And people ask me WHY I choose to be antisocial sometimes....

Because social media is going to make me act on my horrible thoughts one day.  I swear I don't know what runs through people's heads when they post on a website that's available to millions.

So I had this woman, Karen, on my facebook for the longest time.  I mean probably years at this point.  I have talked to her a few times via message and twitter and once over the phone.  She generally is/was a very nice person...to her friends.  But she dislikes a good bit of her family and has no problem calling them everything from Cunts to whores, to bitches ALL OVER FACEBOOK.  She wishes they would die, get deported, have houses fall in on them, yada yada yada, the story and the spew of threats and horrible wishes for them doesn't stop.  For a couple of months I actually unfollowed her.  Not unfriended her, but un followed her because I simply tired of seeing it.  Then in a moment of sympathy when she asked why I didn't respond to her posts anymore I told her I couldn't see them and I told her why I had hidden them to which she promised that it wouldn't happen again.  So I allowed her posts back into my news feed.  And you know what?  For nearly two years, all was copacetic. And then this year she started going off again.  At least fifteen times a day eff this eff that person hope this person dies," "my mothers sister is a dumb bitch", "hope my good for nothing son and his illegal cunt wife get deported", stuff like that and I posted on my facebook, the following:

Shortly thereafter by which I mean less than two hours, I held to the promise and deleted and blocked Karen as she chose in that short time to go off on another tirade about this time going to wal-mart and some woman asking about her aunt and her responding that she's a dumb bitch.  Whether or not she had time to see my warning I don't know.  She then took to twitter to contact me.  Hence a screenshot of the whole conversation:

After she said the part about me being desperate, I stopped responding completely.  I didn't feel that it required me to respond because I know myself and I know that I was already having a bad day so I didn't want to go off on her in typical Dette style.  If you know me you know that had I responded, it probably would have gone way downhill, taken a right and flew out into the stratosphere in no time at all.  So I said nothing.

This morning, I opened my Facebook inbox to check that I didnt have any messages in the OTHER box (The one that non friends get sent to until you check it?  I try to check it once a week)  A lo and behold I had a message:

I cannot respond any further because I blocked him.

So from this I gather, that my name is now mud in Omak, Washington State.  Damn, and I had a reservation to go visit on a quarter past never.  I'm going to have to cancel my trip now.

I don't understand how two people in the same conversation can see things fifteen different ways  I really don't.  But I guess this is what social media does to friendships.

I've made some really good friends via Facebook and I intend to keep them as long as they want me around.  But here's the thing.  It's Facebook.  It is NOT the bible.  It is NOT the Holy Grail.  It is NOT the edict by which ANYONE should live their life.  It is a website created by a kid in a dorm room one night when he was bored.  That is all.  Nothing more.

Shaking my head at all of this.  Just shaking my head.  Stay Frosty bloggers, I'm going to find something to do with my Monday night.  Looking like Orange is the New Black might be my plan right now.  Not a bad show. Pretty funny actually.

Take it easy!  Smell ya later!!

Well, today is going to be interesting...

...And by interesting, I mean for everyone around me.  For me it's probably going to suck.

So my aunt called me at a little after nine thirty this morning.  To remind me that I'm spending the night over at her house to dog sit. I have scattered views on why, If I go over and walk her and play with her, do I have to spend the night with her but whatever, I shall comply for she is bringing me me back popcorners which is this awesome popcorn chip that I had on a flight up to New York and bought a bag in NY but never once thought to call someone and see if they sold them here before returning.  So I got home and *Gasp* they don't sell them in the south.  WTF?!?!

Anyway, I have since found that Bj's sells them or the website says they do, I don't want to go all the way up there and they don't because then I might have to hurt someone.

So I did manage to get the garbage disposal unjammed and the five day old chicken in the sun smell is slowly going away because apparently there was a piece of now four day old chicken in the drain and my house was just smelling nasty.  I also did the dishes.  Well, put them in the dishwasher and hit on, but still...

I have all but finished my coffee and the desire to drive ten plus miles for some damn popcorn chips is still strong. The force is strong with this craving...

On one hand, if I go up there and they don't have them, I can still get cheap gas.  On the other hand, if I go there and they don't have them, I can get gas and the steaks for tomorrow night.  On the third hand, If I drive all the way up there and they have them, yay! and I get them, gas, and steaks.  Winning all around.  Yes, I think I will go up there and see if they have them.

What's that you say?  Why don't I call up there first to see?  Have you ever tried calling a BJ's to see if they have something in stock??  No?  Okay let me clue you in.  You will call and get the customer relations desk.  They will put you on hold while they page someone in that department but it will be time for their break.  It always is.  Someone else will pick up the call but not know what you are looking for and they will put you BACK on hold while they look after you've explained it in enough detail that a preschooler could find it.  Then they will get distracted by a customer actually on the floor and forget about you until your call eventually rings back to the customer relations desk and the whole freaking cycle begins again.  I'd rather drive.

So coffee is doe.  And the world is looking a little brighter. I don't think anyone is actually going to die today.  Or get cussed out.  But the day is only half over so I can't say that in concrete yet.

Time to get dressed.  Toodles!

Stay Frosty!

Ugh...

So I did the silent thing at work tonight.  IT wasn't totally on purpose, but it kinda was.  I get random migraines and when I do I have an EXTREMELY short fuse.  So short that you could tell me that the sky is blue and I will get pissed at you for telling me something that I not only already know but something that I could look up and discover for myself and then I'll get pissy because you don't think I can look up and see it which will lead to me getting pissy because you think I'm an idiot and the list is so freaking endless that it makes my head hurt worse to see if there is actually an end to said list.

So I keep silent.  Because I have anger issues.  And I have word vomit when the head hurts.  And the guard at the censorship gate just walks away.  So things and true feelings could come pouring out of my mouth that will make you hate me.  So I don't talk.  It's better to have friends and coworkers who will still work with you at the end of the day than to alienate them from the get go and be assed out.

Also, I need a shirt that says "Stop freaking asking me if I'm okay!"  Dammit if you see that I'm quiet and not smiling and you ask me once , that's okay.  If I say "i'm fine" that's generally code for no but I don't want to talk.  So drop it, please???  Just let me sort myself out.  It'll happen.  May not happen on your timetable but then.... I'm so not going to finish that.  Sometimes I can catch the word vomit.  Sometimes.

So I keep having a very weird dream.  I keep dreaming that I ask for a transfer to the University store and the GM, Jordan, and I fight like literal cartoon cats and dogs.  Every day all day.  But he won't or can't fire me.  I know why I ask for the transfer.  It's to avoid seeing someone that it's becoming increasingly hard to actually be around.

But I don't ever actually see me asking for a transfer to that store.  Never no way, no how, not going to happen.  I would rather quit first that go work there.  They are FOREVER running out of things and coming to our store to re up.  Like excuse me... No!  Just no.  Stop using so much and effing learn how to order the appropriate amount of shit on your own truck and stop mooching off of us!!  I can see needing stuff on Wednesday night right before truck... cause everyone runs out every now and again, usually RIGHT before payday/restocking.  That's just a way of life.  But to need supplies on truck day?!?!?  Are you serious?  No.  It's kinda good that I'm not a shift leader at work because honestly, I would look at the caller ID and just answer the phone with "No, dude.  No."  Or I'd pretend to go look for the stuff they ask for and come back and say "Sorry man, we can't spare it."  Or maybe the much nicer "Yeah sure you can have it but I want it back AS SOON as your truck comes in.  Like I'm going to send my driver up to your store to pick it up at ten A.M.  Yes I know, but I'll ask them to come in early just so they can come pick it up.  Oh?  You don't need it?  You can wait?  That's cool!  Bye!!"

I'm a bitch.  A pure unadulterated bitch.  I admit that... from time to time... I didn't say that.  I did not just say that.  Yes I did.  But I bet that fucker would start to use his supplies more wisely.

So it was brought up to me last night, why do I like the guy that I currently like.  My answer was hands, eyes, and voice.  While that's true, that's not totally true.  It's part of what keeps me attracted but there's something pulling me.  The first time I was in Howies and got to meet everyone, Joe says, "And this is XXXXXXX" I turned around and the air was sucked out of the room.  I don't know any other way to describe it but the air was sucked out of the room and in my mind bells started ringing.  I seriously doubt if he felt that way.  But I did.  I missed part of an important conversation for those damn bells.  When he shook my hand I felt like I never wanted to wash that sumbish again. (I did... several times.  I wash my hands maybe 90 times at work on an average week.)  And his eyes.  They're this blue grey that sees right into you and when he smiles they light up like fireworks.  The good silent but very bright ones.  His hands... oh... don't get me started on his hands.  They're actually bigger than my own which is really hard to find in guys because I got my father's hands.  They are large and more times than not fit a mans glove.  His fingers are skinnier than mine but his hands are bigger and Lord have mercy does he know what to do with them! I didn't say that.  I did not say that!....  He can lift me into the air and he doesn't have to strain or use a forklift.  No guy in my life has ever been able to.  And Heaven help me, he thinks I'm short.  My forehead is at his mouth.  As for his voice.  God I could sit and listen to him talk for hours.  Have.  His voice is so seductive.  Sometimes I sit and wonder if I'm just really really horney but then I walk into the kitchens and he's there and it's not my lower half that jumps for joy... it's my mind and my chest.  My lower half is all like "Yay, he's he's here... cool."  My head and my chest ae meanwhile doing jumping jacks and somersaults and high school cheers complete with pom poms. "2-4-6-8!  Who do we appreciate?? XXXXXXX! XXXXXXX! he's our guy! Yaaaaay!" And no it doesn't get annoying because only I can hear it and I have a very good poker face.

I suck crap at poker but I have a very good poker face.

Speaking of card games, does anyone in this damn town play gin?  I can't find a decent gin game to save my life.  I know where I can find a spades game but that requires me to hang out with the guys from work which isn't actually a problem but I'm not the best at spades and haven't played in a few years.  I don't play poker because I played strip once and lost.  Lost badly.  I'm pretty sure that the deck was somehow rigged so that I would loose badly but still.  Being the naked one in a room full of guys.... not so awesome.  Not always.  So no, Dette will not play poker.

I have Cher Lloyd's Swagger Jagger going through my head right now.  I just took my melatonin so maybe that will put her to sleep.  I doubt it.  The migraine meds which are thankfully working, combined with the night meds will probably have her singing the ish in the University store while Jordan and I are duking it out.

I really need to get to the bottom of my issue with him.  It cannot seriously be simply because he has no idea how to order a truck and make it last for a freaking week.  It can't be.  It just can't.  There's something else there and I cannot for the life of me figure it out.

Okay, I'm kinda babbling right now.  I recognize that, so I'm going to go and let my night meds kick in.  Tomorrow I have to try and fix my garbage disposal because it's jammed on something.... again and there's a piece of rancid chicken in there somewhere.  There has to be.  There can be no other explanation for why my kitchen and subsequently most of my house smells like a five day old chicken left in the sun.  This is going to be fun... Did you see the head twist that came with that last bit of sarcasm?  No?  It was there.  Trust me.

So I'm going to go and curl up under my blankets because it's cold in my house.  like a stupo, I left the AC on and set to like 68 degrees so my house is freaking antarctica right now.  And all I want is ice cream.

Oh two things.  Tonight I went to Chick fil a for some french fries and the woman at the window had candy stuck all over her shirt and in her hair.  She looked so damn much like Vaneelope From Wreck it Ralph (I actually called her Penelope pitstop.  Totally different character)  So I asked her Why she was dressed like Penelope Pitstop (Again I got the name wrong but...)  and she got so freaking excited and told me I was getting a free chicken tender meal because she had been dressed like that all day and while customers had asked why she had candy stuck to her they had never named her character.  The Davis Lake Chick fil A was showing Wreck it Ralph tonight and she was dressed as Vanellope.  I won free food.  Yay.  I used my chicken tender in a soft taco from taco Bell.  So I had Chick fil a chicken on top of taco bell beef and all wrapped up.  Yes it was good. No, I'm not pregnant.  you have to actually have sex for that to happen.

The second thing was that I had a golden night at work tonight... you know aside from the migraine and not talking thing... Not one customer stiffed me on tips.  One even gave me an $8 tip and one wanted to round her credit card out to $30 so I got 6.30.  Yaya for awesome customers!  Worked five to eleven and made $50+ dollars.  So yeah... tonight's customers were awesome sauce!

Yawn!  Going to hit the hay.  Stay Frosty bloggers!

Oh and can someone PLEASE tell me who is +1ing my posts via Google+?  Every single freaking post is +1'ed and I have no clue who it is so I can't thank them!!  Frustrating not to be able to say thank you sometimes.

Thank you!  Whoever you are!!

Goodnight... or rather morning... since I blogged myself into Saturday morning!

Ta!

Am I really worth it?

OKay so here's the thing, I have started close to a hundred blogs where I talk about this guy at work but I never publish them because... well because.  That's it... just because.

I asked him out and he said yes.  We didn't have the most awesome fantastic date on record but for two introverted people it was pretty awesome.  I mean the kiss at the end of the night, had me floating on cloud nine for weeks.  Yes weeks.

I tend to close with him on Fridays and sometimes Saturdays. He doesn't do anything at work as far as acknowledging our status (Although one time and one time only I kissed air at him to say goodbye and he actually kissed me back right there in the store.  I was beyond floored.) but after we close and finish cleaning, it's on in the parking lot.

Kissing isn't all we do.  We do talk.  A lot of times, he talks and I listen.

But here's the thing.  He's scared of dating.  I know that now.  He's scared to death and I don't know how to pull him out of the ivory tower where he hides.  I can draw him out for sometimes a hour at most and then he retreats right back and I'm left out in the cold.

Everyone that actually knows him says that he's an old fashioned guy that likes to go slow.  That I should be honored that he wants to go slowly with me.

That raises a big question for me.  Am I really good enough for anyone to want to be old fashioned and go slow with?

Never in my life has anyone ever gone slow or wanted to go slow with me.  No one.


Continuation:

Sorry I know I didn't really end that the way I should have.  Or rather the way I normally do but I was playing a game and chatting on Facebook and I wanted to hit post before I turned chickenshit once more and deleted the whole post and you know what? I still may just delete the post because I AM a chicken shit and so totally not worth anyone's time.

There i said it.  I don't think I'm worth anyone's time.  It's one of my worst faux pas.  Year after year of numbnuts telling me that I wasn't worth anything and that no one else would ever want to spend time with me and how bad I am at sex and how abysmal I am at kissing and how fat I was took it toll.  Yes I came out of my marriage and I look like I know what I'm doing with my life but inside I'm still that scared lump that has no clue what John sees in me if he sees anything at all.  Inside, I still see myself as the fat woman that no one wants.

Before anyone says it either to themselves or out loud or in comment form, yes I know that him driving those things into my head was a form of abuse.  I've heard it all before how I was lucky to make it out of that marriage alive.  I honestly don't need to hear it again.  I also don't need to hear how I need therapy.  There's only so many time one can talk about things before even they are tired of hearing about them.  I'm so tired of explaining to people why I am the way I am.

The other night I had a conversation about his ghosts.  I can't fight them.  I'm trying but they have way better weapons than I do and I'm getting tired.  I don't know if it was one specific woman or time or a combination of the two that has him where he is today but damn if the ghosts surrounding him aren't some powerful sumbitches.

Everytime I feel like I've made it to the top of a wall with him the wall either grows by leaps and bounds or another obstacle falls in the path.  I have a feeling that should I make it completely over the wall one day, I will have to get past glass then razor laser beams and even if I survive all that, I'll have to do an Indiana Jones and the temple of doom.  Now considering I haven't even seen that movie but know that reference shows that I spend a lot of time around movie buffs.

We sat and looked up our astrological compatibility.  If I go by Virgo which technically is what I am he and I make lava.  He's fire, and I'm earth.  I kinda like the thought of making lava.  If I go by the Libra which is when I was due and the one that more often than not describes me, we make hot air.  Again, he's fire and I'd be air.

Libra describes me very well, but in this instance so does Virgo and not just because I like the lava thing.  Whichever I pick, we are good together as far as the stars are concerned.  I would just like to know where we stand in real life.

It's a small thing, but one day, I would like to be able to change my status on Facebook to 'In a Relationship' and actually say a name or even just do it and have it be real for once. It's a small thing, I know but still kinda important to me.

Sheesh!  You know what bloggers?  My head hurts, and my night meds are kicking in.  I'm going to call it a night and sleep on my mound of pillows.  Stay frosty bloggers.

Love you all!

Really??? I mean, REALLY???

Dude!  It's not even fully into summer yet and I can already see it turning into a pisstastic one.

So last night, my mom calls me back after talking on the phone with my ex husband and her opening line is "You Owe me!"

This never ever bodes well for me.  Ever.

It seems that after I had put my foot down no more than a week ago and told the ex that HE had to find someplace for the kids to go when he went back to school in July because frankly I needed a break and I was going to take one, he decided that he was going to wait until he absolutely had no choice and then just bring them back over here.  As in the night before that fucker left for Oklahoma probably.

He does this shit all the time to me.  He will pretend like he's doing what he supposed to do and then he will dump a half finished half assed project on my doorstep and say "Okay! Your turn!" and walk away.  In this case it was going to be our daughters summer vacation.  Instead of them staying at his new home and watching television all day he was going to expect them to stay at my house watching television all day.  Because his girlfriend/fiancee was going to be working all day and she didn't feel like babysitting at night.  What if she wanted to go out?

Excuse me??  What is she wanted to go out?

Excuse the expression but, nigger please.  You better check yourself before you completely wreck yourself...

What kills me is this is the man that thought it was okay to file a motion with the courts to take my children away from me.  HE thought that it was okay to restrict me to weekend visits with my kids while he ahem... reaped the benefits of being the full time parent.  He can go around dumping kid on people's doorsteps and screwing up their plans because he has plans of his own.

Nah boo boo.  It's not going to work that way this summer.

And yet it will.  It definitely will.  My mother told him flat out that he didn't want to mess with my summer.  He just didn't want to and suggested that maybe the kid got to his sister's place for five weeks.  I highly doubt that she will say no because they are family but all the same, my ex mother in law lives with her and I can just see this biting me in the ass.  She's going to work her damndest to undo years of rules and raising to implement her own tactics and then she's going to convince that asshat that I'm a piss poor parent again and file for custody again.  Yes, I know she was behind the last filing.  I'm not stupid.

Please God don't let my summer turn pisstastic on me...

Little warning this is going to be an evolving rant.  It's not going to be finished until I know for sure that the ex is going to find a way to hold up to the custody agreement.  There may be days when I go balls out on him.  I will try to warn you before hand but expect them.

*Walks away muttering random cusses...

Stay Frosty Bloggers.  Hopefully tomorrow I will be in a better mood.

Hahah!!

I'm feeling a little stupid today so here's what I'm going to do:  I'm going to blog but I'm also going to play with the dirty dice I received in the mail last week.  I'm not actually going to do what the dice say, but I'm going to write it out.

Can you tell I have no actual reason to be blogging other than I just wanna write?  Sigh...

Okay, First roll: Lick the mouth (And it starts)

I have absolutely nothing to blog about.  I cannot stress enough how BS this blog entry is going to be because I use this space to clear my head and for probably the first time in a long time, my head is so clear I can see from one side to the other.  This is an awesome feeling.  I have very few worries and even they aren't ones that are going to grow and multiply into clouds that are going to make me all turmoil-y inside anymore.  Yay

Second Roll: Touch the breasts (Just touch?)

I recently got to discover what making out was.  In all of my life, yes all 34 years of it, I have never made out.  I have kissed and been kissed briefly in my life, more and more in the past few weeks, but never ever have I made out in the traditional sense.  Until last weekend.

Third Roll: Kiss the foot  (ew)

I like it.  Don't get me wrong but riddle me this.  If you are an adult and both of you are consenting to this makeout, WHY STOP THERE?  I mean damn if i wasn't frustrated as hell when it was all over. Screw modesty, there was no solving that problem myself when I got home.  There just wasn't.  To tell you the truth there has been no solving that problem all freaking week.  I know that you as a human being know what I mean.  It's like someone was making a cake and handed me the spoon to lick but I don't get to eat the cake.  I mean seriously?!?!?

Fourth Roll: Kiss the Breasts. (yay)

I'm hoping to be able to solve this problem soon.  I'll say no more because I don't want to jinx it.  But the bottom line is I would really really like to solve this issue.  Like I said, though, I don't understand making out.  If you are right there at the top of the mountain, why not freaking plant your flag and slide down?  I guess if you don't have the right gear to be on that mountain that's a good reason, but damn...

Fifth Roll: Pinch the ear  (uhm)

So I was cleaning up my desk and I found my list of expectation, faults, and comfort zones.  I actually wrote this out months ago.  It was suggested to me that I should have a list of them so that I knew where I was as far as a relationship goes.  I was reading over them and I'm surprised I was in a place to think that clearly about who I am and what  want that many months ago.  A few months ago, I didn't think I was in any right state of mind to think that clearly.  I have to say I'm proud of myself.  I love that number 6 on the list of my expectations is "Don't lie to me.  Even if you know it's going to make me cry"   Go me.  I'm not going to write out the list here.  Don't ask.  If the guy I'm kinda sorta seeing wants to know about them he has but to ask and i will let him read the list but it's not a list for public eyes.

Sixth Roll:  Touch the bottom... touch the butt (Uhm... there's a picture of a hand so...whatever)

In other news, my kids leave for the Summer tomorrow.  I have mixed feelings about this.  I'm always happy that they're going away for a little bit because let's be honest, I need a break every now and then and if their dad is going to do the legwork in what's supposed to be a two person race, let him.  And I'm always sad after like three weeks of total silence and say I want them back but I don't.  This summer, however, things are a little different.  They will be staying with their father's girlfriend most of the summer.  He's going to Oklahoma for his last school that his job is sending him to and she will be forced to be ...er... mom for five weeks.  My reasoning for allowing this, is that she hopes one day to become the next Mrs. Henderson (Why in God's name I have no clue as the name never made any part of my life any better save having my kids) but if she hopes to be so one day, she should understand that the man that she's hoping to marry has three nearly grown kids that will occasionally be there for long period of time. She needs to learn that she will have to be a parental figure sometimes.  Problem is, my girls can't stand her.  I can't either but I spend way less time in her presence than they have so I think their opinion of her is a little more valid than mine.  They came home one weekend and said that she tried to make them grilled cheese sandwiches.  That she first toasted the bread and then put it in the pan and forgot to take the plastic wrapping off the cheese so it created a huge mess.  My response... how the hell do you not know how to make grilled cheese.  And this is the woman that I'm trusting not to kill my kids?!?!?

Seventh Roll: Play with the Breasts (Let's get it started)

I'm not a fool, my kids will be okay.  I'm also not stupid, my aunt and my mom will be over to get them more than they want to let on this summer.  I have a feeling that my kids will spend more time between then than they will with my ex in laws but I'm not supposed to know or suspect that because I have put my foot down and told them that they are not to go and get them more than once a week and there are to be no more than two overnights this summer.  My foot is only good for one thing... to be run over.  They think that they are going to be secretive this Summer.  I know what they're going to do and you know what?  I don't care.  The kids will tell me, or they won't.  But when they come back in the end of August, we will all have had our break and be ready for another year of grades, papers, tests, and tears.

Eighth roll:  Tickle the neck (I dare you to try)

I should get ready for work.  My mom picked the girls up for hair this morning at ten am and then is taking them to her house before VBS tonight.  Translations.  She's getting their hair done, then she's going to take them to eat, and then let them play on her computer and watch the stuff I have blocked at my house for hours until it's time to go to VBS then come home.  See?  I told you, I'm not stupid.  I just play it very well.... :)

Ninth Roll: Kiss the bottom (No.  Just no.)

I have a lot to do in the next few hours.  I don't really want to go to work but I'm going to.  And I'm going to be happy about it.  I just wanna curl up in bed and stay there and chill.  NOt a depression thing, just a want to chill. For all that I love working, I miss the days when I sat here with not a damn thing to do.  They were nice days and I miss them.

Okay.  one last roll before I get ready for work.

Tenth Roll (Come on mama needs a new pair of... wait... wrong dice...): Lick the ear... (mama likey)

Stay Frosty Bloggers!!  Go get you a pair of dirty dice and have some fun!!

So sick

I am so sick of people telling me that thunder is JUST a sound and that no one ever died of thunder.  Thunder cannot hurt me and it's an irrational fear that I need to get over.  By twelve o'clock today three people told me that it was basically a bullshit fear and I needed to get over it.  By ten tonight one more person said it.

The first person that said it said it via text so he didn't really see my reaction.  The next two people that said it to me, I kinda laughed along with them when they began to poke fun at the fear and the fourth person I really wanted to hit because he knows better.

I have been afraid of anything that represented itself with a loud boom since I was a little girl.  I refused to go to the fourth of July festivities because fireworks are basically a loud boom.  Thunderstorms.  Thunder is a loud boom.  I don't like balloons because when they pop, it's a loud boom.

So you say it's an irrational fear and I need to get over it.  I'm glad that you have that attitude.  Never ever show me any kind of fear you have because my advice to you is that you need to get over it.

I don't know how to make people understand that booms of any volume trigger something inside of me that makes me want to crawl in a corner and hold my arms around my knees until it stops.  I have been this way since I was a child.  For a long time I wouldn't even go to the bowling alley because of the crashing of the pins and the rumbling.  I managed to get over that at least.

It's not like it's my old fear.  I freak out in elevators with more than three people in them.  If I'm on an elevator and an overweight person gets on, I will get off.  It has nothing to do with their weight, I simply feel like I'm trapped and need to escape asap.

I just wish people would stop trying to tell me their views of my fears.  Maybe one day I'll conquer then and maybe I never will, but the least you could do is not make fun of me...

So.... oops....

So this afternoon my boss was a little upset and threw a pizza pan at the wall.

You have no idea how badly I wish I could have done that and gotten away with it.  I was so freaking jealous.  All I could do today was cry.

The hooptie tried really REALLY hard not to make it out of the month of May alive but I pulled her into June and refused to let her die.  Down to putting a foil pan under her at night to catch the oil that dripped out and putting it back in.  Even down to carrying TWO of the $17 jugs of oil in my car so that I could give her a drink on the fly if she happened to yell at me.

Little bitch got thirsty TWICE in the space of about thirty minutes.  Had to stop on the way to one delivery and put oil in and then had to stop on the way back from another delivery.

So I called my mom and asked her to find that Triple G Mechanic on Freedom that has a sign right outside of Pinky's because they say they specialize in Volkswagens.  Yeah... They don't exist anymore and if they do they are playing one hell of a game of Hiding go Neverfind!  So then I decided to called EuroWise, the place that I took it when it had the smoking problem before.  The place that cost my mother and my ex husband a total of a grand to fix her before.

For a cracked oil pan on a 2001 Volkswagen Passat Wagon, they wanted $486 dollars to fix it.  Four hundred dollars?!?!?  I mean really????  And is the part that I'm going to get made of solid gold and will it help my car to fart rainbows and glitter at the cars behind it??  Cause that would, admittedly, be cool.  I mean think of it, everytime I hit the gas, Glitter flew out at the person behind me.... I'd so go to jail... Whatever, that's besides the point.  Four hundred dollars to change and oil pan.  Nope, sorry.  My mom found a place that she used to go a while back.  He's closed and grand opened a few times but the man is a mason and she's an Eastern Star and in the grand order of Black Fraternal Orders that makes them sister and brother and they watch each other's back and yada yada blah blah yay!  He recommended that I have it towed to him but the cheapest tow we could find was $76 and I don't have that in my wallet. Or the bank.  Cause you know Hooptie just couldn't wait until Payday... in two effing days.

And that was a topper on my shitcake day actually.  I was woken up this morning by my mom who was woken up by my aunt to be told that Auntie was lost on the highway up near my job when she should have been down by where I live.  Mom told her to go to Remount Rd and work her way to South Blvd because they were both familiar with that road.  Here's problem number one with that.  She bypassed home TWICE to get to where Remount Rd was.  The Second problem with that is that there is no exit for Remount Rd. on 77 southbound, so Auntie found herself almost in South Carolina before she turned around.  Had my brain been awake at seven am I would have said the later.  But my brain was tap dancing to a routine of "Why the hell am I awake and walking around and talking on the phone?"  So when Mommy called back at 8 to tell me Auntie had gotten caught up in morning traffic and noticed Tyvola Road and had gotten off there to find South Blvd my mind was actually awake to ask Why considering that BOTH Tyvola and South would have been jammed packed at 8 am as they are major roadways.  but Mom said that's what Auntie said she was doing because she recognized Tyvola having passed it on South the day before... And the day before.  I told her that Auntie should have taken John Belk Freeway.  To which my mom replies "I don't know what that is,so I'm not going to tell her to take a road that I've never taken."

My sarcasm switch doesn't have a playground monitor at eight AM so my response was "Mom, John Belk Freeway is 277.  You travel it almost every day..."  In a deadpan.

So that dealt with, I got off the phone and had to call the Ex because the child support is going to be late...again. which is going to make my rent late... again.  Seriously I just go ahead and pay the late fee as apart of my rent every month now anyway.  Why bother trying to be ontime?  It's like trying to staple jelly to the wall.  Admittedly, the voicemail message I left him was not very nice but I wasn't feeling nice.  It's not like I call him to shoot the shit and ask about his day.  I couldn't care less if he had the day from hell and back again, He's not my husband, so I don't give a fuck I really don't.  He has an overgrown child he calls a girlfriend to listen to his BS.

He called me back at work.  While I was having a shitty day.  The conversation went something like this:

R: "I called you the other day.  I called you on the house phone; the kids phone.  You didn't answer."
C: "And then God looked down and said, let there be cell phones, nimrod!"
R: "Oh well, you know I was in class. I can't call you back or answer in class."
C: "On Sunday.  You were in class on Sunday."
R: "Yeah."
C "All day, because I'm pretty sure that it's illegal to have class for a solid 24 hours."
R."What are you talking about?"
C: "You could have called at any time of the day."
R: "Oh. Well I got busy and then I forgot."
C : "Translation, my whiney ass girlfriend noticed that it was you calling and pitched a fit and took my attention every time I got the chance to call you and when she finally let up, I forgot to call."
R : "You're not having a good day, are you?"
C: "YOU THINK?!?!?" (Yes I screamed that.) "Look I don't call you to shoot the shit.  And your bitch ass GF better understand that if I say I need for you to call me back and I tell you WHY I need you to call me back then she needs to let you call me back or you need to grow a pair and tell her to shut the fuck up.  Or you can shoot me a text to answer my question AS LONG AS YOU ANSWER THE QUESTION THAT I HAVE ASKED YOU TWO FUCKING DAYS IN A ROW."
R: "Uhm... okay. Well, It should be there by Tomorrow or Friday.  If it isn't there by Friday let me know."
C: And you had better answer or text me back because if the lights get cut off because of you I will run up and down you with a lawnmower."
R:" Damn, what is wrong with you?"
C: "Do you mean the part where I got woken up this morning, the part where my car is dying again, or a couple days ago when I was told by your mom that she is moving right up the street from my job and that she hinted in less words that anything that she was looking forward to ME bringing her pizza from my job which meant she wants to abuse the fuck out of my discount."
R: "*Laughs* You work way up there?  I feel sorry for you!"

At this point I actually started growling.  Like big black bear growling.  He decided to take his remaining skin and get off the phone.  I never said I married the smartest tool in the shed.

It was around EuroWise telling me that they wanted 486 dollars to fix my car that I lost it all and started crying.

John even was concerned but I walked outside and prayed to every God I knew that he wouldn't be the one to see me cry.  It was bad enough that he had to see me cry when I was in pain and he drove me to the hospital.  I Do not like to have people see me when I can't control my world.  Being in Mind numbing pain and having no control of the moisture leaking from my eyes or the moans coming from my mouth was NOT how I wanted him to ever see me.  EVER.  Seeing me lose it over my car, my ex husband, and loss of sleep was even worse because to me, losing it and crying over that was a bitch move on my part and I have no one to blame but hormones.  It's coming up on Chocolate munching time so my hormones are all over the place and even standing in front of a fan on high speed, I was boiling up today.

Why can't I be a man?  Seriously.  A few Yanks on their cock and everything is peachy fucking keen in their world.  Women have to deal with hormones and hot flashes and shit that makes us cry uncontrollably for no freaking reason!!!

Damn you Eve!!!

You have NO IDEA how much I wish I could have thrown that pizza pan across the room today and gotten away with it.  None whatsoever.  None at all.  If I had done it, I'd probably be fired.

Sigh... Kids are in bed, I'm going to crawl in and maybe read The Mortal instruments.  It's been a few days since I did that.

Stay frosty, kiddos.  Lova ya!

I honestly should be getting ready for bed instead of blogging...

But I'm not sure I want this on my mind as I sleep...

I had another night of my mom pushing my buttons again.  Well, not a night.  A couple of days actually but it almost came to a boil tonight.

On Thursday or maybe Friday, I'm losing days, my boss said to me that he might need me to stay late today which is totally fine.  I had planned to take Jojo to the mall but quite honestly, given that even if I had gotten out on time, by the time I made it to him it would only give us two hours of mall time tops, I figured that I would take him next week after they got out of school and maybe I could take him to lunch and really hang out with my son which is something that I haven't gotten a chance to do in a long time.  But OMG I mention to my mom that I might need to work late and before I can get to anything else her first question is, "Don't they have anyone else they can call?  You are always there."  Yes mom, they do have others that they can call.  But Sometimes they need someone quickly and if needed I can get there in fifteen minutes.  And Yes, mom they do have other people they can call but nine times out of ten I'm not doing anything that can't be rescheduled so I'm a good candidate for call in.  I kindly kinda didn't say any of that although I should have.  I didn't really get the chance because on the heels of that she launched into "And you don't need to just brush Jojo off like that.  You never make time for any of your kids anymore.  You always prefer work.  I've been more of a mom to your kids than you have in the past two months."

That was over the phone last night. (Or thursday) she has no idea of the hand gestures I made or the faces or the words I mouthed.

Why does she always go straight for the jugular when she isn't getting her way?  Why?  Even my ex only used that one a few times before he learned how dangerous that was.

On top of matters that probably could have been better in some alternate universe Hooptie's oil leak is now and oil flow.  I put it in and she dribbles it out like a two year old.  I buy more and put it in... She dribbles it out.  Decided not to drive her home tonight because honestly I wasn't sure she'd get there.  Had to call mom to come get me.  I was still sticking to my plan of calling Jojo and offering to take him out the following week so that we could spend more time together but she decided no, lets all go get Jojo and take him to the mall.

I hate malls.  I hate shopping.  I hate shopping with my mom.  I tolerate shopping with my kids. Going to the mall with my mom and kids... groan.

Keep in mind that it has now been 24 hours since I've eaten anything besides a Starbucks Frappuccino which has long since worn off.  A fact that I mentioned to my mom who simply passed it off as "You always do that to yourself.  You have no one to blame but you don't ignore your kids because you did something stupid."

That damn jugular again.

My mother has only been in HH once and that's for very good reason.  I don't want her in my refuge.  However, because of this, she doesn't get to see that some days, there are so many deliveries that if you don't learn to eat on the fly, you don't effing eat. Today was one of those days.  I could have stopped at McDonalds to get something I know that, but I wasn't actually hungry and I figured I would grab something for the girls and I to have for dinner after I got off since my mom said she'd take them home around five. That was before discovering the car was now non functional which doesn't really matter because six pm rolled around and she still had them at her house and had fed them.  I am not mad that she fed them mind you but...

So I spent the hour at the mall with my son.  I had fun.  He's a fun guy to hang out with.  He's taller than me, stronger than me (So when I say he pulled me around the mall, I mean he pulled me around the mall) and has this Barry White esque voice that people hear and can't believe he's only fifteen.  I sorely regretted that we only had an hour but mother must have her way.

When we took him home I mentioned that I should be nice and go in to see my ex mother in law even though I really didn't want to but thought I should be nice.  Mom's response. "Just remember that I've had a long day and I'm tired."

I'm sorry, YOU'VE HAD A LONG DAY?!?!?!?  I went to be at 2 am, was up at 8 to be at work by 930.  I drove pretty much ALL DAY long until about a quarter to six and then had to wait for her to insist that I go to the mall because I was quote "ignoring my children"  On the way to the mall I had to listen to her bellyache about my aunt who's moving down here.  Because you know, Claudette doesn't have enough issues in her life right now and could always use more to pile onto her empathetic ass.

If you know me you know that I have a hell of a poker face and that face means something is very wrong.  Also, if I start to speak in monotone, you should try to move away from me fast.  Preferably in a zigzag pattern.  Or if you are very brave and can stand the inevitable flow of tears, grab me and hug me tightly until I break.

After 34 year on the planet with me and giving birth to me and raising me, my mother still hasn't figured out how to tell if I'm pissed off.  Or, if she has, she totally ignores it.

She also side seat drove.  If I was going down a hil and the car sped up, you know like cars tend to do downhill, I got blamed for speeding.  If the jerk in front of me slammed on his breaks causing me to do the same to avoid rear ending him, I should have anticipated that he was going to need to stop and not been following so close/stopped way back there/been slowing down so that a abrupt stop wasn't necessary.  At one point I was next to someone who guided to the center line so their car was sorta close to me.  I moved slightly over so that I was a good safe distance from the person.  But I was too close to the edge of the road so just to make me turn my head and take my eyes off a very curvy and heavily trafficked road my mother suddenly grabs the dashboard and braces herself like we're going to crash. Because I was too close to the edge of the road.

I love my mother.  I love my kids.  But life is getting harder. to deal with now that I'm finally doing something for myself and working.

Let's not go into the fact that I'm sorta dipping my feet into the dating pool.  Ssshhh... That's another jugular shot that has been hinted at but not used outright yet.  I'm waiting for her to tell me that I'm putting a man ahead of my kids.  Please god let her say it in front of someone that can either intervene on my behalf or strong enough to hold me back.  Please God.  The response she gets might just give her a coronary.

On another note, my ex sister law is moving and one of the places she looked at turns out to be a road less than three miles from my house.  Pretty sure that if she's looking to rent a house, she's moving her mother, my xmil in with her.  Three Miles from my house.  THREE MILES.  THREE GODDAM MILES!!!

You know what?  right now, I don't know whether to bang my head against a wall until the bad thoughts stop or go down my melatonin and trazodone/ tramadol cocktail with an actual cocktail.

I have to be up for church tomorrow morning. I also need to find a ride to go get my car.  My mother waited until I left my car at work to tell me that she won't be able to take me to get my car because she has a meeting directly after church.

So... I'm supposed to take her car home and come back to get her when she's all done at church.  At four.  When I have plans as early as five that I'm still getting ready for.  Yeah no.  Just let me strap on my Wonder Woman cape.  I got this.  I totally got this.

I spent time in an actual padded room when my kids were babies because I couldn't cope with my life and had a minor mental slip up.  Regardless of what the memes say, the padded room IS NOT fun.  The straightjacket IS NOT fun.  Especially if you are a claustrophobic and being unable to move your arms drives you more insane than the thing that landed you in the looney room did.  Do you know what they do to people who can't control their mental breakdowns and flip the fuck out?  The drug them.  And not the daily  deal with humans drugs, oh no.  They shoot you in the arm, it burns for a second and then you are knocked the fuck out dreaming of unicorns farting rainbows and potpourri clouds that rain skittles.  And when you wake up, you have about five seconds of clarity to realize that if you don't want to be knocked the fuck out again you need to control yourself..  And then reality sets in and you try to move your arms and you can't and the whole vicious cycle starts all over again.  I spent three days trapped in that cycle before some kind person thought to remove the straightjacket before I woke up so that when I woke up I was able to move and think and appear like I had my head screwed back in the right place.

Sigh.  It's still not off my mind but I'm tired.  I have eaten for those that were concerned.  I braved the 11pm line at McDonalds and got food.  I hugged my daughters goodnight.  I kissed their foreheads.  I told them sweet dreams and they told me that they loved me and called me Mommy.  They are above my head, snug in their beds asleep and I am listening to them turn over on their mattresses that squeak slightly when they do.

NO matter how many times my mom goes for the jugular shot about me being a bad mom, I hold onto images like this.  I take myself to the late nights when I can go upstairs and tuck them in and kiss their foreheads and whisper that I love them.  I remember that every morning they burst into my bedroom and wake me up with hugs and kisses and say "Good morning Mommy!"  I hold onto days like Mother's Day when they make me chocolate pop tarts and pour me Mountain dew for breakfast and give me huge gaudy cards that leave glitter everywhere that tell me I'm the BEST mom.

My kids love me.  I love my kids.

I am NOT a bad mom.

I might fall down and screw up, but that's what mothers do and better the mom fall down than her child.

I am NOT a bad mom.

I am NOT a bad mom.

Why don't I believe that right now?

Sigh... Stay frosty, Peeps.  Tomorrow is June.  A whole new month.  A whole new beginning.

Three months and sixteen days until my birthday.  I might actually be looking forward to turning and admitting I'm 35...

G'night!

Sleeping Angry

So last night I didn't sleep well at all.  I didn't go to bed angry but something on my mind manifested itself in my dreams all freaking night long and would not go away until about five this morning when my subconscious tired of the repetition and inserted my standard wake up device.

There is this girl at work and when I came in I honestly tried to be nice to her but one of the first things I noticed was that her elevator didn't quite reach the top floor.  This actually made me want to be a little nicer to her... at first.

But slowly, she shattered all of the walls I put up to protect myself from people like her.

First I have a pet peeve with people being in conversations that don't involve them.  I have three kids and one of the first things I tried to instill in them is if someone around them is talking to someone else DO NOT put yourself into the conversation.  You really never know how it's going to be perceived.  You could be welcomed into the conversation or you could be viewed as a busybody who gets on peoples nerves.  This particular person does this  all the time.  You could be telling someone about something that happened to you ten years ago and she will come into the middle of your conversation with "I know! I..."  And all I wanna scream is "Friggen stop that!  How the hell do you have any place in this conversation knowing that ten years ago you were climbing on the short bus wearing a sturdy plastic helmet to keep you safe?!?"  But of course that is not a nice thing to say and believe it not, I am actually a nice person... sometimes.  Saying something like that is neither appropriate for the workplace nor something that is tolerable in the workplace.  It is however, something that is liable to come flowing out of my mouth when the censor guard is away...

Second I have a thing with people being unnecessarily loud.  If people wince when you start talking or if people can hear you from the back of a place that has a roaring over, a blaring stereo, and a loud sheeting device going at full speed, you are too loud.  Not a clue if you've ever been in the back of a pizza place but a good bit of the time we have all three of these.  Maybe not a blaring stereo but a semi loud one and if she says something in the front, most of the time I can hear her in the back.  Other people could fairly shout and I might catch every other word but with her, I can hear her clearly.

Third, I'm sarcastic but with me, ninety percent of the time it fits the situation.  There is that odd ten percent of the time when it's totally uncalled for and I understand that and I usually apologize because I realize it was inappropriate. I never try to go out of my way to hurt people with my words unless they have pushed me off the high dive and insisted I swim in the cesspool of   words that can come flowing out of my mouth.  If you have known me more than ten minutes that you already know that I'm a writer and the daughter of an English teacher.  I can phrase things in a way that can will actually leave you feeling like I've become the hideous old hag in town that cut everyone down with her sharp tongue and kept walking.  Mostly I prefer to create you as a character in my stories and verbally (maybe physically) hurt you there but every now and then, it happens in real life.  With her, every other word that flows from her mouth is sarcastic.

Yes, I make fun of her behind her back and have for a few weeks now but trust me making fun of her to her face is not my style and would get out of control very quickly.  BUT I'm not the one that started that.  That situation was going way before I got there.  If she only knew what people say about her behind her back...

And for awhile I even defended her dumbass.  The poking fun would start and I would turn away or actually say, "Her elevator doesn't go to the top floor, it's not fair to say that."  I was sorta kinda on her side, or at least straddling the line between throwing rocks at her and taking up her cause.  But it's ME that's she's decided to make a point of annoying now.

For the last six or so shifts, she has made it a point not to say a word to me.  At first it wasn't an outright snub that I could see.  But in the last couple shifts I've noticed that she will make a point to speak to everyone in the room BUT me.  People who have actually told her to her face to leave them the hell alone she will speak to but me who has never actually cussed her out gets snubbed. Okay.  People who have made it clear that they would prefer her not to interact with them, she will sit and talk to but me, she snubs.

Last night she actually said something to me but she chose to snap at me in front of customers and coworkers.  The worst I did was slam the hotbox door.

So last night my dreams were pretty graphic.  Most of the times my brain went over the fictitious situation I simply used my words to cut her down.  Then somewhere near the end of my minds tether, she actually slapped me first.  In a couple of the scenarios I didn't react.  In a couple I beat the ish out of her right there in the store, one I hit her with a pizza pan, and the one that scared me the most because it actually seems like something I would lose control and do making it the closest to home my subconscious got to pegging me last night was she slapped me after I verbally cut her down and I went, clocked out, drug her butt to the parking lot off store grounds and beat the snot out of her.

I'm going to be honest.  That last one was so close to being something I would actually do that it was frightening.  It was just after that one that my mind put a full moon in the sky at daytime to make me realize I was dreaming and enabled me to wake up.  That is my device.  If i see a full moon in the daytime or the sun at night, I know I'm dreaming and can actually force myself to wake up.  I lost control like that once before and afterwards it took way too many people way too long to calm me down.  I didn't like me, I know others didn't like that side of me and it was one of the few times that landed me on behavioral meds that I didn't argue.  Because I'm totally silent.  Something snaps in my brain and the me that everyone else sees, just goes to hide.  The one time I snapped like that, I didn't realize I'd done it until I came back to myself and was told what I had done.  One of the main things they kept telling me was that I didn't say a word, just commenced to bashing the girl silently.

My hope is now that I've dreamt about it and blogged about it, I have gone a fair way to blow my steam out.  I have put a little more time on the egg timer and given myself sometime to reassess.

I'm not going to say a word, I'm going to be okay with her not saying a word to me.  I'm not going to speak about her, and I'm not going to make fun of her.  I am not going to go out of my way to be nice to her either.  She doesn't deserve that from me.  I am not going to defend her when others talk about her.  I'm not going to do anything but my job.  And that's where it will end hopefully.

I love my job and don't want to do anything to jeopardize it.

Fuck it, I'm going to bake.  Today is cookie/brownie day.  I promise I would bring some in for them and I aim to keep that promise today...

Stay frosty peeps!