So I've been a reasonable person...

At least in my eyes, I have...

So awhile ago I made the rough, and believe me deep down it was rough, choice to let the kids correspond with Randy's girlfriends mother (I know it sounds like I'm going all hatfield and Mccoy on you, but try to keep up) and you know what, it's going okay.  She may get a big smile on her face when they write but to tell you the truth my kids get excited because they have mail but the smile fades when they find out its from her.  Why?  Because she spends most of the letter telling them what to do and preaching at them.  I mean more than me, my mother, my father the minister and the entire church family combines. in one letter.  When they write her back they dash out like three to six lines and they're happy that they got that much.  Tonight I actually had to make them sit and start writing and they can finish in the morning but they need to make it long.  They don't want to write her and I'm kinda getting sick of the preaching.  It's getting to me now.

Also my best friend/sister's sister is on her perpetual rag again.  Out of respect for Lise, I won't put details here but let's just say that this time her man decided to include me in the body count.  I simply deleted her.  I mean it's facebook for cripes sake.  I don't have to take it so I won't.

Things with the boy are going okay for the moment.  not that I'm looking for the other shoe to go fling across the room.  I'm always on the lookout for that.  For the moment he's watching his p's and q's and realizing that when I said he was gone at the end of the year, he was really gone.  In fact I made him take the glow in the dark stars off his wall.  HE has to do a total clean out of of that room before he leaves and little by little Livy is making him understand that pretty soon it will be HER room.

So that's my life.

Nothing to report on men because one there aren't any and two I made a promise about a week ago that I won't be blogging, facebooking, or tweeting about men because it's a waste of time.

So there ya go!  Ciao Chickadees!!

Love ya!

Morning... why do we have it again??

I'm finding that the only plausible reason for mornings is to remind me that I didn't sleep the night before.

So Monday night Tuesday morning was sorta by choice not to go to bed.  My mom had to catch the 4:50 am bus out of Charlotte and I needed to be at her house by four ish because my mom is one of the few remaining people on this planet that lives by the die hard belief that if you are there any later than thirty minutes to the time that you're actually supposed to be there, you are late.  And then her bus was late loading and apparently late leaving.  Not the best send off.  The point was I didn't go to sleep because the last few days have been sort of an issue with me and sleeping.  The issue being that I don't.  At least not enough to call it sleeping.  It's more like dozing.  And that being the case if I had gone to sleep Monday night I would have slept clean through my alarm to get up and be at Mommy's house.  I know it so I chose to go to sleep.

After the kids got off to school, I did get back in the bed.  I can't honestly say I slept.  The sun was up and although, thankfully no one called me or texted me or was brave enough to ring my bell, but still I basically tossed and turned until I gave up and got up.  That was around one and then I didn't bother to do anything productive until around three.

I really dislike it when my sleep pattern gets screwed three ways from Sunday. (There's a funny saying.  I wonder where it came from.)  It generally takes forever and massive amounts of sleeping type drugs to get it back on track.  And I am increasingly no good until it gets to that point.  My temper is notoriously short (We're talking like THE shortest fuse here.  There is no time to scatter as I can go from pleasant and smiling to throwing things at you in like .01 seconds.) and I'm prone to sit and look at you with a blank expression on my face.  And when I say blank. I really mean blank because the brain goes into safety mode.  So whereas when I give you a blank look on my normal slept through the night days I'm usually thinking about something but on no sleep days there is absolutely nothing behind those eyes.

Last night I couldn't tell you what went wrong.  I took the melatonin and I laid down.  I even threw a Tramadol in there for good measure.  I guess Tramadol really does contain caffeine cause man I tossed and turned and stared at my ceiling for hours.  And then had to get up an hour early because the little one had to be at school before six forty five for her field trip today.

Please don't think I am complaining.  I really am not.  The problem is usually cause by something I did and exaggerated by more things that I do.  When I was married, Randy used to cure these non sleeping streaks by dragging me to bed.  And I do mean that literally.  He would get so sick of me by like day three or four that he would drag me off to bed and well, ensure that I went to sleep.  Sometimes I miss being married.

Sometimes.

And like I said before, it really doesn't help that the meds I take have a sexual appetite side effect.  I mean really?? It's was cute in the beginning, to be hot and bothered and ready to drag some poor male into my room and not let him out for a day or so but now it's like... that's just it... I can't come up with a colorful description of what it's like.  I'm effing horny and lemme tell you when you have no one to help you with that problem and you have tried to solve it yourself, it's not a pretty feeling.  Come to think of it, knowing my female friends out there, I'm pretty sure you know exactly the feeling I'm talking about.

My house is making funny sounds.  It usually does when I'm here by myself or up by myself.  I seem to be the only one who ever hears these noises.  LIke I can not touch the dresser my television sits on all day.  And no matter what when I go to bed, it always has to creak and groan.  My mom calls them settling noises.  Like the house is settling down for the night.  Tell me, what did the house do all day that it has to settle in for the night?  As much running as I do some days, shouldn't I be the one groaning and creaking?

Spring has definitely sprung here in Charlotte.  My nose has confirmed this by affixing itself in the run position. I have gone through more tissues than ever this past few weeks.  As for the crap in my lungs, that's still there.  Nearly impossible to cough up but it still feels free to choke the living crap out of me when I get to talking.  Or driving.  Lately, it has decided to creep up on me when I'm driving.  Usually on particularly curvy roads.  It has however decided to make a strategic retreat this morning.  Possibly because I have a doctors appointment and we all know you can suffer from something until you feel like you are nearly dead.  The day of your doctor's appointment arrives and suddenly you feel freaking better.

So I need to go straighten my hair.  If I'm lucky enough the coughing will stay at bay while I have hot instruments of female torture in my hands.  Although I don't think so because the cough and crap sensed I was talking about it and it has made a glorious show of strangling me to the point that it took me about ten minutes to type that last bit.

It is going to be a good day.  I am not going to kill anyone today.  I am not even going to attempt to kill anyone today.  Nor am I going to think about killing anyone today.  Today is a good day.  I have now been to the school twice today as I had to take a pause and drive the little girl next door to school.  She missed the bus.  Again.  Poor child.  I treat both her and her brother like they are my own.  I guess that's why my neighbor, their grandmother trusts me with them.  Women usually trust me with their kids.  I treat just about all kids like they are my own.  Dunno if that's a good thing or bad.  I think I got it from my mom.  Every kid she taught was her kid.  I think I had a revolving door of siblings growing up and my mom treated us all the same. If they acted up in her class, she gave them that blank look that screams "I'm waiting for you to act human again." and if they were sick, she treated them as if they were fragile eggs.  Just like me.

So sigh...  Time to go try to put an official start on my day.  See you all later!

Blogging from Church

Shame on me.

Lol, not really. I'm here for the kids practice and mommy took the car so I'm here. It's not so bad. I'm holed up the stairwell where no one can see me but I can hear EVERYTHING. And to boot I am keeping up my bad girl side by pirating the church's wifi. Crap signal but it gets the job done.

So I basically have very little to talk about tonight. I mean I had a really good day but still not anything blog worthy.

I made bread today. I took the sun nut bread recipie and added crushed almonds to it. Apparently it came out good cause the kids fairly attacked it. Hehe. Even Mommy says she wants a piece of it. We'll see.

But basically I have been playing rock band all afternoon. I went back to sleep this morning as usual, but I hadn't taken my night meds save the melatonin last might aid interestingly enough, I didn't sleep till twelve. Only ten thirty and I was fine. I even manged to get some laundry done between songs.

I rock.

No seriously I do cause of rock band three. Hehe. That game is seriously awesome.  I need more people to get xbox live and the game so we can play.

I am so about the freak the teenage girls out by appearing out of the stairwell.  Like I said its the perfect hiding place.  No one ever knows I am here.

I mean... Uh... I never hide here... Never... Esspecially not during church... *whistles and walks away*

So yeah, there's tonights blog.  Cause you best believe when I get home I'm going right back to Rock band. Numb hand and all.

Toodles.  Love and hugs.  See ya!

I do a lot of sighing...

You may or may not have noticed that my blog is now private.  Only people that I have given permission to can come in a read.  This is because I have finally decided that not everyone needs to know all about me.  And those that I make the mistake of thinking are my friends are sometimes kamikaze soldiers in disguise.  Case in Point my ex friend Michelle.

She is the one that told me flat out that I deserve everything I am going through with my son.  NO more will be said.

As for the boy, I am having another ripple in my serenity pond with him.

I did a random book bag search on him yesterday morning.  I found that he was trying to take his sketch books to school as well as a pink DS.  Why can't we stop taking rides on the Nintendo sponsored merry go round??  Long story short, he claims it belongs to his friend Joaquim.  Said friend came to the door today and I asked him why he would have a pink DS?  HE responded that it's his cousin's.  Of course he looked to the left and stuttered making me think back to Psychology 101.  I believe he's lying.  The again, I'm kinda apt to not believe any male right now.  I also asked him how long ago he gave it to Jovaughn.  He stuttered, looked at Jovaughn and scrunched up his face saying about... last Tuesday.  The girls said he had a pink DS last month and said he had had one for awhile now.

So I tripped the boy up and told him that I am only going to give it to his parents and he needs to bring his mother or father to my door to get the DS back.  If he doesn't bring his parent back to me, I will know that Jovaughn cooked up this story to get me to give the DS to his friend so he could get it back.  I am not as stupid as he thinks I am.

His father was supposed to call last night.  As much as I say Randy and I don't get along, he really is one of the few males in my life that can keep me from flying off my proverbial handle.  He knows what to do and say every time and when he doesn't he lets me rant.  After the rant he has a general idea of what to say and he says it.  When he didn't call last night there was no buffer between the boy and I.  With no buffer, the boy said something and walked around like he was the one that had the right to be hurt and I snapped.

And then I cried.  And then I snapped again.

I wanted to take a slow walk into the middle of the highway that runs not too far from my house.  I just felt bad and as usual I asked for help on my facebook.  I said and I quote "I need a reason NOT to get drunk tonight." and not one person said a word for hours until Shawna.  She texted me back down to where I could at least touch my feet to the ground.  And as of last night, I honest to God Thank GOD for her.  Because I honestly would have done something very drastic last night.  I was feeling just that bad.

You probably didn't notice but I took a little bit of a break there.  I was actually gone for like four hours.  Mom nd I are taking a sign language class at the church up the road from me.  Well actually I should say the Big church.  Everyone in the area would know that I mean Friendship.  They freaking take up both sides of the road.  They have the little church on one side, (And the little church is bigger than the medium sized church I go to now.) and the BIG church which just for reference you can see from the highway from at least two miles away on a clear day...  Yeah it's that big.  Their chor practices in a room that's so freaking huge I'm pretty sure Jay-Z would walk in and go "Damnnnnn!!!" Well he might not say Damn cause after all, it is a church.

I got back and my guitar and game had gotten here.  I love the UPS man now.  He doesn't know it, but I love him.  I also love Amazon.  Amazon rocks.  Amazon could be my bosom buddy that gives me a kidney.  Yeah, it's like that.

So at the moment, I am going to go immerse myself in Rock band.  IF you don't hear from me for a few days that's why but I can still be reached by text.

Love and hugs guys.  Hope you all have happy dreams. 

This is going to be short...

because it's 12:30 in the morning and I have to be up at seven.  Church. So there have been a few ups and downs, this week. Up: I blogged about Andrea and got it off my mind and actually felt better because I had put my anger and hurt in my blog and not sent her the eff you kind of email that was quite literally on my fingertips. Down: She saw the angry/hurt blog (Seriously who knew she still read my blog? She hadn't talked to me in months) And of course, she took it about six different directions of wrong, I guess. Maybe she didn't. I don't know. Quite honestly, I am not sure I care. As far as I'm concerned, like I said, the fact that she didn't even give me as much as a courtesy text that she was pregnant spoke volumes. What I heard was "I don't consider you a friend anymore" So que sera. Whatever, I responded to the comment she left and left it alone. Up that's not really an Up but rather a pretty heinous down: I went looking for a high school friend that up until I checked last week we were friends and sent her a facebook message asking how we had become unfriended and said that if she did it for a reason I wouldn't ask to be her friend again. She approved me and then unfriended me the very next day and wrote me "It doesn't really matter now does it" in response to the message I sent her when I sent the friend request. So of course stupid stupid me was curious as to what happened. The really crappy down: She responded and told me flat out that she didn't respect me as a person. Not that I know what that was about but again stupid me asked and what followed thatwas she didn't like the stuff I say about my mother, my kids, and her. First off, I need to go looking back at like everything I've ever written because I don't remember writing anything bad about my mother. Whatever, and yeah, I say things about my kids but I'm usually only expressing my angst about the things they do and my parenting skills. As for what I say about her, I don't think I have EVERsaid her name in my blog and never had anything but good to say about her. Personally I think she's reaching for reasons for us not to be friends. When she was going through a bad relationship when I was I college, she basically gave me the brush off with an email punch in the gut and years later blamed it on she was in a bad situation and took it out on her friends. She ensured the punch in the gut again this time when she flat out said that she thinks the problems I am having with my son are my fault. Yeah, sucker punch me one shame on you, sucker punch me twice shame on me. I will not make the same mistake a third time. Rot in hell and burn slowly. She said I talked about her, there you go. I officially said something bad about her. I wish her well in life but when she leaves this earth I wish her nothing but pain and torment. Any hurt that she caused anybody on this earth, I hope that their pain fuels the fire she burns in. Not very adult of me I know. In fact I'm pretty sure that might qualify me for the kindergarten hall of shame but a little bit of me wants to be petty for even just a moment in time and you know what, this is kinda an open blog so she may troll and see that. I don't care. Sucker punches in the gut like the one she gave me don't get to be forgiven. Ever. Up: My bills are being paid off little by little. Down: I don't have any spending cash but it's not really a down because hell I am going to be debt free soon. Up: I'm sorting out my personal life. I am thinking before I make my choices. and then even before I'm making those choices I'm thinking again. Down: I usually talk myself out of doing something before I can get to the choice but hey if I can talk myself out of it I didn't need it, right? And that's kinda it. I think. It's late. It's like one am now and I'm about finished with my drink so I'm going to go to bed. Oh and a side note I'm still taking my med. I'm controlling the urge to go out and grab the first man I see and do things that would get me locked up. Happy and floating on cloud nine but locked up on cloud nine. I'm also managing the sleeping thing. I find that it's about having the will power. When I got Andrea off my mind I started to sleep at night and not need to be asleep all day. So it was stress over the crap in my life that was making me feel that I needed to crawl into bed and sleep for another four hours after the kids went to school. I still go back to sleep some days but not for four hours. Maybe only two and then I'm good. My attitude is definitely better. I blog and I'm done. It's out of my head and gone from my subconscious. It's still not controlling my headaches like it's supposed to but I'm going to give the stress free life a try and see if that was hindering the meds from working. I am going to live a stress free life. If people around me want to act high school, they can and I will just walk away. If they wanna sucker punch me, they can. I'll get over it. Guys can text me or not text me, I'll go on breathing. The world will keep on spinning and I will keep on typing. It's all good. Life is life. If you spend it working hard to make it go the way you want it, you're going to wake up old and tired because you have spent your whole life trying to change the course of the ocean by digging new rivers with a baby spoon. So yeah. Oh! I have figured out my Halloween costume this year, but more on that later! Ta! Dette