walk away from the table.  And I don't think I can feel that hurt anymore.  Realizing that he could do that as coldly as Brad and his meeting hurt almost as bad as Brad and his meeting and I can't feel that way ever again.  I don't want to feel that way ever again.  Either you are there for it all or not there at all.  I forgive him though.    If I had readers out here, I would ask if it's possible to even feel like a friend to him but I don't have readers.  Silly Dette, Readers are for popular people! LOL.

I mean, can you call someone that drops you that bad a friend?  Can you?

One friend gave me his honest open opinion about the whole thing and I respect him.  He's still my friend.  I may be feeling a bit salty towards him but he's always been my friend, he's always given his whole opinion and he's never lied.  So yeah, he's a friend.

I have to think on the first guy.  Probably to be blogged about another time because that's going to have to be a conference between my head and my heart and right now, my heart is on crutches hobbling to and fro and my head is being stubborn and telling my heart to suck it up while it goes through stacks of paperwork for the last few weeks trying to sort out what the hell just happened.  How we went down the rabbit hole how we called out Roxie, how the last few weeks just happened because I'm going to be brutally honest, There are somethings that Roxie did that I have no memory of except snatches of conversations she may have wanted me to hear or text messages between her and whoever.  Right now my brain feels like the most overworked secretary in the world.

But I'm able to function again, so Roxie, if you're out in the ether and you surface long enough to read this, Thank you and I love you because if you hadn't been here these last few weeks I'm pretty sure id be dead right now.  So thank you.  Thank you for being the Wonder Woman you apparently always have been.

Ciao Bellas. Have to take the minion to work.

R- Let’s talk about sex baby...

Let’s talk about that for a second.  

I mean.  I just stood in the mirror looking at this body for like twenty minutes.  It’s got some curves and some dents but it’s not bad.  The boobs are about palm sized and not hard, the nipples are kinda responsive.

It’s not a bad body, so why does no one want it?  We need to work on that.  Yeah.  

I wonder...

When people decide to kill themselves, do they contemplate it for awhile, then decide they aren’t going to do it, then decide to change their lives, then something snaps and boom?  Life over.

Problems for them done, problems for everyone else just beginnng?  Like is there a thought process?  Stages?

I’m pretty convinced that if there are stages, I’m at the life affirmation, deciding to turn it all around stage.  That being said I wonder what stage is next?  The one when you get extremely angry because you realize your ass is stuck?  The one where you jus decide fork it?

I wish I could just kill me and not Roxie because it’s me that’s depressed.  She’s not depressed.  She’s angry that I can’t pull myself out of this depression.  Not even having probably the best weekend of my life can pull me completely out of this hole.

And believe me when I say it was the best weekend I have had in so long I can’t remember a better weekend.  But I was only halfway out of my hole when I had to go back to work and got blamed for shit that I wasn’t even there for.

My inventory was off.  No prep was done.  Truck was still in the floor.  The computer was frozen. There was expired product in the walk in because of the two managers there, not one person realized that he sixteenth was two forking days ago and that the tenth was over a week ago.

But it’s my fault.  Because I’m the general manager.

I’m both relieved and terrified to say that it took Roxie point five seconds to decide fork the cohabitation thing and shove me back in my black hole of nothing which is oddly becoming quite a comforting place since nothing and no one can seem to hurt me there.

Well the cheese can.  The cheese and the hut can hurt me no matter if I’m in my deep dark blackness, at the beach frolicking in the waves, trudging through sand dunes tonsee a ighthouse that admittedly was really pretty, or even having a drink for my goddamn birthday.  The cheese can hurt me.
Something happened to all the wings.  I wasn’t there but it was my fault that we only had three bags this morning.

Have you ever seen two personalities fight over a text?  I assure you it’s actually kind of funny.  I mean when my ass began to get cheeed this morning I was like "but I wasn’t even here how is this my fault?" But Roxie was all like "You can kiss the part of my ass that I haven’t wiped after eating four day old Mexican food!" We typed the response text so many times and deleted it to rewrite it, that we actually got a text in the middle of it asking if we had an answer.

Sadly or maybe not sadly, an edited version of Roxie’s text is what got sent...  the boss realized later in when she went off on the other managers for ignoring her but sitting up and clapping for the batshit crazy phsycho manager that is allowed to quit every damn day for two weeks and still have a store show.  I swear.  Roxie’s pissed off was felt in like six stores and the dm’s office/car today.  She asked three times if anyone had any wings and no one bothered to answer.  So finally she asked if she could be taken out of the chat because she was tired of being ignored.  That she was always there if they had a question that she might be able to answer but it was amazing how when she needed one goddamn answer suddenly everyone’s phone was dead. She was immediately answered with no no one had any spare wings and the dm telling her to order some from the warehouse and he would personally go pick it up.

I can’t say how I came out of my black hole that Roxie places me in for my own protection but I’m out.  Probably because she worked hard to correct the mistakes in the store today and when she’s tired here are less barriers for me to get through.

It’s okay Roxie.  You sleep now.  Tomorrow I will see the doctor and try not to sound like a blubbering mess that’ll get us locked up in an asylum when I try to explain how stressed we are.  I never get to say this to you, but I got you.  For right now.  I got this.  You rest.

I’m not out of the hole that threatening to swallow us both, but I’m out of it enough that for this one time, I can hold you and tell you it’s going to be okay for tonight.

It’s an aside, but everyone knows that losing someone very dear to them is horrible and there’s levels to your healing process but telling someone to stop complaining that they looked ugly on the morning of their fortieth birthday because every birthday is a gift and her husband didn’t get that gift is not okay.  Not okay like at all and the person who pulled that stunt is so very very lucky that both of us have an immense amount of respect and didn’t go off in her for it because it was done to us at the worst possible time today.


I’m tired now.  I think going t bed is the best possible thing I could do.

Ciao Bellas

Not waking up

It’s hard to show who’s typing right now because both of us are wondering what hat it be like if we’d never been born?  What what it’d have been like if we never split into two and what would it be like if we took the rest of this bottle of clonazapam and a handful of tradodone and just... didn’t wake up...

It’d be like going to sleep right?  Dying? Leaving all the pain behind and for once not feeling like we’re no good enough, not pretty enough, not competent enough, or just to put it simply not enough...

The mother unit would be broken, there’s no doubt about that. But unlike us, she has God to turn to. He still talks to her.  Or maybe it’s that she still talks to him.  We’re not really sure how the religious thing works anymore.

The kids would be mad and sad but they’d have their dad and Gabby to cling to.  He’d get to be the only parent whichbhes wanted for as long as e can remember, she’d get to be mom to all of them.  Well probably just Livy and Jojo.  We don’t think she really ever cared for Kayla but we did and that was enough.

Kay would blame Pizza Hut and we feel that somehow this would break her more than it would break anyone else.  For that we apologize.

The father unit.... ell bless him but he’s just come back into our lives and he’s never been aware that there’s wonof us and he’d probably say I was Gods plan and the mother unit would finally beat he shit out of him because there is no plan that her God could have that would rob her of her baby.

The Hut wouldn’t feel a damn thing.  They’d replace us without a second thought although if we ever did this there would be a note telling one and all that he Hut precipitated this cation of cowardice.

Of all the people we would feel for... not sorry... but feel in our eternal soul... would be the friend units that have always been there and have bent over backwards to try and pull us out of our holes.  They have talked us down, talked us up, takes to us t our lower points, laughed with us at our higher points.  For them we would probably hate what we’d done.

But we’d be free.  And maybe finally the two different people that we are.  Claudette could see what Roxie looks like and vice versa because we thing if we ever got separated we might look like very different.

We apologize.  But this is something hat we’ve been thinking more and more about every day that life tells us we aren’t good enough.  We apologize if we ever do this but the pain is getting too much and we can’t hold on much longer.  We’ve been holding on as long as we can and pretty soon our grip is going to slip and when it does....

We are truly sorry.