What the fuck...

 ...did I do to deserve this Karmic revenge?  I feel like I did some serious shit to someone in a past life that THIS life is where the karma bus dropped me off and told me "good luck" and drove away.

So Mildred died Saturday.  It was not a surprise. It w as very expected.  We all knew it was coming Saturday was a great day.  One of the bests that I have had in a long while. But Sunday?  What the fuck and where the fuck did that come from.  Dell called me to tell me about her mother and I was quiet and went on.  I don't know if it didn't hit me then or what.  But I don't think that's what this past few days is about.  Sadly, I think it was the trigger.

Since Covid started, my mother has become this recluse that acts like I am her one and only lifeline to the outside world.  If I step away for even a second, she will drown.  Like literally drown.  If I work more than my normal in her eyes, she suddenly needs to call me EVERY DAY and sometimes during work.  But if I answer and tell her I'm at work, se's like "Oh! I'm sorry!  I forgot!" but then has to have a conversation regardless and if I insist that this can be done later, she gets all moody.  Even if I call her back when I'm not at work, moody.

I don't understand this at all.  Like AT ALL.  I was raised by a no nonsense, I-can-do-it-all-by-my-damn-self woman who raised me not to be needy.  As a result, needy people annoy the ever loving hell out of me.  I even raised my kids to be self sufficient so that they aren't needy.  Well two of my kids at least... well one... Fuck it, I don't know.  So my mom suddenly needing me every goddamn day is throwing me and when I try to distance myself just a little bit because I don't want to snap, she makes it seem like I'm leaving her on a island all by herself and sailing away for parts unknown.  Never to be seen again and this causes a panic attack. which makes her call and whine and need me.  I don't even know what happened Friday but not being able to catch her breath and me not responding in the manner she deemed appropriate for the situation caused a whole host of problems.  It went into t Saturday but when she checked the location on her phone to see that I had flitted all the way down to South Carolina we went back to me sailing away and leaving her on an island all alone and BOOM, instant full blown, I can't breath, I'm scared and you aren't here I need you help me whoa is me episode. Sunday, much of the same but I was local now so it wasn't THAT big of a deal.  Monday, her doctor called her back and told her it was a panic attack and guess what?  She's fucking fine.  Oh but not before she ordered a medic alert panic button.  Yay.  We have to cancel the trip to Cherokee.  My time in the mountains with no one but me and a stream and a rocking chair?  Oh that's toast.  No, she doesn't think she should be around the smoke and she won't be able to walk tat far and cue violins but maybe... since it's her birthday this weekend I can take her by the new casino at kings mountain where she's been wanting to go for weeks now.

Does anyone see what she did here?  Guilt trip.  It's my birthday so I HOPE you'll come by.  I'm feeling better now and when I feel better I get so LONELY.  Instead of going all the way to Cherokee where I won't be able to walk the casino, maybe we can go the one twenty minutes from my house that's equally as huge but you'll be WITH ME when I have to sit down because I CAN'T BREATHE.  I don't like it when YOU are down.  It makes ME feel bad.

I swear my mother could give a Jewish mother from the sixties a master class in how to successfully throw a guilt trip.  Any one of the mothers on sitcoms from that era have absolutely NOTHING on my mom.

And I absolutely CANNOT vent to my friends because they don't have moms anymore so no matter what, even when they say I can vent, I feel like world's most ungrateful person because they're moms have gone on to god and I'm here complaining about mine.  

It is so hard for me to ask for help.  I don't know how and if I manage to  get the words out for one time in my life, I get platitudes.

why doesn't anyone understand that I just need to walk away?  From all of it.  Create a new life in a place that no one knows me and not do this anymore.  What scares me the most is that my mom is 76 this year.  I don't have many more years left with her and when she's gone, I am probably going to do just that: Walk away into the sunset and not one bloody person will be able to find me because I am so over this.

Like I said, I think Mildred dying was the trigger that set off a bomb that's been smoldering for a long time.  I don't even like my job anymore.  Death has always felt like a sinking ship to me.  A sinking ship that drags everyone around it under with no hope of getting back to the surface again.  I usually walk away before death swings his scythe.  But I couldn't this time and this time, it dragged me under and took all the compassion I had because I can't tell you right now that I care about anything.

My job annoys me, my mom annoys me... but here's the kicker, if you tell her you just need space, she gets moody and remember that little goddamn island and me sailing away...?, the fact that my kids refuse to knock before they bust open my door, yeah that annoys me too.  My animals annoy me.  The fact that that fucking kitten has managed to most likely get Satan's mistress pregnant and I'm going to have to deal with that soon annoys me.

I don't have a pastor that I can talk to because Hagwood, not that personable and guess who is good friends with my mom?  Can't talk to anyone in the church because guess who they're ALL good friend with?  Don't have a man that can just give me one of those man hugs that fix shit because I am only a fuck friend.  Derek, on'y wants to fuck me.  Doesn't want that emotion shit.  Donald?  Only wants to fuck me.  Like he won't even read a text I've sent for a whole fucking week.

Fuck this!  Fuck it all!  What the fuck did I do to someone in a past life that this is my penance? I can't find love.  Like he's not out there.  I don't believe any of it anymore.  He's not.  I'm going to die alone.  I am going to be singing all by myself until the day that I can finally finally FINALLY lay down in bed and close my eyes and wake up in a new life.

And please God if I did anything to anyone in THIS life that's going to screw the next life just let me be someones guardian angel of something.  Please don't give me another life like this.  I might just have to fall from grace and defect because damn, it is incredibly had to associate the God that church tells me loves me with any deity that would let this life continue like this.  How can I believe that some unseeing force of whatever WANTS me to be this miserable?  

Just please tell me what did I do?  Why is this my life?  Who did I screw so cosmically over and where can I find them to apologize?

I can't do this much longer.  I just can't...